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In Church on Sunday morning, The preacher was standing up at the pulpit preaching a sermon. After speaking for about 10 minutes he said...

- If I had all the beer in the world, I'd throw it in the river!

Then he talked some more and a little while later he said....

- If I had all the wine in the world, I'd throw it in the river!

After that statement, he kept ranting and raving untill about 15 minutes later when he said...

- If i had all the whiskey in the world, I'd throw it in the river!

Then he talked for a few more minutes and sat down. Then, the choir director stood up and with a sheepish smile on her face she said:

- now will the congregation please stand and join us in singing hymn number…

What did King Tut say to the museum?
→ I want my mummy!

A red-head, a brunette, and a blonde went on a trip to the desert.

They each brought one item for survival.

The red-head brought water. The blonde asked:

- Why? - The red-head replied:

- To prevent us from dying of thirst.

The brunette brought food. The blonde asked:

- Why? - The brunette replied:

- To prevent us from dying of hunger.

The blonde brought a car door. The red-head and brunette asked:

- Why? - The blonde replied:

This guy walks into a pub with a gremlin sitting on his shoulder. He sits at the bar and orders a pint and a half of lager.

The gremlin downs his half-pint, runs long the bar, dips his head in a blokes beer and goes:

- Brrr!

The guy orders another pint and a half. The gremlin repeats the performance. The bloke grabs the gremlin by the neck, shakes him up a bit, and says:

- Listen, if you ever do that again I'll cut yer balls off!

The gremlin says:

- Ain't got none!

- Well, I'll cut off yer prick!

- Ain't got one of them, neither. - says the gremlin.

- Well, how do ya pee?

Yo mamma is such a bad cook that even the cockroaches throw up!

- Teacher: Johnny, use defeat, deduct, defense, and detail in one sentence.

- Johnny: De-feet of DE-duck went over De-fence before De-tail.

The US government is throwing away millions of unused stamps with pictures of favorite lawyers on them.

The people that use them don't know which side to spit on!

What is the difference between a man and a carp??
→ One is a scum sucking bottom feeder, and one is a fish!!

A Canadian is on vacation and walks into a bar.

He sits on this HUGE stool and says to the bartender:

- man, I heard things are big down here in Texas, but this is ridiculas!

and orders a mug of beer.

He gets a pitcher of beer and asks the bartender:

- man, I heard that things are big down here in Texas, but this is ridiculas!

and goes about drinking his beer. He orders another and he gets really pissed drunk.

Well, not too long later, he has to go to the bathroom really, really bad so he asks the bartender:

- Where is your washroom???

The bartender says:

A man went to Africa to do some game hunting. While there, he hired a young native to accompany him as his guide. Soon, a large flock of birds flew overhead and the hunter took aim.

The guide grabbed his arm and said:

- Oh, no! These are foo birds and to shoot one means terrible things will happen to you!

The man figured that was only a superstion of the natives and shot one down.

Then the rest of the flock returned and pooped all over him. He hollared at the boy:

- I must have some water right away to wash this mess off.

The boy said:

- Oh no! To wash the crap of the foo bird off means sudden death immediately!

Again the hunter ignored his advice, found water and got cleaned off.

There was this mexican who was walking down a beach when he found a bottle that contained a genie.

Well he rubbed the bottle and the genie said:

- I'll grant you one wish.

So the mexican says:

- ok, I wanna be white and I wanna be surrounded by a pussy.

The genie grants the mexicans wish...and turned him into a tampon!

What do you call a guy with no arms and no legs in your refridgerator?
→ CHUCK.

What do you call a guy with no arms and no legs in a ditch?
→ Phil.

- Teacher: Jack, how old are you on your last birthday?

- Jack: 7 years old

- Teacher: How old are you going to be on your next birthday?

- Jack: 9 years old

- Teacher: That's impossible!

- Jack: No it's not. I'm 8 today.

- Teacher: Mike, go to the map and show me where America is.

- Mike: Here it is !

- Teacher: Good. Now class, who discovered America?

- Class: Mike !!!

A boy goes on a fishing trip with his grandpa. They install themselves on the river bank and have brought with them all the provisions they need for a fine day's fishing.

After a while, grandpa lights a cigarette. The boy gazes on. He knows his parents won't allow him to smoke, but he gets on well with his grandpa, so he asks:

- Can I have one of those cigarettes?

Grandpa, knowing he shouldn't encourage the boy in a bad habit, but not wanting give a curt "no" asks:

- Does your dick reach your ass?

The boy replies:

- No , it doesn't.

- Then - said grandpa - you aren't old enough to smoke.

Half an hour later grandpa opens a six pack. The boy has always wanted to taste beer so he asks grandpa for a…

Your momma so fat...she fell in love and broke it.

Your momma so fat...shes on both sides of the family tree.

Your momma so fat she broke the family tree.

Your cousin Jimmy is so stupid, he stole some free samples!

If you've got a green ball in your left hand, and a green ball in your right hand, what do you have?
→ Kermit the Frog's undivided attention.

This guy comes home from work and when he walks into his bedroom, he finds his wife in bed with 3 other men that he works with.

He says:

- hello hello hello

And the wife says:

- what, aren't you talking to me!

Yo Momma so old the first cruise line she ever road on was Noah's Ark!

You're breath's so stinky I don't know whether I should give you a breath mint or toilepaper!

How many men does it take to open a bottle of beer?
→ None - it should be open when she brings it to you!

What do you get if put a blonde upside down?
→ A brunette with a bad breath.

This story occurred on Melbourne radio last week. One of the FM stations has a competition where they ring someone up, ask them three personal questions, ring their spouse or partner, ask them the same three questions, if the answers are the same, the couple win an overseas holiday. Last week the competition went like this:

- Presenter: Hey its XXX-FM, do you want to play the game?

- Brian: Yeah, sure.

- Presenter: O.K., Question 1 - When was the last time you had sex?

- Brian: Ha Ha, well, about 8 o'clock this morning.

- Presenter: And how long did it go for Brian?

- Brian: Hmmmmm .... about 10 minutes.

- Presenter: 10 minutes? Good one. And where did you do it?

- Brian: Ohhhh , I can't say that.

How do you break the nose on a blonde?
→ You put a dildo under a glass table!