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Donna arrived home from work early one day and found her husband, Glen, in bed with another woman.

- That's it! - she shouted:

- I'm leaving and I'm not coming back!

- Wait honey - Glen pleaded:

- Can't you at least let me explain?

- Fine, let's hear your story - Donna replied.

- Well, I was driving home when I saw this poor young lady sitting at the side of the road, barefoot, torn clothes, covered in mud and sobbing - explained Glen.

I immediately took pity on her and asked if she would like to get cleaned up. She got into the car and I brought her home. After she took a shower, I gave her a pair of the underwear that doesn't fit you anymore, the dress that I bought you last year that you never…

A woman and her lover are in bed together when hubbie comes home. The woman jumps up, shoves the guy in a corner of the bedroom, rubs him down in baby oil and covers him in talcum powder.

- Don't move! You're a statue!

The husband comes up to the bedroom and inquires about the new decoration. The wife explains that the Smith family next door acquired a statue for their bedroom recently, and if they could get one, so could she.

The married couple go to bed, but at midnight the husband goes downstairs, gets a glass of milk and some cookies, and comes back upstairs. He hands the snack to the statue and says:

- Here. I stood around for 3 days at the Smiths', and they never fed me a thing!

An aged farmer and his wife were leaning against the edge of their pig-pen when the old woman wistfully recalled that the next week would mark their golden wedding anniversary.

- Let's have a party, Homer - she suggested.

- Let's kill a pig.

The farmer scratched his grizzled head.

- Gee, Ethel - he finally answered:

- I don't see why the pig should take the blame for something that happened fifty years ago.

Showing his friend around his home, Jennings pointed out all of the collectibles he and his wife had acquired over their long years of marriage.

- The day before I die, I'd like to sell every piece we've got just to see how much it's all worth.

- Well - his friend replies:

- since you couldn't possibly know the day before you were going to die, you'll never be able to sell!

- And that's where you're wrong - the man smiled.

- If I sell it, my wife would kill me!

After a few days, the Lord called to Adam and said:

- It is time for you and Eve to begin the process of populating the earth so I want you to kiss her.

Adam answered:

- Yes Lord, but what is a 'kiss?'

So the Lord gave a brief description to Adam who took Eve by the hand and took her to a nearby bush. A few minutes later, Adam emerged and said:

- Thank you Lord, that was enjoyable.

And the Lord replied:

- Yes Adam, I thought you might enjoy that and now I'd like you to caress Eve.

And Adam said:

- What is a 'caress?'

- For Heaven's sake, Chris, why can't you talk to me once in a while? - Julie whined.

- What? - Chris replied.

- Look around! - Julie yelled, as she pointed around the room.

- Look at all these books! You always have your head buried in a book! You don't even seem to know I'm alive!

- I'm sorry, honey - Chris said.

- Sometimes I wish I were a book. Maybe then you'd at least look at me! - Julie exclaimed.

- Hmmmm - Chris mumbled:

- that's not such a bad idea. Then I could take you to the library every few days and change you for something more interesting.

A student comes to a young professor's office. She glances down the hall, closes his door, kneels pleadingly.

- I would do anything to pass this exam.

She leans closer to him, flips back her hair, gazes meaningfully into his eyes.

- I mean.. - she whispers:

- .. I would do ANYTHING!!

He returns her gaze.

- Anything??

- Yes,.. Anything! - She says.

His voice turns to a whisper.

- Would you.. study??

A group of girlfriends is on vacation when they see a 5-story hotel with a sign that reads:

- For Women Only.

Since they are without their boyfriends and husbands, they decide to go in.

The bouncer, a very attractive guy, explains to them how it works.

- We have 5 floors. Go up floor by floor, and once you find what you are looking for, you can stay there. It's easy to decide since each floor has a sign telling you what's inside.

So they start going up and on the first floor the sign reads:

- All the men on this floor are short and plain.

The friends laugh and without hesitation move on to the next floor.

The sign on the second floor reads:

- All the men here are short and handsome.

