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My brother-in-law goes into a restaurant, buys a coffee and sits down to drink it. He looks on the side of his cup and finds a peel off prize. He pulls off the tab and yells:

- I WON! I WON! I WON a motor home; I WON a motor home!

The waitress runs over and says:

- That's impossible. The biggest prize given away was a mini van!

My brother-in-law replies:

- No. I WON A motor home, I WON a motor home!

By this time the manager makes his way over to the table and says:

- You couldn't possibly have won a motor home because we don't have that as a prize!

Once again, my brother in-law says:

- No, no mistake, I WON a motor home, I WON a motor home!

What's the difference between Michael Jackson and a grocery bag?
→ One is made of plastic and is dangerous for children to play with... The other is used to carry groceries.

There once was a man named Dave,
who found a dead whore in a cave.

She was ugly as shit
and missing one tit,
but think of the money he saved!

Jack was walking around when he noticed a ladder that went up into the clouds. After climbing the first cloud he met a stinky, unattractive woman who said:

- Have sex with me or climb the ladder to success.

Jack chose to climb the ladder.

At the next cloud he met a slightly better looking woman who said:

- Have sex with me or climb the ladder to success.

Figuring it only gets better, Jack chose to climb the ladder some more.

At the next cloud, he met a very attractive woman who said:

- Have sex with me or climb the ladder to success.

Things were getting better the higher he got, so Jack chose to climb the ladder even more.

At the fourth cloud, he met the most gorgeous woman to ever grace the…

A man and his wife were at the breakfast table when he suddenly remembered that it was their 50th Anniversary.

- Guess what, darling - he said:

- Fifty years ago today you and I were wed.

- And we ate our first honeymoon breakfast at this very table - she said.

- We were naked as jaybirds, remember? - he blushed.

- Oh yes - she giggled:

- Why don't we take off our clothes right now?

- All right.

They stripped to the buff and stared at one another across the table.

- Oooh, darling - she said:

What is a dyslexic agnostic insomniac?
→ Someone who lays awake at night wondering if there really is a dog.

TOP 10 REASONS FISHING IS BETTER THAN SEX...

10. LASTS FROM DAWN TILL DUSK
11. YOU HAVE YOUR OWN SECRET HOLE
12. ALLOWED SEVERAL FISH DAILY
13. CAN CHOOSE THE LENGTH OF YOUR ROD
14. CAN FISH ANY TIME OF THE MONTH
15. YOU CLEAN IT BEFORE YOU EAT IT
16. ABLE TO TAKE A NAP WHILE YOU FISH
17. THE COST OF BAIT IS CHEAPER THAN A DATE
18. YOU CAN ALWAYS THROW IT BACK

A little boy asked his father:

- Daddy, how much does it cost to get married?

And the father replied:

- I don't know son, I'm still paying!

- First guy (proudly): My wife's an angel!

- Second guy: You're lucky, mine's still alive.

There's this couple and they've been dating for quite some time. He wants her really bad, but she won't sleep with him because she's saving herself for marriage. As they were kissing, and doing their thing, he's very hot and bothered, and he said:

- Oh come on, just a feel.

She said:

- No, I'm saving myself for marriage.

They went back and forth. He said:

- Just one feel, I promise, that's all, just one feel.

She finally agreed:

- Okay, just one feel, but that's all, just one, I'm saving myself for marriage.

So he puts his hand down her panties and takes a little feel. Things are getting a lot warmer and he asks:

- Can't we please?

A guy walks into a bar with a dog under his arm, puts the dog on the bar and announces that the dog can talk and that he has $100 he's willing to bet anyone who says he can't.

The bartender quickly takes the bet and the owner looks at the dog and asks:

- What's the thing on top of this building which keeps the rain from coming inside?

The dog answers:

- ROOF.

The bartender says:

- Who are you kidding? I'm not paying.

The dogs owner says:

- How about double or nothing and I'll ask him something else.

The bartender agrees and the owner turns to the dog and asks:

How do you get a blond out of a tree?
→ Wave

How do you drown a blond?
→ Stick a scratch and sniff sticker on the bottom of the toliet and tell her to sniff.

What is the diference between a blond and a mosquito?
→ A mosquito knows when to stop sucking.

When can you tell witch cars a blond's car?
→ The stick shift is wet.

What's the difference between a womens track team and a tribe of pigmee's?
→ The pigmee's are a bunch of cunning runts.

A farmer is sitting in the neighborhood bar getting soused. A man comes in and asks him:

- Hey, why are you sitting here on this beautiful day getting drunk?

- Farmer: Some things you just can't explain.

- Man: So what happened that's so horrible?

- Farmer: Well, today I was sitting by my cow milking her. Just as I got the bucket about full, she took her left leg and kicked over the bucket. Some things you just can't explain.

- Man: Ok, but that's not so bad.

- Man: So what happened then?

- Farmer: I took her left leg and tied it to the post on the left.

- Man: and then?

