Latest

Hear about the Amish couple that was getting a divorce after 55 years of marriage? The wife told the judge that her husband was "driving her buggy!"

A fellow dies, goes to hell, and is surprised when confronted by a room full of beautiful blondes and kegs of beer.

He asks a nearby demon if this is really hell, and what was so bad about the place.

- Well - said the demon - the kegs all have holes in the bottoms, and the blondes don't!

Imagine if major companies from all around the world started producing or sponsoring condoms. They would become fashionable and companies would probably advertise more openly.

Imagine the trademarks:

- Nike Condoms: Just do It

- Toyota Condoms: Oh what a feeling

- Ford Condoms: The ride of your life

- Sony Condoms: Do not underestimate the power of Sony

- Microsoft Condoms: Where do you want to go today?

- KFC Condoms: Finger Licking Good

- M&Ms Condoms: Melt in your mouth, not in your hands

- Coca-Cola Condom: The Real Thing

Now I lay me down to sleep, I pray my penis I will keep, And if I wake and it is gone, I hope to find it on the lawn.

I hope the dog that's running free, Doesn't see that little part of me, Many precautions I must take, To keep this part I love to shake.

Much attention I must pay, To assure I put the knives away, The mower, chain saw, the hatchet too, Why there's no telling what she'd do.

To rid me of my manly charm, I must keep it safe, away from harm, So I cross my fingers, as I close my eyes, and I cross my legs to avoid surprise!

- M: I know how to please a woman.

- W: Then please leave me alone.

- M: I want to give myself to you.

- W: Sorry, I don't accept cheap gifts.

- M: Your hair color is fabulous.

- W: Thank you. It's on aisle three at the corner drug store.

- M: You look like a dream.

- W: Go back to sleep.

- M: I can tell that you want me.

- W: Yes, I want you to leave.

Usually everyone who has a dog would call the dog Rover or something. I call mine "Sex". Sex is a very embarrassing name, but I never knew HOW embarrassing until one day I took Sex for a walk and he ran away from me. I spent hours looking for him. A police officer came along and asked me what I was doing in the alley at 4 o'clock in the morning. I said:

- I was looking for Sex.

My court case comes up next Thursday.

One day I went to City Hall to get a license for Sex. The clerk asked me what I wanted, I told him I wanted a license for Sex. He said:

- I would like to have one too! When I said:

- But this is a dog - he said he didn't care what she looked like. Then I said:

Old telephone books make ideal personal address books. Simply cross out the names and addresses of people you don't know.

Fool other drivers into thinking you have an expensive car phone by holding an old TV or video remote control up to your ear and occasionally swerving across the road and mounting the curb.

Lose weight quickly by eating raw pork and rancid tuna. I found that the subsequent food poisoning/diarrhea enabled me to lose 12 pounds in only 2 days.

Avoid parking tickets by leaving your windshield wipers turned to fast wipe whenever you leave your car parked illegally.

No time for a bath? Wrap yourself in masking tape and remove the dirt by simply peeling it off.

What do the female reindeer do when Santa takes the male reindeer out on Christmas Eve?
→ They go into town, and blow a few bucks.

Marriage

Getting married is very much like going to a restaurant with friends. You order what you want, then when you see what the other fellow has, you wish you had ordered that.

At the cocktail party, one woman said to another:

- Aren't you wearing your wedding ring on the wrong finger? - The other replied - Yes I am, I married the wrong man.

Man is incomplete until he is married. Then he's finished. Marriage is an institution in which a man loses his bachelor's degree and the woman gets her master's.

A little boy asked his father:

- Daddy, how much does it cost to get married? - And the father replied - I don't know, son, I'm still paying.

1. Men like to barbecue. Men will cook if danger is involved.
2. Men who have pierced ears are better prepared for marriage. They've experienced pain and bought jewelry.
3. If you buy your husband or boyfriend a video camera, for the first few weeks he has it, lock the door when you go to the bathroom. Most of my husband's early films end with a scream and a flush.
4. Be careful of men who are bald and rich; the arrogance of "rich" usually cancels out the nice of "bald."
5. Marrying a divorced man is ecologically responsible. In a world where there are more women than men, it pays to recycle.
6. Men are very confident people. My husband is so confident that when he watches sports on television…

Two guys were walking in the woods one day, and they all of a sudden came across a bear. The bear noticed them, and started growling and generally getting really mean.