A man boarded an airplane and took his seat. As he settled in, he glanced up and saw a very beautiful woman boarding the plane. He soon realized she was heading straight towards his seat. Lo and behold, she took the seat right beside his. Eager to strike up a conversation, he blurted out:

- Business trip or vacation?

She turned, smiled and said:

- Business. I'm going to the Annual Nymphomania Convention in Chicago.

He swallowed hard. Here was the most gorgeous woman he had ever seen sitting next to him and she was going to a meeting for nymphomaniacs! Struggling to maintain his composure, he calmly asked:

- What's your business role at this convention?

- Lecturer - she responded.

The room was full of pregnant women and their partners, and the Lamaze class was in full swing. The instructor was teaching the women how to breathe properly, along with informing the men how to give the necessary assurances at this stage of the plan. The teacher then announced:

- Ladies, exercise is good for you. Walking is especially beneficial. And, gentlemen, it wouldn't hurt you to take the time to go walking with your partner!

The room really got quiet. Finally, a man in the middle of the group raised his hand.

- Yes? - replied the teacher.

- Is it alright if she carries a golf bag while we walk?

Two old men were fishing off a bridge as they had done daily for many years. Suddenly a funeral procession came down the road. The one old man reeled in his line, lain down his pole, faced the street and bowed his head until the procession had passed. He then picked up his pole and started fishing again.

The other fisherman was amazed and stated:

- I didn't know you were that religious.

The other looked at him and said:

- Least I could do, we've been married 42 years!

A guy walks into a post office one day to see a middle-aged, balding man standing at the counter methodically placing Love stamps on bright pink envelopes with hearts all over them. He then takes out a perfume bottle and starts spraying scent all over them. His curiosity getting the better of him, he goes up to the balding man and asks him what he is doing.

The man says:

- I'm sending out 1,000 Valentine cards signed, 'Guess who?'

- But why? - asks the man.

- I'm a divorce lawyer - the man replies.

A man left from work one Friday afternoon. But, being payday, instead of going home, he stayed out the entire weekend partying with the boys and spending his entire paycheck. When he finally appeared at home, Sunday Night, he was confronted by a very angry wife and was barraged for nearly two hours with a tirade befitting his actions.

Finally his wife stopped the nagging and simply said to him:

- How would you like it if you didn't see me for two or three days?

To which he replied:

- That would be fine with me.

Monday went by and he didn't see his wife. Tuesday and Wednesday came and went with the same results. Come Thursday, the swelling went down just enough where he could see her a little out…

A woman arrives home from work and her husband notices she's wearing a diamond necklace. He asks his wife:

- Where did you get that necklace?

She replies:

- I won it in a raffle at work. Go get my bath ready while I start dinner.

The next day, the woman arrives home from work wearing a diamond bracelet. Her husband asks:

- Where did you get the bracelet?

She replies:

- I won it in a raffle at work. Go get my bath ready while I start dinner.

The next day, her husband notices she arrives home from work wearing a mink coat. He says:

- I suppose you won that in a raffle at work?

A guy with a black eye boards his plane bound for Pittsburgh and sits down in his seat. He notices immediately that the guy next to him has a black eye, too. He says to him:

- Hey, this is a coincidence, we both have black eyes mind if I ask how you got yours?

The other guy says:

- Well, it just happened, it was a tongue twister accident. See, I was at the ticket counter and this gorgeous blonde with the most massive breasts in the world was there. So, instead of saying, 'I'd like two tickets to Pittsburgh,' I accidentally said, 'I'd like two pickets to Tittsburgh'....so she socked me a good one.

The first guy replied:

- Wow! This is unbelievable. Mine was a tongue-twister too. I was at the…

A couple walking in the park noticed a young man and woman sitting on a bench, passionately kissing.

The wife said:

- Why don't you do that?

Her husband replied:

- Honey, I don't even know that woman!

A woman accompanied her husband to the doctor's office. After his checkup, the doctor called the wife into his office alone. He said:

- Your husband is suffering from a very severe disease, combined with horrible stress. If you don't do the following, your husband will surely die.

