Chuck Norris, Arnold Swartzenagger, and Jean Claud VanDam, were talking one day. Chuck Norris asked:
- If you were a musician, who would you be?.
Chuck Norris said:
- I would be Motzart.
Jean Claud VanDam said:
- I would be Bethoven.
Arnold said:
- I'll be Bach!
You're momma so fat, she be sellin' shade!
You're momma so ugly, she walked down the street and got arrested for indecent exposure!
You're momma so old, her s*#t has wrinkles!
You're momma so stupid, she gave birth to you and asked the doctor if you were hers!
You're momma so poor, her idea of big spendin' is buyin' a gumball!
What happens when a frog parks illegaly?
→ It gets toad!
A guy walks into a gun shop to buy a gun.
- Can I help you sir? - asked the shopkeeper.
Ah, yes... I want to buy a .44 Magnum please.
The shopkeeper informs the man that the .44 is a very powerful gun, and asks the customer what he's going to use it for.
The man replies:
- I want to shoot cans!
What? Cans! You don't need a .44 to shoot cans sir, a much smaller gun would do, advised the shopkeeper.
The customer has enough and finally says:
- Shut up and give me the dang .44 Mag... I want to shoot AmeriCans, MexiCans, and AfriCans!
There once was an old man from Trent,
Whose penis was crooked and bent,
And so to save trouble,
He put it in double,
And instead of coming, he went!
Dave was a bit of a nut who enjoyed making obscene phone calls.
His biggest pleasure is making such calls to kindergarten teachers.
He'll find a lonely telephone booth, dial the number of a teacher, and exclaim:
- Is this Mrs. Jones, the kindergarten teacher at P.S. 41?
When the teacher answers yes, Dave goes into his act:
- Wee-ee, poo-poo ca-ca!
Farmer Brown had been screwing one of his pigs for 5 years, when all of a sudden he was hit by pangs of conscience.
It bothered him so much that he decided that he just had to tell his priest about it in confession.
The priest was shocked and could only say to Farmer Brown:
- Well, was the pig a male or a female?
- A female, of course - shouted Farmer Brown!
- What do you think I am...some sort of queer?
Jessie James and his gang are attacking a train outside of Oklahoma City. As they go through each car, they line up the travelers and prepare to take all their loot.
As Jesse entered the first car he yelled:
- Okay, everybody, we're going to rape all the men and rob all the women!
Upon hearing this, his brother Frank turned to him and said:
- ah, Jessie, don't you mean we're going to rob all the men and rape all the women?
With that said, a little fairy in the corner pops up and says:
- Listen, you heard Jessie...he's the boss!
And then there's little Johnny who one night woke up to go the bathroom and passed by his parents door.
Noticing that the door was open a bit, he walked in only to see his mother performing oral sex on his dad.
Upon seeing this, little Johnny walks out and exclaims:
- Hah!, they got nerve...they sent "ME" to the doctor for sucking my thumb!
The teacher was conducting a class in nutrition and asked the class to name four qualities of mohter's milk.
Little Johnny pipes up and says:
- I know teacher!
Number One: It's fresh.
Number Two: It's nutritious.
Number Three: I't served at just the right temperature.
And Number Four: It comes in a cool container!
- Boss: Johnson, we giving you a promotion but you have to move to Montreal.
- Johnson: Montreal! Nothing comes from there except hookers and hockey players!
- Boss: Listen pal, my wife comes from there!
- Johnson: Without missing a beat replies:
- No kidding! What position does she play?
Mr. Jones, upon returning from a business trip was shocked to find his wife in bed with a stranger. The nude stranger was sprawled over the bed asleep.
- You rotten bastard! - yelled the husband...
- I'm going to kill you!
- Wait! - said Mrs. Jones.
- You know that fur coat I got last winter? Well, he gave it to me. And that diamond ring we sold for $1000's? Well, he gave it to me. And remember when we couldn't aford a new car and I came home one day with a brand new chevy? Well, he gave it to me.
After hearing all this, Mr. Jones exclaims:
- For heaven sake woman, it's drafty in here. Cover him so he doesn't catch cold!
Confucious say...
All who fly upside-down have crack up.
He who stand on toilet high on pot.
He who shits brick has square hole.
Fly who sit on toilet seat get pissed off.
