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General

1. Never take a beer to a job interview.
2. Always identify people in your yard before shooting at them.
3. It's considered tacky to take a cooler to church.
4. If you have to vacuum the bed, it is time to change the sheets.
5. Even if you're certain that you are included in the will, it is still considered tacky to drive a U-Haul to the funeral home.

Dining Out

1. When decanting wine, make sure that you tilt the paper cup, and pour slowly so as not to "bruise" the fruit of the vine.
2. If drinking directly from the bottle, always hold it with your fingers covering the label.

Entertaining in Your Home

A farm boy accidentally overturned his wagon load of corn. The farmer who lived nearby heard the noise and yelled over to the boy:

- Hey Billy Bob, forget your troubles. Come in and visit with us. I'll help you get the wagon up later.

- That's mighty nice of you - Billy Bob answered.

- but I don't think my Pa would like me to.

- Aw, come on boy - the farmer insisted.

- Well okay - the boy finally agreed, and added:

- but my Pa won't like it.

After a hearty dinner, Billy Bob thanked his host.

- I feel a lot better now, but I know my Pa is going to be real mad.

- Don't be foolish! - the neighbor said with a smile.

An old farmer decided it was time to get a new rooster for his hens. The current rooster was still doing an okay job, but he was getting on in years and the farmer figured getting a new rooster couldn't hurt. So he buys a new cock from the local rooster emporium, and turns him loose in the barnyard.

Well, the old rooster sees the young one strutting around and he's a little worried. So, they're trying to replace me, thinks the old rooster- I've got to do something about this! He walks up to the new bird and says:

- So you're the new stud in town? I bet you really think you're hot stuff don't you? Well I'm not ready for the chopping block yet. I'll bet I'm still the better bird. And to prove…

Tennessee folks make fun of their northern Virginian neighbors with this quip:

You know why birds fly upside down over Scott County, Virginia?
→ "Cause there ain't nothin' worth shittin' on up there!"

What does a tornado and a redneck divorce have in common?
→ Somebody's gonna lose a trailer!

How do you circumcise a hillbilly?
→ Kick his sister in the jaw.

You might be a redneck if you go to your family reunion to meet women!

You know you're a redneck if you do all of your Christmas shopping at a truck stop!

A redneck was arrested for selling home-stilled whiskey. His lawyer put him on the stand and asked the jurors to look carefully at his client.

- Now, Ladies and Gentleman of the jury - concluded the lawyer.

- you've looked carefully at the defendant. Can you sit there in the jury box and honestly believe that if my client had ANY whiskey he would sell it?

3 million people, 15 last names.

Two twins returned home each with a letter from there teachers explaining they had been using extremely bad language and not to come to school. The next day when the twins each gave there dad the letter he gave them a hiding and sent them to bed.

the next morning the twins got up.

- What do you want for breakfast? - asked there dad, to which one of the twins replied:

- i'll have some of those fucken thanks.

His dad immediately gave the twin a hiding and sent him to bed.

- Now what do you want for breakfast? - the dad asked the other twin.

- Well i won't have any of those fucken thats for sure - the twin replied.

Sue Ellen passed away so Billy Bob called 911. The operator promised to send someone out immediately and asked him where he lived.

- Right at the end of - Billy Bob replied.

- Could you spell that for me please? - the operator asked.

After a very lengthy pause Billy Bob said:

- How 'bout I just drag her on over to Pine Street and y'all can pick her up there?

Bubba got drunk and died in a fire in his trailer. He was so badly burned that the morgue needed someone to identify the body, so they called his two buddies Jim-Bob and Billy-Joe to I.D. him.

Jim-Bob went in and the mortician pulled back the sheet.

- Yep, he's got burned up purdy bad. Roll 'im over - said Jim-Bob.

The mortician rolled him over, Jim-Bob looked at his butt and said:

- Nope, dat ain't Bubba.

Not saying anything, but finding it a bit strange, the mortician brought in Billy-Joe to I.D. the body.

- Yep, he's burned up real bad. Roll 'im over - said Billy-Joe.

The mortician rolled him over, Billy-Joe looked down at his butt and said:

- Dat ain't Bubba.

What's the best pick up line in any state below the Mason-Dixon line?
→ Get in the truck!

A man was taking his wife, who was pregnant with twins, to the hospital when his car went out of control and crashed. Regaining consciousness, he saw his brother, a relentless practical joker, sitting at his bed side. He asked his brother how his wife was doing and his brother said:

- Don't worry, everybody is fine and you have a son and a daughter. But the hospital was in a real hurry to get the birth certificates filed and since both you and your wife were unconscious, I named them for you.

The husband was thinking to himself:

- Oh no, what has he done now?

- Well, bro, what did you name them? - and asked with some trepidation.

Whereupon, his brother replied:

- I named the little girl Denise.

Two zebras are talking and one asks the other:

- Am I black with white stripes or white with black stripes?

The other replies:

- Well I don't know. You should pray to God about that and ask him.

So that night he did and God replied:

- You are what you are.

The next day he said to the other zebra:

- I still don't understand what I am because God just said, You are what you are.

The second zebra responds:

- You must be white with black stripes or else God would have said, Yo is what yo is.

- The car won't start - said a wife to her husband.

- I think there's water in the carburettor.

- How do you know? - said the husband scornfully.

- You don't even know what the carburettor is.

- I'm telling you - repeated the wife.

- I'm sure there's water in the carburettor.

- We'll see - mocked the husband.

- Let me check it out. Where's the car?

- In the swimming pool.

What did the digital clock say to his mother?
→ Look ma no hands!

The Ten Commandments display was recently removed from the Alabama Supreme Court building. There was a good reason for the move. You can't post Thou Shalt Not Steal, Thou Shalt Not Commit Adultery, and Thou Shall Not Lie in a building full of lawyers and politicians without creating a hostile work environment.

Two cannibals meet one day. The first cannibal says:

- You know, I just can't seem to get a tender missionary. I've baked 'em, I've roasted 'em, I've stewed 'em, I've barbequed 'em, I've even tried every sort of marinade. I just cannot seem to get them tender.

The second cannibal asks:

- What kind of missionary do you use?

The other replied:

- You know, the ones that hang out at that place at the bend of the river. They have those brown cloaks with a rope around the waist and their sort of bald on top with a funny ring of hair on their heads.

- Ah ha! - he replies.

- No wonder.. those are friars!

Every day, we are assaulted by stories of stupid people -- many of whom use their stupidity for personal gain. From time to time, though, we hear of those who strive to achieve new levels of stupidity while also breaking the law. To these brave men and women -- ooops, "women and men" -- we present the highest possible honor: entry into the "Stupid-." Following are their accounts ..

Kentucky (where else?): Two men tried to pull the front off a cash machine by running a chain from the machine to the bumper of their pickup truck. Instead of pulling the front panel off the machine, though, they pulled the bumper off their truck. Scared, they left the scene and drove home. With the chain still…

1. Sing the Batman theme incessantly.
2. In the memo field of all your checks, write "for sensual massage."
3. Specify that your drive-through order is "to go."
4. Learn Morse code, and have conversations with friends in public consisting entirely of "Beeeep Bip Bip Beeep Bip..."
5. If you have a glass eye, tap on it occasionally with your pen while talking to others.
6. Amuse yourself for endless hours by hooking a camcorder to your TV and then pointing it at the screen.
7. Speak only in a "robot" voice.
8. Push all the flat Lego pieces together tightly.
9. Start each meal by conspicuously licking all your food, and announce that this is so no one will "swipe your grub".

Two golden-agers were discussing their husbands over tea.

- I do wish that my Elmer would stop biting his nails. He makes me terribly nervous.

- My Billy used to do the same thing, the older woman replied. But I broke him of the habit.

- How?

- I hid his teeth.

1. Pretend to be one of the Bush family. Doesn't matter which.
2. Have an uncontrollable lusting for someone else every five minutes.
3. Pretend to be from different ethnic backgrounds every hour, and when people ask you about it, answer like a hillbilly would.
4. Act like a hillbilly. Period.
5. Improvise Italian operas.
6. Gossip about someone to their face.
7. Answer every question with a question.
8. Repeat yourself constantly.
9. Act like a member of the opposite sex.
10. Repeat yourself constantly.

Mary was having a tough day and had stretched herself out on the couch to do a bit of what she thought to be well-deserved complaining and self-pitying. She moaned to her mom and brother:

- Nobody loves me.. the whole world hates me!

Her brother, busily occupied playing a game, hardly looked up at her and passed on this encouraging word:

- That's not true, Mary. Some people don't even know you.