Michael Irvin was complaining to Calvin Williams about his first trip to the Super Bowl and how hard it was to get any sleep the night before the big game.
- I was awakened at one, two and four in the morning by a drunk cheerleader banging on the door and screaming - he recalled.
- That's terrible - said Williams.
- How'd you ever get any sleep?
- At five o'clock I finally unlocked the door and let her out - replied Irvin.
Confucius says: Man who plays with titty gets bust in mouth.
MATERIAL SAFETY DATA SHEET
Workplace Hazardous Materials Information System
Substance: Woman
Manufacturer: God
Typical Size: Average weight 115lbs.; specimens can vary from 90 to over 200 lbs.
Occurrence: Large quantities found in urban areas and shopping malls.
PHYSICAL PROPERTIES:
A small guy goes into an elevator, looks up and notices a huge dude standing next to him. The big dude looks down upon the small guy and says:
- 7 feet tall, 350 pounds, 20 inch penis, 3 pound left testicle, 3 pound right testicle, Turner Brown.
The small guy faints.
The big dude picks up the small guy and brings him to, slapping his face and shaking him and asks the small guy:
- What's wrong with you?
The small guy says:
- Excuse me, but what did you say?
The big dude looks down and says:
- 7 feet tall, 350 pounds, 20 inch penis, 3 pound left testicle, 3 pound right testicle, Turner Brown.
The small guy says:
After years of marriage, Ole and Lena found themselves in bed one night. Lena leaned over to Ole and said:
- Ole, have you ever been unfaithful during all our years of marriage?
- Not even once! - exclaimed Ole.
- Lena, have you ever been unfaithful?
- Well, er, yes --- but only three times - she admitted somewhat embarrassed.
- Hmmm, three times? - questioned Ole.
- That's not so bad. Do you remember those three times? Can you tell me when?
- Well, Ole, do you remember when you wanted to build the store and you had a hard time getting approval from the City Council? - asked Lena.
- That was the first time.
- And, do you remember when you wanted to build an addition, but had to get the okay from the…
- What the fuck was that? - The Mayor of Hiroshima
- Look at all these fucking Indians - General Custer
- Full speed ahead and fuck the icebergs! - Captain of the Titanic
- That's not a fucking real gun - John Lennon
- The fucking throttle's stuck - Donald Campbell
- Who's going to fucking know? - President Nixon
- Heads are going to fucking roll - Henry VIII
- Watch him, he'll have some fucker's eye out - King Harold
- Scattered showers my fucking ass - Noah
- Where the fuck have you been? - Stanley to Livingston
OK, let's consider the physical evidence.
The moon is moving away at a tiny, although measurable distance from the Earth every year.
Do the math and you will clearly see that 85 million years ago it was orbiting the earth at a distance of about 35 feet from the earth's surface. This would explain the death of the dinosaurs; the tallest ones, anyway.
This lady went to a tattoo artist and told him she wanted a turkey tattooed on the upper most inner side of her left thigh. He had seen weirder so he didn't think too much about it.
Then she wanted a Santa tattooed on the upper most inner side of her right thigh. After he finished the last tattoo, he just couldn't help asking her:
- Why the turkey and Santa?
She replied:
- I'm tired of my husband complaining that there is nothing to eat between Thanksgiving and Christmas!!!
- Both look stupid in hats.
- Both can eat 5 pounds of chocolate in one sitting.
- Both tend to have "hip" problems.
- Neither understand football.
- Both are good at pretending that they're listening to every word you say.
- Neither believe that silence is golden.
- Both constantly want back rubs.
- Neither can balance a checkbook.
- You can never tell what either of them is thinking.
- Both put too much value on kissing.
How to tell when you are spending too much time with your computer:
- You start introducing yourself as "lord at pacbell dot net"
- Your wife drapes a wig over your monitor to remind you of what she looks like
- You check your mail. It says "no new messages". So you check it again
- Your phone bill is delivered in a box
- You name your children Eudora, Mozilla, and Dotcom
- All of your friends have an @ in their names
- You tell the cab driver you live at http://123.elm.street/house/bluetrim.html
- You tell the kids they can't use the computer because "Daddy's got work to do" and you don't have a job.
- You get a tattoo that says "This body best viewed with Netscape3.01"
Y. O. D. A
(To the Village People's "Y. M. C. A")
(As sung by master Yoda, on meeting Luke Skywalker)
YOUNG MAN, I saw your ship come down.
I said YOUNG MAN, now it's muddy and brown.
I said YOUNG MAN, put your weapon away, 'cause I
MEAN YOU NO HARM I SAY
YOUNG MAN, There's no need to feel fear.
I am WONDERIN', tell me why are you here?
How you GROWIN', from this food on the plate, I say
A FRIEND OF MINE HAS AN 18 YEAR OLD SON NAMED LEROY. HE ATTENDS OAKLAND HIGH SCHOOL WHERE THEY TEACH EBONICS AS A SECOND LANGUAGE. LAST WEEK HE WAS GIVEN AN EASY HOMEWORK ASSIGNMENT. ALL HE HAD TO DO WAS PUT EACH OF THE FOLLOWING WORDS IN A SENTENCE. THIS IS WHAT LEROY DID.
OPERATOR, WE'VE BEEN DISCONNECTED: Florida State Senator John McKay has resigned from the Senate Regulated Industries Committee, which oversees such monopolies as the phone company, after his wife charged in a divorce proceeding that McKay had been having an affair with the lobbyist for the Sprint telephone company. (AP)
John, that's not what Ma Bell meant by "Reach Out and Touch Someone".
