Very Short Lists:
The little rascals were in class and the teacher was giving them a vocabulary lesson. The teacher said:
- Alfalfa, use the word love in a sentence.
Alfalfa replies:
- I love Darla.
The teacher said:
- Good...now Spanky your word is respect.
Spanky replies:
- I respect the way Alfalfa loves Darla.
The teacher said:
- Very good! Now Buckweat its your turn, your word is Dictate.
by Every guy in America
Joe Sensitive
- After I wash the dishes, let's cuddle, OK?
Also known as: Mr. Nice Guy, Family man, Honey, Darling, Snugglepup
Advantages: Well-behaved; irons own shirts
Disadvantages: Irritatingly compassionate, wimpy
Old Man Grump's
- People are stupid. The world can go to hell. Let's stay home and watch TV.
Also known as: Grumbles, Sour puss, Stick-in-the-mud, Old Fogy, Slow Mover,
Advantages: Stays put; predictable
Disadvantages: Royal pain in the ass
Ms. Nice Guy
- Tickets to the boxing match? Oh Darling, you shouldn't have
Also known as: What a gal, precious, one of the boys, my main squeeze, doormat
Advantages: Cheerful, agreeable, kindly
Disadvantages: May wise up someday
Old Yeller
- You G-D spineless good-for-nothing drag-ass no-talent son of a bitch! Can't you see you're making me miserable??
Also known as: She-Devil, Sourpuss, the Nag, My Old Lady, Warthog from Hell
Advantages: Pays attention to you
Disadvantages: Screeches, throws frying pans
A man buys several sheep, hoping to breed them for wool. After several weeks, he notices that none of the sheep are getting pregnant, and calls a veterinarian for help. The vet tells him that he should try artificial insemination.
The guy doesn't have the slightest idea what this means but, not wanting to display his ignorance, only asks the vet how he will know when the sheep are pregnant. The vet tells him that they will stop standing around and will instead lay down and wallow in the grass when they are pregnant.
The man hangs up and gives it some thought. He comes to the conclusion that artificial insemination means HE has to impregnate the sheep. So, he loads the sheep into his truck…
One day, a little boy, was outside in the backyard stomping on honeybees.
When his father came out and saw what the little boy was doing, he made him stop right away and told the little boy:
- That's it for you. No honey for a week.
Well, then the little boy went to the front yard of the house and started stomping on butterflies. When his father saw what Teddy was doing, he made him stop right away and said:
- Stomping on butterflies is a terrible thing to do. Just for that, no butter for a week.
After that, little boy and his father went into the kitchen and saw the little boy's mother stomping on cockroaches.
The little boy turned to his father and said:
- Should I tell her or should you?
- Good Afternoon, Ridge Hall, computer assistant; may I help you?
- Yes, well, I'm having trouble with WordPerfect.
- What sort of trouble?
- Well, I was just typing along, and all of a sudden the words went away.
- Went away?
- They disappeared.
- Hmm. So what does your screen look like now?
- Nothing.
- Nothing?
- It's blank; it won't accept anything when I type.
There were these three Eskimos in Alaska, and one time while they were at their local bar, they got to talking about how cold it was outside, and how cold their igloos were. They could agree on everything but whose igloo was the coldest, so they decided to determine who, indeed, had the coldest igloo.
They went to the first Eskimo's igloo, where he said:
- Watch this!
and poured a cup of water into the air. Well, the water froze in mid-air and fell onto the floor.
- Not bad - said the other Eskimos, but each maintained their igloo was colder still.
So they went to the second Eskimo's igloo, and he said:
- Watch this!
and took a big breath and exhaled, whereupon his breath froze into a big lump and…
How to identify where a driver is from...
- One hand on wheel, one hand on horn: New York
- One hand on wheel, one finger out window: Chicago
- One hand on wheel, one hand on newspaper, foot solidly on accelerator: Boston
- One hand on wheel, cradling cell phone, brick on accelerator: California (with gun in lap: L.A.)
