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What would you find in Superman's bathroom?
→ Superbowl.

What do you get when something gets caught in your Zippo?
→ Zippo Marx.

The local bar was so sure that its bartender was the strongest man around that they offered a standing $1000 bet.

The bartender would squeeze a lemon until all the juice ran into a glass, and hand the lemon to a patron. Anyone who could squeeze one more drop of juice out would win the money.

Many people had tried over time (weightlifters, longshoremen, etc.) but nobody could do it.

One day this scrawny little man came in, wearing thick glasses and a polyester suit, and said in a tiny, squeaky voice:

- I'd like to try the bet.

After the laughter had died down, the bartender said OK, grabbed a lemon, and squeezed away. Then he handed the wrinkled remains of the rind to the little man.

It is truly astonishing what happens in Bible stories when they are retold by young scholars around the world...

In the first book of the Bible, Guinessis, God got tired of creating the world, so He took the Sabbath off. Adam and Eve were created from an apple tree. Noah's wife was called Joan of Ark. Noah built an ark, which the animals came on to in pears. Lot's wife was a pillar of salt by day, but a ball of fire by night.

The Jews were a proud people and throughout history they had trouble with the unsympathetic Genitals. Samson was a strongman who let himself be led astray by a Jezebel like Delilah. Samson slayed the Philistines with the axe of the apostles.

How the Bible would have been different if written by college students:

• Loaves and Fishes replaced by Pizza and Chips
• Ten Commandments are actually only five, but because they are double-spaced and written in a large font, they look like ten.
• Forbidden fruit would have been eaten because it wasn't dorm food.
• Paul's Letters to the Romans become Paul's E-Mail to the Romans.
• Reason Cain killed Abel: They were roommates.
• The place where the end of the world occurs, not the Plains of Armageddon, rather Finals.
• Tower of Babel blamed for Foreign Language requirement.
• Reason why Moses and followers walked in desert for 40 years: They didn't want to ask directions and look like a Freshman.

Did you hear about the war between Newfoundland and Nova Scotia?

The Newfies were lobbing hand grenades; the Nova Scotians were pulling the pins and throwing them back.

A Canadian is walking down the street with a case of beer under his arm. His friend Doug stops him and asks:

- Hey Bob! Whacha get the case of beer for?

- I got it for my wife, eh. - answers Bob.

- Oh! - exclaims Doug.

- Good trade!

In Canada we have two Seasons...six months of winter and six months of poor snowmobiling.

One day an Englishman, an American, and a Canadian walked into a pub together. They proceeded to each buy a pint of Molson Canadian. Just as they were about to enjoy their beverage three flies landed in each of their pints.

The Englishman pushed his beer away from him in disgust.

The American fished the offending fly out of his beer and continued drinking it as if nothing had happened.

The Canadian picked the fly out of his drink and started shaking it over the pint, yelling...:

- SPIT IT OUT, SPIT IT OUT YOU BASTARD!!!

God would like to thank you for your belief and patronage. In order to better serve your needs, He asks that you take a few moments to answer the following questions.

Please keep in mind that your responses will be kept completely confidential, and that you need not disclose your name or address unless you prefer a direct response to comments or suggestions.

1. How did you find out about God?

• Newspaper
• Other Book
• Television
• Divine Inspiration
• Word of mouth
• Near Death Experience
• Bible

What's the smart thing to do if a Dallas Cowgirl touches you?
→ Touchback.

What's the major cause of divorce?
→ Once is not enough.

TEST:

DO NOT SKIP AHEAD. Read this message ONE LINE AT A TIME and just do what it says. You will be glad you did. If not, you'll feel like an idiot and wish you had listened.

1. pick a number from 1-9
2. subtract 5
3. multiply by 3
4. square the number (multiply by the same number -- not square root) and if it's negative make it positive.
5. add the digits until you get only one digit (i.e. 64=6+4= 10= 1+0=1)
6. if the number is less than 5, add five. Otherwise subtract 4.
7. multiply by 2
8. subtract 6

A woman is in bed with her lover who also happens to be her husband's best friend. They make love for hours, and afterwards, while they're just laying there, the phone rings. Since it is the woman's house, she picks up the receiver. Her lover looks over at her and listens, only hearing her side of the conversation... (She is speaking in a cheery voice)

- Hello? Oh, hi. I'm so glad that you called. Really? That's wonderful. I am so happy for you. That sounds terrific. Great! Thanks. Okay. Bye bye.

She hangs up the telephone and her lover asks:

- Who was that?

- Oh - she replies.

- That was my husband telling me all about the wonderful time he's having on his fishing trip with you.