- Each morning, fix him a healthy breakfast. Be pleasant, and make sure he is in a good mood. For lunch make him a nutritious meal he can take to work. And for dinner, prepare an especially nice meal for him.

- Don't burden him with chores, as this could further his stress. Don't discuss your problems with him it will only make his stress worse. Try to relax your husband in the evening by wearing lingerie and giving…

A man has six children and is very proud of his achievement. He is so proud of himself, that he starts calling his wife, Mother of Six, in spite of her objections.

One night, they go to a party. The man decides that it's time to go home and wants to find out if his wife is ready to leave as well. He shouts across the room at the top of his voice:

- Shall we go home Mother of six?

His wife, irritated by her husband's lack of discretion shouts right back:

- Anytime you're ready, Father of Four.

He said:

- I don't know why you wear a bra you've got nothing to put in it.

She said:

- You wear briefs, don't you?

He said:

- Do you love me just because my father left me a fortune?

She said:

- Not at all honey, I would love you no matter who left you the money.

He said:

- Since I first laid eyes on you, I've wanted to make love to you in the worst way.

Rosemary had been divorced for a few years and was finding life very lonely. Finally, after much persuasion, she consented to go out on a date with Andy, a gentleman her daughter fixed her up with. Andy picked her up and they went to a very secluded spot to have a picnic. Andy had also been divorced for quite some time and found himself very attracted to Rosemary. Despite her initial resistance to his advances, he finally suceeded in making love to her.

Rosemary was mortified at her lack of self-control and sobbed:

- I don't know how I'm going to face my daughter, knowing that in a time of weakness, I sinned twice!

- What do you mean, twice? - Andy asked. - We only did it once.

A wife arrived home and found her husband in bed with another woman. With superhuman strength borne of fury, she dragged him out of the house, into the tool shed in their back yard and put his penis in a vice. Securing it tightly and removing the handle of the vice, she then picked up a hacksaw.

Terrified, her husband screamed:

- Stop! Please! You aren't going to cut it off, are you?

Placing the saw in her husband's hand and with a gleam of revenge in her eye, the wife replied:

- Of course not! I'm going to set fire to the shed. You do whatever you have to do!

A young man was lost wandering in a forest, when he came upon a small house. He knocked on the door and was greeted by an ancient Chinese man with a long, grey beard.

- I'm lost - said the man. - Can you put me up for the night?

- Certainly - the Chinese man said - but on one condition. If you so much as lay a finger on my daughter, I will inflict upon you the three worst Chinese tortures known to man.

- Ok - said the man, thinking that the daughter must be pretty old as well, and entered the house.

Before dinner, the daughter came down the stairs. She was young, beautiful, and had a fantastic figure. She was obviously attracted to the young man since she couldn't keep her eyes off him during…

With their 30th wedding anniversary approaching, Ron asks his wife, Sylvia, what she wants to celebrate the occasion.

- Would you like to have a new mink coat? - Ron asks.

- No, not really - Sylvia responds.

- Well, how about a new Porche? - asks Ron.

- No, thanks - Sylvia replies.

- What about a new vacation home in the country? - Ron suggests.

- No - says Sylvia.

- Well, what would you like for your anniversary? - Ron asks.

- I'd like a divorce, Ron - answers Sylvia.

- Sorry, honey, I wasn't planning on spending that much - replies Ron.

Husband and wife had a bitter quarrel on the day of their 40th wedding anniversary.

The husband yells:

- When you die, I'm getting you a headstone that reads, 'Here Lies My Wife - Cold As Ever.'

- Yeah? - she replies. - When you die, I'm getting you a headstone that reads, 'Here Lies My Husband - Stiff At Last.'

John invited his mother over for dinner one evening. During the meal, she couldn't help but notice how attractive his roommate Judy was. She had been suspicious of a relationship between her son and his roommate for quite some time, but this only made her more curious. She watched the two of them interact over the course of the evening and began to wonder whether there was more between John and Judy than met the eye.

Realizing only too well what his mother was thinking, John said:

- I can see your wheels turning Mom and I know what you're thinking. Rest assured Judy and I are strictly roommates.

A few days later, Judy went to John and said: