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How do you know if you are a geek?
→ Your computer cost $6,000 and your car cost $500.00

What do you call a dead blonde in a closet?
→ The 1984 Hide and Seek World Champion.

1. Psychiatrists say that one of four people are mentally ill. Check three friends. If they're OK, you're it.
2. Sex is not the answer. Sex is the question. "Yes" is the answer.
3. Nothing in the known universe travels faster than a bad check.
4. A truly wise man never plays leapfrog with a unicorn.
5. It has recently been discovered that research causes cancer in rats.
6. Always remember to pillage BEFORE you burn.
7. If you are given an open-book exam, you will forget your book. If you are given a take-home test, you will forget where you live.
8. The trouble with doing something right the first time is that nobody appreciates how difficult it was.

One day God came to Adam to pass on some news. "I've got some good news and some bad news", God said.

Adam looked at God and said, "Well, give me the good news first."

Smiling, God explained, "I've got two new organs for you.

One is called a brain. It will allow you to be very intelligent, create new things, and have intelligent conversations with Eve.

The other organ I have for you is called a penis. It will allow you to reproduce your now intelligent life form and populate this planet. Eve will be very happy that you now have this organ to give her children."

Adam, very excited, exclaimed, "These are great gifts you have given to me. What could possibly be bad news after such great tidings?"

50 Things Women Would Do To Drive Men Crazy...

1. Do not say what you mean. Ever.
2. Be ambiguous. Always.
3. Cry. Cry often. Tell them it's their fault.
4. Bring things up that were said, done, or thought months or years ago.
5. Make them apologize for everything.
6. Stash feminine products in their backpacks and in their books as cute reminders that you were thinking of them.
7. Gossip. Gossip about everything that walks.
8. Play Alanis Morissette's "You Outta Know," loud. Look at them Smile.
9. Look them in the eye and start laughing.

University

To: Professor [ ]
From: [ ]

I think my grade in your course, [ ], should be changed from [ ] to [ ] for the following reasons:

1. The persons who copied my paper made a higher grade than I did.
2. The person whose paper I copied made a higher grade than I did.
3. This course will lower my Grade Point Average and I won't get into:
   [ ] Law School
   [ ] Medical School
   [ ] Graduate School

1. You've ever cut your grass and found a car.
2. You own a home that is mobile and 5 cars that aren't.
3. You think the stock market has a fence around it.
4. Your stereo speakers used to belong to the Moonlight Drive-in-Theater.
5. You've ever lost a loved one to kudzu.
6. Your boat has not left the driveway in 15 years.
7. You own a homemade fur coat.
8. Chiggers are included on your list of top 5 hygiene concerns.
9. You burn your yard rather than mow it.
10. Your wife has ever said, "Come move this transmission so I can take a bath."

Actual comments received in 1996 from the Bridger Wilderness registration sheets and comment cards:

- Trails need to be wider so people can walk while holding hands.

- Instead of a permit system or regulations, the Forest Service needs to reduce world-wide population growth to limit the number of visitors to wilderness.

- Ban walking sticks in wilderness. Hikers that use walking sticks are more likely to chase animals.

- All the mile markers are missing this year.

- Found a smoldering cigarette left by a horse.

- Trail needs to be reconstructed. Please avoid building trails that go uphill.

- Too many bugs and leaches and spiders and spider webs. Please spray the wilderness to rid the area of these…

Ways You Can Tell Your Pilot is on Drugs

10. All the in-flight meals are missing their dessert squares
11. In between "May I" and "have your attention" there's a 45 minute pause.
12. He's constantly yelling, "Take that, Red Baron!"
13. Shuttle from New York to Boston includes stopover in Colombia
14. His co-pilot: Robert Downey Jr.
15. For the last hour, he's been riding the beverage cart like a rodeo cowboy.
16. Keeps coming on the P.A. to point out clouds that look like his old high school teachers.
17. His wings are pinned to his bare chest
18. When you fly over international date line, he yells, "Dude! We're, like, time traveling!"

Did you hear about the blonde that robbed a bank?
→ She tied up the safe and blew the guard!

