58 Actual Newspaper Headlines (collected by journalists)
You don't know Jack Schitt!
When someone says:
- You don't know Jack Schitt, well, now you'll know the entire story.
Jack Schitt was the only son of Owe Schitt and Awe Schitt. Owe Schitt, the fertilizer magnate, married Awe Schitt, who later ran a country hotel.. The Kneedeep Inn.
Jack Schitt eventually married Noe Schitt and together they produced six children.
Sadly, their first child, Holy Schitt, passed away shortly after birth. Next came twin sons, Deep Schitt and Dip Schitt. Then they had twin daughters, Fulla Schitt and Givva Schitt. Their last child was a son, Bull.
As time went on, Deep Schitt married Dumb Schitt, a high school dropout. Deep Schitt's twin brother, Dip Schitt, married…
Science definitions from Kids...
H2O is hot water, and CO2 is cold water.
To collect fumes of sulphur, hold a deacon over a flame in a test tube.
When you smell a oderless gas, it is probably carbon monoxide.
Water is composed of two gins, oxygin and hydrogin. Oxygin is pure gin. Hydrogin is gin and water.
Three kinds of blood vessels are: arteries, vanes, and caterpillers.
Blood flows down one leg and up the other.
Respiration is composed of two acts, first inspiration, and then expectoration.
The moon is a planet just like the earth, only it is even deader.
Artificial insemination is when the farmer does it to the cow instead of the bull.
The gene pool could use a little chlorine.
Time is what keeps things from happening all at once.
I didn't fight my way to the top of the food chain to be a vegetarian.
Women who seek to be equal with men lack ambition.
Your kid may be an honor student, but you're still an idiot.
If we aren't supposed to eat animals, why are they made with meat?
Few women admit their age and few men act theirs.
I don't suffer from insanity, I enjoy every minute of it.
It's lonely at the top, but you eat better.
LOVE: Two vowels, two consonants, and two fools.
A lady was a huge Paul MCCartney fan and wanted a tattoo of him on the inside of her thigh. She went to the parlour and told the guy what she wanted.
He says:
- OK, take your skirt and underwear off and sit in the chair with your legs apart.
She did that and he started on the tattoo. Pretty soon he's done, blows off the dust and admires his work.
- Who the heck's that? - she says.
- It's Paul McCartney - he replies.
- Doesn't look like him at all - says she.
- Now get it right or I'll report you.
So the tattooist starts on the other thigh. Really trying hard to do a better job. Finally he's done, blows off the dust and feels pretty good.
The woman is pissed off:
A man and a woman were having drinks when they got into an argument about who enjoyed sex more.
The man said:
- Men obviously enjoy sex more than women. Why do you think we're so obsessed with getting laid?
- That doesn't prove anything - the woman countered.
- Think about this - When your ear itches and you put your little finger in it and wiggle it around, then pull it out, which feels better-your ear or your finger?
Harry answers the telephone, and it's an Emergency Room doctor.
The doctor says:
- Your wife was in a serious car accident, and I have bad news and good news.
- The bad news is she has lost all use of both arms and both legs, and will need help eating and going to the bathroom for the rest of her life.
Harry says:
- My God!... What's the good news?
The doctor says:
- I'm kidding. She's dead!
A guy goes to buy a train ticket, and the girl selling tickets has an incredible set of jugs.
He says:
- Give me two pickets to Titsburgh...umm... I mean, two tickets to Pittsburgh.
He's really embarrassed...
The guy in line behind him says:
- Relax, pal. We all make Freudian slips like that. Just the other day at the breakfast table I meant to say to my wife, 'Please pass the sugar', but I accidentally said...'You fucking bitch, you wrecked my life!'
What do you call a military coup led by General Kitchy Kitchy?
→ Kitchy-kitchy-koo.
A man and his wife of more than 50 years were rocking back and forth on the front porch. Slowly they rocked in rhythm, as this was their time to spend a few quiet moments and after years of practice they rocked to the same pace.
Suddenly the wife stopped, grabbed her cane, and with a loud and hard WHACK hit her husband across the shins.
His eyes watered and tears ran down his cheeks. When he finally caught his breath he gasped and asked:
- What'd you do that fer?
- That's fer fifty years of bad sex - she said.
He nodded his head, but said nothing. Slowly they began to rock again. Again they kept pace. Back and forth, back and forth they rocked, until suddenly the man stopped, and picked up his…
Two boll weevils grew up in South Carolina.
One went to Hollywood and became a famous actor. The other stayed behind in the cotton fields and never amounted to much.
