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AGE DRINK

- 17 beer

- 25 beer

- 35 vodka

- 48 double vodka

- 66 Maalox

When I was in jr. high, all I wanted was a girl with big breasts...

In high school, I dated a girl with big breasts, but there was no passion.. So I decided I needed a passionate girl.. In college, I dated a passionate girl, but she was too emotional.. Everything was an emergency, she cried all the time. So I decided I needed a girl with some stability.. I found a very stable girl, but she was boring. She never got excited about anything. So I decided I needed a girl with some excitement.. I found an exciting girl, but I couldn't keep up with her. She rushed from one thing to another, never settling on anything. She was directionless. So I decided to find a girl with some ambition.. After…

In a Texas bar, The bartender Fred was fed up with penis boasting from the regulars.

So to put an end to all the boasting Fred says to them:

- whip 'em out.

Fred pulls a yard stick from under the bar, at the same time a gay guy walks into the bar.

Fred ask the man if there is something that he can get for him.

The gay guy replies:

- i was going to get a beer, but i'll check your buffett first

A MAN'S SCHEDULE

1. Get up.
2. Pass gas.
3. Drink cup of black coffee.
4. Pass gas.
5. Dress, skipping shower because "alarm didn't work".
6. Pass gas.
7. Log on to computer to check porn site before leaving for work. Pass gas while "enjoying" favorite site.
8. Drive to work. Pass gas at stop light. Open window to air out car.
9. Get to work at MacDonalds. Pass gas in bathroom (for all patrons to enjoy). Forget to wash hands.

A new two year degree is being offered at LIFE UNIVERSITY that many of you should be interested in: BECOMING A REAL MAN. That's right, in just six quarters you, too, can be a real man, as well as earn an AA degree (AA Real Men). Please take a moment to look over the program outline.

FIRST YEAR:

Autumn Schedule

- MEN 101 Combating Stupidity

- MEN 102 You Too Can Do Housework

- MEN 103 PMS - Learn When To Keep Your Mouth Shut

- MEN 104 We Do Not Want Sleazy Underthings For Christmas

Winter Schedule

- MEN 110 Wonderful Laundry Techniques

- MEN 111 Understanding The Female Response to Getting In At 4 a.m.

The first engineer calls out to the other:

- Hey--Nice bike! Where did you get it?

- Well - replies the other.

- I was walking to class the other day when this pretty, young coed rides up on this bike. She jumps off, takes off all of her clothes, and says 'you can have ANYTHING you want!'

- Good choice - says the first guy.

- her clothes wouldn't have fit you anyway.

What's so great about being a dick?

1. You've got a head with no brains.
2. Two nuts follow you around all day.
3. Your neighbor is an asshole.
4. Your best friend is a cunt!

What makes a man think he's so great?

1. He has a belly button that won't work.
2. He has tits that won't give milk.
3. He has a cock that won't crow.
4. He has balls that won't roll.
5. He has an ass that won't carry a thing.

Department of the Treasury
Internal Revenue Service
Washington, D.C.

To: All Male Taxpayers
RE: Notice of increase of tax payment
Form 1040 - P

The only thing that the IRS has not taxed yet is your penis. This is due to the fact that 40% of the time it is hanging around unemployed, 30% of the time it is pissed off, 20% of the time it is hard up, and 10% of the time it is in the hole. On top of this, it has two dependents and both are nuts.

Accordingly, as of April 1, 1998, your penis will be taxed according to size. To determine your category, please consult the chart below and confirm this informatin on page 2, section 7, line 3, on the Standard Form 1040.

- 10-16 inches Luxury Tax $50.00

Are YOU A HARD MAN?

1. When reaching your sexual climax do you?
   a) Make low moaning sounds in her ear.
   b) Suck on her neck to produce a love bite.
   c) Shove your thumb up her arse so she screams her tits off.
2. You're in bed one night and she whispers "I love you". Do you?
   a) Whisper back "I love you too".
   b) Put your arse on her leg and fart.
   c) Say "Go to sleep dog breath".
3. After you have made love to your wife do you?

How many men does it take to open a beer?
→ None. It should be opened by the time she brings it.

Seminars for Men

- COURSE 001 Combating Stupidity

- COURSE 002 You Too Can Do Housework

- COURSE 003 PMS - Learn When To Keep Your Mouth Shut

- COURSE 004 How To Fill An Ice Tray

- COURSE 005 We Do Not Want Sleazy Underthings For Christmas

- COURSE 006 Wonderful Laundry Techniques (Formerly - Don't Wash My Silks)

- COURSE 007 Understanding The Female Response To Your Coming Home At 4 AM

- COURSE 008 Parenting: It Doesn't End With Conception

- COURSE 009 Get A Life: Learn To Cook

Some people are sitting in a bar when one guy says:

- My name is Larry, and I am a SNAG.

Another guy says:

- What's that?

