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A polish guy wins a brand new sports car in a contest. He drives around all the time waving at the rednecks.

One day the rednecks stop him, they draw a circle in the dirt and say:

- If you step out of that circle, we will kick your ass.

They pick up hammers and start busting up his new car. They look back and he is smiling. They hit the car some more, and he is laughing.

They walk over to him and ask:

- Why are you laughing, we just busted up your car.

He says:

- I know, but I stepped out of the circle 9 times.

Did you hear about the terrible automobile accident last night?

A polish family on vacation lost all of their children. The pickup truck they were riding in ran off the road into a lake and sank to the bottom.

The parents got out of the cab OK but all the kids in the back drowned...they couldn't get the tailgate open

Why do blondes have little holes all over their faces?
→ From eating with forks.

Why don't blondes double their recipes?
→ The oven doesn't go to 700 degrees.

Angela went up to her mom and ask if she could take missy for a walk. Her mom said no, that missy was in heat.

- What is heat? - Mom said go ask your Dad, he is outside working on car.

Angela goes outside and ask her Dad if she can take missy for a walk, her Mom had said no, that missy was in heat.

- What is heat Dad?

Go get the leash and bring her here. She goes and get missy and brings her back on a leash. Her Dad takes a grease rag and soaks it in Gasoline and swips her bottom with it.

Now you can take her around the block one time. Angela goes down the street and comes back shorty with the leash and no missy. Dad says:

- where is missy?

Angela said:

The Pope died and went to heaven. When he got there, he found a lawyer in line in front of him at the Pearly Gates. Saint Peter came over and told the Pope:

- Just a minute, I'll be right back.

At that, Saint Peter took the lawyer away.

When Saint Peter came back, he told the Pope:

- Follow me to your new quarters.

Along the way they passed many people in their heavenly abodes, and they happened to pass by the quarters of the lawyer who had preceded Saint Peter through the Pearly Gates. The Pope was awe-struck by the opulence and splendor of the lawyer's quarters. There were fine silks, rare foods and drinks, soft music, and attractive young women to serve him for eternity.

Saint Peter was having a slow day at the Pearly Gates so he took a little stroll. He noticed that the fence between heaven and hell was in need of some repair. So he hollers over the fence to Lucifer.

- Saint Peter: This fence needs some repair. I'll see to it that it gets fixed if you will help pay for it.

- Lucifer: If you want it fixed, you pay for it.

- Saint Peter: The fence is partly your responsibility and you will help pay for it or I will sue you for that amount.

- Lucifer: Ha!! And where do you think you are going to get a lawyer?!

Why does Helen Keller have a yellow leg?
→ Her dog is blind also.

Did you know that Helen Keller had a doll house in the backyard?
→ Neither did she.

Why could Helen Keller only masturbate with one hand?
→ She needed the other hand to moan.

What happened when Helen Keller fell down the well?
→ She screamed her hands off!

You've seen the Helen Keller doll?
→ Wind it up, and it walks into a wall.

Your Mommas so fat the last time she saw 90210 was on a scale!

Yesterday my daughter and I drove to the babysitters house to pick up my two-year old son. We were about to get in the car to go home when I noticed a baby birds in a nest in a nearby bush.

I gently picked up one of the birds to show my daughter and my son:

- See? It's a baby - I said, trying to calm down my son, who was scared of the little bird.

- I don't want a baby, I don't want a baby - he was saying.

- He sounds just like his father - my daughter replied!

What's the definition of mixed emotions?
→ When you see your mother-in-law backing off a cliff in your new car.

Inebriated drinker says to the bartender (with a drunken slur):

- Bartender, buy everyone in the house a drink, pour yourself one, and give me the bill.

So, the bartender does just that and hands the man a bill for $37.00. The drunk says:

- I haven't got it.

The bartender slaps the guy around a few times then throws him out into the street.

The very next day the same drunk walks into the bar and once again says (with a drunken slur):

- Bartender, buy everyone in the house a drink, pour yourself one, and give me the bill.

