Latest

THESE ARE ACTUAL EXCERPTS FROM STUDENT SCIENCE EXAM PAPERS:

Charles Darwin was a naturalist who wrote the organ of the species.

Benjamin Franklin produced electricity by rubbing cats backwards.

The theory of evolution was greatly objected to because it made man think.

Three kinds of blood vessels are arteries, vanes and caterpillars.

The dodo is a bird that is almost decent by now.

To remove air from a flask, fill it with water, tip the water out, and put the cork in quick before the air can get back in.

The process of turning steam back into water again is called conversation.

A magnet is something you find crawling all over a dead cat.

The Earth makes one resolution every 24 hours.

If restaurants functioned like shrink-wrapped (Microsoft) software:

- Patron: Waiter!

- Waiter: Hi, my name is Bill, and I'll be your Support Waiter. What seems to be the problem?

- Patron: There's a fly in my soup!

- Waiter: Try again, maybe the fly won't be there this time.

- Patron: No, it's still there.

- Waiter: Maybe it's the way you're using the soup; try eating it with a fork instead.

- Patron: Even when I use the fork, the fly is still there.

- Waiter: Maybe the soup is incompatible with the bowl; what kind of bowl are you using?

- Patron: A SOUP bowl!

A man walking down the beach, sees a old bottle in the sand and begins to play kick-the-bottle to amuse himself. After a while he picks it up, and a pissed off genie emerges.

She says:

- normally I grant 3 wishes, but in your case, you son of a bitch, I am going to grant only 1.

He thinks a minute and says:

- OK, I want to wake up with 3 women in my bed.

She says:

- So be it!, and disappears back into the bottle. Next morning, he wakes up with Lorena Bobbitt, Tonya Harding and Hilary Clinton. He has no penis, a broken leg, and no health insurance!

A unit in sex education was about to begin, and each student had to bring in a permission slip in order to take it. Little Johnny handed in his slip and explained to the teacher, "My mom says I can take the course as long as there's no homework."

NEW LANGUAGES BEING TAUGHT IN AMERICA

- Afro-American Speak -- Ebonics (or We-Beonics)

- Irish-American Speak -- Leprechaunics

- Native-American Speak -- Kimosabics

- Italo-American Speak -- Spumonics (or Rigatonics)

- Chinese-American Speak -- Won-tonics

- Japanese-American Speak -- Mama-san-ics

- Polish-American Speak -- Kielbasanics

- Jewish-American Speak -- Zionics

- Russian-American Speak -- Rasputonics

An anxious woman goes to her doctor.

"Doctor," she asks nervously, "can you get pregnant from anal sex?"

"Certainly," replies the doctor, "Where do you think lawyers come from!"

You Might Be Addicted to AOL if...

- Tech Support calls "You" for help

- Someone at work tells you a joke and you say LOL

- You have called out someone's screen name while making love to your significant other

- You keep begging your friends to get an account so "we can hang out"

- You have to get a second phone line just so you can call Domino's

- You've ever typed "drinking on AOL is better than drinking alone"

- You have a vanity car tag with your screen name on it

- You no longer type with proper punctuation, capitalization, or complete sentences

- You begin to say heh heh heh instead of laughing

A cannibal was walking through the jungle and came upon a restaurant opened by a fellow cannibal. Feeling somewhat hungry, he sat down and looked over the menu...

- Broiled Missionary: $25.00

- Fried Explorer: $35.00

- Baked Politician: $100.00

The cannibal called the waiter over and asked:

- Why such a price difference for the politician?

The cook replied:

- Have you ever tried to clean one of them?

World War III. The US has succeeded in building a computer able to solve any strategic or tactical problem. Military leaders are assembled in front of the new machine and instructed to feed difficult tactical problem into it. They describe a hypothetical situation to the computer and then ask the pivotal question: attack or retreat?

The computer hums away for an hour and then comes up with the answer: YES.

The generals look at each other, somewhat stupefied.

Finally one of them submits a second request to the computer: YES WHAT?

Instantly the computer responded: YES SIR!

Scientists were preparing an experiment to ask the ultimate question.

They had worked for months gathering one each of every computer that was built. Finally the big day was at hand. All the computers were linked together. They asked the question:

- IS THERE A GOD?

Suddenly there was a loud crash, and in a brilliant explosion of silicon and plastic the computers fused into what appeared to the scientists to be one large computer in place of the many smaller ones. One of the scientists raced to the printer as it finally output its answer.

- There is now - read the printout.

Dog Rules...

1. The dog is not allowed in the house.
2. Okay, the dog is allowed in the house, but only in certain rooms.
3. The dog is allowed in all rooms, but has to stay off the furniture.
4. The dog can get on the old furniture only.
5. Fine, the dog is allowed on all the furniture, but is not allowed to sleep with the humans on the bed.
6. Okay, the dog is allowed on the bed, but only by invitation.
7. The dog can sleep on the bed whenever he wants, but not under the covers.
8. The dog can sleep under the covers by invitation only
9. The dog can sleep under the covers every night.

A man walks into a shul with a dog. The shammas comes up to him and says:

- Pardon me, this is a House of Worship, you can't bring your dog in here.

"What do you mean," says the man, "this is a Jewish dog. Look."

And the shammas looks carefully and sees that in the same way that a St. Bernard carries a brandy barrel round its neck this dog has a tallis bag round its neck.

"Rover," says the man, "daven!"

- Woof! - says the dog, stands on his hind legs, opens the tallis bag, takes out a kipa and puts it on his head.

- Woof! - says the dog, stands on his hind legs, opens the tallis bag, takes out a tallis and puts it round his neck.

- Woof! - says the dog, stands on his hind legs, opens the tallis…

Good girls say "thanks for a wonderful dinner"...
Bad girls say, "what's for breakfast?"

