Latest

A mother and baby camel are talking one day when the baby camel asks:

- Mom why have I got these huge three toed feet?

The mother replies:

- Well son, when we trek across the desert your toes will help you to stay on top of the soft sand.

- OK - said the son.

A few minutes later the son asks:

- Mom, why have I got these great long eyelashes?

- They are there to keep the sand out of your eyes on the trips through the desert.

- Thanks Mom - replies the son.

After a short while, the son returns and asks:

An old farmer went to town to see a movie. The ticket girl said:

- Sir, what is that on your shoulder?

The old farmer said:

- That is my pet rooster, Chuckie. Wherever I go, Chuckie goes.

- I'm sorry, Sir - said the ticket girl:

- We can't allow animals in the theater. Not even a pet chicken.

The old farmer went around the corner and stuffed the chicken down his pants. He returned to the booth, bought a ticket and entered the theater. He sat down next to two old emergency room nurses named Mildred and Marge. The movie started and the chicken began to squirm. The old farmer un-zipped his pants so Chuckie could stick his head out and watch the movie.

- Marge - whispered Mildred.

- What? - said Marge.

A butcher is working, and really busy. He notices a dog in his shop and shoos him away. Later, he notices the dog is back again. He walks over to the dog, and notices the dog has a note in his mouth. The butcher takes the note, and it reads:

- Can I have 12 sausages and a leg of lamb, please.

The butcher looks, and lo and behold, in the dog's mouth, there is a ten dollar bill. So the butcher takes the money, puts the sausages and lamb in a bag, and places it in the dog's mouth.

The butcher is very impressed, and since it's closing time, he decides to close up shop and follow the dog. So, off he goes. The dog is walking down the street and comes to a crossing. The dog puts down the bag, jumps…

An accountant is having a hard time sleeping and goes to see his doctor.

- Doctor, I just can't get to sleep at night.

- Have you tried counting sheep?

- That's the problem - I make a mistake and then spend three hours trying to find it.

A man, Bob, and his friend Joe went out hunting. This was Joe's first time ever hunting, so he was following Bob's lead. Bob saw a small herd of deer and told Joe to stay in the exact spot he was and to be quiet! After a few minutes, Bob heard a loud scream. He ran back and asked Joe what had happened.

Joe said:

- There was this snake and he slittered across my feet, but I never screamed. Then there was this bear that came up to me and snarled, but I never screamed.

- So then what did make you scream - Bob asked, exasperated.

- Well - Joe continued:

- two squirells crawled up my pants and I overheard them say, 'Should we take them home or eat 'em now?'

A lady approaches her priest and tells him:

- Father, I have a problem. I have two female talking parrots, but they only know how to say one thing.

- What do they say? - the priest inquired.

- They only know how to say, 'Hi, we're prostitutes. Want to have some fun?'

- That's terrible! - the priest exclaimed:

- but I have a solution to your problem. Bring your two female parrots over to my house and I will put them with my two male talking parrots whom I taught to pray and read the bible. My parrots will teach your parrots to stop saying that terrible phrase and your female parrots will learn to praise and worship.

- Thank you! - the woman responded.

Two men are approaching each other on a sidewalk. Both are dragging their right foot as they walk. As they meet, one man looks at the other knowingly, points to his foot and says:

- Vietnam, 1969.

The other points his thumb behind him and says:

- Dog crap, 20 feet back.

Three women die in a car accident and go to Heaven. Saint Peter meets them at the Gates and welcomes them saying:

- You can do as you please in Heaven, just don't step on any ducks.

The women are puzzled but proceed into Heaven. Looking around, they notice there are ducks everywhere. In a matter of minutes, one of the women steps on a duck. Saint Peter walks up to the woman with a hideously ugly man. Saint Peter shackles the man and the woman together and says:

- For stepping on a duck, you have to spend eternity chained to this ugly man.

The other two women are shocked but go about their business until, sure enough, another woman steps on a duck. Immediately Saint Peter comes and shackles her…

What did the elephant say to the naked man?
→ "It's nice, but can it pick up peanuts?"

It was spring in the old west. The cowboys rode the still snow choked trails looking for cattle that survived the winter. As one cowboy's horse went around the narrow trail, it came upon a rattlesnake warming itself in the spring sunshine. The horse reared and the cowboy drew his six-gun to shoot the snake.

"Hold on there, partner," said the snake, "don't shoot- I'm an enchanted rattlesnake, and if you don't shoot me, I'll give you any three wishes you want."

The cowboy decided to take a chance. He knew he was safely out of the snake's striking range. He said:

- OK, first, I'd like to have a face like Clark Gable, then, I'd like a build like Arnold Schwarzenegger, and finally, I'd like sexual…

One day, farmer Jones was in town picking up supplies for his farm. He stopped by the hardware store and picked up a bucket and an anvil, then stopped by the livestock dealer to buy a couple of chickens and a goose. Now he had a problem: how to carry all of his purchases home. The livestock dealer said:

- Why don't you put the anvil in the bucket, carry the bucket in one hand, put a chicken under each arm and carry the goose in your other hand?

- Hey, thanks! - the farmer said, and off he went.

While walking he met a fair young lady with rather large beautiful breasts. She told him she was lost, and asked:

- Can you tell me how to get to 1515 Mockingbird Lane?

The farmer said:

What did one flea say to the other flea?
→ Shall we walk or take a dog?

Deep within a forest a little turtle began to climb a tree. After hours of effort he reached the top, jumped into the air waving his front legs and crashed to the ground. After recovering, he slowly climbed the tree again, jumped, and fell to the ground. The turtle tried again and again while a couple of birds sitting on a branch watched his sad efforts.

Finally, the female bird turned to her mate. "Dear," she chirped, "I think it's time to tell him he's adopted."

