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A couple go on holiday to a fishing resort in northern Minnesota. The husband likes to fish at the crack of dawn. The wife likes to read. One morning the husband returns after several hours of fishing and decides to take a nap. Although not familiar with the lake, the wife decides to take the boat out. She motors out a short distance, anchors, and continues to read her book.

Along comes a game warden in his boat. He pulls up alongside the woman and says:

- Good morning Ma'am. What are you doing?

- Reading a book - she replies (thinking it was obvious).

- You're in a restricted fishing area - he informs her.

- I'm sorry officer, but I'm not fishing, I am reading - she replies.

Two friends were playing golf when one pulled out a cigar. He didn't have a lighter, so he asked his friend if he had one.

- I sure do - he replied while he reached into his golf bag and pulled out a 12 inch Bic lighter.

- Wow! - said his friend - Where did you get that monster lighter?

- I got it from my genie.

- You have a genie?

- Yes, right here in my golf bag.

- Could I see him?

He opens his golf bag and out pops a genie. The friend asks the genie:

- Since, I'm a good friend of your master, will you grant me one wish?

- Yes I will - the genie replies.

Due to a mixup on Grammy night, Madonna, Britney Spears and Christina Aguilera are forced to share a private jet in order to arrive in time for the ceremony.

Once up in the air, Madonna pulls out a $1000 bill and says:

- I'm going to throw this $1000 bill out the window and make someone down below very happy.

Not to be outdone, Britney ripped $1000 bill in half and threw it out the window, saying:

- Look, I just made two people really happy.

Not even noticing Britney's stupid move, Christina bragged:

- Look, I'm going to throw 1000 $1 bills and make a lot more people a little happier.

At this point the pilot, who has overheard all this bragging and can't stand it anymore, comes out and says:

A mathematician, an accountant and an economist apply for the same job.

The interviewer calls in the mathematician and asks:

- What do two plus two equal?

The mathematician replies:

- Four.

The interviewer asks:

- Four, exactly?

The mathematician looks at the interviewer incredulously and says:

- Yes, four, exactly.

Then the interviewer calls in the accountant and asks the same question:

SICK DAYS: We will no longer accept a doctor statement as proof of sickness. If you are able to go to the doctor, you are able to come to work.

SURGERY: Operations are now banned. As long as you are an employee here, you need all your organs. You should not consider removing anything. We hired you intact. To have something removed constitutes a breach of your employment contract.

PERSONAL DAYS: Each employee will receive 104 personal days a year. They are called Saturdays and Sundays.

VACATION DAYS: All employees will take their vacations at the same time every year. The vacation days are as follows: Jan. 1, July 4 and Dec. 25.

BEREAVEMENT LEAVE: This is no excuse for missing work. There is…

A reporter goes to Israel to cover the fighting. She is looking for something emotional and positive and of human interest. Something like that guy in Sarajevo who risked his life to play the cello everyday in the town square. In Jerusalem, she heard about an old Jew who had been going to the Wailing Wall to pray, twice a day, every day, for a long, long time. So she went to check it out. She goes to the Wailing Wall and there he is! She watches him pray and after about 45 minutes, when he turns to leave, she approaches him for an interview.

- Rebecca Smith, CNN News. Sir, how long have you been coming to the Wailing Wall and praying?

- For about 50 years.

- What do you pray for?

A passenger in a taxi tapped the driver on the shoulder to ask him something. The driver screamed, lost control of the cab, nearly hit a bus, drove up over the curb and stopped just inches from a large plate glass window. For a few moments everything was silent in the cab, then the driver said:

- Please, don't ever do that again. You scared the daylights out of me.

The passenger, who was also frightened, apologized and said he didn't realize that a tap on the shoulder could frighten him so much, to which the driver replied:

- I'm sorry, it's really not your fault at all. Today is my first day driving a cab, I have been driving a hearse for the last 25 years.

After all of the background checks, interviews, and testing were done there were three finalists for the CIA assasin position - two men and one woman. For the final test, the CIA agents took one of the men to a large metal door and handed him a gun. "We must know that you will follow your instructions, no matter what the circumstances. Inside this room you will find your wife sitting in a chair. You have to kill her."

The first man said:

- You can't be serious. I could never shoot my wife.