The bear started to chase one of the guys, who, as it turns out, was from Czechoslovakia. The bear soon caught up with him, and ate him alive. The other guy turned around and ran for his life.

A little while later, the second guy found a park ranger station and told his story. The ranger took his gun, and they both went out in search of the bear, in order to destroy it.

Soon, they came across two bears, one male, and one female. The ranger turned to the other guy and said:

- Quick... tell me which bear ate your friend!

RELATIONSHIPS

First of all, a man does not call it a relationship. He refers to it as a romance, or a period of dating, of going out, or, in some unfortunate circumstances:

- that time when me and Suzie was doing it on a semi-regular basis.

When a relationship ends, a woman will cry, and pour her heart out to her girlfriends, and she will write a poem titled "All Men are Morons." Then she will get on with her life. A man has a little more trouble letting go. For six months, his ex may not hear from him, but then late on Saturday night/Sunday morning, he will call and say:

- I just wanted to let you know you ruined my life, and I'll never forgive you, and I hate you, and you're a total b**ch…

Ed and Fred were flying along when the two idiots crash-landed on a desert island.

- What should we do? - said Ed.

- Hmmm, let's think. - replied Fred.

Ed shook his head:

- No, let's do something you can do too!

One day when the teacher walked to the black board, she noticed someone had written the word 'penis' in tiny letters. She turned around, scanned the class looking for the guilty face. Finding none, she quickly erased it, and began her class.

The next day she went into the room, and she saw, in larger letters, the word 'penis' again on the black board. Again, she looked around in vain for the culprit, but found none, erased it and then proceeded with the day's lesson.

Every morning, for about a week, she went into the classroom and found the same disgusting word written on the board, each day's word, larger than the previous day's word.

1. Maternity leave would last two years....with full pay.
2. There would be a cure for stretch marks.
3. Natural childbirth would become obsolete.
4. Morning sickness would rank as the nation's #1 health problem.
5. All methods of birth control would be 100% effective.
6. Children would be kept in the hospital until toilet trained.
7. Men would be eager to talk about commitment.
8. They wouldn't think twins were so cute.
9. Sons would have to be home from dates by 10:00 PM.
10. Briefcases would be used as diaper bags.

There are LOTS of ways to ruin a date. Here are a few things NOT to say on a date...:

- I really don't like this restaurant that much, but I wanted to use this 2-for-1 coupon before it expired.

- I refuse to get cable. That's how they keep tabs on you.

- I used to come here all the time with my ex.

- Could you excuse me? My cat gets lonely if he doesn't hear my voice on the answering machine every hour.

- I really feel that I've grown in the past few years. Used to be I wouldn't have given someone like you a second look.

- And I won that trophy in the inter-fraternity belching contest.

- I know you said you don't eat anything with a face. But a good butcher will cut that part off for you if you…

I recently read that love is entirely a matter of chemistry. That must be why my wife treats me like toxic waste. - David Bissonette

A man is incomplete until he is married. After that, he is finished. - Zsa Zsa Gabor

I'm an excellent housekeeper. Every time I get a divorce, I keep the house. - Zsa Zsa Gabor

When a man steals your wife, there is no better revenge than to let him keep her. - Sacha Guitry

Marriage is like a cage; one sees the birds outside desperate to get in, and those inside desperate to get out. - Montaigne

After marriage, husband and wife become two sides of a coin; they just can't face each other, but still they stay together. - Hemant Joshi

- You can't be real. May I pinch you to see if I'm dreaming?

- Hey, didn't we go to different high schools?

- There's so much to say but your eyes keep interrupting me.

- If I could rearrange the alphabet, I'd put U and I together.

- At last! I finally found the perfect girl!

- A fool and his money are soon my boyfriend.

- Do your legs hurt from running in my dreams all night?

- Is it hot in here or is it just you?

- If I follow you home, will you keep me?

- The best way to hold a man is in your arms.