A woman that was on her death-bed turned to her husband telling him he should get married soon after she'll die, to which the man said:
- OK.
Then she told him that he may bring the new wife to her home.
- OK - said the man.
- And you may give her my silver.
- OK - said he.
- You will also give her my jewelry.
- OK - said the man.
- And you will also give her my dresses - said the woman.
- This will not be possible - answered the man - you see, you are size 8 and she is size 10.
What is the difference between a smart blonde and bigfoot?
→ Bigfoot has been seen.
Bob and his three golf buddies were out playing and were just starting on the back nine when Bob paused, looked down the fairway and began to sob uncontrollably.
The other three gathered around him and asked:
- What's wrong?
Bob looked down at his feet, sniffed and dried his eyes some, then apologized for his emotional outburst:
- I'm sorry, I always get emotional at this hole - it holds very difficult memories for me."
One of his buddies asked:
- What happened? What could have gotten you so upset?
Bob stared silently off in the distance, then said in a low voice:
- This is where my wife and I were playing 12 years ago when she suddenly died of a heart attack; right at this very hole!"
Once, a gay man went to heaven. At the Great Gate, Saint Peter was waiting for him. After rewieving his records Saint Pete decided to let him in.
- Follow me - he said, opening the gate and walking in.
After some walk, Saint Pete's keys accidentally fell on the ground. Unaware, he bent over to pick up the keys. That was something the gay man just couldn't resist, so he jumped on him and did his thing. Saint Pete was furious.
- If you do that again, You'll go straight to hell! But follow me, we're almost there.
After some more walk, Pete dropped his keys again, and again, the gay man jumped on him. Saint Pete was even more furious than before, but decided to give the gay guy one last chance.
BONN, Germany (Reuter) -- Thousands of Germans are keeping unfortunate surnames such as Kotz (Vomit), Moerder (Murder), Brathuhn (Roast chicken) and even Hitler, even though they could legally change them, a magazine reported Sunday.
The German phonebook lists hundreds of people with the surname Faul (Lazy), Fett (Fat), Dreckmann (Filth-man), Dumm (Stupid) and Schwein (Pig), the weekly Focus magazine said in an advance release ahead of publication Monday.
Unflatteringly named Germans said that they mainly had problems with their names as children and that later in life they had decided not to bow to social pressure to change them.
- Why should I have a different name from my father and…
I'm glad I'm a woman, yes I am, yes I am
I don't live off of Budweiser, beer nuts and Spam
I don't brag to my buddies about my erections
I won't drive to Hell before I ask for directions
I don't get wasted at parties and act like a clown
and I know how to put the damned toilet seat down!
I won't grab your hooters, I won't pinch your butt
my belt buckle's not hidden beneath my beer gut
and I don't go around "readjusting" my crotch
or yell like Tarzan when my head-board gets a notch
Bad: You can't find your vibrator.
Worse: Your daughter "borrowed" it.
Bad: You find a porn movie in your son's room.
Worse: You're in it.
Bad: Your children are sexually active.
Worse: With each other.
Bad: Your husband's a cross dresser.
Worse: He looks better than you.
Bad: Your son's involved in Satanism.
Worse: As a sacrifice.
One day a man decided to get a tattoo on his penis, his wife asked where have u been all day, he said to get a tattoo on his penis. The wife asked why? He said so u can stay home and blow money!!
A young man took a blind date to an amusement park.
They went for a ride on the Ferris wheel. The ride completed, she seemed rather bored.
- What would you like to do next? - he asked.
- I wanna be weighed, - she said. So the young man took her over to the weight guesser. - One-twelve, - said the man at the scale, and he was absolutely right.
Next they rode the roller coaster. After that, he bought her some popcorn and cotton candy, then he asked what else she would like to do.
- I wanna be weighed, - she said.
I really latched onto a square one tonight, thought the young man, and using the excuse he had developed a headache, he took the girl home.
A painting contractor was speaking with a woman about her job. In the first room she said she would like a pale blue. The contractor wrote this down and went to the window, opened it, and yelled out:
- GREEN SIDE UP!
In the second room she told the painter she would like it painted in a soft yellow. He wrote this on his pad, walked to the window, opened it, and yelled:
- GREEN SIDE UP! The lady was somewhat curious but she said nothing.
In the third room she said she would like it painted a warm rose color. The painter wrote this down, walked to the window, opened it and yelled:
- GREEN SIDE UP!
The lady then asked him:
- Why do you keep yelling 'green side up'?
- I'm sorry, - came the reply.
A loud American, looking for properties to buy out in Australia is in the bar of the Railway Hotel.
- Yeah, ma'am - he says to the barmaid - ah'm looking to buy me a ranch- stations, you call them, so they tell me. Ah come from Texas and ah'm looking for a big spread because where I come from in Texas, everythang is BIG. Why, do you know, mah ranch in Texas is so big, it takes a whole week to ride around it on a horse?
- Yeah? - says a wizened station hand sitting at the bar.
- If we had a horse like that we'd turn it into glue.
Life of a Senior Citizen...
- I'm the life of the party...even when it lasts till 8 p.m.
- I'm very good at opening child-proof caps with a hammer.
- I'm usually interested in going home before I get to where I'm going.
- I'm good on a trip for at least an hour without my aspirin, beano, & antacid.
- I'm awake many hours before my body allows me to get up.
- I'm smiling all the time because I can't hear a word you are saying.
- I'm aware that other people's grandchildren are not as bright as mine.
- I'm so cared for: Long term care, Eye care, Private care, Dental care . . .
- I'm not grouchy, I just don't like traffic, waiting, crowds, children, politicians.
