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Whats the most embrassing thing for a cheerleader?
→ When she does the splits and 8 class rings fall out!

You Know You're in New York City When...

1. Nuns walk down the street carrying automatic weapons.
2. You can run into the corner deli and have an eat-in lunch with dessert in the time it takes to cross the intersection of 8th and 42nd at rush hour.
3. A flying saucer can pass overhead and you hear the locals say, "Ack. More damned aliens."
4. The aroma of smoked meat is able to counteract the smell of smog and pollution.
5. The priest in the cadillac behind you gives you the finger for cutting him off.
6. You pass a convenience store advertising "Free green cards, no questions asked."
7. The gas station attendants actually speak English.
8. The unearthly pounding of the cranked up bass in the El…

A woman goes to the doctor's and says:

- Doctor, Doctor, you have to help me. Every time I go to the bathroom, DIMES come out!

The doctor tells her to relax, go home, rest with her feet up and come back in a week.

A week later the woman returns and says:

- Doctor, Doctor, it's gotten worse! Every time I go to the bathroom, QUARTERS come out!! What's wrong with me?

Again the doctor tells her to relax, go home, rest with her feet up and come back in a week. Another week passes and the woman returns and yells:

- Doctor, Doctor, I'm still not getting better! Every time I go to the bathroom, HALF-DOLLARS come out! WHAT THE HECK IS WRONG WITH ME?!!

The doctor says:

You momma is so fat, she needs a sheep for a tampon!

On the first day of college, the Dean addressed the students, pointing out some of the rules:

- The female dormitory will be out-of-bounds for all male students, and the male dormitory to the female students. Anybody caught breaking this rule will be fined $20 the first time.

He continued:

- Anybody caught breaking this rule the second time will be fined $60. Being caught a third time will cost you a fine of $180. Are there any questions?

At this point, a male student in the crowd inquired:

- How much for a season pass?

Why did Elton John wear a nicotine patch on his penis?
→ Because he was trying to cut down to one fag a day!

Confucious say: Man who go to bed with itchy ass, wake up with smelly finger.

Your momma is so fat, when she stood in the scale to get weighed it read -(one at a time please!!!!!!)

Note: This is an extract of a National Public Radio (NPR) interview between a female broadcaster, and US Army General Reinwald who was about to sponsor a Boy Scout Troop visiting his military installation.

- INTERVIEWER: So, General Reinwald, what things are you going to teach these young boys when they visit your base?

- GENERAL REINWALD: We're going to teach them climbing, canoeing, archery, and shooting.

- INTERVIEWER: Shooting! that's a bit irresponsible, isn't it?

- GENERAL REINWALD: I don't see why, they'll be properly supervised on the rifle range.

- INTERVIEWER: Don't you admit that this is a terribly dangerous activity to be teaching children?

A man walked up to a farmer's house, and knocked on the door. When the farmer's wife opened the door, the man asked if she knew how to have sex. Not amused, she slammed the door.

Again, the man knocked, and again, he asked the same question. Again, she slammed the door and screamed:

- Get the hell away!

Later, she told her husband of the incident. He said he would stay home the following day just in case.

Sure enough, the next day the same man returned. The husband hid with his gun while his wife answered the door. When she was asked again if she knew how to have sex she said:

- Yes!

The man replied:

- Great! Give some to your husband the next time you see him, and tell him to keep away from my…

Three guys enter a disabled swimming contest.

The first has no arms.

The second no legs.

And the third has no body, just a head.

They all line up, the whistle blows and "splash" they're all in the pool.

The guy with no arms takes the lead instantly but the guy with no legs is closing fast. The head of course sank straight to the bottom.

Ten lengths later and the guy with no legs finishes first. He can still see bubbles coming from the bottom of the pool, so he decides he had better dive down to rescue him.

He picks up the head, swims back up to the surface and places the head at the side of the pool, where-upon the head starts coughing and spluttering.

Bob joins a very exclusive nudist colony. On his first day he takes off his clothes and starts wandering around. A gorgeous petite blonde walks by him and the man immediately gets an erection.

The woman notices his erection, comes over to him grinning sweetly and says:

- Sir, did you call for me?

Bob replies:

- No, what do you mean?

She says:

- You must be new here; let me explain. It's a rule here that if I give you an erection, it implies you called for me.

Smiling, she then leads him to the side of a pool, lays down on a towel, eagerly pulls him to her and happily lets him have his way with her.

Bob continues exploring the facilities. He enters a sauna, sits down, and farts. Within a few seconds…

There was this virgin that was going out on a date for the first time and she told her grandmother about it.

So, the grandmother says sit here and let me tell you about those young boys. He is going to try to kiss you, you are going to like that but, don't let him do that.

He is going to try to feel your breast, you are going to like that but, don't let him do that.

He is going to try to put his hand between your legs , you are going to like that but, don't let him do that.

But most important, he is going to try to get on top of you and have his way with you. You are going to like that but, don't let him do that, it will disgrace the family.

A man goes to a bar and he ties his Great Dane up outside. About 10 minutes later a lady comes in and asks whos Great Dane is outside.

- Mine - says the man.

- My dog has just killed him - she says.

- What breed is your dog? - he asks.

- A Chiuahua - she says.

- How can a Chiuahua kill a Great Dane?

- He got caught in his throat!!!

One day, a man with no arms walked into the bathroom. Another man that was in there, asked:

- I don't mean to be rude sir, but how to you go to the bathroom with no arms?