Bill Clinton made up a list of things he can say to his secretaries so they will know what he really wants, but everyone else will ignore.

So one day, he hires a new secretary, and then calls her over the intercom:

- Hello Ms., could you please come in here and fix my clock.

Of course, she innocently agreed. She walked into the office, and looked around.

- Where's the clock sir? - she asked.

Suddenly, the president stood up and dropped his pants.

- That's not a clock Mr. Clinton ! - she exclaimed.

- It will be - he replied.

- Once you put two hands and a face on it !.

Now I lay me down to sleep, from the nightstand buttons beep.

PC all set to download a file, and send the mail in a little while.

Then gather the news before the dawn, and all the scores from fans long gone.

The AC is set to cut back on cool; Lights to blink, the burglars to fool.

Alarm clock set on delayed shutoff; CD to play some, then cutoff.

Sleep-maker set on medium tension, Voice mail set on no-wake suspension.

Burglar alarm on delay activate; Carport lite on, for son who's late.

Mr. Coffee all set to percolate; Dishwasher to run at ten of eight.

Air purifier cleans each hour tonite; Water filter to fill the tank just right.

VCR to tape three good shows, Something to watch during winter snows.

What would king Henry VIII be doing if he was alive right now?
→ Scratching at the lid of his coffin of course!!!

A preacher who wanted to raise money for his church was told there was a fortune in horse racing, so he decided to buy a horse and enter it in a race. However, at the local auction the going price for horses was so steep that he ended up buying a donkey instead. He figured, however, that since he had it he might as well go ahead and enter it in the races. To his surprise, in the first race his mule came in second. The next day the racing sheets carried this headline:

PREACHER'S ASS SHOWS

The preacher was so pleased that he entered the mule in another race. This time it won and the paper said:

PREACHER'S ASS OUT IN FRONT

The bishop was so upset with this kind of publicity that he ordered the…

A woman had two female parrots who were always yelling:

- We're prostitutes, wanna have a little fun?

She was talking to her Preacher one day about this. He said he had two male parrots and all they did was read the Bible. He thought perhaps they would be a good influence on the two females. So they put the four parrots together.

So, the females yelled at the male parrots:

- We're prostitutes, wanna have a little fun?

One male parrot said to the other:

- Put the Bibles away! We've made it to heaven!

Two priests and a rabbi were discussing what portion of the weekly collection they kept for themselves.

The first priest explained that he drew a circle on the ground, stepped a few paces back and pitched the money towards the circle. What landed in the circle he kept and what landed outside the circle God kept.

The second priest claimed that his method was almost the same, except that what landed outside the circle went to the priest and the money that landed inside the circle God kept.

The rabbi said:

- I've got you both beat. I throw ALL the money into the air, and what God wants, God takes!

An Irish priest and a Rabbi found themselves sharing a compartment on a train.

After a while, the priest opened a conversation by saying:

- I know that, in your religion, you're not supposed to eat pork... Have you actually ever tasted it?

The Rabbi said:

- I must tell the truth. Yes, I have, on the odd occasion.

Then the Rabbi had his turn of interrogation. He asked:

- Your religion, too... I know you're supposed to be celibate. But....

The priest replied:

- Yes, I know what you're going to ask. I have succumbed once or twice.

There was silence for a while. Then the Rabbi peeped around the newspaper he was reading and said:

Did you hear about the African missionary that gave some cannibals their first taste of religion?

A French guest, staying in a hotel in Edmonton phoned room service for some pepper.

- Black pepper, or white pepper? - asked the concierge.

- Toilette pepper!

One day a priest and a nun went golfing.

The first hole the priest missed an extremely easy putt. He shouted:

- Damn, missed again.

The nun, shocked, warned him:

- God will get you for that.

The next hole the same thing occurred. After the priest screamed:

- Damn It! Missed again - the nun repeated her warning:

- God will get you for that!

On the third hole, the priest again missed, and cursed, but before the nun could repeat her warning, A bolt of lightning came down from the heavens and struck the nun dead.

A deep voice from the clouds boomed out:

Two nuns walk into a liquor store and one asked the clerk for the biggest bottle of Irish whisky he had.

The clerk replied:

- Heck no sister, you nuns and aren't supposed to drink that stuff!

The nun said:

- Well my son it is not for us you see, it is for Mother Teresa - then the nun whispers - She has the constipation.

The clerk said:

- Oh, in that case, it's on the house. Here's the biggest jug we have.

The nuns thank him, bless him, and leave.

A few hours later, as the clerk is leaving, he sees the same two sisters in the parking lot, rolling around and drinking the Irish whiskey. Appalled he goes over to them and says:

- You ladies lied to me! You told me it was for Mother Teresa for her…