- Farmer: Well, I sat back down and continued to milk her. Just as I got the bucket about full, she took her right leg and kicked…

Basic Rules for Cats Who Have a House to Run

1. CHAIRS AND RUGS: If you have to throw up, get into a chair quickly. If you cannot manage in time, get to an Oriental rug. If no Oriental rug is available, shag is good.
2. DOORS: Do not allow closed doors in any room. To get a door opened, stand on hind legs and hammer with forepaws. Once door is opened, it is not necessary to use it.
   After you have ordered an outside door opened, stand halfway in and out and think about several things, This is particularly important during very cold weather, rain, snow, and mosquito season.
3. GUESTS: Quickly determine which guest hates cats the most. Sit on that human's lap. If you can, arrange to have "Friskies…

The Perfect Dump - Every once in a while, each of us experiences a perfect dump, it's rare, but a thing of beauty in all respects. You sit down expecting the worst, but what you get is a smooth sliding, fartless masterpiece that breaks the water with the splashless grace of an expert diver. But that's not the end of it. You use some toilet tissue only to find that it was totally unnecessary. It makes you feel that all is right with the world and you are in perfect harmony with it.

The Beer Dump - Talk about nasty dumps. Depending on the dumper's tolerance, the beer dump is the end result of too many beers. It could have been 2 or 22, it doesn't matter. What you get is a sinister, lengthy…

My fiance still has feelings for his old girlfriends. I'm afraid he will not be faithful.
→ A man's capacity to love is boundless. It has been proven to increase with the number of sexual partners. Thus, by having a few other women, your partner is really increasing his love for you. Best thing to do is to buy him a nice, expensive present, and cook him a nice meal and don't mention this aspect of his behavior.

My husband has too many nights out with the boys.
→ This is perfectly natural behaviour - and it should be encouraged. The man is a hunter and he needs to prove his prowess with other men. Far from being pleasurable, a night out with the boys is a stressful affair, and to get back to…

If you get caught sleeping on the job, here's some quick excuses!

- It's okay...

- I'm still billing the client.

- They told me at the blood bank this might happen.

- This is just a 15 minute power-nap like they raved about in the last time-management course you sent me to.

- I was working smarter, not harder.

- Whew! Guess I left the top off the liquid paper

- I wasn't sleeping! I was meditating on the mission statement and envisioning a new paradigm!

- This is one of the seven habits of highly effective people !

- I was testing the keyboard for drool resistance

Where do the Ku Klux Klan buy there sh-sh-sheets?
→ At the k-k-k Mart.

A man was praying to God. He said:

- God!?

God responded:

- Yes?

And the guy said:

- Can I ask a question?

- Go right ahead, - God said.

- God, what is a million years to you? - God said.

- A million years to me is only a second.

- Hmmm, - the man wondered.

One Sunday a pastor told his congregation that the church needed some extra money and asked the people to prayerfully consider giving a little extra in the offering plate. He said that whoever gave the most would be able to pick out three hymns.

After the offering plates were passed, the pastor glanced down and noticed that someone had placed a $1,000 bill in offering. He was so excited that he immediately shared his joy with his congregation and said he'd like to personally thank the person who placed the money in the plate.

A very quiet, elderly, saintly lady all the way in the back shyly raised her hand. The pastor asked her to come to the front. Slowly she made her way to the pastor.

Three cowboys, a Texan, a Californian, and an Oregonian, were sitting around a campfire smoking, drinking and having a good time. The Texan takes a full bottle of the finest tequila, throws it up in the air and shoots it to pieces. The Californian and Oregonian are clearly dismayed at that show, and ask:

- Now what'd you go and do THAT for?

The Texan just drawled:

- Where I come from, we got a lot of those.

Not to be outdone, the Californian reaches in his saddle bag and pulls out a full bottle of the best Californian wine there is. He throws the bottle in the air, whips out his gun, and shoots it to pieces. The Oregonian and the Texan both groan, but the Californian is quick to point out:

A guy's driving down a country road when he comes upon a sign saying "Apples - $5.00 each." He thinks that that is a lot of money so he decides to go see what's up.

He goes up to the farmer and says:

- Hey, how come these apples are 5 bucks each?

The farmer replies:

- They are peanut butter and jelly apples.

The farmer hands him one and says:

- Here, try one.

So the man takes a bite out of the apple and says:

- Peanut butter - that's great, but I thought you said that they were peanut butter and jelly apples.

The farmer tells the man to turn it around. The man bites the other side and exclaims:

A businessman enters a tavern, sits down at the bar, and orders a double martini on the rocks. After he finishes the drink, he peeks inside his shirt pocket, then orders the bartender to prepare another double martini. After he finishes that it, he again peeks inside his shirt pocket and orders the bartender to bring another double martini.

The bartender says:

- Look, buddy, I'll bring ya' martinis all night long - but you gotta tell me why you look inside your shirt pocket before you order a refill.

The customer replies:

- I'm peeking at a photo of my wife... When she starts to look good, I know it's time to go home.

Your mama is like a pool table, 25 cents and she'll rack your balls.

An old woman in a Nursing Home looks up one day to find an elderly man looking down on her. She smiled and asked him what he wanted.

- To get straight to the point, I know we are old and can no longer pleasure in sexual activity, but I was wondering if you would help me.

- Of course, - she smiled.

- I was wondering if we could take a wander down to the park and if your could hold my penis for a while.

The old woman saw no harm in it, so she agreed. Since then they made it a regular occurence, and every day the 2 elderly people sat on the park bench and she held his penis.

One day, the woman went to the bench, but the man was not there. Feeling hurt, she looked around for him. To her amazement…