A woman hears from her doctor that she has only half a year to live.
The doctor advises her to marry an economist and to live in South Dakota.
The woman asks: will this cure my illness?
The doctor replies: No, but the half year will seem pretty long.
Two policemen are considering the problem of catching the bandit. One of them starts to calculate the optimal mixed strategy for the chase. The other policeman protests. 'While we're doodling,' he points out, 'he is making his getaway.' 'Relax,' says the game-theorist policeman. 'He's got to figure it out too, don't he?'
Two government economists were returning home from a field meeting. As with all government travelers, they were assigned the cheapest seats on the plane so they each were occupying the center seat on opposite sides of the aisle.
They continued their discussion of the knotty problem that had been the subject of their meeting through takeoff and meal service until finally one of the passengers in an aisle seat offered to trade places so they could talk and he could sleep.
After switching seats, one economist remarked to the other that it was the first time an economic discussion ever kept anyone awake.
Bill and Boris are taking a break from a long summit. Boris says to Bill:
- Bill, you know, I have a big problem. I don't know what to do about it. I have a hundred bodyguards and one of them is a traitor. I don't know which one.
- Not a big deal Boris, I'm stuck with a hundred economists I have to listen to all the time before any policy decision, and only one tells the truth but it's never the same one.
Economics is ruining your life when...
- I tried to calculate my 3 year old son's discount rate by seeing how many sweets he would require to be promised to him after dinner to be equivalent to one sweet before dinner
- I spent one hour in a toy shop making up over 20 bundles of toys that could be purchased for $25 and then asked my son to select one of these bundles
Top economist Valentine's Day cards:
A party of economists was climbing in the Alps. After several hours they became hopelessly lost. One of them studied the map for some time, turning it up and down, sighting on distant landmarks, consulting his compass, and finally the sun. Finally he said, 'OK see that big mountain over there?' 'Yes', answered the others eagerly. 'Well, according to the map, we're standing on top of it.'
If you do some acrobatics with a little mathematics it will take you far along. If your idea's not defensible don't make it comprehensible or folks will find you out, and your work will draw attention if you only fail to mention what the whole thing is about. Your must talk of GNP and of elasticity of rates of substitution and undeterminate solution and oligonopopsony.
The following is supposedly a true story.
An economist was about to give a presentation in Washington, DC on the problems with Black-Scholes model of option pricing and was expecting no more than a dozen of government officials attending.
To his amazement, when he arrived, the room was packed with edgy, tough-looking guys in shades. Still, after five or so minutes into the presentation all of them stood up and left without a word.
The economist found out only later that his secretary ran the presentation through a spell-checker and what was "The Problem with Black-Scholes" became "The Problem with Black Schools".
An economist is a trained professional paid to guess wrong about the economy. An econometrician is a trained professional paid to use computers to guess wrong about the economy.
Talk is cheap. Supply exceeds Demand.
Bentley's second Law of Economics: The only thing more dangerous than an economist is an amateur economist!
Berta's Fundamental Law of Economic Rents.. "The only thing more dangerous than an amateur economist is a professional economist."
Definition: Policy Analyst is someone unethical enough to be a lawyer, impractical enough to be a theologian, and pedantic enough to be an economist.
Three econometricians went out hunting, and came across a large deer. The first econometrician…
Top reasons to study Economics:
A businessman tells his friend that his company is looking for a new accountant.
His friend asks:
- Didn't your company hire a new accountant a few weeks ago?
The businessman replies:
- That's the accountant we're looking for.
An accountant is having a hard time sleeping and so he decides to go to see his doctor.
- Doctor, I just can't get to sleep at night - complains the man.
- Have you tried counting sheep? - inquired the doctor.
The accountant replied:
- That's the problem, Doc. I make a mistake and then spend three hours trying to find it!
A man walking along a road in the countryside comes across a shepherd and a huge flock of sheep. Stopping to rest, he tells the shepherd:
- I will bet you $100 against one of your sheep that I can tell you the exact number in this flock.
The shepherd thinks it over. It's a big flock, so he takes the bet.
The man looks around and answers:
- 869.
The shepherd is astonished, because that is exactly right.
The shepherd says:
- Okay, I'm a man of my word, take an animal.
The man picks one up and begins to walk away.
- Wait - cries the shepherd, "let me have a chance to get even. Double or nothing that I can guess your exact occupation." The man agrees.
A nervous taxpayer was unhappily conversing with the IRS Tax auditor who had come to review his records.
At one point the auditor exclaimed:
- Mr. Carelton, we feel it is a great privilege to be allowed to live and work in the USA. As a citizen you have an obligation to pay taxes, and we expect you to eagerly pay them with a smile.