A Mexican bandit made a specialty of crossing the Rio Grande from time to time and robbing banks in Texas. Finally, a reward was offered for his capture, and an enterprising Texas ranger decided to track him down. After a lengthy search, he traced the bandit to his favorite cantina, snuck up behind him, put his trusty six-shooter to the bandit's head, and said:

- You're under arrest. Tell me where you hid the loot or I'll blow your brains out.

But the bandit didn't speak English, and the Ranger didn't speak Spanish.

Fortunately, a bilingual lawyer was in the saloon and translated the Ranger's message. The terrified bandit blurted out, in Spanish, that the loot was buried under the oak tree in…

WHY PEOPLE FALL IN LOVE

- One of the people has freckles and so he finds somebody else who has freckles too.

- No one is sure why it happens, but I heard it has something to do with how you smell .. That's why perfume and deodorant are so popular.

- I think you're supposed to get shot with an arrow or something, but the rest of it isn't supposed to be so painful.

ON WHAT FALLING IN LOVE IS LIKE

- Like an avalanche where you have to run for your life.

- If falling in love is anything like learning how to spell, I don't want to do it. It takes too long.

ON THE ROLE OF BEAUTY AND HANDSOMENESS IN LOVE

- If you want to be loved by somebody who isn't already in your family, it doesn't hurt to be…

Ok this idiot of the first order is invited for a game of golf for the first time, while in another country.

He's totally enamoured with the golf ball because he's never seen anything like it before so he carries like, 30 of them back home to give away as souveniers.

While passing through the customs on his way back, the customs officer who's perhaps a bigger idiot than this guy, notices his pockets bulging with all these golf balls and can't figure it out. So he asks our man:

- What the hell is all this?!

To which he replies:

- Oh they're just golf balls.

So the customs officer goes:

- Oh oh! You mean like tennis elbow?

An Ontarian wanted to become a Newfie (ie. a Newfoundlander). He went to a neurosurgeon and asked:

- Is there anything you can do to me that would make me into a Newfie?

- Sure, it's easy. - replied the neurosurgeon.

- All I have to do is cut out 1/3 of your brain, and you'll be a Newfie.

The Ontarian was very pleased, and immediately underwent the operation. However, the surgeon's knife slipped, and instead of cutting out 1/3 of the patient's brain, the surgeon accidentally cut out 2/3 of the patient's brain. He was terribly remorseful, and waited impatiently beside the patient's bed as the patient recovered from the anesthetic.

As soon as the patient was conscious, the neurosurgeon said to him:

A writer dies and reaches the Golden Gates where God gives him a choice to either go to Heaven or Hell. He finds it difficult to make up his mind so he asks God if he can have a little tour of both places.

God agrees and they first go to Hell where the writer sees rows and rows of writers, chained to their desks in an overheated room, being whipped if they stopped writing for a second by merciless editors and publishers. This really frightens the writer who then proceeds to Heaven hoping it'll be better.

In Heaven too he sees rows of writers, chained to their desks in an over heated room, being whipped mercilessly.

So he turns to God and says:

- But they're both the same!

To which God replies:

Little Red Riding Hood is skipping down the road when she sees the Big Bad Wolf crouched down behind a log.

- My what big eyes you have, Mr. Wolf. - says Little Red Riding Hood.

The surprised wolf jumps up and runs away!!!

Further down the road Little Red Riding Hood sees the wolf again, this time he is crouched behind a tree stump.

- My what big ears you have Mr. Wolf. - says Little Red Riding Hood.

Again the foiled wolf jumps up and runs away.

About 2 miles down the track, Little Red Riding Hood sees the wolf again, this time crouched down behind a road sign.

- My what big teeth you have Mr. Wolf. - taunts Little Red Riding Hood.

With that the Big Bad Wolf jumps up and screams:

Very Short Books...

1. Outdoor activities in Chernobyl
2. Hot Scenic Real-estate opportunities on top of Mt St. Helens
3. Investment opportunities in worm futures for the deceased
4. Ballerina lessons for men with size 13 or larger feet
5. Defensive Driving tips for the Blind
6. Contraceptive tips for Nuns
7. Delicious Beef Recipes for Hindus
8. Mutual Fund Investment strategies for compulsive gamblers
9. Cooking with Pork Fat for Vegetarians