Willy's rolling down the hall of a retirement home acting like he's driving a car, an orderly turns the corner and asks Willy what he's doing.
Willy replies:
- I'm going to Chicago for the weekend.
The orderly chuckles and enters Bob's room to check on him.
He catchs Bob pleasuring himself, when asked what he is doing, Bob replies:
- I'm screwing Willy's old lady while he's away in Chicago.
A young boy was visiting his grandfather's farm when one day he walks out behind the barn and sees his grandfather playing with himself.
The boy says:
- What are you doing grandpa, jacking off?
Grandpa replies:
- No sonny, just jacking!
An old couple is on a walk, when a pigeon flies by and deposits a poopy little present on the woman's head. "Yech!" says the woman. "Get some toilet paper." "What for? He must be half-a-mile away by now."
A little old lady walked into the bank, cashed a small check, and started out. Passing the armed guard, she smiled and said, "You can go home now."
How do you get four old ladies to say the F word?
→ Have the fifth one say.... BINGO!
Joe still enjoyed chasing girls when he got to be 70.
When his wife was asked if she minded, she answered:
- Why should I be upset? Dogs chase cars, but they can't drive.
Seems this elderly couple went to the clinic and asked to be tested for HIV. When the counselor asked why they felt that they should be tested at their age, the old man said, "Well, we heard on TV that people should be tested after annual sex!"
Nancy & Betty, and Jim & Tom were in the old people's home. Nancy & Betty thought Jim & Tom weren't getting enough excitement so they decided to run naked past Jim & Tom's room. Later that night they did just that.
Jim looked at Tom and said:
- Did you see that? What in the hell were Nancy & Betty wearing?
- I don't know, but whatever it was, it sure needed ironing.
An elderly man tells the Doctor he is planning on marrying a women of 30, and would he have any suggestions.
- Yes - says the Doctor.
- I would advise you to take in a boarder.
A year later at his 80th year check-up, the Doctor asks how everything is going. He says fine his wife is pregnant.
The Doctor remarks:
- so you took my advise and took in a boarder?
- Yes I did, is the reply, and she's pregnant also.....
An old man, Mr. Smith, resided in a nursing home. One day he went into the nurses' office and informed Nurse Jones that his penis died.
Nurse Jones, realizing the Mr. Smith was old and forgetful decided to play along with him.
- It did? I'm sorry to hear that - she replied.
Two days later, Mr. Smith was walking down the halls at the nursing home with his penis hanging outside his pants. Nurse Jones saw him and said:
- Mr. Smith I thought you told me your penis died.
- It did - he replied;
- today is the viewing
An older man wearing a stovepipe hat, a waistcoat and a phoney beard sat down at a bar and ordered a drink. As the bartender set it down, he asked:
- Going to a party?
- Yeah - the man answered.
- I'm supposed to come dressed as my love life.
- But you look like Abe Lincoln - protested the barkeep.
- That's right. My last four scores were seven years ago.
"Dear Reyer School, God bless you for the beautiful radio I won at your recent senior citizen's luncheon. I am 84 years old and live at the county home for the aged. All my people are gone. It's nice to know that someone thinks of me. God bless you for your kindness to an old forgotten lady.
My roommate is 95 and always had her own radio, but would never let me listen to it. The other day her radio fell and broke into a lot of pieces. It was awful. She asked if she could listen to mine, so naturally I told her to go fuck herself.
Sincerely,
Edna Johnston"
- What's wrong, sonny? - asked the old timer sympathetically, coming over to the little kid who was sitting on the curb, crying his heart out.
- I'm crying 'cause I can't do what the big boys do!
So the old man sat down and wept too.
What's the best thing about turning 65?
→ No more calls from insurance salesmen.
An elderly couple, still very loving after all these years, is shocked when the woman's doctor says she has a heart condition that could kill her at any time. She is to avoid stress, eat right, and never, ever have sex again -- the strain would be too much. The couple reluctantly try to live by these rules. Both get really horny over time, however, and the husband decides he'd better sleep downstairs on the couch to guard against temptation. This works for a few weeks, until late one night when they meet each other on the stairs -- she's coming downstairs, he's heading up. "Honey, I have a confession to make," the woman says, her voice quavering. "I was about to commit suicide." "I'm glad…
Two really old guys decided they would go out and try to play a round of golf together. They get on the first tee and the first old guy says to the second:
- My eyesight isn't what it used to be. Can you watch my ball for me?
