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For those of you who don't already know, these are the rules that are in effect in every relationship.

1. The female always makes the rules.
2. These rules are subject to change at any time without prior notification.
3. No male can possibly know all the rules.
4. If the female suspects that the male knows all the rules, she must immediately change some or all of the rules.
5. The female is never wrong.
6. If the female is wrong, it is because of a vagrant misunderstanding which was a direct result of something the male said or did wrong.
7. If rule number 6 applies, the male must immediately apologize for causing the misunderstanding.
8. The female can change her mind at any given point in time.

It was a boring Sunday afternoon in the jungle so the Elephants decided to challenge the Ants to a game of soccer.

The game was going well with the Elephants beating the Ants ten goals to nil, when the Ants gained possession. The Ants' star player was dribbling the ball towards the Elephants' goal when the Elephants' left back came lumbering towards him. The elephant trod on the little ant, killing him instantly. The referee stopped the game.

- What the hell do you think you're doing? Do you call that sportsmanship, killing another player?

The elephant replied:

- Well, I didn't mean to kill him -- I was just trying to trip him up.

Many a relationship could be thrown a curve ball if women always told the truth in bed. Imagine the revelation...

- She: Get off of me, will ya!!

- He: Whatsa matter, am I hurting you?

- She: No, you're not hurting me, you're annoying me. You think you could hurt me with THAT?!?

This couple has been dating for about four months, but the guy had been afraid of making any sexual advances because of his tiny organ.

Finally, he gets up his courage and takes her to a secluded spot in his car. While they are kissing, he opens his zipper and guides her hand onto his penis.

- No thanks - the girl says.

- You know I don't smoke.

- So you think you could end all unemployment, do you? - asked the interviewer.

- And how, if I may be so bold to inquire?

- Why, I'd put all the men on one island and all the women on another - replied Paddy.

- And what would they be doing then?

- Building boats!

A Polak is hired to paint the lines on the road.

On the first day he paints ten miles, and his employers are amazed. But, the second day he painted just five, and on only the third day, he painted only a mile of the road.

Disappointed his boss asks what the problem was.

The Polak replies:

- Well sir, every day I have to walk farther and farther to get back to the paint bucket.

There are three construction workers on top of a building having lunch. One Italian, one Polak, and one Oriental.

The Italian has a meatball hero, the Oriental has noodles, and the Polak has knockwurst. The Italian and the Oriental are tired of having the same lunches everyday. The Italian says that if he gets a meatball hero the next day that he will throw it off the building. The Oriental says that if he gets noodles tommorow he will also throw it off the building. The Polak says that if he gets knockwurst tommorow he will throw it off the building.

Sure enough the Italian and Oriental workers open their lunch-boxes and they find that they have a meatball hero and noodles respectively. They…

My girlfriend and I were in a restaurant and this strikingly attractive woman in a short black dress walked by.

My eyes couldn't help but follow her as she passed by our table.

The girlfriend glared at me and snapped:

- So, do you want to date her??

To which I stuttered:

- Ummmm...1968, perhaps?

Reasons Dates Have Given For Standing Someone Up:

- I showed up early and decided I just didn't feel like going out after all, so I went home before you arrived.

- My dog died.

- My neighbor's bird died, and I had to console my neighbor.

- I figured that probably wasn't your real picture, so I didn't bother coming over.

- I overslept.

- I took the wrong freeway exit and got lost, and after 40 minutes, I gave up, turned around, and went home.

- I know I said I'd be at home at 8:00 P.M., but I went out to a movie at 6:00 P.M. and had such a good time out after meeting some friends at the movie that I forgot all about our date and went out to dinner with them.

What do you get when you cross a 1-legged Polak with a Mongoloid?
→ A Polaroid One-Step.

Did you hear about the Polak who studied for 5 days?
→ He was scheduled to take a urine test.

Girl Lingo:

- The Franklin Factor: Early to bed and early to rise means it's time to meet more guys.

- The Rat Race: If there's one rat in a room full of nice men, he'll hit on you first.

- The Eyeglass Prescription: Don't wear your glasses on a blind date. You'll look better, and he will too.

- The Ring Rule: A watched telephone never rings.

- The Creep Call: Never pick up the phone on Saturday night. It's a call from a creep you told you were busy.

- The Fishing Forecast: They say there are lots of good fish in the sea. But who wants to go out with a fish?

- The Psychological Prognosis: Love is a form of temporary insanity curable by marriage.

A guy noticed that his buddy was troubled and asked what was wrong.

- Ohhh, it's my girlfriend.

- Oh yeah? What's the problem?

"When I asked her if she could learn to love me," he said, "she asked me how much I was willing to spend on her education."

Two girls are having coffee when one notices that the other girl seems troubled and asks her:

- Is something bugging you? You look anxious.

- Well, my boyfriend just lost all his money and life savings in the stock market - she explained.

- Oh, that's too bad - the other girl sympathized.

- I'm sure you're feeling sorry for him.

- Yeah, I am - she said.

- He'll miss me.

Things Not To Do While Waiting For Your Date At Her Parents' House

10. Sniff the air and say it smells like a bordello.
11. Repeatedly zip and unzip your fly.
12. Go into a lengthy story about how you had Mexican food last night and ask if you can use the bathroom.
13. Mention that 'Mr Happy' is primed and ready.
14. Ask what time you should return your date tomorrow morning.
15. Recite a couple of bawdy limericks.
16. Ask the mom and dad what position they were in when they conceived their daughter.
17. Scratch your crotch and say your herpes is acting up again.
18. Pretend to eat your arm.

Top Ten Ways A Computer Nerd Can Impress His Date

10. Flash the big wads of tens and twenties you created with your color laser printer and top-notch graphics program.
11. Spend an evening playing floppy disks backward, listening for the secret messages about Satan.
12. Invite her back to your place to show her the etchings on your Newton MessagePad.
13. Let the lady go first when you reach the virtual reality escalator.
14. Serenade her with your MIDI-compatible drum pads.
15. Have your dinner illuminated by the soft glow of an active-matrix LCD panel.
16. If you're getting serious, consider a set of "his 'n' her" system unit keys.
17. Drive her crazy by murmuring tender love words with the help of a…

From Late Show with David Letterman - Friday, November 11, 1994

Top Ten Signs You're On A Bad Date

10. When you agreed to go out with him he was governor, and now he's just some guy who works in a car wash.
11. Every few minutes, his face falls into his eggs.
12. She asks you to hold her clothes while she mambos with a guy named Pedro.
13. Her Wonderbra's on backwards.
14. Just as everything's starting to go great, you're both asked to return to your cells.
15. It's costing you $3.00 a minute.
16. You order a double Whopper and he says, "My name ain't Rockefeller, honey."
17. Waiter taking your order asks, "And what can I get for your sorry-ass date?"

A 12-year-old boy comes up to the Polak and says:

- I was looking in your bedroom window last night and I saw your wife giving you a blow job. Nyah, nyah, nyah.

The Polak answers:

- The joke's on you, Johnny. Nyah, nyah, nyah--I wasn't even home last night!

Mirrors are female because none of their reflections are really their own.

Stamps are female because men like to lick them, stick them, and then send them away.

Windows are male because they're a pane, and because you can see through them.

Shit is male because the older it gets, the easier it is to pick up.

An American is walking down the street when he sees a Polak with a very long pole and a yardstick. He's standing the pole on its end and trying to reach the top of it with his yardstick.

Seeing the Polak's ignorance, the American wrenches the pole out of his hand, lays it on the sidewalk, measures it with the yardstick, and says:

- There! 10 feet long.

The Polak grabs the yardstick and shouts:

- You idiot American! I don't care how long it is! I want to know how high it is!

New Polish navy has glass bottom boats, to see to the old Polish navy.

What happened to the Polish National Library?
→ Someone stole the book.

Why don't polish women use vibrators?
→ It chips their teeth.

How do you sink a polish battleship?
→ Put it in water!

How do you ruin a Polish party?
→ Flush the punch bowl.