Capitalism, Socialism, and Communism have a meeting for tea at noon.
Capitalism and Communism arrive on time, but Socialism is nowhere to be found. Finally he arrives, out of breath and apologetic.
- I'm sorry - says Socialism - I was standing in line for sausage.
Capitalism says:
- What's a line?
And Communism says:
- What's a sausage?
What happens when you have:
What do a redneck divorce and a tornado have in common?
→ Either way somebody loses a trailer home!
You know you're a redneck if your wife wants to take a bath but you have to move the transmision from the tub first.
You know you're a red neck when you go to family reunions to pick up chicks!
If you've been married three times and your in-laws aint changed then you might just be a redneck.
If a sign reads say no to crack and you pull up your pants then you might just be a redneck.
You know you are redneck when you mow your lawn and find a car.
You know you are redneck when your favorite shirt is illegal in more then 15 states.
You know you are redneck when you shut your car door and your gun makes…
A black guy and a puerto rican guy are both in a car...who's driving?
A Cop!!!
A man arrives at the Pearly Gates and finds that St. Peter is not there, but a computer terminal is sitting next to the arch. He walks up to it and sees:
- Welcome to www.Heaven.com. Please enter your User ID and Password to continue.
He doesn't have either, but underneath the fields is a small line reading:
- Forgot your ID or Password? Click Here.
So he does.
Up pops a screen which reads:
- Please enter at least two of the following, and your pasword and ID will be e-mailed to you.
The fields include "Name," "Date of birth," "Date of death," and "Favorite Food."
The man enters his name and date of birth, and clicks "Submit."
Up pops another screen which reads:
A drunk stumbles into a confessional.
The priest hears him come in, but then he doesn't hear anything, so the priest knocks on the wall.
The drunk says:
- Forget it, buddy, there's no paper in this one, either!
Two old ladies were waiting for a bus and one of them was smoking a cigarette. It started to rain, so the old lady reached into her purse, took out a condom, cut off the tip and slipped it over her cigarette and continued to smoke.
Her friend saw this and said:
- Hey that's a good idea! What is it that you put over your cigarette?
The other old lady said:
- It's a condom.
- A condom? Where do you get those?
The lady with the cigarette told her friend that you could purchase condoms at the pharmacy. When the two old ladies arrived downtown, the old lady with all the questions went into the pharmacy and asked the pharmacist if he sold condoms.
What is the difference between the Titantic and Bill Clinton?
→ They know how many people went down on the Titantic!!
A woman realizes her son has not yet gotten out of bed for school.
She goes into his bedroom and tells him to get up or he will miss breakfast.
- No - the son replies.
- I don't wanna go to school!
- You HAVE to go to school - the mother scolds.
- No! The kids are mean to me, the teachers don't like me, and the lunches are icky.
- You WILL go to school, young man - the mother warns.
- Why? Why do I have to go to school today? - the son asks.
The mother is about to lose her patience.
- Because you're the principal, now get out of bed!
President Clinton was seen walking around the White House one day recently. Laying across one shoulder was a pair of ladies nylon panties.
Nervously one White House Aide approach the President and asked about the panties.
- Oh those - Replied the President.
- I'm trying to quit. That's the patch.
How do you make a Kleenex dance?
→ Put a little boogie in it.
There is a drunk driver. He goes and hits a car with a woman driving it. Whos fault is it?
→ The Woman's, she should of never left the kitchen!
I put a blank cassette tape in my tape stereo last night and turned the volume all the way up....the mime next door went nuts!
I had skylights installed at my place the other day...the people that live upstairs are really mad!
- Knock Knock
- Who's there?
- Ida
- Ida who?
- Ida know.
The blonde reported for her University final examination which consists of "yes/no" type questions.
She takes her seat in the examination hall, stares at the question paper for five minutes, and then in a fit of inspiration takes her purse out, removes a coin and starts tossing the coin and marking the answer sheet - Yes for Heads and No for Tails. Within half an hour she is all done whereas the rest of the class is sweating it out.
During the last few minutes, she is seen desperately throwing the coin, swearing and sweating.
The moderator, alarmed, approaches her and asks what is going on:
- I finished the exam in half and hour. But - she says - I am rechecking my answers!
So, this penguin goes into a bar and says to the barman "have you seen my brother?"... and the barman says "I don't know, what does he look like?" (ba-dum-tish)
A priest walked into a barber shop in Washington, D.C. After he got his haircut, he asked how much it would be. The barber said:
- No charge. I consider it a service to the Lord.
The next morning, the barber came to work and there were 12 prayerbooks and a thank you note from the priest in front of the door.
Later that day, a police officer came in and got his hair cut. He then asked how much it was. The barber said:
- No charge. I consider it a service to the community.
The next morning, he came to work and there were a dozen donuts and a thank you note from the police officer.
Then, a Senator came in and got a haircut. When he was done he asked how much it was. The barber said:
If a man speaks in the forest and there is no woman there to hear him, is he still wrong?
3 elderly gentlemen were sitting on a park bench discussing what the meanest animal in the world was.
The first said:
- The meanest animal in the world is a Hippopotamus, cause it's got such big jowls. One bite and your gone.
The second shook his head and said:
- Nah, hippo may be mean, but ain't nothing meaner than an alligator. He got a big mouth and all them teeth, snap ?, one bite, ha, one swallow, you gone.
The third gentleman sat for a moment, and finally he spoke and said:
- No sir, the meanest aninmal in the world is a hippagator.
The other two in disbelief inquired as to what in the world is a hippagator, believing there was no such animal.
The gentleman slowly began to explain:
What did the lion say when he saw two hunters in a jeep?
→ Meals on Wheels!
Anna's mother has 3 kids... the youngest daughter's name is Penny... the middle daughter's name is Nickel....... What is the oldest daughter's name?
You think you know it???
Aww.. a smart one you are! You were probably thinking her name was Dime.... but if you were really smart you would know that the oldest daughters name is Anna!!!
What do you tell a woman with two black eyes?
→ Nothing, somebody already told her twice!!!!
Did you hear about the new computer virus?
It's called the "Lorena Bobbit Virus".
Apparently, it turns your hard drive into a 3 1/2 inch floppy!
One night, at a party, The host asked his guests:
- How many here believe in ghosts?
Everyone put up their hand.
- How many have seen ghosts?
A lot of people put up their hand.
- How many have touched a ghost?
Five people put up their hands.
- How many have had sex with a ghost?
One person put up their hand.
- Well then - said the host.