The agent replies:

- Then you're not the right man for this job.

The second man was given the same instructions. He took the gun and went into the room. All was quiet for about five minutes. Then the agent…

One night, a father passed by his son's room and heard his son praying:

- God bless Mommy, Daddy, and Grandma. Ta ta, Grandpa.

The father didn't quite know what this meant, but was glad his son was praying. The next morning, they found Grandpa dead on the floor of a heart attack. The father reassured himself that it was just a coincidence, but was still a bit spooked.

The next night, he heard his son praying again:

- God bless Mommy and Daddy. Ta ta, Grandma.

The father was worried, but decided to wait until morning. Sure enough, the next morning Grandma was on the floor, dead of a heart attack. Really scared now, the father decided to wait outside his son's door the next night. And sure enough…

These are actual instruction labels on consumer goods:

On Sears hairdryer: Do not use while sleeping. (Gee, that's the only time I have to work on my hair!)
On a bag of Fritos: You could be a winner! No purchase necessary. Details inside. (The shoplifter special!)
On a bar of Dial soap: Directions: Use like regular soap. (and that would be how?)
On some Swann frozen dinners: Serving suggestion: Defrost. (But it's 'just' a suggestion!)
On Tesco's Tiramisu dessert: (printed on bottom of the box) Do not turn upside down. (Too late! you lose!)
On Marks and Spencer Bread Pudding: Product will be hot after heating. (Are you sure? Let's experiment.)

Two men were boasting to each other about their old army days.

- Why, my outfit was so well drilled - declared one - that when they presented arms all you could hear was slap, slap, click.

- Very good - conceded the other - but when my company presented arms you'd just hear slap, slap, jingle.

- What was the jingle? - asked the first.

- Oh - replied the other offhand - just our medals.

A COLONEL ISSUED THE FOLLOWING DIRECTIVE TO HIS EXECUTIVE OFFICERS:

- Tomorrow evening at approximately 2000 hours Halley's Comet will be visible in this area an event which occurs only every 75 years. Have the men fall out in the battalion area in fatigues, and I will explain this rare phenomenon to them. In case of rain, we will not be able to see anything, so assemble the men in the theater and I will show them films of it.

EXECUTIVE OFFICER TO COMPANY COMMANDER:

- By order of the Colonel, tomorrow at 2000 hours, Halley's Comet will appear above the battalion area. If it rains, fall the men out in fatigues, then march to the theater where this rare phenomenon will take place, something…

What's the national bird of Iraq?
→ DUCK!

What's the fastest way to break up a bingo game in Baghdad?
→ You shout out, "B-52"

The latest from Saudi Arabia and Baghdad is that:
Americans claim they have air superiority over Iraq.
Iraqis claim they have air superiority over Iran.

Why doesn't Saddam go out drinking?
→ Why should he when he can get bombed at home?

What does Saddam Hussein have in common with Fred Flinstone?

The problem with the Iraqi army is that they were using Russian defense tactics:

1. Engage the enemy.
2. Draw him into your territory.
3. Wait until winter sets in.

The Iraqi verions of the classic army regulations can be summarized as:
If it doesn't move, hide behind it.
If it does move, surrender to it.

Iraqi Air Force motto: I came I saw Iran

Civil War Era Humor

The following are supposedly true definitions, stories, and terms relating to the Civil War.

BIGGEST MAN... The biggest man in the Union Army was Capt. David Van Buskirk of the 27th Indiana Regiment who stood 6 feet 11 inches and weighed 380 pounds. He was captured in 1862 and was sent to a Richmond Prison where a Confederate entrepreneur put him on exhibit. Even Confederate President Jeff Davis came to see him and was astounded when the impish Van Buskirk claimed that back home in Bloomington Indiana:

- when I was at the train station with my company, my six sisters came to say goodbye. As I was standing there, with my company, they all came up to me, leaned down and…

Things to Remember During a War

1. The only things more accurate than enemy fire is friendly fire.
2. Try to look unimportant, they may be low on ammo.
3. Teamwork is essential. It gives them more targets to shoot at.
4. No inspection-ready unit ever passed combat.
5. No combat-ready unit ever passed inspection.
6. Remember: your aircraft was made by the lowest bidder.
7. Never draw fire, it will irritate the rest of your formation.
8. Never share a cockpit with someone braver than you.
9. You are not Tom Cruise.