How do you know when a blonde has been making chocolate chip cookies?
→ You find M&M shells all over the kitchen floor.

Do you know why the blonde got fired from the M&M factory?
→ She kept throwing out all the "W"s!

What did the blonde do when her doctor told her she had sugar in her urine?
→ She peed on her corn flakes.

Why did the blonde bake a chicken for three and a half days?
→ It said cook it for half an hour per pound, and she weighed 125.

Why do Blondes take the pill?
→ So they know what day of the week it is.

What do you call a smart blond?
→ A golden retriever!

Nowe u two can rite gud!

Howe two rite gud
Frank L. Visco
Vice-president and Senior Copywriter at US Advertising.

My several years in the word game have learnt me several rules:

- Avoid alliteration. Always.

- Prepositions are not words to end sentences with.

- Avoid cliches like the plague. (They're old hat.)

- Employ the vernacular.

- Eschew ampersands & abbreviations, etc.

What did one cannibal say to the other cannibal while eating the clown?
→ "Does this taste funny to you?"

A Jew, a Christian and a Muslim were having a discussion about who was the most religious.

"I was riding my camel in the middle of the Sahara," exclaimed the Muslim. "Suddenly a fierce sandstorm appeared from nowhere. I truly thought my end had come as I lay next to my camel while we being buried deeper and deeper under the sand. But I did not lose my faith in the Almighty Allah, I prayed and prayed and suddenly, for a hundred metres all around me, the storm had stopped. Since that day I am a devout Muslim and am now learning to recite the Koran by memory."

"One day while fishing," started the Christian, "I was in my little dinghy in the middle of the ocean. Suddenly a fierce storm appeared…

1. Illiterate? Write today for free help.
2. Auto Repair Service. Free pick-up and delivery. Try us once, you'll never go anywhere again.
3. Our experienced Mom will care for your child. Fenced yard, meals, and smacks included.
4. Dog for sale: eats anything and is fond of children.
5. Man wanted to work in dynamite factory. Must be willing to travel.
6. Stock up and save. Limit: one.
7. Semi-Annual after-Christmas Sale.
8. 3-year old teacher needed for pre-school. Experience preferred.
9. Mixing bowl set designed to please a cook with round bottom for efficient beating.
10. Girl wanted to assist magician in cutting-off-head illusion. Blue Cross and salary.

A very important event is going to happen on May the 4th. I'm telling you so early because it's so important. I urge each of you to mark that date on your calendars with the letters BU. It's very important that you include the letter B with the letter U; you may miss the importance of the event without it.

So go now, and mark your calendars. Keep repeating to yourselves as you walk to the calendar, so you don't forget: May the 4th, B with U; May the 4th, B with U....

Two girls were roommates.

One evening, Millie came running in, shedding clothes on the way to the bathroom.

She yelled, "Hurry up Tillie, get ready for our date!"

Tillie didn't know anything about the date and said so.

Millie explained that she'd met two really great looking guys and had made dates for both of them for that evening.

Tillie said, "I'm not going out on any more blind dates."

"Why not?"

"They're always the same," said Tillie, "It's sex, sex, sex! Nothing but a pain in the ass!"

Millie looked at her in disbelief and exclaimed, "Honey, you're doing it wrong!"

"Mr. Smith, I have reviewed this case very carefully," the divorce court judge said, "and I've decided to give your wife $275 a week."

"That's very fair, your honor," the husband said. "And every now and then I'll try to send her a few bucks myself."

Here's one for you... what do men and linoleum have in common?
→ If you lay them right the first time, you can walk all over them the rest of your life!

Rush Limbaugh and his chauffeur were out driving in the country and accidentally hit and killed a pig that had wandered out on a country road.

Limbaugh told the chauffeur to drive up to the farm and apologize to the farmer. They drove up to the farm, the chauffeur got out and knocked on the front door and was let in. He was in there for what seemed hours. When he came out, Limbaugh was confused about why his employee had been there so long.

"Well, first the farmer shook my hand, then he offered me a beer, then his wife brought me some cookies, and his daughter showered me with kisses," explained the driver.

"What did you tell the farmer?" Limbaugh asked.