The guys with no arms replied:

- Well I need a little help, could you unzip my pants?

The other guys reluctantly says:

- sure.

The guy with no arms says:

- I need a little more help than that, I need some aim.

- Would you mind?

The guy, very reluctant to do it this time said:

Signs you've had too much of the 90's!

- You try to enter your password on the microwave.

- You now think of three espressos as "getting wasted."

- You haven't played solitaire with a real deck of cards in years.

- You e-mail your son in his room to tell him that dinner is ready, and he emails you back "What's for dinner?"

- You chat several times a day with a stranger from South Africa, but you haven't spoken to your next door neighbor yet this year.

- You didn't give your valentine a card this year, but you posted one for your online buddies via a Web page.

- The concept of using real money, instead of credit or debit, to make a purchase is totally foreign to you.

Your momma so fat, when she goes to the aquarium the whales sing "WE ARE FAMILY."

Do you remember the Charlie Brown specials that taught valuable life lessons to a generation of kids? Well here are some new episodes:

Peanuts specials for kids of the 90's:

- We learn about VD in: "IT BURNS WHEN I PEE, CHARLIE BROWN"

- Charlie and the little redheaded girl learn about unwanted pregnancy in: "I'M STARTING TO SHOW, CHARLIE BROWN!"

- Is Linus gay? "ITS A DIFFERENT KIND OF LOVE, CHARLIE BROWN"

- Charlie moves back to his house in East L.A in: "OYE! VATO! QUE PASA, CARLITO MORENO?"

- See how the Peanuts Gang deals with date rape in: "NO MEANS NO, CHARLIE BROWN!"

- Franklin speaks! The Peanuts gang gets a lesson in Ebonics in: "IMO BUSTA CAP INYO ASS, CHARLIE BROWN"

It was time for Father John's Saturday night bath, and young nun, Sister Magdalene had prepared the bath water and towels just the way the old nun had instructed. Sister Magdalene was also instructed not to look at Father John's nakedness if she could help it, do whatever he told her to do, and pray.

The next morning the old nun asked Sister Magdalene how the Saturday night bath had gone.

"Oh, sister," said the young nun dreamily. "I've been saved."

"Saved? And how did that fine thing come about?" asked the old nun.

"Well, when Fr. John was soaking in the tub, he asked me to wash him, and while I was washing him he guided my hand down between his legs where he said the Lord keeps the Key to…

A couple are driving along the freeway and the husband, who is driving, is complaining about everything ... the heat, the long drive, the bad drivers, the country, etc ... and his wife is getting tired of his depressing talk. So she says to him:

- One more complaint and I'll cut your penis off with my pen-knife.

About half an hour later, he starts complaining again, and before he could blink his wife pulls out her knife, slices the guy's dick off, and throws it out the window.

Driving behind the couple's car is a family of three : husband, wife, and a 8 year old daughter. The penis lands on their car's windshield, and the father, in an absolute panic (as he doesn't want his daughter to see the…

Why do farts smell?
→ So deaf people can enjoy them too.

The teacher of the fourth grade class was giving an English lesson:

- All right class, I want everyone to write a sentence which starts with a question and ends with an answer and has the words possible and definite in it!

All at once, young Johnny's hand shot up.

- Miss! Miss! - called Johnny.

- Write it down, Johnny! - said the teacher.

- ... But Miss! Miss! Miss! - Johnny intoned.

- I said write it down! - exclaimed the teacher who was now quite peeved.

- Miss! Miss! - called Johnny once more.

- Okay, Johnny. I give up. What is it?

- Is it possible that farts have lumps in them?

Two very elderly ladies were enjoying the sunshine on a park bench in Miami. They had been meeting in that park every sunny day, for over 12 years...chatting, and enjoying each others friendship.

One day, the younger of the two ladies, turns to the other and says,... "Please don't be angry with me dear, but I am embarrassed, after all these years...

What is your name? I am trying to remember, but I just can't."

The older friend stares at her, looking very distressed, says nothing for 2 full minutes, and finally with tearful eyes, says...

"How soon do you have to know?"

A blonde wanted to go ice fishing. She'd seen many books on the subject, and finally, after getting all the necessary "tools" together, she made for the nearest frozen lake. After positioning her comfy stool, she started to make a circular cut in the ice.

Suddenly, from the sky, a voice boomed:

- THERE ARE NO FISH UNDER THE ICE!!!!!!

Startled, the blonde moved further down the ice, poured a Thermos of cappuccino and began to cut another hole in the ice.

Again from the heavens, the voice bellowed:

- THERE ARE NO FISH UNDER THE ICE!!!!!

The blonde, now quite worried, moved down to the opposite end of the ice, set up her stool, and tried again to cut her hole in the ice.

The voice came once more:

A man was driving home one evening and realized that it was his daughter's birthday and he hadn't bought her a present. He drove to the mall and ran to the toy store and he asked the store manager, "How much is that new Barbie in the window?"

The Manager replied, "Which one? We have:

• 'Barbie goes to the gym' for $19.95
• 'Barbie goes to the Ball' for $19.95
• 'Barbie goes shopping' for $19.95
• 'Barbie goes to the beach' for $19.95
• 'Barbie goes to the Nightclub' for $19.95
• and 'Divorced Barbie' for $375.00."

"Why is the Divorced Barbie $375.00, when all the others are $19.95?" Dad asked surprised.

Simple...