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A physician claims these are actual comments from his patients made while he was performing colonoscopies:

1. "Take it easy, Doc, you're boldly going where no man has gone before."
2. "Find Amelia Earhart yet?"
3. "Can you hear me NOW?"
4. "Are we there yet? Are we there yet? Are we there yet?"
5. "You know, in Arkansas, we're now legally married."
6. "Any sign of the trapped miners, Chief?"
7. "You put your left hand in, you take your left hand out. You do the Hokey Pokey...."
8. "Hey! Now I know how a Muppet feels!"
9. "If your hand doesn't fit, you must acquit!"

- Father: (at hospital looking through glass at newly arrived babies) Kitchy kitchy koo. Look, she smiled... isn't she adorable?

- Friend: But your kid didn't smile.

- Father: I was talking about the nurse.

- I'll tell you - he said:

- I've learned that arthritis is the cruellest disease.

- Crueller than cancer? - his friend asked.

- You bet - the first codger replied:

- It makes every single one of your joints stiff, except the right one.

In the maternity ward of a hospital, new-born girl baby looks over at new-born boy baby and asks, "Are you a girl baby or a boy baby?" The boy baby quickly chirps up, "I'm a boy baby!" "How can you tell?" asks girl baby. "Easy," says boy baby. And, with that, he threw off the blankets, hoisted up his itty-bitty night-shirt and proudly pointed downward. "See..... blue booties"

A short history of medicine:

I have an earache.
2000 B.C. - Here, eat this root.
1000 A.D. - That root is heathen, say this prayer.
1850 A.D. - That prayer is superstition, drink this potion.
1940 A.D. - That potion is snake oil, swallow this pill.
1985 A.D. - That pill is ineffective, take this antibiotic.
2000 A.D. - That antibiotic is artificial. Here, eat this root.

It was a stifling hot day and a man fainted in the middle of a busy intersection. Traffic quickly piled up in all directions, so a woman rushed to help him. When she knelt down to loosen his collar, a man emerged from the crowd, pushed her aside, and said, "It's all right honey, I've had a course in first aid." The woman stood up and watched as he took the ill man's pulse and prepared to administer artificial respiration. At this point she tapped him on the shoulder and said, "When you get to the part about calling a doctor, I'm already here."

A man hasn't been feling well, so he goes to his doctor for a complete checkup. Afterward the doctor comes out with the results.

- I'm afraid I have some very bad news. You're dying, and you don't have much time left.

- Oh, that's terrible! How long have I got?

- Ten.

- Ten? Ten what? Months? Weeks? What?!

- Nine...

While making his rounds, a doctor points out an x-ray to a group of medical students.

- As you can see - he says:

- the patient limps because his left fibula and tibia are radically arched.

The doctor turns to one of the students and asks:

- What would you do in a case like this?

- Well - ponders the student:

- I suppose I'd limp, too.

The baby was delivered, the cord clamped and cut and handed to the pediatrician, who breathed and cried immediately.
Exam of genitalia reveals that he is circus sized.
The skin was moist and dry.
Rectal exam revealed a normal size thyroid.
She stated that she had been constipated for most of her life until 1989 when she got a divorce.
Between you and me, we ought to be able to get this lady pregnant.
The patient was in his usual state of good health until his airplane ran out of gas and crashed.
I saw your patient today, who is still under our car for physical therapy.
The patient lives at home with his mother, father, and pet turtle, who is presently enrolled in day care three times a week.

With the help of a fertility specialist, a 65 year old woman has a baby. All her relatives come to visit and meet the newest member of their family. When they ask to see the baby, the 65 year old mother says "not yet." A little later they ask to see the baby again. Again the mother says "not yet." Finally they say, "When can we see the baby?" And the mother says, "When the baby cries." And they ask, "Why do we have to wait until the baby cries?" The new mother says, "because I forgot where I put it."

• All marriages are happy--it's the living together afterward that causes all the problems.
• Did you hear about the scientist whose wife had twins? He baptized one and kept the other as a control.
• Disclaimer: Even my wife doesn't agree with everything I say, and she loves me dearly. My employers don't love me nearly as much as she does. Draw your own conclusions.
• It was very good of God to let Carlyle and Mrs Carlyle marry one another and so make only two people miserable instead of four, besides being very amusing.
• May you be blessed with a wife so healthy and strong, she can pull the plow when your horse drops dead.
• May you learn to perform miracles: earn a living and marry off your…

A local United Way office realized that the organization had never received a donation from the town's most successful lawyer. The person in charge of contributions called him to persuade him to contribute.

- Our research shows that out of a yearly income of at least $500,000, you give not a penny to charity. Wouldn't you like to give back to the community in some way?

The lawyer mulled this over for a moment and replied:

- First, did your research also show that my mother is dying after a long illness, and has medical bills that are several times her annual income?

Embarrassed, the United Way rep mumbled:

- Um ... no.

The lawyer interrupts:

This long line of people are queueing up to get served in a shop. Suddenly one bloke starts massaging the person in front's back. The other bloke immediately turns round and says to him:

- What the hell do you think you're doing?

The bloke behind tells him:

- Well, I'm a chiropractor and I can't help myself. I can't help practicing my art.

