There was a guy who was struggling to decide what to wear to go to a fancy costume party.
Then he had a bright idea.
When the host answered the door, he found the guy standing there with no shirt and no socks on... just a pair of pants.
- What the hell are you supposed to be? - asked the host.
- A premature ejaculation - said the man:
- I just came in my pants!
There was a mine in a small town that completely collapsed. One of the engineers who miraculously survived the disaster went into the local watering hole. The bar was empty except for one lonely soul at the other end of the bar.
- Hey bartender - said the Engineer:
- I'll have a beer and pour another one for my friend down at the end there.
The bartender responded:
- I'm sorry sir but that guy's a commie and we don't serve his kind around here.
- Well, you'd better because if it weren't for that guy, I wouldn't be here. You remember that mine that caved in, well I was in that mine and so was that guy. When the last of us were escaping, he held the roof of the mine up with his head! So get him a…
Sid and Barney head out for a quick round of golf. Since they are short on time, they decide to play only 9 holes. Sid offers Barney:
- let's say we make the time worth the while, at least for one of us, and spot $5 on the lowest score for the day.
Barney agrees and they enjoy a great game. After the 8th hole, Barney is ahead by 1 stroke, but cuts his ball into the rough on the 9th.
- Help me find my ball, you look over there - he says to Sid.
After 5 minutes, neither has had any luck, and since a lost ball carries a four-point penalty, Barney pulls a ball from his pocket and tosses it to the ground.
- I've found my ball! - he announces triumphantly.
Sid looks at him forlornly:
A tourist wanders into a back-alley antique shop in San Francisco's Chinatown. Picking through the objects on display he discovers a detailed bronze sculpture of a rat.
The sculpture is so interesting and unique that he picks it up and asks the shop owner the price.
- Twelve dollars for the rat, sir - says the shop owner.
- and an extra thousand dollars more for the story behind it.
- You can keep the story, old man - he replies.
- but, I'll take the rat.
The transaction complete, the tourist leaves the store with the bronze rat under his arm. As he crosses the street in front of the store, two live rats emerge from a sewer drain and fall into step behind him.
A man was helping one of his cows give birth, when he noticed his 11-year-old son standing wide-eyed at the fence, soaking in the whole event.
The man thought:
- Great...he's 11 and now I'm gonna have to start explaining the birds and bees. No need to jump the gun - I'll just let him ask, and I'll answer.
After everything was over, the man walked over to his son and said:
- Well son, do you have any questions?
- Just one Dad - gasped the still wide-eyed lad.
Just as the father is preparing his birds and bees story, his son asks:
- How fast was that calf going when he hit that cow?
An American has sex with a Soviet emigre woman and catches a strange venereal disease (this time, a green ring around the base of the penis). The patient goes to a doctor who says he's never seen anything like it, but his penis would probably have to be amputated.
The patient then goes to another doctor, who also doesn't know anything about this decease, but thinks the amputation is indicated. Deeply distressed, the patient decided to go to a Soviet emigre doctor, figuring he may be familiar with this V. D.
Indeed, the Soviet emigre doctor says:
- I know this decease! Your American doctors always want to cut. Don't do anything. Two week later, prick fall off by himself!
- An acher of bacteriologists
- A murmur of cardiologists
- A stain of cytotechnologists
- A rash of dermatologists
- A speck of forensic pathologists
- A poke of gynecologists
- A vessel of heart surgeons
- A clot of hematologists
- A nursery of obstetricians
- A dose of pharmacists
There was an old man whom, though loved by his son, was being put into an old-folks home because the son could not provide the round-the-clock care the old man required.
- Don't leave me here to die alone here! - the old man said, when the day finally came.
- Now dad - said the son.
- we discussed this, and you know its the best thing for you. I'll visit twice a week, and you can always pick up the phone and give me a call.
So the son left, and the old man was put to bed. He immediately grabbed the phone and called his son.
- You've got to come get me. This is a terrible place; the nurses all ignore me, the food's terrible, and I'm so alone!