- Both hands on wheel, eyes shut, both feet on brake, quivering in terror: Ohio, but driving in California.
- Both hands in air, gesturing, both feet on accelerator, head turned to talk to someone in back seat: Italy
- One hand on latte, one knee on wheel, cradling cell phone, foot on brake, mind on game: Seattle
- One hand on wheel, one hand on hunting rifle, alternating between…
A blonde was complaining to her friend about constantly being called a dumb blonde. Her friend tells her:
- go do something to prove them wrong! Why don't you learn all the state capitals or something?
The blonde thinks this is a great idea, and locks herself up for two weeks studying.
The next party she goes to, some guy is making dumb blonde comments to her. She gets all indignant and claims:
- I'm NOT a dumb blonde. In fact, I can name ALL the state capitals!
The guy doesn't believe her, so she dares him to test her.
He says:
- Okay, what's the Capital of Montana?
The blonde tosses her hair in triumph and says:
- That's easy! It's M!
21 TYPES OF PEOPLE YOU MIGHT MEET IN THE MEN'S ROOM!
- EXCITABLE: Shorts half twisted around, cannot find hole, rips shorts.
- SOCIABLE: Joins friends in piss whether he has to or not.
- CROSSEYED: Looks into next urinal to see how the other guy is fixed.
- TIMID: Can't piss if someone's watching, flushes urinal, comes back later.
- INDIFFERENT: All urinals being used, pisses in sink.
- CLEVER: No hands, fixes tie, looks around and usually pisses on floor.
- WORRIED: Not sure of where he has been lately, makes quick inspection.
- FRIVOLOUS: Plays stream up, down and across urinals, tries to hit fly or bug.
- ABSENT-MINDED: Opens vest, pulls out tie, pisses in pants.
The Yoko Club?
→ Oh no.
The German philosophy club?
→ I. Kant.
The Ford-Nixon club?
→ Pardon me?
The Arafat club?
→ Yessir.
The Alzheimer's club?
→ Forget it.
A guy is golfing with his pretty wife, who is a very poor golfer. On the first hole she sends the ball smashing through the window of a nearby house.
The couple goes to the house to investigate the damage and finds the door open. They go inside and found a man sitting on a couch next to the broken window. There is also a broken oil-lamp.
The husband asks:
- Did we break that too?
- Yes - replies the man.
- Sorry. Do you live here? - the husband asks.
- No, actually, I'm a genie. The man states:
- I was sleeping in that lamp when your golf ball smashed it. Now, I'm supposed to give you three wishes, but I'm keeping one for myself since you smashed my lamp. OK, what'll they be?
A woman's husband has died. After a few months, she decides she wants a new one. She submits a classified ad as follows:
- Widow looking for a new husband. To be considered, you must conform to these three criteria:
A few days later, the doorbell rings. She opens the door and a man without any arms and or legs is sitting in a wheel chair.
- Can I help you? - she says.
- I'm here about your ad in the paper.
- Which ad is that?
- The one looking for a husband.
The following are a sampling of REAL answers received on exams given by the California Department of Transportation's driving school.
Do you yield when a blind pedestrian is crossing the road?
→ What for? He can't see my license plate.
Who has the right of way when four cars approach a four-way stop at the same time?
→ The pick up truck with the gun rack and the bumper sticker saying, "Guns don't kill people. I do."
When driving through fog, what should you use?
→ Your car.
How can you reduce the possibility of having an accident?
→ Be too shit-faced to find your keys.
What problems would you face if you were arrested for drunk driving?
A woman and her daughter go to the store to get the daughter a Barbie. At the store, the daughter asks the lady working at the store if Barbie comes with Ken.
She replies:
- Oh no, Barbie only cums with GI Joe, she just fakes it with Ken.
It was New Year's Eve ... by then, actually, it was very early on New Year's morning. The drunk staggered out of the men's room and wobbled his way to the bar.
