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There's this guy and he lives in the second largest state in America, which is California, and he want's to live in the largest state of America which is Alaska.

So he goes there for a few weeks and decides he wants to become a fully-fledged Alskan, so he goes in this pub to ask a bar man what he has to do to become a fully fledged Alaskan.

The barnabs say's:

- First you drink this liter of whisky, then you've got to kill a bear, and find a woman and rape her.

The guy gets confused, so he asked the barman to repeat it.

He comes back a week later beaten to shit.

- What happened to you? - said the barman.

- I'm nearly a fully fledged alaskan, all I gotta do now is kill a woman!

What's the longest word?
→ Smiles!

Why?
→ Because it has a mile in it!

Your momma so stupid, when I told her it was chilly outside she ran out with a spoon!

When God created the earth, Adam & Eve, he found he had two baubles left over. He came to Adam & Eve & said:

- I have two things left. One is the gift to piss while standing up.

Adam got very excited:

- Oh, that would be so great, I would really like that. If I'm out in the fields, I can just go right there.

So Eve smiled & said:

- Okay, it sounds like he really wants that.

As Adam tried out his new gift, he asked out of curiousity:

- What was the other gift?

- Oh - God said, looking:

- Multiple orgasms.

There was a blonde driving a ferrari. A cop pulls her over for speeding, the cop asks:

- can I see your license and registration please!

The blonde responds:

- license and registration what is that?

The cop respnds:

- you will find your license in your purse and registration in your glove compartment.

The cop gets the license and registration and goes back to the car, and he calls dispatcher and reports it. The dispatcher replies:

- this wouldnt be a blonde in a ferrari would it?

The cop replies:

- yes it is.

A wealthy young Wall Street stockbroker was admiring his physique nude before the mirror one day. The picture was perfectly toned and buffed except for the lack of a tan. So, he flew to California for the weekend to get a tan.

Back in his luxurious New York condo, he stripped bare to get another look at his own great beauty. He was shocked to see that he had a little white triangle in a strategic location. Well, that just wouldn't do!

The next weekend, he flew back to his favorite beach in California. He found a secluded, quiet spot and stripped off his attire and laid down on the sand. Then he proceeded to cover up all his body with the sand, except for the part that was a tiny white…

A young English woman, Polly Martin, met and fell in love with a Yank during WWII. He was a reporter and battlefield artist attached to the military. His name was Wally Woodword and whenever there was any battlefield action Wally would make quick sketches on the front lines which he would later turn into proper drawings from which he wrote his reports.

Now, Polly and her friend Susan worked for the Ministry of Defense as did many young English women and the department they worked in was one that allowed them to know a lot of interesting information - including the exact date of the Normandy Invasion.

The day before the invasion Polly was telling Susan that she planned to spirit her reporter…

Little miss muffet... sat on her tuffet... eating her kurds and way.

Along came a spider, who sat down beside her, and said:

- hey, whatsin the bowl bitch?!

What did the black baby say to its mother when it had diarrhea?
→ "Mommy, I'm melting!!!"

How do you keep an idiot in suspense?

One night, a cabby picked up a nun. While he was driving, the cabby suddenly started to laugh insanely.

- Why are you laughing? - asked the nun.

- Oh, It's nothing - said the cabby.

- No, really - said the nun:

- I won't mind.

So the Cabby told her:

- Well, It's really silly but I've always had this fantasy of having a blow job done by a nun.

- Well then, whats your name? - the nun asked.

- Robert

- Are you married?

What kind of cereal do cats eat?
→ Mice Crispies!

Yo mamma's so stupid she got trapped in a bathroom and wet her pants!

A site foreman had ten very lazy men working for him, so one day he decided to trick them into doing some work for a change.

- I've got a really easy job today for the laziest one among you - he announced.

- Will the laziest man please put his hand up.

Nine hands went up.

- Why didn't you put your hand up? - he asked the tenth man.

- Too much trouble - came the reply.

Three friends died and went to heaven. The first friend, Sarah, was the first one to go into the pearly gates and meet "God".

- Hello Sarah, it is so nice to see you here - God said to her.

- Please make yourself at home and do whatever you want. Slide down the rainbows, sleep on the clouds, just have fun. BUT DON'T Step on the ducks - God said.

- We love and cherish ducks here.

So, Sarah goes on her merry way and enjoys herself. Until OPPS! She steps on a duck. Suddenly the ugliest, most hideous man pops up and Sarah realized she must spend the rest of her life with him.

Next, Olivia goes into the pearly gates and God tells her the same thing:

- Do whatever you want, just DON'T step on the ducks.

Why was Tigger lickin' the toilet?
→ Cause he was lookin' for Pooh!

A lady went skiing and halfway down the hill had to go to the bathroom. No facilities nearby, she decided to find a sheltered area, dropped her pants and proceeded to relieve herself.

Suddenly she found herself beginning to slide backwards. Out into the open and down the slope with her pants around her knees. She crashed and broke her leg.

The paramedics rushed her to the local hospital. Her doctor walked into her room laughing his head off. He said:

- You're not going to believe this, but the guy in the next room claims he fell off the ski lift and broke his leg because he saw a naked lady skiing backwards down the mountain!

- So, how did you break YOUR leg??

An old sailor goes to a brothel, where he chooses his girl and begins.

- How am I doing? - he asks.

- Three knots - she replies.

- Three knots? What's that mean?

- You're not hard, you're not in, and you're not getting your money back.

In order to streamline the handling of problems within the system. Please fill out the following questionnaire before sending it in for Help. With your co-operation we should be able to provide faster and more efficient fault resolution.

COMPUTER PROBLEM REPORT FORM

1. Describe your problem:
2. Now, describe the problem accurately:
3. Speculate wildly about the cause of the problem:
4. Problem Severity:
   (A) Minor [ ]
   (B) Minor [ ]
   (C) Minor [ ]
   (D) Trivial [ ]

Why did the rabbit cross the road?
→ Chicken's day off!

What's the difference between a drug dealer and a prostitute?
→ A prostitute can wash her crack and sell it again.

• Windows - A danger zone for Fido.
• Modem - A good way to get rid of weeds.
• Mouse - Something the cat chases.

After a meeting with the Pope, Bill Clinton held a press conference and announced that they had a very successful conference and had agreed on about 60% of what they discussed.

When asked what they discussed, Clinton replied:

- The Ten commandments.

You've all seen the sentimental MasterCard commercials. Well, finally there is a MasterCard commercial targeted just for men:
(No offense ladies - just enjoy it for what it's worth)

- Cover charge: $15.00

- Round of drinks: 23.00

- Table dance: $30.00

- Another round of drinks: $23.00

- Couch dance and tips: $50.00

- A round of shots: $34.00

- Private dance in your hotel room: $300.00

Send her on her way and never have to hear her complain:

There was a brunette, a blonde, and a redhead and they were in the third grade. Who had the biggest tits?
→ The blonde, because she was 18.