Submarines are safer than airplanes. Proof in the fact is there are more airplanes in the water than submarines in the air!

Response from a junior (very junior) sonar watchstander:

- Sonar - Conn, Report all contacts in preparation in coming to periscope depth

- Conn - Sonar, I hold no contacts - how 'bout you..?

- Sonar - Conn, Supervisor to the Conn

- QMOW: Navigator we're on a course for sea mounts.

- NAV: Exec we're heading for shallow water.

- EXEC: Captain, we're running out of water.

- CAPT: What, no water, ...very well, secure the showers.

Murphy's Laws Of Combat Operations

Friendly fire - isn't.
Recoilless rifles - aren't.
Suppressive fires - won't.
You are not Superman Marines and fighter pilots take note.
A sucking chest wound is Nature's way of telling you to slow down.
If it's stupid but it works, it isn't stupid.
Try to look unimportant the enemy may be low on ammo and not want to waste a bullet on you.
If at first you don't succeed, call in an airstrike.
If you are forward of your position, your artillery will fall short.

A woman went in to see a therapist and said:

- I've got a big problem, doctor. Every time we're in bed and my husband climaxes, he lets out an outrageous yell.

- My dear - the doctor said:

- that's completely natural. I don't see what the problem is.

- The problem is - she complained:

- he keeps waking me up!

A doctor, a nurse, and the top executive of an HMO have all died and are in line together at the Pearly Gates. St. Peter speaks with them and asks what good each has done in their life.

- Doctor: I have devoted my life to the sick and needy and have had a part in caring for, and healing thousands of poor people.

- St. Peter: That's great. Go ahead in to heaven. And what about you, dear?

- Nurse: I've supported the good doctor and his patients my entire life as an adult.

- St. Peter: Wonderful. Please proceed in with the doctor. And what about you?

- Health Maintenance Organizaton Director: I was the president of a very large HMO and was responsible for the healthcare of millions of people all…

An old man visits his doctor and after thorough examination the doctor tells him:

- I have good news and bad news, what would you like to hear first?

- Patient: Well, give me the bad news first.

- Doctor: You have cancer, I estimate that you have about two years left.

- Patient: Oh no! That's awefull! In two years my life will be over! What kind of good news could you probably tell me, after this??

- Doctor: You also have Alzheimer's. In about three months you are going to forget everything I told you.

The owner of a drugstore arrives at work to find a man leaning heavily against a wall. The owner goes inside and asks his clerk what's up.

- He wanted something for his cough, but I couldn't find the cough syrup - the clerk explains:

- So I gave him a laxative and told him to take it all at once.

- Laxatives won't cure a cough, you idiot - the owner shouts angrily.

- Sure it will - the clerk says, pointing at the man leaning on the wall:

- Look at him. He's afraid to cough.

The Smiths were shown into the dentist's office, where Mr. Smith made it clear he was in a big hurry.

- No fancy stuff, Doctor - he ordered:

- No gas or needles or any of that stuff. Just pull the tooth and get it over with.

- I wish more of my patients were as stoic as you - said the dentist admiringly:

- Now, which tooth is it?

Mr. Smith turned to his wife..

- Show him, honey.

A British doctor says:

- Medicine in my country is so advanced that we can take a kidney out of one man, put it in another man, and have him looking for work in six weeks.

A German doctor says:

- That's nothing. We can take a lung out of one person, put it in another man, and have him looking for work in four weeks.

A Russian doctor says:

- In my country, medicine is so advanced we take half a heart out of one person, put it in another man, and have both of them looking for work in two weeks.

The American doctor, not to be outdone, says:

- You guys are way behind us. We just took a man with no brain out of Texas, put him in the White House, and now half the country is looking for work.

A woman rushes to see her doctor, looking very much worried and all strung out. She rattles off, "Doctor, take a look at me. When I woke up this morning, I looked at myself in the mirror and saw my hair all wiry and frazzled up, my skin was all wrinkled and pasty, my eyes were blood-shot and bugging out, and I had this corpse-like look on my face! What's wrong with me, Doctor?" The doctor looks her over for a couple of minutes, then calmly says, "Well, I can tell you one thing... there ain't nothing wrong with your eyesight."