Yo momma is so stupid it took her 2 hours to watch 60 minutes!
Yo momma so stupid that she tried to put M&M's in alphabetical order.
Yo momma so stupid she thinks a quarterback is a refund.
Yo momma so stupid she took a ruler to bed to see how long she slept.
Yo momma so stupid she got stabbed in a shoot out.
Yo momma so stupid she stole free bread.
Yo momma so stupid she took a spoon to the superbowl.
Yo momma so stupid she took the Pepsi challenge and chose Jif.
What does a screen door and a blonde have in common?
→ The more you bang it the looser it gets!
An American has sex with a Soviet emigre woman. The next day his prick turns black. He runs to a doctor and asks:
- Doctor, is this some weird venereal disease?
- Worse - says the doctor.
- It's frostbite!
A completely inebriated man walked into a bar and, after staring for some time at the only woman seated at the bar, walked over to her, placed his hand up her skirt and began fondling her.
She jumped up and slapped him silly.
He immediately apologized and explained:
- I'm sorry. I thought you were my wife. You look exactly like her.
- Why you drunken, worthless, insufferable asshole! - she screamed.
- That's funny - he muttered.
- you even sound exactly like her too!
Ten Recruits had just arrived at the training camp and were lined up for inspection.
- Hey johnson! - yelled the drill instructor.
- those are the ugliest shoes i've ever seen!
- Yes, sir - the young man answered.
- Those shoes are really really ugly, right? - hollered the D.I again.
- Yes, sir!
- And that hair- dont they have barbershops where you came from?
- Yes, sir - answered the recruit.
- So why didnt you get a haircut?
- I was saving up for shoes, sir!
Rules To Live By...
Grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, The courage to change the things I cannot accept, And the wisdom to hide the bodies of those people I had to kill today because they pissed me off. Also, help me to be careful of the toes I step on today, as they may be connected to the ass that I may have to kiss tomorrow.
This man is waiting for his wife to deliver his first child. When the doctor comes out of the operating room, he comes up to him and asks to see his wife and baby.
- I have something to tell you... Your baby has got no legs...
- Oh... I guess it's still my son. Let me see it.
- He's got no arms either...
- That bad, uh? I have to see it!
- And he's got no trunk either... No head... Actually, it's only an ear...
- ... He's still my son, take me to him now.
Then they go in a sterile room where a nurse carries in a cradle with a huge ear in it.
- My son!!! Flesh of my flesh!!! Blood of my blood!!!
- Louder...he's deaf too!!!
A woman has just started to play golf when she gets stung on the arm by a bee. She rushes back to the clubhouse, hoping to find a doctor. She asks:
- Is anyone here a doctor.
One guy, who was pretty drunk, stands up and says:
- I'm a doctor, what can I help you with?
- I've been stung by a bee.
- Oh really, where?
- Between the first and second hole
- Well, first of all, your stance is too wide...
Little Johnny goes to school, and the teacher says:
- Today we are going to learn multi-syllable words, class. Does anybody have an example of a multi-syllable word?
Little Johnny waves his hand:
- Me, miss, me, me!
Teacher says:
- All right, little Johnny, what is your multi-syllable word?
Little Johnny says:
- Mas-tur-bate.
Teacher smiles and says:
- Wow, little Johnny, that's a mouthful.
Mr. Smith was brought to a Catholic hospital, and taken quickly in for heart surgery. The operation went well and, as the groggy man regained consciousness, he was reassured by a Nun, who was waiting by his bed.
- Mr. Smith, you're going to be just fine - said the nun, gently patting his hand.
- We do need to know, however, how you intend to pay for your stay here. Are you covered by insurance?
- No, I'm not - the man whispered hoarsely.
- Then can you pay in cash? - persisted the nun.
- I'm afraid I cannot, Sister.
- Well, do you have any close relatives? - the nun questioned sternly.
- Just my sister in New Mexico - he volunteered.
- But she's a humble spinster nun.
