A man phones a mental hospital and asks the receptionist if there is anybody in room 27. She goes and checks, and comes back to the phone, telling him No, the room is empty. "Good," says the man. "That means I must have really escaped."
John and David were both patients in a Mental hospital. One day, John suddenly dived into the deep end of the swimming pool. David jumped in and saved him, and the medical director came to know of his heroic act.
He immediately order David to be discharged from the mental hospital as he is OK.
- Doctor: We have good news and bad news for you, David. The good news is that we are going to discharge you because you have regained your senses, since you are able to jump in and save another patient you are now a normal person. The bad news is that, the patient Mr. John, whom you have saved, hung himself in the toilet, and died.
- David: Doctor, he didn't hang himself. I hung him there to dry
The doctor looked at the woman who had come to him for an examination. "Mrs. Brown, I have some good news for you." The woman said, "I'm glad to hear that doctor, but I'm Miss Brown, not Mrs." "Oh. Well, in that case Miss Brown," said the doctor without changing expression, "I have some bad news for you."
A dentist is talking to his patient about the sanitary problems some of his fellow dentists were facing. He said that one of his friends was touring a latex glove factory in Mexico, and saw how they make the gloves. One person would stick his hand in the melted latex, walk over to a vat of cooling water, then dip his hand in it to solidify the latex. The glove was then thrown in a finished products box. The dentist's patient was disgusted by the lack of care taken in making the gloves sanitary. Wanting to keep all the patients he could, the dentist didn't mention how they made condoms.
A woman goes to a psychiatrist and says:
- Doctor, you've got to do something about my husband -- he thinks he's a refrigerator!
- I wouldn't worry too much about it - the doctor replies. Lots of people have harmless delusions. It will pass.
- But you don't understand - the woman insists.
- He sleeps with his mouth open, and the little light keeps me awake.
What's the definition of bravery?
→ A man with diarrhea chancing a fart!
A man is in a hospital bed completly wrapped up in a body cast.
One of the nurses gave him a rectal thermometer and said:
- Don't move -- I'll be right back.
When she returned the thermometer was in his mouth. She asked in amazement:
- How did you get that in your mouth, you can't even move?
- I hiccupped.
How do dentists become brain surgeons?
→ When their drills slip.
The patient came into the doctor's office, suffering from amnesia.
The doctor asked:
- Have you ever had it before?
A man went to see his doctor because he was suffering from a miserable cold. His doctor prescribed some pills, but they didn't help.
On his next visit the doctor gave him a shot, but that didn't do any good.
On his third visit the doctor told the man to go home and take a hot bath. As soon as he was finished bathing he was to throw open all the windows and stand in the draft.
- But doc - protested the patient.
- if I do that, I'll get pneumonia.
- I know - said his physician.
- I can cure pneumonia.
A well respected surgeon was relaxing on his sofa one evening just after arriving home from work. As he was tuning into the evening news, the phone rang. The doctor calmly answered it and heard the familiar voice of a colleague on the other end of the line.
- We need a fourth for poker - said the friend.
- I'll be right over - whispered the doctor.
As he was putting on his coat, his wife asked:
- Is it serious?
- Oh yes, quite serious - said the doctor gravely.
- In fact, three doctors are there already!
Does pregnancy cause hemorrhoids?
→ Pregnancy causes anything you want to blame it for.
- Doctor: We operated on your eyes and we've managed to save one of them.
- Patient: Oh, thank you very much.
- Doctor: Yes, we'll give it to you on your way out.
A psychiatrist met a friend and exclaimed:
- I heard you died.
- But you see I'm alive - smiled the friend.
- Impossible - said the psychiatrist.
- The man who told me is much more reliable than you.
An attractive young girl, chaperoned by an ugly old lady, entered the doctor's office.
- We have come for an examination - said the young girl.
- Alright - said the doctor.
- Go behind that curtain and take your clothes off.
- No, not me - said the girl.
- it's my old aunt here.
- Very well - said the doctor.
- Madam, stick out your tongue.
The doctor took Bill into the room and said, "Bill, I have some good news and some bad news." Bill said, "Give me the good news." "They're going to name a disease after you."
- Dentist: Would you help me out? I'd like you to give a few of your loudest screams.
- Patient: Why, Doc? It isn't all that bad this time.
- Dentist: Well, there are about 20 people in the waiting room right now, and I don't want to miss the five o'clock Braves game on Channel 4.
A profoundly ugly girl went to the psychiatrist.
- My life is a mess, doctor - she began.
- I am so fucking hideous that no one will associate with me, touch me, or even talk to me. Can you help?
- Why, certainly! Helping people feel much better about themselves is my area of expertise. I can start making you feel more confident about your appearance right here and now.
- Oh, I am so grateful! What should I do first? - she asked.
- First things first. Just walk over to the other side of the room and lie face down on my couch.
- I'm in love with my horse - the nervous man told his psychiatrist.
- Nothing to worry about - the psychiatrist consoled.
- Many people are fond of animals. As a matter of fact, my wife and I have a dog that we are very attached to.
- But, doctor - continued the troubled patient.
- I feel, ummm... physically attracted to my horse.
- Hmmm - the doctor asked.
- Is it male or female?
- Female, of course! - the man replied.
- What do you think I am...
GAY???
After years of psychotherapy, John no longer believes he is a grain of wheat. However, one day he and a friend came across a chicken, and John was terrified.
- Why are you so afraid, you're not a grain of wheat after all - his friend asked.
John replied:
- You know it and I know it, but the chicken doesn't know it.
Most dentists chairs go up and down, don't they?
The one I was in went back and forwards.
I thought:
- This is unusual.
The dentist said to me:
- Mr. Owens, get out of the filing cabinet.
Don't you just hate it when you go to the doctor, and you're sitting on the examination table telling him about your symptoms, and with each new one you describe, he backs a little further away?
A man went to the doctor for a check up. "How do you feel?" asked the doctor. "Fine." he replied. After a few more general health questions the doctor asked, "How many times do you have sex per month?" "About two or three." the man replied. "You should be doing better than that." the doctor offered. "Take these pills and come back in a month." The man did and a month later he was again asked by the doctor, "How many times did you have sex last month?" "About two or three times." the man answered again. "I can't understand it," the doctor continued, "you should be doing much better than that." "I don't know," replied the man, "that's not bad for having no car and a small parish."
A woman had some problems, so she went to her doctor of twenty years.
They had the following conversation:
- Dr.: Take the red pill after breakfast with one glass of water.
- Woman: Ok.
- Dr.: Take the blue pill after lunch with two glasses of water.
- Woman: Ok.
- Dr.: Take the yellow pill after dinner with three glasses of water.
After giving these instructions to the woman, she asks, "Can you tell me what's wrong with me Dr.?"
- Dr.: Yeah. You do not drink enough water.
Why is psychoanalysis quicker for men than for women?
→ When it's time to go back to childhood, he's already there.