- Thank goodness - returned Mr. Carelton, with a giant grin on his face:
- I thought you were going to want me to pay with cash.
Kowalski, fresh out of accounting school, went to a interview for a good paying job. The company boss asked various questions about him and his education, but then asked him:
- What is three times seven?
- Twenty-two - Kowalski replied.
After he left, he double-checked it on his calculator (he knew he should have taken it to the interview!) and realized he wouldn't get the job.
About two weeks later, he got a letter that said he was hired for the job! He was not one to look a gift horse in the mouth, but was still very curious.
The next day, Kowalski went in and asked why he got the job, even though he got such a simple question wrong. The boss shrugged and said:
- Well, you were the closest.
A businessman on his deathbed called his friend and said:
- Bill, I want you to promise me that when I die you will have my remains cremated.
- And what - his friend asked - do you want me to do with your ashes?
The businessman said:
- Just put them in an envelope and mail them to the Internal Revenue Service. Write on the envelope, 'Now, you have everything.'
An accountant dies and goes to Heaven. He reaches the pearly gates and is amazed to see a happy crowd all waving banners and chanting his name.
After a few minutes St. Peter comes running across and says:
- I'm sorry I wasn't here to greet you personally. God is looking forward to meeting such a remarkable man as yourself.
The accountant is perplexed.
- I've tried to lead a good life, but I am overwhelmed by your welcome - he tells St. Peter.
- It's the least we can do for someone as special as you are. Imagine, living to the age of 123 and still looking so young - says St. Peter.
The man looks even more dumbfounded and replies:
- 123 years old? I don't know what you mean. I'm only 40.
The stockbroker received notice from the IRS that he was being audited. He showed up at the appointed time and place with all his financial records, then sat for what seemed like hours as the accountant pored over them.
Finally the IRS agent looked up and commented:
- You must have been a tremendous fan of Sir Arthur Conan Doyle.
- Why would you say that? - wondered the broker.
- Because you've made more brilliant deductions on your last three returns than Sherlock Holmes made in his entire career.
Three engineers and three accountants are traveling by train to a conference. At the station, the three accountants each buy tickets and watch as the three engineers buy only a single ticket.
- How are three people going to travel on only one ticket? - asks an accountant.
- Watch and you'll see - answers an engineer.
They all board the train. The accountants take their respective seats but all three engineers cram into a restroom and close the door behind them.
Shortly after the train has departed, the conductor comes around collecting tickets. He knocks on the restroom door and says:
- ticket, please.
The door opens just a crack and a single arm emerges with a ticket in hand. The conductor takes…
A President of a democracy is a man who is always ready, willing, and able to lay down your life for his country.
A backscratcher will always find new itches; a brown-noser will always find new sense.
A bad day fishing is better than a good day at work.
A bird in the bush usually has a friend in there with him.
A bird in the hand is always safer than one overhead.
A bird in the hand is dead.
A bird in the hand makes it hard to blow your nose.
A boss with no humor is like a job that is no fun.
A clean tie attracts the soup of the day.
A closed mouth gathers no foot.
An American manufacturer is showing his machine factory to a potential customer from Albania. At noon, when the lunch whistle blows, two thousand men and women immediately stop work and leave the building.
- Your workers, they're escaping! - cries the visitor.
- You've got to stop them.
- Don't worry, they'll be back - says the American. And indeed, at exactly one o'clock the whistle blows again, and all the workers return from their break.
When the tour is over, the manufacturer turns to his guest and says:
- Well, now, which of these machines would you like to order?
- Forget the machines - says the visitor.
- How much do you want for that whistle?
An investment counselor decided to go out on her own. She was shrewd and diligent, so business kept coming in, and pretty soon she realized that she needed an in-house counsel. The investment banker began to interview young lawyers.
"As I'm sure you can understand," she started off with one of the first applicants, "in a business like this, our personal integrity must be beyond question." She leaned forward.
- Mr. Mayberry, are you an honest lawyer?
- Honest? - replied the job prospect.
- Let me tell you something about honest. Why, I'm so honest that my father lent me $15,000 for my education, and I paid back every penny the minute I tried my very first case.
Did you hear about the banker who was recently arrested for embezzling $100,000 to pay for his daughter's college education?
As the policeman, who also had a daughter in college, was leading him away in handcuffs, he said to the banker:
- I have just one question for you. Where were you going to get the rest of the money?
"The fees for withdrawing money from your ATM machines are expected to double, even triple. You're gonna pay two to three as much to withdraw your money so basically the ATM machines have become full service. Instead of getting robbed at the ATM machine the ATM machine robs you. You eliminate the middle man." - Jay Leno
