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- At communion you go back for seconds.

- You think of a lottery ticket as an investment.

- You're formulating a plan to rob the food bank.

- Long distance companies don't call you to switch.

- You give blood everyday.. just for the orange juice.

- McDonald's is the supplier of all your kitchen condiments.

- American Express calls and says: "Leave home without it!"

- Your idea of a 7-course meal is taking a deep breath outside a restaurant.

- You've rolled so many pennies, you've formed a psychic bond with Abe Lincoln.

A high school English teacher reminds her class of tomorrow's final exam:

- Now class, I won't tolerate any excuses for you not being there tomorrow. I might consider a nuclear attack or a serious personal injury or illness, or a death in your immediate family, but that's it, no other excuses whatsoever.

A smart ass guy in the back of the room raises his hand and asks:

- What would you say if tomorrow I said I was suffering from complete and utter sexual exhaustion?

The entire class does its best to stifle their laughter and snickering. When silence is restored, the teacher smiles sympathetically at the student, shakes her head, and sweetly says:

You know you are addicted to coffee if:

- You grind your coffee beans in your mouth.

- You sleep with your eyes open.

- You have to watch videos in fast-forward.

- The only time you're standing still is during an earthquake.

- You can take a picture of yourself from ten feet away without using the timer.

- You've worn out your third pair of tennis shoes this week.

- Your eyes stay open when you sneeze.

- You chew on other people's fingernails.

- The nurse needs a scientific calculator to take your pulse.

1. Stand on top of the high board and say you won't come down until your demands are met.
2. Tell the lifeguards that they aren't doing their jobs because you have seen at least 15 people kind of almost drown today.
3. Ask people if they have seen your pet shark.
4. Sit in the baby pool and play with the toys.
5. Take a flutter board and pretend you can't swim.
6. Hit strangers with your flutter board.
7. Ask an attractive lifeguard to practice CPR on you.
8. Sit in front of a water jet, make moaning sounds and say, "Oh yeah.. oooh that feels soooo good.."
9. Sit on the top of the water slide and don't move.
10. Swim near someone and go "Shoot! I knew I shouldn't have had so much lemonade before I…

When I die, I want to go peacefully like my Grandfather did, in his sleep - not screaming, like the passengers in his car.

A Polish student was in his the college campus bookstore. Questioning the store clerk about a book for one of his classes, the clerk responded:

- This book will do half the job for you.

- Good - the Polack replied.

- I'll take two.

An old man is sitting on a park bench crying his eyes out. A young jogger comes by and asks him what is the matter.

The old man says:

- I'm a multimillionare, I have a great big house, the fastest car in the world and I just married a beautiful blonde bombshell who satisfies me every night in bed whether I like it or not (sob).

The young jogger says:

- Man, you have everything I have ever dreamed for in my life. What could be so wrong in your life that you are sitting here in the park crying?

The old man says:

- I can't remember where I live.

An applicant was filling out a job application. When he came to the question, "Have you ever been arrested?" he wrote, "No." The next question, intended for people who had answered in the affirmative to the previous question, was "Why?" The applicant answered it anyway: "Never got caught."

A man went to the Police Station wishing to speak with the burglar who had broken into his house the night before.

- You'll get your chance in court, said the Desk Sergeant.

- No, no no! I want to know how he got into the house without waking my wife. I've been trying to do that for years!

You should not attempt these things during an actual exam. The following is meant for entertainment purposes only.

1. Bring a pillow. Fall asleep (or pretend to) until the last 15 minutes. Wake up, say "oh geez, better get cracking" and do some gibberish work. Turn it in a few minutes early.
2. Get a copy of the exam, run out screaming "Andre, Andre, I've got the secret documents!!"
3. If it is a math/science exam, answer in essay form. If it is long answer/essay form, answer with numbers and symbols. Be creative. Use the integral symbol.
4. Make paper airplanes out of the exam. Aim them at the instructor's left nostril.
5. Talk the entire way through the exam. Read questions aloud, debate your…

1. Stick your open palm under the stall wall and ask your neighbor, 'May I borrow a highlighter?'
2. Say, 'Uh oh, I knew I shouldn't have put my lips on that.'
3. Cheer and clap loudly every time somebody breaks the silence with a bodily function noise.
4. Say, 'Damn, this water's cold.'
5. Drop a marble and say, 'Oh shit! My glass eye!'
6. Say, 'Hmmm, I've never seen that color before.'
7. Grunt and strain real loud for 30 seconds and then drop a cantelope into the toilet bowl from a height of 6 feet. Sigh relaxingly.
8. Say, 'Now how did that get there?'
9. Say, 'Humus. Reminds me of humus.'
10. Fill up a large flask with Mountain Dew. Squirt it erratically under the stall walls of your neighbors…

- You consider McDonald's "real food."