The first guy says:

- That means I am a Single, New Age Guy.

Another one says:

- My name is Gary, and I am a DINK.

A girl asks:

- What's that?

Guyness Quiz
Take This Scientific Quiz to Determine Your Guyness Quotient

1. Alien beings from a highly advanced society visit the Earth, and you are the first human they encounter. As a token of intergalactic friendship, they present you with a small but incredibly sophisticated device that is capable of curing all disease, providing an infinite supply of clean energy, wiping out hunger and poverty, and permanently eliminating oppression and violence all over the entire Earth. You decide to:
   a. Present it to the president of the United States.
   b. Present it to the secretary general of the United Nations.
   c. Take it apart.
2. As you grow older, what lost quality of your youthful life do you miss…

Two guys of limited intelligence were on a ship that sank in the middle of the ocean. They managed to inflate a rubber life raft and grab a box of provisions before their ship slipped below the surface. After floating under blazing heat for 6 days they ran out of food and water. On the 10th day, bleary eyed and half dead from heat, thirst and starvation, they spotted a small object floating toward them in the water. As it drew near, they were ecstatic to find that it was an oil lamp (the kind the genies come in).

They grabbed the lamp and rubbed it. "POOF" out popped a tired old genie who said:

- ok.. so you freed me from this stupid lamp, yadda, yadda, yadda. But hey, I've been doing this 3…

Chase is very pleased to announce that we are installing new Drive-thru ATMs where customers will be able withdraw cash without leaving their vehicle. (Other accounts can also utilise this facility) Male and Female procedures have been tailored to best reflect the behaviors of those particular groupings.

PROCEDURE FOR MALE CUSTOMERS:

1. Drive up to the ATM
2. Open the car window
3. Insert card into machine and enter PIN
4. Enter amount of cash required and press "enter"
5. Retrieve card, cash and receipt
6. Close window
7. Drive away

PROCEDURE FOR FEMALE CUSTOMERS:

What's the one thing worse than a male chauvinist pig?
→ A woman who won't do what she's told.

There's a Space Shuttle mission to the moon with 2 monkeys and a woman on board.

The headquarters in the US calls:

- Monkey #1, Monkey #1 report to coms for instructions.

He sits down and he is told to release the pressure in compartment 1, increase the temperature in engine 4 and to release oxygen to the reactors. So the monkey does the pressure, temperature, and releases the oxygen.

A few moments later headquarters calls again:

- Monkey #2, Monkey #2 report to coms for instructions.

He sits down and he is told to add Carbon Dioxide to room 4, to stop the fuel injection to engine 3, to add nitrogen to the fuel compartment and to analyse the solar radiation. So the monkey does the carbon dioxide…

A young woman on a rough Atlantic crossing was in her cabin undressing then suddenly she was overcome by sea sickness. In a panic she rushed into the corridor and headed for the bathroom. It was not until she collided with an elderly gentleman that she realized she didn't have a stitch of clothing on.

Horrified, she let out a shriek.

Her fellow sufferer looked at her sadly:

- Don't let it bother you, miss - he moaned.

- I'll never live to tell anyone.

What's the difference between women and men?
→ One has morning sickness, the other has morning stiffness.

The Seven Most Important Men in a Woman's Life

- The Doctor - who tells her to "take off all her clothes."

- The Dentist - who tells her to "open wide."

- The Milkman - who asks her "do you want it in the front or the back?"

- The Hairdresser - who asks her "do you want it teased or blown?"

- The Interior Designer - who tells her "once it's inside, you'll LOVE it!"

- The Banker - who insists to her "if you take it out too soon, you'll lose interest!"

- The Primal Hunter - who always goes deep into the bush, always shoots twice, always eats what he shoots, but keeps telling her "Keep quiet and lie still!"

What are the three fastest means of communication?
→ Internet Telephone Telawoman!

The not necessarily well-prepared student sat in his life science classroom staring at a question on the final exam paper. The question directed:

- Give four advantages of breast milk.

What to write? He sighed, and began to scribble whatever came into his head, hoping for the best:

1. No need to boil.
2. Cats can't steal it.
3. Available whenever necessary.

So far so good - maybe. But the exam demanded a four-part answer. Again, what to write? Once more, he sighed. He frowned. He scowled, then sighed again. But suddenly, he brightened. He grabbed his pen, and triumphantly, he scribbled his definitive answer:

4. Available in attractive containers.

At a dinner party, several of the guests were arguing whether men or women were more trustworthy. "No woman," said one man, scornfully, "can keep a secret." "I don't know about that," huffily answered a woman guest. "I have kept my age a secret since I was twenty-one." "You'll let it out some day," the man insisted. "I hardly think so!" responded the lady. "When a woman has kept a secret for twenty-seven years, she can keep it forever."

One of the life's mysteries is how a two-pound box of candy can make a woman gain five pounds.