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How many honest, intelligent, caring men in the world does it take to do the dishes?
→ Both of them.

Whats the difference between pink and purple?
→ Your grip.

Two confirmed bachelors sat talking. Their conversation drifted from politics to cooking. "I got a cookbook once," said the first, "but I could never do anything with it."

"Too much fancy cooking in it, eh?" asked the second.

"You said it. Every one of the recipes began the same way - 'Take a clean dish and....'"

How do u get 4 gay men to sit on 1 stoll?
→ you turn it over!

These two guys had just gotten divorces and they swore they would never have anything to do with women again. They were best friends and they decided to move up to Alaska as far north as they could go and never look at a woman again.

They got up there and went into a trader's store and told him:

- Give us enough supplies to last two men for one year.

The trader got the gear together and on top of each one's supplies he laid a board with a hole in it with fur around the hole. The guys said:

- What's that board for?

The trader said:

- Well, where you're going there are no women and you might need this.

They said:

- No way! We've sworn off women for life!

The trader said:

Why did God give men larger brains than dogs?
→ So they won't hump women's legs at cocktail parties.

Why is a man at his smartest when he is having sex?
→ Because he's plugged into a woman!

What food best describes a man?
→ Jerky

How do you scare a man?
→ Sneak up behind him and start throwing rice.

Man walks into a supermarket and buys:

- 1 bar of soap

- 1 toothbrush

- 1 tube toothpaste

- 1 loaf of bread

- 1 pint of milk

- 1 single serving cereal

- 1 single serving frozen dinner

The girl at the checkout looks at him and says:

- Single are you?

There are only two four letter words that are offensive to men: "don't" and "stop".

Men are like...

Men are like animals: messy, insensitive and potentially violent, but they make great pets.

There are a lot of words you can use to describe men: strong, caring, loving.

They'd be wrong, but you could still use them.

How do men sort their laundry?
→ "Filthy" and "Filthy but Wearable".

How can you tell soap operas are fictional?
→ In real life, men aren't affectionate in bed.

What's a man's idea of foreplay?
→ A half-hour of begging.

One night a wife found her husband standing over their baby's crib. Silently she watched him. As he stood looking down at the sleeping infant, she saw on his face a mixture of emotions: disbelief, doubt, delight, amazement, enchantment, skepticism.

Touched by this unusual display and the deep emotions it aroused, with eyes glistening she slipped her arm around her husband.

- A penny for your thoughts - she said.

- It's amazing! - he replied.

- I just can't see how anybody can make a crib like that for only $46.50.

A guy says:

- I remember the first time I used alcohol as a substitute for women.

- Yeah what happened? - asked the other.

The first guy replies:

- Well, I got my penis stuck in the neck of the bottle.

There was three guys, one with a rubber dick, one with a wooden dick, and one with a nine foot dick.

The guy with the rubber dick couldn't have sex because it wasn't hard.

The guy with the wooden dick couldn't have sex because the other person would get splinters. Finally, the third guy with a nine foot dick says:

- See that girl over there? Bam. Got her.

How many men does it take to change a roll of toilet paper?
→ No one knows. Its never happened.

How many men does it take to pop popcorn?
→ Three. One to hold the pan and two to show off and shake the stove.

Why do men like blonde jokes??
→ Because they can understand them.

Why can't a man eat like a bird?
→ Have you ever tried to pick up food with your pecker?

Once some boys got together to play poker one night, after about 4 hours of playing, Tim had severe chest pains and suddenly slumped over, one of the gamblers who happened to be a doctor, examined him, and to everybodies shock, poor Tim had died of a heart attack.

All his friends didn't know how to break the news to his wife, finally Johnny said:

- I can be diplomatic about it and break the news gently!.

Johnny rang the bell at Tim's house, and when his wife answered the door, he calmly said to her:

- Tim just gambled with us and lost 1,000 dollars!

When Tim's wife heard this she said:

- Tell him to just drop dead!

Johnny answered:

- That's exactly what he did!.

The way to a man's heart is through his feet (but you need a long knife).