- Are you crazy? - says the bloke in front:

- I'm a lawyer, but do you see me f**king the bloke in front of me?

Joe grew up in a small town, then moved away to attend college and law school. He decided to come back to the small town because he could be a big man in this small town. He really wanted to impress everyone. He opened his new law office, but business was very slow at first.

One day, he saw a man coming up the sidewalk. He decided to make a big impression on this new client when he arrived. As the man came to the door, Joe picked up the phone. He motioned the man in, all the while talking..

"No. Absolutely not. You tell those clowns in New York that I won't settle this case for less than one million.."

"Yes. The Appeals Court has agreed to hear that case next week. I'll be handling the primary…

A man was sent to Hell for his sins. As he was being taken to his place of eternal torment, he passed a room where a lawyer was having an intimate encounter with a beautiful young woman.

- What a ripoff - the man muttered.

- I have to roast for all eternity, and that lawyer gets to spend it with a beautiful woman.

Jabbing the man with his pitchfork, the escorting demon snarled:

- Who are you to question that woman's punishment?

Can you imagine working for a company that has a little more than 500 employees and has the following statistics:

- 29 have been accused of spousal abuse

- 7 have been arrested for fraud

- 19 have been accused of writing bad checks

- 117 have directly or indirectly bankrupted at least 2 businesses

- 3 have done time for assault

- 71 cannot get a credit card due to bad credit

- 14 have been arrested on drug-related charges

- 8 have been arrested for shoplifting

- 21 are currently defendants in lawsuits

A doctor, a lawyer, a little boy and a priest were out for a Sunday afternoon flight on a small private plane. Suddenly, the plane developed engine trouble. In spite of the best efforts of the pilot, the plane started to go down. Finally, the pilot grabbed a parachute, yelled to the passengers that they had better jump, and bailed out.

Unfortunately, there were only three parachutes remaining. The doctor grabbed one and said "I'm a doctor, I save lives, so I must live," and jumped out.

The lawyer then said:

- I'm a lawyer and lawyers are the smartest people in the world. I deserve to live.

He also grabbed a parachute and jumped.

The priest looked at the little boy and said:

A lawyer died and was delivered into the devil's hands.

- You will be spending eternity here, but I'll let you pick your own room from three I'll show you - the devil said.

In the first room were thousands of people standing on their heads on a brick floor.

- I don't like that - said the man.

- Show me the second.

In the second room were thousands of people standing on their heads on a wood floor.

- Well, that's better than brick - the man said.

- but show me the third.

In the third, thousands of people were standing ankle-deep in a room full of maggot infested garbage, all drinking coffee.

- I'll choose this room - he said.

A lawyer's dog, running about unleashed, b-lines for the local butcher shop and steals a roast off the counter. The butcher goes to the lawyer's office and asks:

- if a dog, running unleashed, steals a piece of meat from my store, do I have a right to demand payment for the meat from the dog's owner?

- Absolutely - the lawyer responded.

The butcher immediately shot back:

- Good! You owe me $7.99 for the roast your dog stole from me this morning.

The lawyer, without a word, writes the butcher a check for $7.99.

A few days later, the butcher, browsing through his mail, finds an envelope from the lawyer. The contents reads:

- Consultation: $25.00.

How can you tell when a lawyer is about to lie?
→ His lips start moving.

As Mr. Smith was on his death bed, he attempted to formulate a plan that would allow him to take at least some of his considerable wealth with him.

He called for the three men he trusted most his lawyer, his doctor, and his clergyman. He told them:

- I'm going to give you each $30,000 in cash before I die. At my funeral, I want you to place the money in my coffin so that I can try to take it with me.

All three agreed to do this and were given the money. At the funeral, each approached the coffin in turn and placed an envelope inside.

While riding in the limousine to the cemetery, the clergyman said:

- I have to confess something to you fellows. Brother Smith was a good churchman all his life…

Important Legal

When a person assists a criminal in breaking the law BEFORE the criminal gets arrested, we call him an accomplice. When a person assists a criminal in breaking the law AFTER the criminal has been arrested, we call him a defense attorney.

A witness to an automobile accident was testifying. The following exchange took place between the lawyer and the witness:

- Did you actually see the accident?

- Yes, sir.

- How far away were you when the accident happened?

- Thirty-one feet, six and one quarter inches.

- (thinking he'd trap the witness) Well, sir, will you tell the jury how you knew it was exactly that distance?

- Because when the accident happened I took out a tape and measured it. I knew some stupid lawyer would ask me that question.

Four surgeons were taking a coffee break and were discussing their work. The first one said:

- I think accountants are the easiest to operate on. Everything inside is numbered.

- I think librarians are the easiest - said the second surgeon.

- When you open them up all their organs are alphabetically ordered.

The third surgeon said:

- I prefer to operate on electricians. All their organs are color coded.

The fourth one said:

- I like to operate on lawyers. They are heartless, spineless, gutless, and their head and their ass are interchangeable.

These are things that people actually said in court, word for word.

What is your date of birth?
→ July fifteenth.

What year?
→ Every year.

What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?
→ Gucci sweats and Reeboks.

How old is your son-the one living with you.
→ Thirty-eight or thirty-five, I can't remember which.

How long has he lived with you?