Good girls never go after another girl's man...
Bad girls go after him AND his brother.

Good girls wear white cotton panties
Bad girls don't wear any.

Good girls wax their floors...
Bad girls wax their bikini lines.

Good girls loosen a few buttons when it's hot
Bad girls make it hot by loosening a few buttons.

NASA was interviewing professionals to be sent to Mars. Only one could go, but with one catch - he couldn't return to Earth.

The first applicant, an engineer, was asked how much he wanted to be paid for going. "One million dollars," he answered, "because I want to donate it to M.I.T."

The next applicant, a doctor, was asked the same question. He asked for two million. "I want to give a million to my family," he explained, "and leave the other million for the advancement of medical research."

The last applicant was a lawyer. When asked how much money he wanted, he whispered in the interviewer's ear:

- Three million dollars.

- Why so much more than the others? - the interviewer asked.

- Finish your lima beans or you're not getting any heroin for dessert!

- If you don't stop that this instant, I'll have Grandma perform another striptease for you.

- If this plexiglass wasn't between us, I'd wash your mouth out with soap, young man.

- Do you want me to put a tofu burrito in your pants? Well? Do You?!

- Billy Bob, you finish them chores or Sis ain't goin' to the prom with ya!

- Eat your brussel sprouts, or Mommy won't love you anymore.

- Lyle, Erik -- either behave, or go to your suites!

- If you don't eat your peas, Chelsea, I'll make you stay at the Gingrich's house!

- Don't make me put you back in the womb!

- As long as you live under this roof, you're going to wear that dress…

Poor Billy is dating a rich girl and has no idea what to give her for her birthday, (as she has everything) as he tells of his dilema to his friend, his friend suggests that he tatoo her name on his sex organ. Billy goes to a tattoo parlor and tells the man her name is Wendy.

When finished he looks down and sees. . "W Y" and says:

- Hey I said her name was Wendy

Man says "Don't worry shake it." . . . He does, . . and voila! - Wendy.

He ties a ribbon on it and presents it to his girl. . . she is so happy that she invites him on a Carribean cruise.

While in port at Jamaica in a disco he goes to the bathroom. While at the urinal a tall Jamaican stands next to him glances down sees "W Y" and says:

After much discussion the scientific community decided to try to determine why the human penis was shaped the way it was.

MIT allocated a budget of $200,000 and after 2 years research decided the the head of the penis was bigger than the shaft so that during intercourse a better seal was maintained and thus preventing leakage and ensuring fertilization.

Johns Hopkins Medical Center allocated a budget of $500,000 and after 5 years research decided that the head was bigger than the shaft in order to provide more stimulation, ensure ejaculation and thus allow for impregnation.

The fellows over at the University of Hawaii spent $2.50, bought a copy of the latest Victoria's Secret catalog and…

TOP TEN SIGNS YOUR KID IS TAKING DWEEBONICS CLASSES

10. They tilt their head sideways to smile.
11. When you ground them, they say, "Your UI could really use some work."
12. They say, "My dad can beat your dad at Quake."
13. Instead of laughing, they say, "LOL."
14. They insult kids by saying, "And you've got limited bandwidth!"
15. They change the answering machine message to "BRB, leave your URL, and we'll TTYL."
16. This is how they ask someone out on a date: "Umm, uh, well...see ya!"
17. Calling from camp, your homesick child says, "I'm roaming outside my service area!"
18. When you ask if they've finished their book report, they say, "It's in beta, but it'll ship in time."

Reasons Women Should Not Have Freedom of Speech...

1. She doesn't need to talk to get me a beer.
2. If she's in the kitchen like she should be, no one can hear her anyway.
3. If she can talk, all she'll do is complain.
4. Because she won't say "I will" instead of "I do."
5. No man wants to hear "first down" during a basketball game.
6. Because PMS is no excuse for whining.
7. No man needs or wants to hear the word "period" unless it has to do with hockey.
8. Women created tampon and yeast infection commercials during football.
9. Affirmative action.

Net News - The Vatican has no gone on line with its own interactive website.

The site is said to offer meany great new features including a downloadable picture of Jesus Christ which will bounce around your screen after a preset length of time.

It has been christened the 'screen saviour'........

A boy was bagging groceries at a supermarket. One day the store installed a machine for squeezing fresh orange juice.

Intrigued, the young man asked if he could be allowed to work the machine, but his request was denied.

- Sorry, kid, but baggers can't be juicers. - said the store manager.

1. Don't call, ever.
2. Name your penis. Be sure it is something narcissistic and unoriginal, like "Spike."
3. Play with yourself. Talk about it.
4. You are a man. Remember, no matter what, it isn't your fault.
5. Lie.
6. Never ask for help. Even if you really need it, don't ask. People will think you have no penis.
7. Women like it when you ignore them. It arouses them.
8. If, God forbid, you have to talk to a girl on the phone, use only monosyllabic words and noises. Bodily noises are permissible.
9. Lie.
10. Everyone finds a man more attractive if he can write his name in urine.

Pat Williams, general manager of the Orlando Magic, on his team's woeful record:

- We can't win at home. We can't win on the road. As general manager, I just can't figure out where else to play.

Went to lunch with a friend today to a new chicken place. We asked how they prepare their chickens.

- We just tell them they're going to die.

Did you hear about the three ministers who were talking about their common problem with bats in the belfry of the church?

The first:

- I shot at them with a shotgun; but it only spoiled the woodwork.

The second:

- I tried a more humane approach, netting them and releasing them 100 Km away. But they beat me back to the church!

The third (who was looking pretty smug):

- I caught them, and baptized and confirmed each one. I haven't seen them since.