A cop saw a young blonde woman down on her knees under a streetlight.
- Can I help you? - he asked.
- I dropped my diamond ring and I'm looking for it - replied the woman.
- Did you drop it right here?
- No - responded the blonde - I dropped it about a block away, but the light's better here.
A blonde ran into the hospital screaming. A doctor came running to her aid. To his surprise her ears were badly burnt and red.
- What happened? - he asked.
- I was ironing my shirt and the phone rang, thinking the iron was the phone I put it to my ear - she replied.
- Oh no, but what happened to your other ear?
She frowned and replied:
- The jerk rang back!
A small company recently hired a new blonde secretary who certainly wasn't the sharpest knife in the drawer. One day while she was typing, she turned to another secretary and said:
- What do I do now? I'm almost out of typing paper.
- Just use the copier machine paper - replied the other secretary.
With that, the blonde took her last remaining blank sheet of typing paper, placed it on the photocopier and proceeded to make ten blank copies.
A client of a hospital where they made brain transplantations asked about the prices. The doctor said:
- Well, this Ph.D. brain costs $10,000. This brain belonged to a NASA top scientist and costs $15,000. Here we have a blonde's brain as well. It costs $50,000.
The client asked:
- What? How's that possible?
The doctor replied:
- You see, it's totally unused.
There was this bartender and he was working at the bar one night. In walked a group of blondes and they were chanting "44 days! 44 days!" One of the blondes was carrying a picture puzzle of Cookie Monster in a frame. The bartender leaned towards the blonde holding the puzzle and asked:
- Why are you chanting 44 days?
She set down the puzzle on the counter and said:
- A lot of people think us blondes are dumb, so to show them, we bought this puzzle and put it together. It said 1-3 months but we completed it in 44 days!
A blonde reports for his University's final examination that consists of Y/N type questions. He takes his seat in the examination hall, stares at the question paper for five minutes, and then in a fit of inspiration takes his wallet out, removes a coin and starts tossing the coin and marking the answer sheet, Y for Heads and N for Tails. Within half an hour he is all done whereas the rest of the class is sweating it out. During the last few minutes, he is seen desperately throwing the coin, swearing and sweating. The moderator, alarmed, approaches him and asks what is going on.
"I finished the exam in half an hour. But," he says, "I'm not going to finish rechecking my answers!"
On a plane bound for New York the flight attendant approached a blonde sitting in the first class section and requested that she move to economy since she did not have a first class ticket. The blonde replied:
- I'm blonde, I'm beautiful, I'm going to New York and I'm not moving.
Not wanting to argue with a customer the flight attendant asked the co-pilot to speak with her. He went to talk with the woman asking her to please move out of the first class section. Again, the blonde replied:
- I'm blonde, I'm beautiful, I'm going to New York and I'm not moving.
The co-pilot returned to the cockpit and asked the captain what to do about her. The captain said:
A blonde decides to try horseback riding, even though she has had no lessons or prior experience. She mounts the horse unassisted and the horse immediately springs into motion. It gallops along at a steady and rhythmic pace, but the blonde begins to slip from the saddle. In terror, she grabs for the horse's mane, but cannot seem to get a firm grip. She tries to throw her arms around the horse's neck, but she slides down the side of the horse anyway. The horse gallops along, seemingly impervious to its slipping rider. Finally, giving up her frail grip, she leaps away from the horse to try and throw herself to safety. Unfortunately, her foot has become entangled in the stirrup and she is now…
A blonde phoned police to report that thieves had been in her car. "They've stolen the dashboard, the steering wheel, the brake pedal, even the accelerator," she cried out. However, before the police investigation could start, the phone rang a second time and the same voice came over the line. "Never mind, I got in the back seat by mistake."
A blonde, wanting to earn some money, decided to hire herself out as a handyman-type and started canvassing a wealthy neighborhood. She went to the front door of the first house and asked the owner if he had any jobs for her to do.
- Well, you can paint my porch. How much will you charge?
The blonde said:
- How about 50 dollars?
The man agreed and told her that the paint and ladders that she might need were in the garage. The man's wife, inside the house, heard the conversation and said to her husband:
- Does she realize that the porch goes all the way around the house?
The man replied:
- She should. She was standing on the porch.
A short time later, the blonde came to the door to collect her money.
One blond says to another:
- How did you die?
- I froze to death - says the second.
- That's awful - says the first blonde.
- How does it feel to freeze to death?
- It's very uncomfortable at first - says the second blonde.
- You get the shakes, and you get pains in all your fingers and toes. But eventually, it's a very calm way to go. You get numb and you kind of drift off, as if you're sleeping. How about you, how did you die?
- I had a heart attack - says the first blonde.
- You see I knew my husband was cheating on me, so one day I showed up at home unexpectedly. I ran up to the bedroom, and found him alone watching TV. I ran to the basement, but no one was hiding there either. I ran to the…
A blonde was down on her luck. In order to raise some money, she decided to kidnap a kid and hold him for ransom. She went to the playground, grabbed a kid, took him behind a tree, and told him:
- I've kidnapped you.
