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What do you call a dog with no legs?
→ It don't matter what you call him, he ain't commin'!

After a hot, hard day's work Joe went into a bar to quench his thirst. He walked up to the bar and asked the bartender for a beer.

The bartender replied:

- There's one thing every man has to do here before getting served. You have to tell me the name of your penis.

Joe thought it was a bit silly and asked the bartender what he named his. The bartender said:

- I named mine Nike...like you know...just go for it!

So he thought about it for a few minutes then said:

- I got one... Secret.

The bartender said:

- Why Secret?

Joe said:

There was a Blond and a Brunette on an airplane.

All of a sudden the engine blew and they started to crash!

There was only one parachute and a flashlight.

The Brunette grabbed the parachute and the flashlight and said to the blond:

- Ok, This is a magic flashlight, I will shine it on the ground and you can slide down the beam of light! Then I will follow you with the parachute.

The blond looked at her sceptically and said:

- Do you think I am that dumb? I know when I am halfway down you're gonna turn it off!

A police detective was investigating a homicide. As he questioned the on-scene officer, he learned the body was that of a young woman. The body was found with a bowl over her head and a spoon stuck in her back.

The on-scene officer asked what the detective thought had happened to the woman.

The detective responded:

- I think it's obvious. A cereal killer got her!

A State Trooper pulls a car over on a lonely back road and approaches the blonde lady driver.

- Ma'am, is there a reason that you're weaving all over the road?

The woman replied:

- Oh officer, thank goodness you're here! I almost had an accident! I looked up and there was a tree right in front of me. I swerved to the left and there was another tree in front of me. I swerved to the right and there was another tree in front of me!

Reaching through the side window to the rear view mirror, the officer replied:

- Ma'am... that's your air freshener!

Why didn't Helen Keller ever change her baby?
→ She could find it!

Yo momma's so fat her butt looks like two pigs fighting over a Milk Dud!!

Why didn't the skeleton cross the road?
→ He didn't have the guts!

What's the difference between a white owl and a black owl?
→ A white owl goes WHO WHO WHO. A black owl goes WHODAT WHODAT WHODAT

What did the banana say to the vibrator??
→ Why the hell are you shaking? Shes gonna eat me!

You might be a redneck when you say ho-down and your girlfriend hits the ground.

The privilege of naming all the children of the tribe always fell to the chief.

One day a small Indian boy asked him how he chose the names for all the children.

- Well, my son - the chief replied.

- When I step out of my tepee, I name each child after the first thing I see.

For instance, when a child is born and I step out of my tepee and see a pale moon rising, I say:

- you shall be called, Pale-Moon-Rising.

- And when a child is born and I step out of my tepee and see a hawk flying over, I say:

- you shall be called, Hawk-Flying-Over.

- So why do you ask, Big-Dog Pooping?

A woman got on a bus holding a baby. The bus driver said:

- MAN, That is the ugliest baby I've EVER seen!

In a huff, the woman slammed her fare into the fare box and took an aisle seat near the rear of the bus. She fumed for a few stops and started getting really worked up.

The man seated next to her sensed that she was agitated and asked her what was wrong.

- The bus driver insulted me! - she fumed.

The man sympathized and said:

- Hey! He's a public servant and he shouldn't say things to insult the passengers.

- You're right! - she said.

- I think I'll go back up there and give him a piece of my mind.

- That's a good idea - the man said.

DEMERIT POINT SYSTEM USED BY WOMEN

(The code is finally broken - the demerit system is no longer a mystery!)

For all you guys out there who just can't figure it out, here it is: In the world of romance and relationship responsibilities, one single rule applies: Make the woman happy. Do something she likes & you get points. Do something she dislikes & points are subtracted. You don't get any points for doing something she expects... Sorry, but that's the way the game is played. Here is a guide to the point system.

Simple Duties

• You make the bed ... 1
• You make the bed, but forget to add the decorative pillows ... 0
• You throw the bedspread over rumpled sheets ... -1

Why did the chicken cross the road?

