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A blonde went to the appliance store sale and found a bargain.

- I would like to buy this TV, - she told the salesman.

- Sorry, we don't sell to blondes, - he replied.

She hurried home and dyed her hair, then came back and again told the salesman:

- I would like to buy this TV.

- Sorry, we don't sell to blondes, - he replied.

- Darn, he recognized me, - she thought. She went for a complete disguise this time, haircut and new color, new outfit, big sunglasses, then waited a few days before she again approached the salesman.

- I would like to buy this TV.

- Sorry, we don't sell to blondes, - he replied.

Frustrated, she exclaimed:

A guy in a bar stands up and says:

- All lawyers are assholes.

Another guy stands up and says:

- Hey... I resent that...

The first guy says:

- Why? Are you a lawyer?

The second guy says:

- No. I'm an asshole.

A guy goes into a bar and seats himself next to a hot looking woman. After a few drinks he musters the courage to talk to her. After a few more drinks and a little conversation he leans over to the woman and asks:

- Can I smell your Pussy?

The woman is outraged and answers with a stern:

- Of course not!

The drunk man replies.......

- Oh, then it must be your feet.

A man, whose level of drunkenness was bordering on the absurd, stood up to leave a bar and fell flat on his face. "Maybe all I need is some fresh air," thought the man as he crawled outside. He tried to stand up again, but fell face first into the mud. "Screw it," he thought. "I'll just crawl home."

The next morning, his wife found him on the doorstep asleep.

- You went out drinking last night, didn't you?

- Uh, yes, he said sheepishly. How did you know?

- You left your wheelchair at the bar again.

A guy comes into a bar and asks the barman for twelve-year-old scotch. The barman thinks "This guy is pretty pretentious" and proceeds to pour him a drink of six-year-old scotch. He gives it to the customer who takes a drink, exclaiming:

- This isn't twelve-year-old scotch, this is six-year-old scotch

The barman thinks, hey this guy knows what he's talking about, and the two of them get into a conversation about where the customer is from etc.. At one point an old guy, who was sitting at the other end of the bar comes over with a glass and hands it to the customer. The latter takes a drink, and spits it out.

- This is piss! - he yells.

The old guy nods and says:

- Yeah, but how old am I?

A man stumbles up to the only other patron in a bar and asks if he could buy him a drink. Why of course, comes the reply. The first man then asks: Where are you from? I'm from Ireland, replies the second man. The first man responds: You don't say, I'm from Ireland too! Let's have another round to Ireland. Of Course, replies the second man. Curious, the first man then asks: Where in Ireland are you from? Dublin, comes the reply. I can't believe it, says the first man. I'm from Dublin too! Let's have another drink to Dublin. Of course, replies the second man. Curiosity again strikes and the first man asks: What school did you go to? Saint Mary's, replies the second man. I graduated in 62…

A man walked into a bar, sat down, ordered 3 shots of whiskey, drank them, then left. This continued daily for several weeks. Curious, the bartender asked him one day:

- Why do you always order three shots of whiskey?

The man answered:

- Because my two brothers and I always used to have one shot each, and since they've both passed on, I've continued to order the three shots in their honor.

The bartender thought that this was a very noble thing to do, and welcomed the man every time he visited the bar.

Two weeks later, the man walked into the bar for his daily visit and ordered two shots of whiskey. Surprised, the bartender asked him why he only ordered two when had had always been ordering three.

I have got a drinking problem.... I've got two hands, but only one mouth...

A rather attractive woman goes up to the bar in a quiet rural pub. She gestures alluringly to the bartender who comes over immediately. When he arrives, she seductively signals that he should bring his face close to hers. When he does so, she begins to gently caress his beard which is full and bushy.

- Are you the manager? - she asked, softly stroking his face with both hands.

- Actually, no, - he replied.

- Can you get him for me? I need to speak to him, - she said, running her hands up beyond his beard and into his hair.

- I'm afraid I can't, - breathes the bartender, clearly in trouble.

- Is there anything I can do?

- Yes there is. I need you to give him a message, - she continues huskily…

A nun, a priest, an Irishman, a Jew, a Scotsman, a rabbi and a blonde walk into a bar. The bartender looks at them and asks, "Is this some kind of joke?"

There was this guy at a bar, just looking at his drink. He stays like that for half of an hour. Then, this big trouble-making truck driver steps next to him, takes the drink from the guy, and just drinks it all down. The poor man starts crying.

The truck driver says:

- Come on man, I was just joking. Here, I'll buy you another drink. I just can't stand to see a man cry.

- No, it's not that. This day is the worst of my life. First, I fall asleep, and I go late to my office. My boss, outrageous, fires me. When I leave the building, to my car, I found out it was stolen. The police said that they can do nothing. I get a cab to return home, and when I leave it, I remember I left my wallet and…

A man walks into a bar and asks for six shots of vodka.

- Six shots? What's wrong? - asks the bartender.

- I found out my older brother is gay.

The next night, he walked into the bar again and asked for six shots of vodka.

- What now?

- I found out my younger brother is gay.

The night after that, the man walked into the bar again and asked for six shots of vodka.

- Geez, does ANYBODY in your family like women?

- Yeah, my wife does.

A very shy guy goes into a bar and sees a beautiful woman sitting at the bar. After an hour of gathering up his courage he finally goes over to her and asks, tentatively:

- Um, would you mind if I chatted with you for a while?

To which she responds by yelling, at the top of her lungs:

- No, I won't sleep with you tonight!

Everyone in the bar is now staring at them. Naturally, the guy is hopelessly and completely embarrassed and he slinks back to his table. After a few minutes, the woman walks over to him and apologizes. She smiles at him and says:

- I'm sorry if I embarrassed you. You see, I'm a graduate student in psychology and I'm studying how people respond to embarrassing situations.

A man was sitting at the bar in a watering hole whose selling point was that it was on top of the largest skyscraper in town. Another man walks in and asks the bartender for a Jack Daniel's. He downs it, and then takes a running leap out the window. Much to everybody's surprise, he floats back up and climbs through the window back into the bar. The man at the bar is amazed and asks the man how he did it.

- Easy, - says the man.

- Outside this window are some very strong wind currents which can carry you back to the window.

- Wow, - says the man at the bar.

- I gotta try this.

He takes a running leap out the window and falls to a horrible, bloody, and flat death.

The boss at the pub went up to the bartender and asked:

- Have you been fooling around with the waitress?!

- Oh no, sir, I sure haven't, - replied the bartender.

The boss replied:

- Good, in that case then, YOU fire her!

A guy is sitting at a bar, throwing back glass after glass of scotch. The bartender, a little worried, asks him if he's okay.

- No, I'm not. I just caught my wife in bed with my best friend.

- Well, what did you say to your wife?

- Nothing. I'm not speaking to that bitch anymore.

- Well, what did you say to your best friend?

- BAD DOG! BAD DOG!

Charles Dickens walks into a bar and orders a martini. The bartender asks, "Olive or twist?"

A drunk walks into a bar and says:

- Bartender, buy everyone in the house a drink, pour yourself one, and give me the bill.

So, the bartender does just that, and hands the man the bill. The drunk says:

- I haven't got it.

The bartender slaps the guy around a few times then throws him out into the street.

The very next day, the same drunk walks into the bar and once again says:

- Bartender, buy everyone in the house a drink, pour yourself one, and give me the bill.

The bartender figures that he can't possibly be stupid enough to pull the same trick twice, so he gives him the benefit of the doubt. He pours a round of drinks for the house, has a drink himself, and hands the drunk the bill. Again, the…

Two men are sitting next to each other in an Irish-style pub in New York City. They both order pints of Guinness. One of them turns to the other and says:

- So where are you from, then?

- I'm from Ireland.

- Me too! I'll drink to that.

They both finish their pints and order two more.

- Where in Ireland are you from?

- Dublin.

- Me too! I'll drink to that.

They both finish their pints and order two more.

- Where in Dublin are you from?

A rather confident man walks into a bar and takes a seat next to a very attractive woman. He gives her a quick glance, then casually looks at his watch for a moment. The woman notices this and asks:

- Is your date running late?

- No, - he replies.

- I just bought this state-of-the-art watch and I was just testing it.

The intrigued woman says:

- A state-of-the-art watch? What's so special about it?

- It uses alpha waves to telepathically talk to me, - he explains.

- What's it telling you now? - she asked.

- Well, it says you're not wearing any panties. - he said.

The woman giggles and replies:

A drunk walked into a bar crying. One of the other men in the bar asked him what happened.

- I did a terrible thing - sniffed the drunk. Just a few hours ago I sold my wife to someone for a bottle of Southern Comfort.

- That is awful. And now that she is gone you want her back, right?

- Right! - said the drunk, still crying.

- You're sorry you sold her because you realised, too late, that you still loved her, right?

- Oh, no. I want her back because I'm thirsty again!

A man walks into a bar one night. He goes up to the bar and asks for a beer.

- Certainly, sir, that'll be 1 cent.

- One penny?!

The barman replied:

- Yes.

So, the guy glances over at the menu, and he asks:

- Could I have a nice juicy T-bone steak, with fries, peas, and a salad?

- Certainly sir, but all that comes to real money.

- How much money?

- Four cents.

A man in a bar sees a friend at a table, drinking by himself. Approaching the friend he comments:

- You look terrible. What's the problem?

- My mother died in June, and left me $10,000.

- Gee, that's tough.

- Then in July, my father died, leaving me $50,000.

- Wow. Two parents gone in two months. No wonder you're depressed.

- And last month my aunt died, and left me $15,000.

- Three close family members lost in three months? How sad.

- Then this month, nothing!

A drunk that smelled like a brewery got on a bus one day. He sat down next to a priest. The drunk's shirt was stained, his face was full of bright red lipstick and he had a half-empty bottle of wine sticking out of his pocket. He opened his newspaper and started reading. A couple minutes later, he asked the priest:

- Father, what causes arthritis?

- It's caused by loose living, being with cheap, wicked women, too much alcohol, and contempt for your fellow man, - the priest replied.

- Imagine that - the drunk muttered.

He returned to reading his paper.

The priest, thinking about what he had said, turned to the man and apologized:

- I'm sorry, I didn't mean to come on so strong. How long have you…

What is the difference between an Irish wedding and an Irish funeral?
→ One less drunk.