She then wrote a note saying:
- I've kidnapped your kid. Tomorrow morning, put $10,000 in a paper bag and put it under the pecan tree next to the slide on the north side of the playground. Signed, A Blonde.
The blonde pinned the note to the kid's shirt and sent him home to show it to his parents.
The next morning the blonde checked, and sure enough, a paper bag was sitting beneath the pecan tree. The blonde opened up the bag and found the $10,000 with a note that said:
A blonde travels to Canada to seek her fortune as a lumberjack. She meets a foreman of a logging organization who offers to give her a job. - Now, I hope you realize we expect you to cut down at least 100 trees a day - the foreman told her. The blonde woman didn't see this as a problem, so she went out with the Chainsaw and did her best. She came back drenched in sweat.
- Geez lady, how many trees did you cut down? - asked the foreman.
- 6 - she replied.
- What!? You have to do better than that. Get up earlier tomorrow!
So she did. Out she went with the chainsaw, she came back that night exhausted.
- How many this time? - asked the foreman.
- 12 - she said.
The foreman says:
Airport Security alerted an airline crew to keep an eye a blonde passenger who appeared excessively nervous and shifty-eyed. Soon after takeoff, the blonde man called a stewardess to his seat and said:
- I have a live grenade in my pocket. I'll blow up the plane if you do not divert to Cairo.
Perplexed, the stewardess said:
- But, sir. This is TWA flight 1219 to Cairo.
- Damn! - replied the blonde passenger, I got on the wrong plane.
A blonde has just gotten a new sports car. She cuts out in front of a semi, and almost causes it to drive over a cliff. The driver furiously motions for her to pull over, and she does. The driver gets out and draws a circle and tells her to stand in it. Then he gets out his knife and cuts up her leather seats. He turns around and sees she's smiling. So he goes to his truck, takes out a baseball bat, and starts busting her windows and beating her car. He looks back to see that she's laughing. He's really mad now, so he takes his knife and slices her tires. He turns around and she's laughing so hard, she's about to fall down.
He demands:
- What's so funny?
She says:
How do you know when a blonde's been sending e-mail?
→ Envelopes in the disk drive.
A blonde is walking down the street with her blouse open and her right breast hanging out. A policeman approaches her and says:
- Ma'am, are you aware that I could cite you for indecent exposure?
She says:
- Why, officer?
- Because your breast is hanging out.
She looks down and says:
- OH MY GOODNESS! I left the baby on the bus again!
A blonde walks into a restaurant to get some lunch, and while she's deciding on what she wants a waitress comes up. The blonde looks up and notices the waitress's name tag on her shirt. "Gee, that's nice. What did you name the other one?"
There was a blonde, a red head, and a brunette and they were all up in space. Each girl tried thinking up ways to be better then the other two...
The red head said:
- I am going to be the first woman to land on mars.
The brunette said:
- I can beat that, I'll be the first woman to land on saturn.
The blonde said:
- I'll beat both of you, I'll be the first woman to land on the sun.
- How are you going to do that - the other two asked.
- Simple - said the blonde.
- I'll go at night!
A depressed young blonde was so desperate that she decided to end her life by throwing herself into the ocean. When she went down to the docks, a handsome young sailor noticed her tears, took pity on her, and said:
- Look, you've got a lot to live for. I'm off to Europe in the morning, and if you like, I can stow you away on my ship. I'll take good care of you and bring you food every day.
Moving closer, he slipped his arm around her shoulder and added:
- I'll keep you happy, and you'll keep me happy.
The girl nodded 'yes.' After all, what did she have to lose? That night, the sailor brought her aboard and hid her in a life-boat. From then on, every night he brought her three sandwiches and a…
- Regis: Barbara, you've done very well so far - $500,000 and one lifeline left -- phone a friend. The next question will give you the top prize of One Million dollars if you get it right ... but if you get it wrong you will drop back to $32,000 -- are you ready?
- Barbara: Sure, I'll have a go!
- Regis: Which of the following birds does not build it's own nest? Is it........ A-Robin B-Sparrow C-Cuckoo D-Thrush Remember Barbara its worth 1 Million dollars.
- Barbara: I think I know who it..but I'm not 100%... No, I haven't got a clue. I'd like to phone a friend Regis, just to be sure.
- Regis: Yes, who, Barbara, do you want to phone?
- Barbara: I'll phone my friend Maggie back home in Birmingham.
What do you get when you offer a blonde a penny for his thoughts?
→ Change.
What did the blonde do when he heard that 90% of accidents occur within five miles of home?
→ He moved ten miles away.
A blonde was filling out a job application form. She quickly filled out the columns entitled: Name, Age, Address, etc. Finally, she came to the column: Salary Expected. She wrote, "YES."
Cassie was taking two of her grandsons on their very first train ride from Dayton, Ohio to Washington, DC. A vendor came down the corridor selling Pop Rocks, something neither had ever seen before. Cassie bought each one a bag. The first one eagerly tore open the bag and popped one into his mouth just as the train went into a tunnel. When the train emerged from the tunnel, he looked across to his brother and said:
- I wouldn't eat that if I were you.
- Why not? - replied the curious brother.
- I took one bite and went blind for half a minute.