JERRY FALWELL: Because the chicken was gay! Isn't it obvious? Can't you people see the plain truth in front of your face? The chicken was going to the "other side." That's what "they" call it: the "other side." Yes, my friends, that chicken is gay. And, if you eat that chicken, you will become gay too. I say we boycott all chickens until we sort out this abomination that the liberal media whitewashes with seemingly harmless phrases like "the other side." That chicken should not be free to cross the road. It's as plain and simple as that.

PAT BUCHANAN: To steal a job from a decent, hardworking American.

A lawyer's car stalled on the side of the freeway. As he was getting out to see what was the matter, a reckless driver swerved taking off the whole car door and knocking the lawyer to the ground. A passing police car pulled over.

As the policeman got out he heard the lawyer shouting:

- my mercedes, my brand new mercedes!

As the policeman approached he was shocked to notice the lawyer's right arm missing.

- Do you realize your arm is gone? - asked the policeman?

The lawyer, stunned, began to scream:

- My rolex, my brand new rolex!

A man and a woman are in an elevator. All of a sudden the elevator stops and the fire alarm goes off.

The woman starts to have a break down and say to the man:

- I wish I could feel like a woman one last time.

The man automatically rips his shirt off throws it to the floor and says:

- now fold it!

One morning this blonde calls her friend and says:

- Please come over and help me. I have this killer jigsaw puzzle, and I can't figure out how to start it.

Her friend asks:

- What's the puzzle supposed to look like?

The blonde says:

- From the picture on the box, it's a tiger.

So, the blonde's friend figures that he's pretty good at puzzles, so he heads over to her place. She lets him in the door and shows him to the table where she has the puzzle spread all over the table.

He studies the pieces for a minute, then studies the box. He then turns to her and says:

- First, no matter what I do, I'm not going to be able to show you how to assemble these to look like the picture of that tiger.

Mary went to the doctor complaining of body odor.

- Do you wash? - the doctor asked the smelly young girl.

- Oh, yes - Mary answered.

- Each morning, I start at my head and wash down as far as possible. Then I start at my feet and I wash up as far as possible.

- Well - the doctor concluded.

- Go home and wash 'possible'!!!

Ther was this Indian chief, and he had three wives. They slept in the same tent. One on a bear skin, one on a buffalo skin and one on a hippopotamus skin.

After a time the three had children. The one that slept on the bear skin had a baby boy, the one on the buffalo skin had a baby girl, and the one on the hippopotamus skin had a baby boy and a baby girl, proving that the squaw on the hippopotamus is equal to the sum of the sqaws on the other two hides!!!

One night, Bill Clinton was awakened by George Washington's ghost in the White House. Clinton saw him and asked:

- George, what is the best thing I could do to help the country?

- Set an honest and honorable example, just as I did - advised George.

The next night, the ghost of Thomas Jefferson moved through the dark bedroom.

- Tom, what is the best thing I could do to help the country? - Clinton asked.

- Cut taxes and reduce the size of government - advised Tom.

Clinton didn't sleep well the next night, and saw another figure moving in the shadows.

It was Abraham Lincoln's ghost.

- Abe, what is the best thing I could do to help the country? - Clinton asked.

And Abe replied:

Why do black men not go square dancing?
→ Every time some one yells "hoe down", they turn to see if their sister got shot!

What do u call a black priest?
→ Holy shit!!

A man walks into the bar and orders 2 shots of whiskey and the man drinks one and pours the other shot in his hand, the man did this 3 times before the bartender finally asks him ----why is it you drink 1 shot and pour the other in your hand.

The man replies, I'm getting my girl friend drunk!

- Student: Can I use the bathroom?

- Teacher: Okay but first say your ABC's.

- Students: ABCDEFGHIJKLMNO QRSTUVWXYZ

- Teacher: Where's the P?

- Student: Its running down my leg!