- You actually like doing laundry at home.

- 4:00 AM is still early on the weekends.

- It starts getting late on the weeknights.

- Two miles is not too far to walk for a party.

- You wear dirty socks three times in a row and think nothing of it.

- You'd rather clean than study.

- Half the time you don't wake up in your own bed and it seems normal.

- Computer Solitaire is more than a game, it's a way of life.

- You schedule your classes around sleep habits and soaps.

58 Actual Newspaper Headlines (collected by journalists)

1. Something Went Wrong In Jet Crash, Expert Says
2. Police Begin Campaign To Run Down Jaywalkers
3. Saftey Experts Say School Bus Passengers Should Be Belted
4. Drunk Gets Nine Months In Violin Case
5. Survivor Of Siamese Twins Joins Parents
6. Farmer Bill Dies In House
7. Iraqi Head Seeks Arms
8. Is There A Ring Of Debris Around Uranus?
9. Stud Tires Out

1. Spend all day at a fast food restaurant, seeing how long it will take until your free refills cost money.
2. If paged, wait until midnight to answer the call.
3. Construct an elaborate display of ropes in your backyard and tell your neighbors that you're a "spider person."
4. When attending a movie you've already seen, yell out: "Don't let him in! He's the killer!"
5. When buying a goldfish at a pet store, ask the salesperson how often you should walk it.
6. When in a crowded elevator, say loudly: "I hope I fixed it this time."
7. Beep when a large person backs up.
8. Look around suspiciously in public and tell onlookers about the "little men."
9. Insist on making inanimate objects "dance."

The flight was coming into Dallas when a combination of mechanical errors and unstable weather caused the plane to start plummeting to the ground! The pilot feverishly worked his controls, and finally, the engines roared back to life in time to prevent the plane from crashing!

As the plane landed, airport officials rushed to the disembarking gate and were stunned to see 200 midgets shakily get off the plane. Finally the crew got off the plane and the local manager of the airline came up to congratulate him on his perseverance under extreme odds. As the official and the pilot were talking, the official commented how unusual it was that there were so many midgets on the flight.

1. Ride mechanical horses with coins fished out of the reflecting pond.
2. Try pants on backwards at the Gap. Ask the salesperson if they make your butt look big.
3. Dial 900 numbers from demonstration phones in Radio Shack.
4. Sneeze on the sample tray at Hickory Farms and helpfully volunteer to consume its now unwanted contents.
5. At the bottom of an escalator, scream 'MY SHOELACES! AAAGH!'
6. Ask the sales personnel at the music store whether inflated CD prices are in pesos or rubles.
7. Teach pet store parrots new vocabulary that makes them unsalable.
8. Stomp on ketchup packets at Burger King..
9. ..but save a few to slurp on as snacks. Tell people that they're 'astronaut food'.

For those who already have children past this age, this is hilarious. For those who have children this age, this is not funny. For those who have children nearing this age, this is a warning. For those who have not yet had children, this is birth control.

The following came from an anonymous mother.

Things I've learned from my children (honest no kidding):

1. A king size waterbed holds enough water to fill a 2000 sq. ft. house 4 inches deep.
2. If you spray hairspray on dust bunnies and run over them with roller blades, they can ignite.
3. A 3-year old's voice is louder than 200 adults in a crowded restaurant.
4. If you hook a dog leash over a ceiling fan, the motor is not strong enough to rotate…

1. The later you stay up, the earlier your child will wake up the next morning.
2. For a child to become clean, something else must become dirty.
3. Toys multiply to fill any space available.
4. The longer it takes you to make a meal, the less your child will like it.
5. Yours is always the only child who doesn't behave.
6. If the shoe fits..it's expensive.
7. The surest way to get something done is to tell a child not to do it.
8. The gooier the food, the more likely it is to end up on the carpet.
9. Backing the car out of the driveway causes your child to have to go to the bathroom.
10. The more challenging the child, the more rewarding it is to be a parent..sometimes.

Excerpts from Readers's Digest.

My 4 year old son came screaming out of the bathroom to tell me he'd dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. So I fished it out and threw it in the garbage. He stood there thinking for a moment, then ran to my bathroom and came out with my toothbrush. He held it up and said with a charming little smile:

- We better throw this one out too then, 'cause it fell in the toilet a few days ago.

On the first day of school, a first-grader handed his teacher a note from his mother. The note read:

- The opinions expressed by this child are not necessarily those of his parents.

A little boy got lost at the YMCA and found himself in the women's locker room. When he was spotted…

A bird was flying south for Winter, but he had left it too late and was frozen solid in a storm. He dropped down into a pasture of cows. The biggest, fattest cow was doing a crap there, and the bird landed in it. At first he was disgusted, until he realised the poo was thawing him out! He started crying out for joy as the ice melted. A cat that was nearby heard the cries, walked over, saw the bird and ate it.

There are three morals to this story:

1. Not everyone who gets you into shit is your enemy.
2. Not everyone who gets you out of shit is your friend.
3. If you are in shit, keep your mouth shut.

On Christmas morning, a cop on horseback was sitting at a traffic light. Next to him was a kid on his shiny new bike.

The cop said to the kid:

- Nice bike you've got there. Did Santa bring that to you?

The kid said:

- Yeah.

The cop said:

- Well, next year tell Santa to put a taillight on that bike.

The cop then proceeded to issue the kid a $20 bicycle safety violation ticket. The kid took the ticket, but before he rode off he said:

- By the way, that's a nice horse you got there. Did Santa bring that to you?

Humoring the kid, the cop said:

Little Leroy came into the kitchen where his mother was making dinner. His birthday was coming up and he thought this was a good time to tell his mother what he wanted:

- Mom, I want a bike for my birthday.

Little Leroy was a bit of a troublemaker. He had gotten into trouble at school and at home. Leroy's mother asked him if he thought he deserved to get a bike for his birthday. Little Leroy, of course, thought he did. Leroy's mother, being a religious woman, wanted Leroy to reflect on his behavior over the last year:

- Go to your room, Leroy, and think about how you have behaved this year. Then write a letter to God and tell him why you deserve a bike for your birthday.

According to a news report, a certain private school recently was faced with a unique problem. A number of middle school girls were beginning to use lipstick and would put it on in the bathroom. That was fine, but after they put on their lipstick they would press their lips to the mirror leaving dozens of little lip prints. Every night, the maintenance man would remove them and the next day, the girls would put them back. Finally the principal decided that something had to be done.

She called all the girls to the bathroom and met them there with the maintenance man. She explained that all these lip prints were causing a major problem for the maintenance man who had to clean the mirrors every…

The Mafia was looking for a new man to make weekly collections from all the private businesses that they were "protecting." Feeling the heat from the police force, they decide to use a deaf person for this job. If he were to get caught, he wouldn't be able to communicate to the police what he was doing.

Well, on his first week, the deaf collector picks up over $40,000. He gets greedy, decides to keep the money and stashes it in a safe place. The Mafia soon realizes that their collection is late, and sends some of their hoods after the deaf collector. The hoods find the deaf collector and ask him where the money is. The deaf collector can't communicate with them, so the Mafia drags the guy to…

Things never to say to a cop:

1. I can't reach my license unless you hold my beer. (OK in Texas)
2. Sorry, Officer, I didn't realize my radar detector wasn't plugged in.
3. Aren't you the guy from the Village People?
4. Hey, you must've been doin' about 125 mph to keep up with me. Good job!
5. Are You Andy or Barney?
6. I thought you had to be in relatively good physical condition to be a police officer.
7. You're not gonna check the trunk, are you?
8. I pay your salary!
9. Gee, Officer! That's terrific. The last officer only gave me a warning, too!