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When that fool Reagan said that the Soviet Union was a failed experiment headed for the ash heap of history, I knew he was a demagogue.

When that fool Reagan said that the Soviet Union was an evil empire, I knew he was a dangerous kook.

When that fool Reagan said that we could end the Cold War by escalating the arms race, I knew the odds favored nuclear annihilation.

When the Soviet Union went broke, dissolved, and repudiated its past, I knew it was all Gorbachev's genius, and that fool Reagan had nothing to do with it.

Because if that fool Reagan was right all along...

...what kind of fool am I?

Jules Feiffer

- Ken: So Mr. President did you ever buy Lewinsky any gifts?

- Prez: I don't rightly recall ... actually I did once splash out on a dress for her

A lady from California purchased a piece of timber land in Oregon. There was a large tree on one of the highest points in the tract. She wanted to get a good view of her land so she started to climb the big tree. As she neared the top, she encountered a spotted owl that attacked her. In her haste to escape, the lady slid down the tree to the ground and got many splinters in her private parts. In considerable pain, she hurried to the nearest doctor. He listened to her story then told her to go into the examining room and he would see if he could help her.

She sat and waited for three hours before the doctor reappeared. The angry lady demanded:

- What took you so long?

and he replied:

The Lord said to Noah:

- In six months, I'm going to make it rain until the earth is covered with water and all the evil is destroyed. I want you to build an ark and save two of each animal species. Here are the blueprints for the ark.

Six months passed. The skies began to cloud and rain began to fall. Noah sat in his front yard, weeping.

- Why haven't you built the ark? - asked the Lord.

- Oh, forgive me - said Noah. I did my best, but so many things happened.

- The blueprints you gave me didn't meet the city's code and I had to change them. Then the city said I was violating the zoning ordinance by building an ark in my front yard, so I had to get a varience..

Dan Quayle, Newt Gingrich, and Bill Clinton are traveling in a car together in the Midwest, when suddenly a tornado comes along and whirls them up into the air and tosses them thousands of yards away. When they come down and pull themselves from the vehicle, they realize they're in the land of OZ. Naturally, they decide to go to see the Wizard of OZ.

Says Quayle:

- I'm going to ask the Wizard for a brain.

Says Gingrich:

- I'm going to ask the Wizard for a heart.

Clinton says:

- Where's Dorothy?

Sleeping Beauty, Tom Thumb and Don Juan were having a terrible fight. Sleeping Beauty proclaimed:

- I am the most beautiful person in the world.

- No, you're not - answered Don Juan and Tom Thumb.

Tom Thumb shouted:

- I am the smallest person in the world.

- No, you're not - said Sleeping Beauty and Don Juan.

Don Juan announced:

- I've had more lovers than any person in the world.

- No, you haven't - replied Tom Thumb and Sleeping Beauty.

Well, they decided that if the three were to get along, they needed a mediator, and decided that Merlin, clearly the smartest person in the world, would be ideal. Merlin agreed and summoned them all to his palace, where he announced he would meet with them one at a…

This little old lady calls 911. When the operator answers she yells:

- Help, send the police to my house right away! There's a damn Democrat on my front porch and he's playing with himself.

- What? - the operator exclaimed.

- I said there is a damn Democrat on my front porch playing with himself and he's weird; I don't know him and I'm afraid! Please send the police! - the little old lady repeated.

- Well, now, how do you know he's a Democrat?

- Because, you damn fool, if it was a Republican, he'd be screwing somebody!

Bumper sticker seen in Cambridge, Mass: "Re-elect President Gore in 2000"

In light of the latest allegations against President Clinton, Woodward and Bernstein of Watergate fame are in negotiations with publishers to write a new book about the scandal. Working title: "All the President's Women."

If Kenneth Starr can extend his probe, what is wrong with Clinton doing the same?

- Prosecutor: Mr. Clinton, did you have an improper relationship with Monica Lewinsky?

- Pres: Improper? ... Ain't nothing improper about that. That was one of the sweetest interns I've ever had.

In a survey of American women, when asked, "Would you sleep with President Clinton?" 86% replied, "Not again"

What's the difference between John Denver and Michael Kennedy?
→ John Denver made it alive out of Aspen.

Has Elton John re-written any of his songs for Michael Kennedy?
→ Not yet, but he's done one about the tree: "I'm Still Standing"

How can you be sure that Michael was really a Kennedy?
→ Check the family tree.

A simple accident? Some witnesses insist there was a second tree at the snow-covered knoll...

What do Michael and JFK Jr's magazine "George" have in common?
→ Wood pulp.

New bumper sticker....

President Clinton, returning from a campaign stop in Arkansas, is climbing the steps to board Air Force One. Under each arm he is carrying a souvenir of his trip -- a live razorback. At the top of the jetway, he is met by the guard, a Marine sergeant, who issues a crisp salute.

- I'd salute you back, Sergeant - says the President - but as you can see, I've got my hands full.

- Yes, sir - replies the sergeant - Very nice pigs, sir. Very nice pigs.

- Why, these aren't pigs - the President responds - These are RAZORBACKS!

- Yes, sir -- razorbacks. Sorry, sir.

- Yup - Clinton continues - Got this one for Chelsea, and this one for Hillary.

The sergeant replies:

- Very good trade, sir -- very good trade.

Hillary Clinton, Chelsea Clinton, and Bill Clinton are sitting in a helicopter and Bill starts to think. He sits there for about 15 minutes and finally Hillary asks why he is looking so sad.

He says:

- I just was wondering what I could do for the poor countries.

- Well - says Chelsea - you could throw $100,000 out the window of the helicopter. I'm sure that the poor will get some of it.

He agrees that it's a good idea and he does.

About 5 minutes later he starts thinking again.

Hillary asks:

- Why do you still look so sad? You just threw $100,000 out the window of the helicopter. That helped a lot of poor people.

He says:

- I still feel like I didn't do enough.

Shortest Book of the Month: Ronald Reagan's "Memories"

California officials have determined that students would probably do better with math word problems, if they could relate them to real life examples. Towards that end, may I present:

The City of Los Angeles High School Math Proficiency Exam

Name: Gang:

1. Johnny has an AK-47 with an 80-round clip. If he misses 6 out of 10 shots and shoots 13 times at each drive-by shooting, how many drive-by shootings can he attempt before he has to reload?
2. Jose has 2 ounces of cocaine and he sells an 8-ball to Jackson for $320 and 2 grams to Billy for $85 per gram. What is the street value of the balance of the cocaine if he doesn't cut it?
3. Rufus is pimping for three girls. If the price is $65 for each…

One Friday morning, a teacher came up with a novel way to motivate her class. She told them that she would read a quote and the first student to correctly identify who said it would receive the rest of the day off.

She started with:

- This was England's finest hour.

Little Suzy instantly jumped up and said:

- Winston Churchill.

- Congratulations - said the teacher - you may go home early.

The teacher then said:

- Ask not what your country can do for you, but..

Before she could finish the quote, another young lady belts out:

- John F. Kennedy!

What it all boils down to

criminals
Democrats: Give them a second chance
Republicans: Give them the swift sword of death

the poor
Democrats: Give them some food
Republicans: Give them the swift sword of death

endangered species
Democrats: give them protection
Republicans: Give them the swift sword of death

An elderly lady was stopped to pull into a parking space when a young man in his new red Mercedes went around her and parked in the space she was waiting for. The little old lady was so upset that she went up to the man and said:

- I was going to park there!

The man was a real smart aleck and he said:

- That's what you can do when you're young and bright.

Well, this really upset the lady even more, so she got in her car and backed it up and then she stomped on the gas and plowed right into his Mercedes. The young man ran back to his car and asked:

- What did you do that for?

The little old lady smiled and told him:

- That's what you can do when you're old and rich!

Jacob age 85, and Rebecca age 79 are all excited about their decision to get married. They go for a stroll to discuss the wedding and on the way go past a drugstore. Jacob suggests that they go in. He addresses the man behind the counter:

- Jacob: Are you the owner?

- Pharmacist: Yes.

- Jacob: Do you sell heart medication?

- Pharmacist: Of course we do.

- Jacob: How about medicine for circulation?

- Pharmacist: All kinds.

- Jacob: Medicine for rheumatism?

- Pharmacist: Definitely.

- Jacob: How about Viagra?

Perhaps you know why women over fifty don't have babies.

They would put them down somewhere and forget where they left them.

An old lady was standing at the railing of the cruise ship holding her hat on tight, so that it would not blow off in the wind.

A gentleman approached her and said:

- Pardon me, madam. I do not intend to be forward, but did you know that your dress is blowing up in this high wind?

- Yes, I know - said the lady.

- I need both hands to hold onto this hat.

- But, madam, you must know that your privates are exposed! - said the gentleman in earnest.

The woman looked down, then back up at the man and replied:

- Sir, anything you see down there is 85 years old. I just bought this hat yesterday!

An elderly man thinking his wife was losing her hearing went about 20' behind her and asked "Can you hear me sweetheart?" No reply. Moved to 10' and inquired again. No reply. 5' and not a word. A few inches behind ear, he asked "Can you hear me now honey?" His wife said "For the fourth time, yes."

This old man in his eighties got up and was putting on his coat.

His wife said:

- Where are you going?

He said:

- I'm going to the doctor.

And she said:

- Why? Are you sick?

- No - he said.

- I'm going to get me some of those new Viagra pills.

So his wife got up out of her rocker and was putting on her sweater and he said: