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Finally, Serbian hackers hacked the navigation systems of "Tomahawk" missiles -- now they're called "Boomerang."

At a U.N. meeting the American ambassador turned to the Japanese ambassador and whispered, "When was your last election?" The Japanese ambassador turned bright red and whispered back, "before bleakfast."

Bill and Hillary are at a restaurant. The waiter tells them tonight's special is chicken almondine and fresh fish. "The chicken sounds good, I'll have that," Hillary says. The waiter nods. "And the vegetable?" he asks. "Oh, He'll have the fish," Hillary replies.

Bill and Hillary are at the first baseball game of the season. Suddenly Clinton grabs Hillary by the collar and throws her over the side and onto the field. The stunned umpire shouted, "No, Mr. President! I said, Throw the first PITCH!"

What do pub landlords say in Kosovo at chucking out time?
→ Come on you lot, have you not got any homes to go to?

Will sell for parts one F-117 Plane in wrecked condition. Self pick-up from Yugoslavia by buyer

Serbian official press agency claimed today that Serbian forces shot down two F-117 Planes and four Ballistic "smart" missiles.

Pentagon denied the statement, saying that all of them had safely returned to NATO's base.

- Little Boy: What will communism be like when perfected?

- His Father: Everyone will have what he needs.

- LB: But what if there is a shortage of meat?

- HF: There will be a sign in the butcher shop saying, "No one needs meat today."

Why is Bill Clinton happy he named his dog "Buddy?"
→ Because it's a BAD TIME to be yelling "come Spot!" in the Whitehouse.

Monica Lewinsky's tell-all book about her affair with the U.S. President has, for one Winnipeg Chapters outlet, not sold all that well after its first day on the shelves, as reported by CBC Radio News.

To draw attention to the book, or to perhaps add some perspective, the Lewinksy book had three other titles surrounding it on its display:

- "Divorce for Dummies"

- "100 Ways to Leave Your Lover"

- "How to Remove Stains"

Former Vice President Quayle, Speaker of the House Gingrich, and President Clinton are traveling in a car together in Kansas. A tornado comes along and whirls them up into the air and tosses them thousands of yards away. They all fall into a daze. When they come to and extract themselves from the vehicle, they realize they're in the fabled Land of Oz. They decide to go see the famous Wizard of Oz. The Wizard is known for granting people their wishes.

Quayle says:

- I'm going to ask the Wizard for a brain.

Gingrich responds:

- I'm going to ask the Wizard for a heart.

Clinton speaks up:

- Where's Dorothy?

A tourist from the United States of America is at a restaurant in Havana. He tells the waiter that the USA is the best country in the world because of the freedoms it has. He says, "Take Freedom of Speech for example. I could stand in front of the White House in Washington D.C. and yell 'President Clinton is a bastard!' and nothing would be done to me." The Cuban waiter replies, "We have that same freedom in Cuba. I could stand in front of El Capital and yell the same thing and nothing would be done to me too!"

A bus filled with politicians was driving through the countryside one day, on the campaign trail. The bus driver, caught up in the beautiful scenery, loses control and crashes into the ditch.

A farmer living nearby hears the horrible crash and rushes out to discover the wreckage. Finding the politicians he buries them.

The next day, the police come to the farm to question the man.

- So you buried all the politicians? - asked the police officer.

- Were they all dead?

The farmer answered:

- Some said they weren't, but you know how politicians lie.

What do you get when you cross a crooked politician with a dishonest lawyer?
→ Chelsea

One morning Bill Clinton wakes up. He looks outside, it had snowed during the night and everything was covered in snow. He looks down and sees something written in urine on the lawn it reads:

- I hope YoU GeT ImPeAcHeD.

Bill calls the FBI and says:

- Someone has written 'I hope you get impeached' in urine on my lawn. For them to write it in the spot it's in they would have had to be on my deck. Please help me find this criminal.

The FBI agrees and comes back a week later:

- Well Mr. Clinton we did DNA, urine and handwriting tests. Do you want to here the bad news or the awful news first.

Bill sighs:

- bad I guess.

- The urine belongs to Al Gore - Bill grabs his chest.