- I, uh, lll..., I'll ha-have anudder. Maske itta dubble.
The bartender looks him over and notices the vomit staining the front of the drunk's sharp looking suit.
- Buddy, it looks to me like you've had quite enough. Why don't you call it a night and go home.
The drunk protests...:
- N-n-no! I ca-can't. My, my wife, you, you see... She gammie this new shoot for Chrishmash. Iff she seez what Ife done to it... She, she's gunna kill m-me. Juss gimmie a doubble...
- Tell you what - the bartender says.
- You got any 20 dollar bills on you?
A middle-aged businessman took a young woman half his age as his wife. The fantasy of having a young woman in his bed soon became a nightmare when he found that he could not last long enough to satisfy his young bride.
His wife, as understanding as she was exciting, told him that all was well even if he was quick to get out of the saddle.
Determined to satisfy this sweet young thing, the man visited the doctor to get some advice:
- Doctor, I can't seem to hold back for very long when I make love to my young wife and I can't satisfy her. What can I do?
The doctor smiled, patted him on the shoulder, and said in a professional manner:
- Try a bit of self-stimulation before having intercourse with…
Military training: During camouflage training in Louisiana, a private disguised as a tree trunk had made a sudden move that was spotted by a visiting general.
- You simpleton! - the officer barked.
- Don't you know that by jumping and yelling the way you did, you could have endangered the lives of the entire company?
- Yes sir - the soldier answered apologetically.
- But, if I may say so, I did stand still when a flock of pigeons used me for target practice and I never moved a muscle when a large dog peed on my lower branches but when two squirrels ran up my pants leg and I heard the bigger say, 'Let's eat one now and save the other until winter' --- that did it!
One day, a guy dies and finds himself in hell. As he is wallowing in despair, he has his first meeting with the Devil.
- Devil: Why so glum?
- Guy: Why do you think? I'm in hell.
- Devil: Hell's not so bad. We actually have a lot of fun down here. You a drinking man?
- Guy: Sure I love to drink.
- Devil: We'll you're gonna love Mondays, then. On Mondays that's all we do. Drink, Drink, Drink. Whiskey, tequila, Guinness, wine coolers, diet tab... We drink until we throw up and then we drink some more.
- Guy: Gee, that sounds great.
- Devil: You a smoker?
- Guy: You better believe it.
- Devil: All right! You're gonna love Tuesdays. We get the finest cigars from around the world and smoke our lungs out…
What's the difference between snowmen and snowladies?
→ Snowballs.
It's the Spring of 1957 and Bobby goes to pick up his date. He's a pretty hip guy with his own car. When he goes to the front door, the girl's father answers and invites him in.
- Carrie's not ready yet, so why don't you have a seat?, - he says.
- That's cool - says Bobby.
Carrie's father asks Bobby what they're planning to do.
Bobby replies politely that they will probably just go to the soda shop or a movie.
Carrie's father responds:
- why don't you two go out and screw? I hear all the kids are doing it.
Naturally, this comes as a quite a surprise to Bobby - so he asks Carrie's Dad to repeat it.
- Yeah - says Carrie's father:
- Carrie really likes to screw; she'll screw all night if we let her!
A three-legged dog walks into a saloon in the Old West.
He sidles up to the bar and announces:
- I'm lookin' for the man who shot my paw.
A woman was in bed with her lover when she heard her husband opening the front door.
- Hurry! - she said:
- stand in the corner.
She quickly rubbed baby oil all over him and then she dusted him with talcum powder.
- Don't move until I tell you to - she whispered.
- Just pretend you're a statue.
- What's this, honey? - the husband inquired as he entered the room.
- Oh, it's just a statue - she replied nonchalantly.
- The Smiths bought one for their bedroom. I liked it so much, I got one for us too.
No more was said about the statue, not even later that night when they went to sleep.