There was a loser who couldn't get a date. He went to a bar and asked this one guy how to get a date. The guy said:
- It's simple. I just say, I'm a lawyer.
So the guy went up to a pretty woman and asked her out. After she said No, he told her that it was probably a good thing because he had a case early in the morning.
She said:
- Oh!!!! Your a lawyer?
He said:
- Why,... Yes I am!
So they went to his place and when they were in bed, screwing, he started to laugh to himself. When she asked what was so funny, he answered:
- Well, I've only been a lawyer for 15 minutes, and I'm already screwing someone!
Generic Drug Names: Tylenol is Acetaminophen, Advil is Ibuprofen, Penicillin is Amoxycillin.
So what's the generic name for viagra?
→ Mydixadroopin
A guy was sitting in a bar, drinking away. Suddenly he says to the bartender:
- I have to go home or the wife will be mad.
(at this point he was loaded drunk) He climbed down from the bar stool, and fell flat on his face. The man then said:
- I can't walk and I didn't have that much to drink?
He gets up to give it another try, this time the same thing happens and he falls flat to his face. He says:
- I have to get home some way or the wife will kill me if I don't get home soon!
He gets an idea of crawling home, so away he went crawling home. He crawled up to his apartment and slowely snuck into bed with his wife trying not to wake her.
The next morning he woke up to see his wife running in the…
Where do you see blonde, brunette, blonde, brunette, blonde...
→ A naked blonde doing cartwheels!
If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.
A conclusion is the place where you get tired of thinking.
Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.
For every action, there is equal and opposite criticism.
He who hesitates is usually right.
Never do card tricks with the group you play poker with.
No one is listening until you make a mistake.
Success is always done in private, and failure in full view.
The colder the X-ray table, the more body is required on it.
The hardness of the butter is proportional to the softness of the bread.
There once was a girl from Wenatch,
She tried to get it on with a match,
She got so excited,
The damn thing ignited,
And burned all the hair off her snatch!
A woman went down to the Welfare Office to get aid. The office worker asked her:
- How many children do you have?
- Ten - she replied.
- What are their names? - he asked.
- LeRoy, LeRoy, LeRoy, LeRoy, LeRoy, LeRoy, LeRoy, LeRoy, LeRoy, and LeRoy - she answered.
- They're all named LeRoy? - he asked
- What if you want them to come in from playing outside?
- Oh, that's easy - she said.
- I just call 'LeRoy,' and they all come running in.
- And, if you want them to come to the table for dinner?
So, four nuns die at about the same time, and are waiting at the pearly gates to consult St. Peter. He says:
- Next!
He asks the first nun:
- Before I let you into Heaven, I have to ask this: Have you ever come in contact with a penis?
The first nun says, embarrased:
- Well, I was a nurse for a while, Mr. Peter, so, yes, I had to touch a few penises in my time...
St. Peter says:
- No problem! Just wash your hands out in that there fountain of holy water, and go right in!
So the nun washes her hands, and the gates spring open, the music plays, and the first nun walks right in.
Then St. Peter asks the second nun:
There are 3 people walking down the street: the perfect man, the perfect woman, and Mickey Mouse. They see a $50 bill on the street. Who picks it up?
The perfect woman (naturally), because the other two are fictional characters!
A fellow in a bar notices a woman, always alone, come in on a fairly regular basis. After the second week, he made his move.
- No thank you - she said politely.
- This may sound rather odd in this day and age, but I'm keeping myself pure until I meet the man I love.
- That must be rather difficult - the man replied.
- Oh, I don't mind too much - she said.
- But, it has my husband pretty upset.
A panda bear walks into a bar, and tells the bartender that he wants to have lunch. The bartender gives him a menu and he orders.
The panda bear eats his lunch, and when he finishes, he gets up to leave. Suddenly, the panda bear pulls an AK-47 out of his fur, and shoots the bar to pieces. He then heads for the door.
The shocked bartender jumps out from behind the destroyed bar and yells:
- Hey, what do you think you're doing? You ate lunch, shot up my bar, and now you're just going to leave?
The panda bear answers calmlly:
- I'm a panda bear.
The bartender says:
- Yeah, so?
The panda bear replies:
- Look it up, and walks out the door.
How many rednecks does it take to eat a possum?
→ Three. One to eat it and two to watch for cars.