A bloke walks into a pub with a frog on his head. The bar attendant asks:

- What's that on your head?

The frog says:

- I don't know, it started out as a wart on my bum!

Mike and Bill, are hanging out in the lone bar in a one-horse town in northern Idaho, when a local rancher walks in carrying a wolf pelt.

- Good work! - says the bartender.

He pops the cash register open, pulls out a wad of bills, and counts them out into the rancher's outstretched hand. After the rancher leaves, Mike asks the bartender:

- What was that all about?

The barkeep says:

- Haven't you boys heard? We got us a real wolf problem in these parts, and the county ain't done a thing about it. Why, just last week, a pack of the damn varmints came onto my property and laid waste t'my chicken coop. Ol' Man Miller down the road even lost four of his cattle to the bloodthirsty beasts! They're…

It's a beautiful, warm spring morning and a man and his wife are spending the day at the zoo. She's wearing a cute, loose-fitting, pink spring dress, sleeveless with straps. He's wearing his normal jeans and a T-shirt. The zoo is not very busy this morning. As they walk through the ape exhibit, they pass in front of a very large hairy gorilla.

Noticing the girl, the gorilla goes ape. (No pun intended) He jumps up on the bars, and holding on with one hand (and 2 feet), he grunts and pounds his chest with his free hand. He is obviously excited at the pretty lady in the wavy dress. The husband, noticing the excitement, thinks this is funny. He suggests that his wife teases the poor fellow some…

Just after the maid had been fired, she took five bucks from her purse and threw it to Fido, the family dog. When asked why by her former employer, she answered, "I never forget a friend. This was for helping me clean the dishes all the time!"

This little boy is visiting the zoo with his father. They stop to have a look at an elephant and the kid just stares at it in fascination. Eventually he asks his father:

- Dad, what's that thing hanging down?

- That's the elephant's trunk - replies his father.

"No, I mean at the other end."

"Oh, that's the elephant's penis."

"That's funny," mused the little boy, "Last time we were here, Mum told me it was nothing."

"Well," said the smiling father, "You have to remember that your mother is a very spoilt woman."

An idiot decided to start a chicken farm so he bought a hundred chickens to begin with. A month later he returned to the dealer for another hundred chickens because all of the first lot had died. A month later he was back at the dealer for another hundred chickens for the second lot had also died.

"But I think I know where I'm going wrong," said the idiot, "I think I'm planting them too deep."

There once was this bar with a sign in its window. It read, anyone who can make my horse laugh will have all the drinks they want on the house. So this guy walks in and asks if he can give it a try. The bartender says sure. The cowboy walks out there and whispers something in the horse's ear. The horse starts laughing hysterically. The guy walks in and the bartender gives him the drinks.

The next night the same guy and the same thing happens. The third night the sign is changed to making the horse cry. The guy goes outside and a few minutes later he comes back in and the horse is crying.

The bartender says:

- O.K. you can have your drinks but first tell me what you did to make my horse laugh.

A man on a business trip in Mexico decides to take in a bull fight. After the event, he stops in to the little dive next to the venue called "The Matador". As he checks out the menu trying to decide what he wants he sees a waiter bring a dish to another customer. The dish is spaghetti with these two huge meat balls. When the waiter comes to his table, he inquires.

"That is the Matador Special," replies the waiter. "Spaghetti and Bull testicles. We get them after the bull fight. It is exquisite!"

- That's what I'll have! - says the businessman.

"I'm very sorry senor, but that dish is only available once per day".

Disappointed, the man orders another dish and plans to try again the next day. So…

Once upon a time, there was a cat who died. When she got to heaven, God asked her how she liked being on earth. She told the Lord that it was awful -- she had to sleep in cold back alleys, where there was no food and life was hard. God told her that he was sorry it had had turned out that way -- but here, in heaven, she would be happy and He would give her the most comfortable, warm pillow to sleep on. The cat laid down upon the pillow and was happy.

A few days later, about a dozen mice that came to heaven together and God asked them how they had liked earth. The earth was no better for them than it was the cat. They explained to God that it was tough and exhausting and their feet were worn…

Kenny, a city boy, moved to the country and purchased a donkey from an old farmer for $100. The farmer agreed to deliver the donkey the following day.

The next morning, the farmer drove up and said, "Sorry, son, but I have some bad news. The donkey died."

- Well, just return my money to me - Kenny said.

"Sorry, can't do that," said the farmer. "I already spent it."

- OK then, just unload the donkey - said Kenny.

- Whatcha gonna do with him? - asked the farmer.

- I'm going to raffle him off - Kenny replied.

- You can't raffle off a dead donkey! - the farmer exclaimed.

"Of course I can," replied Kenny. "Watch me. I just won't tell anybody he is dead."

An avid duck hunter was in the market for a new bird dog. His search ended when he found a dog that could actually walk on water to retrieve a duck. Shocked by his find, he was sure none of his friends would ever believe him. He decided to try to break the news to a friend of his, a pessimist by nature, and invited him to hunt with him and his new dog.

As they waited by the shore, a flock of ducks flew by. They fired, and a duck fell. The dog responded and jumped into the water. The dog, however, did not sink but instead walked across the water to retrieve the bird, never getting more than his paws wet. The friend saw everything but did not say a single word.

A blind man was standing on the corner with his dog when the dog raised his leg and wet on the man's trouser leg. The man reached in his pocket and took out a doggie biscuit, which he fed to the dog. A busy body who had been watching ran up to him and said:

- You shouldn't do that. He'll never learn anything if you reward him when he does something like that!

The blind man retorted:

- I'm not rewarding him. I'm just trying to find which end is his mouth so that I can kick him in the ass.