The second guy says:
- Sure! I see fine. Go ahead and hit.
So the first old man steps up to the tee and really hits it. He turns to his buddy and says:
- Did you see it?
- Sure! - says his buddy.
- Where did it go? - the first guy asks.
The second old man thinks for a minute and says:
- I can't remember.
A man goes to visit his 85-year-old grandpa in the hospital.
- How are you grandpa? - he asks.
- Feeling fine - says the old man.
- What's the food like?
- Terrific, wonderful menus.
- And the nursing?
- Just couldn't be better. These young nurses really take care of you.
- What about sleeping? Do you sleep okay?
- No problem at all --- nine hours solid every night. At 10 o'clock they bring me a cup of hot chocolate and a Viagra tablet, and that's it. I go out like a light.
The grandson is puzzled and a little alarmed by this, so he rushes off to question the Nurse in charge.
A man was walking down the street when he noticed his grandpa sitting on the porch, in the rocking chair, with nothing on from the waist down.
- Grandpa, what are you doing? - he exclaimed.
The old man looked off in the distance and did not answer him.
- Grandpa, what are you doing sitting out here with nothing on below the waist? - he asked again.
The old man slyly looked at him and said:
- Well, last week I sat out here with no shirt on, and I got a stiff neck. This was your Grandma's idea!
The old man was saying to his doctor, "You know, Doc, when I was young, it was as hard as a rock. As I got a little older, I could bend it a little and now I can bend it alot. Does that mean I'm getting stronger?"
Two old women were sitting on a bench waiting for their bus. The buses were running late, and a lot of time passed. Finally, one woman turned to the other and said:
- You know, I've been sitting here so long, my butt fell asleep!
The other woman turned to her and said:
- I know! I heard it snoring!
What's the worst thing about having to kiss Grandma?
→ When the damn coffin lid falls and hits you in the head.
Seventy year old George went for his annual physical. All of his tests came back with great results. Dr. Smith said:
- George everything looks great physically. How are you doing mentally, emotionally and are you at peace with your self and have a good relationship with God?
George replied:
- God and me are tight. We are so close that when I get up in the middle of the night, poof!...the light goes on and I go to the bathroom and then poof! the light goes off!
- Wow - commented Dr. Smith.
- That's incredible!
A little later in the day Dr. Smith called George's wife.
- Thelma - he said.
- George is just fine. Physically he's great. But I had to call you because I'm in awe of his relationship with…
An elderly gentleman went to the local drug store and asked the pharmacist for Viagra. The pharmacist said:
- That's no problem. How many do you want?
The man answered:
- Just a few, maybe 4, but cut each one in 4 pieces.
The pharmacist said:
- That won't do you any good.
The elderly gentleman said:
- That's alright. I don't need them for sex anymore as I am over 80 years old. I just want it to stick out far enough so I don't pee on my shoes.
One evening a family brings their frail, elderly mother to a nursing home and leaves her, hoping she will be well cared for. The next morning, the nurses bathe her, feed her a tasty breakfast, and set her in a chair at a window overlooking a lovely flower garden. She seems OK, but after a while she slowly starts to fall over sideways in her chair.
Two attentive nurses immediately rush up to catch her and straighten her up. Again she seems OK, but after a while she starts to tilt to the other side. The nurses rush back and once more bring her back upright. This goes on all morning.
Later the family arrives to see how the old woman is adjusting to her new home.
An old lady lived by herself in a small house in a small town. One day she went to the local grocery store and while she was gone a criminal broke into her house, took her clothes off of the line, smashed the watermellons in her garden, shaved her cat and then left when he couldn't find any money. Well, a couple of hours later the old laty got home and when she saw what had happened to her house she immediately called the police. When the officer on the other end answered the phone and asked her what the problem was she simply replied "yes officer someone broke into my house, took my clothes off, squeezed my melons, and shaved my pussy."