It is time to elect a world leader and your vote counts.

Here's the scoop on the three leading candidates.

Candidate A: associates with ward heelers and consults with astrologists. He's had two mistresses. He chain smokes and drinks 8 to 10 martinis a day.

Candidate B: was kicked out of office twice, sleeps until noon, used opium in college and drinks a quart of brandy every evening.

Candidate C: is a decorated war hero. He's a vegetarian, doesn't smoke, drinks an occasional beer and hasn't had any illicit affairs.

Which of these candidates is your choice??

Candidate A is Franklin D. Roosevelt
Candidate B is Winston Churchill
Candidate C is Adolph Hitler

Why did the chicken cross the road?
→ BILL CLINTON: Let me say this one more time. I did not have sexual relations with that chicken.

Bill Clinton and Al Gore go into a local diner for lunch.

As they read the menu the waitress comes over and askes Clinton:

- Are you ready to order?

Clinton replies:

- Yes, I'd like a quickie.

- A quickie?!? - the waitress replies.

- Sir, given the current situation of your personal life I don't think that is a good idea. I'll come back when you are ready to order from the menu.

She walks away.

Gore leans over to Clinton and says:

- It's pronounced Quiche.

Why did clinton follow the chicken across the road?
→ because, he couldn't get his dick out of its ass.

Clinton died and was standing at the Pearly Gates. After knocking at the gates, St. Peter appeared:

- Who goes there? - inquired St. Peter.

- It's me, Bill Clinton.

- And what do you want? - asked St. Peter.

- Lemme in! - replied Clinton.

- Soooo, - pondered Peter. What bad things did you do on earth?

Clinton thought a bit and answered:

- Well, I smoked marijuana but you shouldn't hold that against me because I didn't inhale. I guess I had extra-marital sex -- but you shouldn't hold that against me because I didn't really have 'sexual relations.' And I lied, but I didn't commit perjury.

After several moments of deliberation St. Peter replied:

During a recent publicity outing, Hillary sneaked off to visit a fortune teller of some local repute. In a dark and hazy room, peering into a crystal ball, the mystic delivered grave news:

- There's no easy way to say this, so I'll just be blunt: Prepare yourself to be a widow. Your husband will die a violent and horrible death this year.

Visibly shaken, Hillary stared at the woman's lined face, then at the single flickering candle, then down at her hands. She took a few deep breaths to compose herself. She simply had to know. She met the fortune teller's gaze, steadied her voice, and asked her question:

- Will I be acquitted?

A political man to a woman:

- You look beautiful today!!!!

The woman replied:

- Thanks, but unfortunately I could not say the same about you.

- Sure you could!! - said the political man, if you could lie as well as I do!

A doctor, an engineer, and a politician were arguing as to which profession was older.

- Well, - argued the doctor, without a physician mankind could not have survived, so I am sure that mine is the oldest profession.

- No, - said the engineer, before life began there was complete chaos, and it took an engineer to create some semblance of order from this chaos. So engineering is older.

- But, - chirped the triumphant politician, who created the chaos?

WASHINGTON, DC - Frustrated by failed attempts to turn public support away from the president, congress today announced it would begin releasing completely fabricated documents and videotapes on Monday.

Speaker Newt Gingrich addressed the press at the Capitol this morning:

- We feel that with the release of all the documents from the Starr Inquisition, and the public still supporting the president, we need to take further steps in our neverending goal of overturning the 1992 and 1996 elections. On Monday morning, we will release a diary of President Clinton's in which he claims to have had dinner with Adolf Hitler, Ayatolla Khomeni and Saddam Hussein, and later slept with them in the Lincoln…

One day there were these three boys walking down the street, all of a sudden they heard a yell: 'HELP! HELP!' When the boys got to the noise they saw Bill Clinton in a lake drowning. The three boys saved him from drowning. Bill Clinton asks the first boy how he could ever repay him. The boy said, 'I want a boat.' The second boy said 'I want a truck.' And the third boy said, 'I want three tombstones with are names all on them.' Bill Clinton said, 'why is that son?' The little boy said, 'because when my Dad finds out that we saved you, he is going to kill us all!'