At a dinner party, several of the guests were arguing whether men or women were more trustworthy. "No woman," said one man, scornfully, "can keep a secret." "I don't know about that," huffily answered a woman guest. "I have kept my age a secret since I was twenty-one." "You'll let it out some day," the man insisted. "I hardly think so!" responded the lady. "When a woman has kept a secret for twenty-seven years, she can keep it forever."
What is the meaning of "sanctity"?
→ It's french, for a lady with five breasts.
What's the difference between men and women?
→ Women must play hard to get; men must get hard to play!
What's long and hard and excites a girl when she's finally lucky enough to get on it?
→ The road to success!
What would you call a virgin on a water bed?
→ A cherry float!
Why didnt NASA send a woman to the moon yet?
→ Because it does not need to be cleaned!
How many women with PMS does it take to screw in a light bulb?
→ One. ONE!! And do you know WHY it only takes ONE?
Because no one else in this house knows HOW to change a light bulb. They don't even know the bulb is BURNED OUT. They would sit in this house in the dark for THREE DAYS before they figured it OUT. And once they figured it out they wouldn't be able to find the light bulbs despite the fact that they've been in the SAME CUPBOARD for the past SEVENTEEN YEARS. But if they did, by some miracle, actually find the light bulbs, TWO DAYS LATER the chair that they dragged from two rooms over to stand on to change the STUPID light bulb would STILL BE IN THE SAME SPOT!! AND UNDERNEATH IT…
What's the difference between a barmaid in the evening and a barmaid at night?
→ A barmaid in the evening is fair and buxom.
→ A barmaid at night is bare and ....
Some beauty parlors do a great job.
One young man followed a young woman for twenty blocks. Then he found out it was his grandmother.
Should I have a baby after 35?
→ No, 35 children is enough.
Three women were sitting at a bar having a few drinks.
After a while the conversation started turning a little rude and crass. Soon the women were getting louder and they were arguing about how wide their snatches were. (This happens all the time.)
The first woman got up on the bar, lifted her leg, grabbed a baseball bat and slid it home. All the people in the bar were watching, hooting and hollering, throwing money.
Five minutes later the second woman got up, lifted her leg, grabbed a bowling ball and slid it in. People were going ballistic.
Finally the third women very casually got up on the bar and asked for a quarter. She slid it in..... and the jukebox starts playing.
A woman participating in a survey was asked how she felt about condoms. She said, "Depends on what's in it for me."
Two old friends are having coffee when the first woman says:
- I hear that you've been telling people that I'm ugly!
- Oh NO! I've just been saying that your new hairdo makes you look less attractive.
- I also heard that you've been calling me fat?!?
- Oh NO! I just said that the way you wear those stripes makes you look larger than you really are.
- I've also heard that you're saying that my husband has a wart on his dick!
- Oh NO! I only said that it feels like he has a wart on his dick!
How many women with PMS does it take to screw in a light bulb?
→ One. ONE!! And do you know WHY it only takes ONE?
Because no one else in this house knows HOW to change a light bulb. They don't even know the bulb is BURNED OUT.
They would sit in this house in the dark for THREE DAYS before they figured it OUT. And once they figured it out they wouldn't be able to find the light bulbs despite the fact that they've been in the SAME CUPBOARD for the past SEVENTEEN YEARS. But if they did, by some miracle, actually find the light bulbs, TWO DAYS LATER the chair that they dragged from two rooms over to stand on to change the STUPID light bulb would STILL BE IN THE SAME SPOT!! AND UNDERNEATH IT WOULD…
Answering Machine Recording:
- You have reached the breast self-examination hot line. Please press 1 now.......
- Now press the other one.
Two old friends are having coffee when the first woman says:
- I hear that you've been telling people that I'm ugly!
- Oh NO! I've just been saying that your new hairdo makes you look less attractive.
- I also heard that you've been calling me fat?!?
- Oh NO! I just said that the way you wear those stripes makes you look larger than you really are.
- I've also heard that you're saying that my husband has a wart on his dick!
- Oh NO! I only said that it feels like he has a wart on his dick!
- Would you sleep with me for ten thousand dollars? - asked John.
- Yes, I will. - Paula replied.
- Would you do it for one thousand? - he asked.
- Well maybe, or maybe I'd do something else for you. - she answered with a wink.
- How about a blowjob for $20? - responded John.
- Hey! What kind of women do you think I am? - Paula snapped, indignantly.
- That's already been established, Paula. Now we're just haggling over the price!
In a recent scientific research project, it was proved that Beer contains the female hormone oestrogen.
That's why after a six pack you can't drive.
What's the definition of a perfect woman?
a) Three feet tall with a round hole for a mouth and a flat head so that you can put a pint of beer on it.
b) The sports model has pullback ears and her teeth fold in.
c) The economy model fucks all night and at midnight turn into a roastbeef sandwich and a sixpack.
If you act immature enough and hang around long enough, an older woman will just mistake you for another one of her children and let you live at her house rent-free. Older women can afford to support you.
The modest young lass had just purchased some lingerie and asked if she might have the sentence, "If you can read this you're too damn close" embroidered on her panties and bra. "Yes Madame," said the clerk. "I'm quite certain that could be done. Would you prefer block or script letters?" "Braille," she replied.
One of the life's mysteries is how a two pound box of candy can make a woman gain five pounds.
What do cow pies and cowgirls have in common?
→ The older they get the easier they are to pick up.
This blind guy was walking pass the fish market and he said "Good morning ladies.."
These two women went out for a night on the town and got just totally sloshed. At the end of the evening they decided to take a short cut through a cow pasture after being unable to find a ride home. They became lost so split up to try and find the road home. One of the lushes doubled back only to stumble on the other flat on her back sucking on, and playing with a cow's udders. Her friend screamed "what are you doing"? the other lush says "shut up, with all these guys here someone'll drive us home".