The second one, naturally, became known as the lesser of two weevils.
A mushroom walks into a bar, sits down and orders a drink.
The bartender says:
- We don't serve mushrooms here.
The mushroom says:
- Why?! I'm a fun guy!
Joe was sitting in his favorite bar having a few beers after work, when a beautiful woman sat down next to him. She looked vaguely familiar, but he couldn't quite place her.
- Hi, Joe - she said.
- I haven't seen you in a long time.
Joe was puzzled.
- Charlie, is that you? What are you doing dressed up like a woman?
- Well, Joe. It's a long story, but the bottom line is that I always felt like a woman trapped in a man's body, so I finally decided to do something about it. After a number of operations, I am now a woman.
Joe was initially shocked, but after admiring Charlie's breasts, he said:
- Damn, Charlie, I bet it was pretty painful to have those implants put in.
A mangy looking guy who goes into a bar and orders a drink. The bartender says:
- No way. I don't think you can pay for it.
The guy says:
- You're right. I don't have any money, but if I show you something you haven't seen before, will you give me a drink?
The bartender says:
- Only if what you show me ain't risque.
- Deal! - says the guy and reaches into his coat pocket and pulls out a hamster. He puts the hamster on the bar and it runs to the end of bar, down the bar, across the room, up the piano, jumps on the key board and starts playing Gershwin songs. And the hamster is really good.
The bartender says:
- You're right. I've never seen anything like that before. That hamster is truly good on…
Once upon a time there was an elderly gentleman who was suffering from Alzheimer's. His wife of 40 years loved him very much, but she couldn't handle him any longer. He would wander about never knowing where he was or sometimes even who he was. She took him to a nursing home.
At the nursing home, while the wife was filling out paperwork, a nurse had the gentleman sit in a chair. Suddenly the man starting slowly leaning to his left. The nurse ran over and put a pillow on his left side to prop him up.
A few minutes later, he started leaning to his right.
Again, the nurse ran over and put a pillow on his right side.
Then he starting leaning forward.
A soldier goes into the hospital for surgery after being wounded in battle.
Waking up from the anesthesia he sees his doctor standing at his bedside.
- So tell me Doc, what did you do to me?
The doctor says:
- Son, we have some good news and some bad news.
- Yeah, what? - replies the patient.
- Well the good news is that we were able to save your private parts.
- Yes, that is good news Doc, but what about the bad news?
- We put them under your pillow!
What the world is like in TV land:
- Drop Kick Me, Jesus, Through The Goalposts Of Life
- Get Your Tongue Outta My Mouth 'Cause I'm Kissing You Goodbye
- Her Teeth Were Stained, But Her Heart Was Pure
- How Can I Miss You If You Won't Go Away?
- I Changed Her Oil, She Changed My Life
- I Don't Know Whether To Kill Myself Or Go Bowling
- I Flushed You From The Toilets Of My Heart.
- I Keep Forgettin' I Forgot About You
- I'm Just A Bug On The Windshield Of Life
- I've Been Flushed From The Bathroom Of Your Heart
This guy goes into a restaurant for a Christmas breakfast while in his home town for the holidays.
After looking over the menu he says:
- I'll just have the eggs benedict.
His order comes a while later and it's served on a huge fancy chrome plate.
He asks the waiter:
- What's with the fancy plate?
The waiter replies:
- There's no plate like chrome for the hollandaise!
Very early one morning two birds are sitting at the side of a large puddle of oil. They see a worm on the other side.
So... the one flies over and the other one swims through-which one gets to the worm first?
The one who swam, of course, because:
- Da oily boid gets da woim.
Yo mamma's armpits are so hairy, it looks like she got Don King in a headlock!
A neutron goes into a bar and asks the bartender:
- How much for a beer?
The bartender replies:
- For you, no charge.
Two molecules are walking down the street and they run in to each other.
One says to the other:
- Are you all right?
- No, I lost an electron!
- Are you sure?
- I'm positive!
The finals of the National Poetry Contest last year came down to two finalists. One was a Duke University Law School graduate from an upper crust family; well-bred, well-connected, and all that goes with it. The other finalist was a redneck from Southeast Alabama A&M.
The rules of the contest required each finalist to compose a four-line poem in one minute or less, and the poem had to contain the word "Timbuktu".
The Duke graduate went first. About thirty seconds after the clock started he jumped up and recited the following poem:
Slowly across the desert sand
Trekked the dusty caravan.
Men on camels, two by two
Destination-Timbuktu.
The audience went wild!!! How, they wondered, could the redneck…