The bartender looks at the guy and figures to himself that he can't possibly be stupid enough to pull the same trick twice so he gives him the benefit of the doubt, pours a round…

You Might Be A College Student:

- If you average 3 hours of sleep a night

- If your trash is overflowing and your bank account isn't

- If you go to Wal-Mart more than 3 times a week

- If you are personally keeping the local pizza place from bankruptcy

- If you wake up 10 minutes before class

- If you wear the same jeans 13 days in a row -- without washing them

- If your breakfast consists of a coke on the way to class

- If your social life consists of a date with the library

- If it takes a shovel to find the floor of your room

How many men does it take to screw in a light bulb?
→ Four. Actually, only one to screw it in. The other 3 are there to listen to him brag about the screwing part!

There are two major products to come out of Berkeley: LSD and UNIX.

This is not believed to be a coincidence.

There are only two things to worry about: either you are well or you are sick.

If you are well, there is nothing to worry about; but if you are sick, there are two things to worry about: either you will get well, or you will die.

If you get well, there is nothing to worry about; if you die, there are only two things to worry about: either you will go to heaven or to hell.

If you go to heaven, there is nothing to worry about.

But, if you go to hell you'll be so darned busy shaking hands with friends you won't have time to worry...

An old hillbilly and his wife had never been more than 7 miles from their home in the East Tennesse Smokies. One day the man said to his wife:

- Honey, you know we're not getting any younger and I sure would like to take a vacation and stay in one of those fancy hotels in the city before I die.

That sounded good to her so they started scrimping and saving. Four years later they had enough for them and their never-married adult son to go and spend 5 nights in a very posh hotel in the big city. They all piled into the man's old pickup and headed out.

When they got to the hotel the man said to his wife:

- Mama, you just wait in the truck. Junior and I will go in and be sure this is the right place.

Three young candidates for the priesthood are told by the Monsignor they have to pass one more test: The Celibacy Test.

The Monsignor leads them into a room, and tells them to undress, and a small bell is tied to each man's penis.

In comes a beautiful woman, wearing a sexy belly-dancer costume. She begins to dance sensually around the first candidate.
Ting-a-ling
"Oh, Patrick," says the Monsignor, "I am so disappointed in your lack of control. Go take a long, cold shower and pray about your carnal weakness." The candidate leaves.

The dancer continues, dancing around the second candidate, slowly peeling off her layers of veils. As the last veil drops:
Ting-a-ling

When the end of the world arrives how will the media report it?

- USA Today: WE'RE DEAD

- The Wall Street Journal: DOW JONES PLUMMETS AS WORLD ENDS

- National Enquirer: O.J. AND NICOLE, TOGETHER AGAIN

- Playboy: GIRLS OF THE APOCALYPSE

- Microsoft Systems Journal: APPLE LOSES MARKET SHARE

- Victoria's Secret Catalog: OUR FINAL SALE

- Sports Illustrated: GAME OVER

- Wired: THE LAST NEW THING

- Rolling Stone: THE GRATEFUL DEAD REUNION TOUR

He spoke with the wisdom that can only come from experience, like a guy who went blind because he looked at a solar eclipse without one of those boxes with a pinhole in it and now goes around the country speaking at high schools about the dangers of looking at a solar eclipse without one of those boxes with a pinhole in it.

She caught your eye like one of those pointy hook latches that used to dangle from screen doors and would fly up whenever you banged the door open again.

The little boat gently drifted across the pond exactly the way a bowling ball wouldn't.

McBride fell 12 stories, hitting the pavement like a Hefty Bag filled with vegetable soup.

VERBS:

- to schmooze = befriend scum

- to pitch = grovel shamelessly

- to brainstorm = feign preparedness

- to research = procrastinate indefinitely

- to network = spread disinformation

- to collaborate = argue incessantly

- to freelance = collect unemployment

NOUNS:

- agent = frustrated lawyer

When driving through fog what should you use?
→ Your car!

Waiter to customer:

- Our specialty is snails.

- I know. One of them served me the last time I was here!

Never slap a man who chews tobacco.

There are many many more asses in the world than donkeys.

Wooden legs are not hereditary, wooden heads are.

Free cheese is always in a mouse trap.

An ugly carpet will last forever.

- Doctor, Doctor. Have you got anything that will cure fleas?

- Maybe, what made them sick?