- Sir, I understand you admit to having broken into the dress shop four times - the judge said.
- Yes, Your Honor - the suspect replied.
- What did you steal? - the judge asked.
- I stole a dress, Your Honor - replied the suspect.
- One dress? - the judge bellowed. - But you have admitted to breaking in four times!
- Yes, Your Honor - sighed the suspect - but the first three times my wife didn't like the color!
Pierre, a brave French fighter pilot, takes his girlfriend, Marie, out for a pleasant little picnic by the River Seine. It's a beautiful day and love is in the air.
Marie leans over to Pierre and says:
- Pierre, kiss me!
Our hero grabs a bottle of Merlot and splashes it on Marie's lips.
- What are you doing, Pierre? - says the startled Marie.
- I am Pierre the fighter pilot! When I have red meat, I like to have red wine!
She smiles and they start kissing. When things began to heat up a little, Marie says:
- Pierre, kiss me lower.
Our hero tears her blouse open, grabs a bottle of Chardonnay and starts pouring it all over her breasts.
- Pierre! What are you doing? - asks the bewildered Marie.
An executive with a new young wife and a yen for golf decided about December one year that he couldn't take it any longer. So he said to his wife one evening:
- Honey, next Friday we're going to Hilton Head for the weekend. We'll get a condo on the golf course and I'm going to play golf all weekend.
- That sounds fine - she purred.
And, sure enough, next Saturday morning at 6 a.m., found him on the golf course, all alone. After playing two holes, he noticed a man carrying a golf bag walking toward him across a fairway. The exec. waited, and the other man arrived, saying:
- Mind if I play along?
The exec. said:
- Fine. Glad to have the company.
A student had spent all his money, so he called his mother from college and asked if she could send him some.
Mom said:
- Of course, I'll send you some money, dear.
- By the way, you left your calculus book here when you visited last month. Would you like me to send that to you too?
Ummmmm, oh yeah, OK Mom - the boy replied.
So, Mom wrapped the book, together with the checks, kissed Dad goodbye and went to the post office to mail the parcel. When she returned, Dad asked:
- So, how much did you send him this time?
- I wrote two checks, one for $20, and the other for $1000 - Mom replied.
- Have you lost your mind? - Dad exclaimed.
- That's $1020!
A man walks into a drug store with his 8-year old son. They happen to walk by the condom display, and the boy asks:
- What's are these, Dad?
To which the man matter-of-factly replies:
- Those are called condoms, son. Men use them to have safe sex.
- Oh I see - replied the boys pensively.
- Yes, I've heard of that in health class at school.
He looks over the display and picks up a package of 3 and asks:
- Why are there 3 in this package?
The dad replies:
- Those are for high-school boys. One for Friday, one for Saturday, and one for Sunday.
Jack and Betty are celebrating their 50th wedding anniversary.
- Betty, I was wondering -- have you ever cheated on me?
- Oh Jack, why would you ask such a question now? You don't want to ask that question...
- Yes, Betty, I really want to know. Please.
- Well, all right. Yes, 3 times.
- Three? When were they?
- Well, Jack, remember when you were 35 years old and you really wanted to start the business on your own and no bank would give you a loan? Remember how one day the bank president himself came over to the house and signed the loan papers, no questions asked?
- Oh, Betty, you did that for me! I respect you even more than ever, that you would do such a thing for me! So, when was number 2?
A man was walking in the city, when he was accosted by a particularly dirty and shabby-looking bum who asked him for a couple of dollars for dinner. The man took out his wallet, extracted two dollars and asked:
- If I gave you this money, will you take it and buy whiskey?
- No, I stopped drinking years ago - the bum said.
- Will you use it to gamble?
- I don't gamble. I need everything I can get just to stay alive.
- Will you spend the money on greens fees at a golf course?
- Are you NUTS! I haven't played golf in 20 years!
The man said:
- Well, I'm not going to give you two dollars. Instead, I'm going to take you to my home for a terrific dinner cooked by my wife.
The bum was astounded.
It seems there was this couple from Minneapolis, Minnesota, who decided to go to Miami Beach for a few days to thaw out during one particularly cold winter. The airlines have crazy frequent flyer rules, and the wife ended up on a flight the day after her husband.
The husband made it down to Florida and arrived at his hotel. Upon getting to his room, he decided to open his laptop and send his wife back in Minneapolis an email. Unfortunately, he didn't notice he had misspelled his wife's email address.
In South Carolina, a widow had just returned from the funeral of her husband, a Methodist pastor of many years, who had been called to glory just a few days earlier. She decided to check her…
Typical macho man married typical good-looking lady and after the wedding, he laid down the following rules:
- I'll be home when I want, if I want and at what time I want-and I don't expect any hassle from you. I expect a great dinner to be on the table unless I tell you that I won't be home for dinner. I'll go hunting, fishing, boozing and card-playing when I want with my old buddies and don't you give me a hard time about it. Those are my rules. Any comments?
His new bride said:
- No, that's fine with me. Just understand that there will be sex here at seven o'clock every night.. whether you're here or not.
A hillbilly family took a vacation to New York City. One day, the father took his son into a large building. They were amazed by everything they saw, especially the elevator at one end of the lobby.
The boy asked:
- What's this, Paw?
The father responded:
- Son, I have never seen anything like this in my life. I don't know what it is!
While the boy and his father were watching in wide-eyed astonishment, an old lady in a wheelchair rolled up to the moving walls and pressed a button. The walls opened and the lady rolled between them into a small room. The walls closed and the boy and his father watched small circles of lights above the walls light up. They continued to watch the circles light up…
- You recycle your own toilet paper
- Your mom has to shave more times a month than your dad
- You see a bill board that says "Don't do crack" and it reminds you to pull up your pants.
- You stare at a carton of orange juice because it says "concentrate."
- Your bumper sticker reads: "One more Whore and We Get Gore."
- The nativity scene you set up in your yard at Christmas includes two pink flamingos and baby Jesus lying in a painted tire.
- Most of your teeth are on a chain around your neck.
- You hunt from your bedroom window.
- Your dad walks you to school because you're in the same grade.
- You refrigerate your food stamps.
Kudzu is green, my dog's name is Blue
And I'm so lucky to have a sweet thang like you.
Yore hair is like cornsilk, a-flapping in the breeze.
Softer than Blue's and without all them fleas.
You move like the bass, which excite me in May.
You ain't got no scales, but I luv you anyway.
You're as graceful as okry, jist a-dancin' in the pan.
Yo're as fragrant as SunDrop right out of the can.
You have all yore teeth, for which I am proud
I hold my head high when we're in a crowd.
- "Well knock me down and steal muh teeth!"
- "Well, butter my butt and call me a biscuit."
- "I'll slap you so hard, your clothes will be outtastyle."
- "This'll jar your preserves."
- "Don't you be makin' me open a can o' whoop-ass on ya!"
- "Cute as a sack full of puppies."
- "If things get any better, I may have to hire someone to help me enjoy it."
- One hand on wheel, one hand on horn: New York
- One hand on wheel, one finger out window: Chicago
- One hand on wheel, one hand on newspaper, foot solidly on accelerator: Boston
- One hand on wheel, cradling cell phone, brick on accelerator: California
- With gun in lap: L.A.
- Both hands on wheel, eyes shut, both feet on brake, quivering in terror: Ohio, but driving in California.
- Both hands in air, gesturing, both feet on accelerator, head turned to talk to someone in back seat: Italy
- One hand on latte, one knee on wheel, cradling cell phone, foot on brake, mind on game: Seattle
- One hand on wheel, one hand on hunting rifle, alternating between both feet being on the accelerator and both…
A bartender was washing glasses one afternoon when an elderly Irishman came in. With great difficulty, the Irishman hoisted his bad leg over the barstool, pulled himself up painfully, and asked for a sip of Irish whiskey. The Irishman looked down the bar and said:
- Is that Jesus down there?
The bartender nodded, so the Irishman told him to give Jesus an Irish whiskey, too.
The next patron to come in was an ailing Italian with a hunched back, who moved very slowly. He shuffled up to the barstool and asked for a glass of Chianti. He also looked down the bar and asked if that was Jesus sitting at the end of the bar. The bartender nodded, so the Italian said to give Him a glass of Chianti, too.
The out-of-state couple are camping on the shores of a lake near a tiny hamlet. The young wife, stunningly built, decides to give the local town folk a thrill by sun bathing in the nude.
- That's OK with me, honey - says her husband.
- I'll go get some wood for the fire.
About thirty minutes later, the husband returns to the campsite and finds his wife in tears. One of her breasts has been painted green, the other red and her ass is blue.
- What on earth happened to you dear? - he asks.
- Some of those rednecks from town came over and told me they don't allow any nakedness around these parts. Then they gave me this paint job!
- Damn those trouble-makers! I'll fix them! - the husband shouts.
Two redneck guys go on a fishing trip. They rent all the equipment: the reels, the rods, the wading suits, the rowboat, the car, and even a cabin in the woods. They spend a fortune.
The first day they go fishing, but they don't catch anything. The same thing happens on the second day, and on the third day. It goes on like this until finally, on the last day of their vacation, one of the men catches a fish.
As they're driving home they're really depressed. One guy turns to the other and says:
- Do you realize that this one lousy fish we caught cost us fifteen hundred dollars?
The other guy says:
- Wow! It's a good thing we didn't catch any more!
You know you're a redneck jedi when..:
- You hear: Luke, I am your father... and your uncle...
- You ever said the phrase: May the force be with y'all.
- Your Jedi robe is camouflage.
- You have ever used your light saber to open a bottle of Bud Light.
- At least one wing of your X-Wings is primer colored.
- You can easily describe the taste of an Ewok.
- You have ever had a land-speeder up on blocks in your yard.
- The worst part of spending time on Dagobah is the dadgum skeeters.
- Wookiees are offended by your B.O.
Two rednecks decided that they weren't going anywhere in life and thought they should go to college to get ahead. The first went in to see the counselor, who told him to take math, history, and logic.
- What's logic? - the first redneck asked.
The professor answered:
- Let me give you an example. Do you own a weed eater?
- I sure do.
- Then I can assume, using logic, that you have a yard - replied the professor.
- That's real good! - said the redneck.
The professor continued:
- Logic will also tell me that since you have a yard, you also own a house.
Impressed, the redneck said:
A University of Georgia student was visiting a Yankee relative in Boston over the holidays. He went to a large party and met a pretty co-ed. He was attempting to start up a conversation with the line:
- Where does you go to school?
The coed, of course, was not overly impressed with his grammar or southern drawl, but did answer his question:
- Yale - she replied.
The Georgia student took a big, deep breath and shouted:
- WHERE DOES YOU GO TO SCHOOL??
When a man in Macon, Georgia came upon a wild dog attacking a young boy, he quickly grabbed the animal and throttled it with his two hands. A reporter saw the incident, congratulated the man and told him the headline the following day would read:
- Local Man Saves Child by Killing Vicious Animal.
The hero, however, told the journalist that he wasn't from Macon.
- Well, then - the reporter said.
The headline will probably say:
- Georgia Man Saves Child by Killing Dog.
- Actually - the man said.
- I'm from Connecticut.
- In that case - the reporter said in a huff.
The headline will read:
English.....
Spanish..... Te Amo
French...... Je T'aime
German...... Ich Liebe Dich
Japanese.... Ai Shite Imasu
Italian..... Ti Amo
Redneck..... Nice Tits
Two Alabama State Trooper Patrol cars were in hot pursuit of a Camaro heading east towards Georgia on I-90. When the suspect crossed the Georgia line, the first trooper pulled over immediately. The rookie Trooper pulled over right behind him and asked:
- Sarge, why'd you stop?
- You dumb rookie - replied the Sarge.
- He's in Georgia now. They're an hour ahead of us, so we'll never catch him.
This guy walks into a bar in Alabama and orders a white wine. Everybody sitting around the bar looks up, surprised, and the bartender looks around and says:
- You ain't from around here, are ya... where ya from, boy?
The guy says:
- I'm from Iowa.
The bartender asks:
- What th' hell you do in Iowa?
The guy responds:
- I'm a taxidermist.
The bartender asks:
- A taxidermist... now just what th' hell is a taxidermist?
Two football players were taking an important final exam. If they failed, they would be on academic probation and not allowed to play in the Sugar Bowl the following week. The exam was fill-in-the-blank. The last question read:
- Old MacDonald had a _________.
Bubba was stumped. He had no idea of the answer. He knew he needed to get this one right to be sure he passed. Making sure the professor wasn't watching, he tapped Tiny on the shoulder.
- Pssst. Tiny. What's the answer to the last question?
Tiny laughed. He looked around to make sure the professor hadn't noticed then he turned to Bubba.
- Bubba, you're so stupid. Everyone knows Old MacDonald had a farm.
- Oh yeah - said Bubba.
