Degrees (Fahrenheit)
65 degrees: Hawaiians declare a two-blanket night
60 degrees: Californians put on sweaters (if they can find one)
50 degrees: Miami residents turn on the heat
45 degrees: Vermont residents go to outdoor concerts
40 degrees: You can see your breath
Californians shiver uncontrollably
Minnesotans go swimming
35 degrees: Italian cars don't start
32 degrees: Water freezes
Your Momma's so fat, the National Weather service had to label her body parts!
A priest and a Nun were lost in the desert, riding on a camel. All of a sudden, the camel dies, and their only transportation is gone.
The nun and the Priest are now doomed to die, and they decide to just sit and talk and confess some things...during their conversations, they come across the subject of sex.
The Nun then shyly speaks:
- I am a virgin, and have never seen what is between a man's legs.
So the Priest, being pretty confident about his size, whips it out, and tells her:
- This is a tool...the tool that gives life.
The nun thinks for awhile, and says:
- well then Mr, how about you shove that thing up that dead camel's ass!
Why was the bee flying around with his legs crossed?
→ He couldn't find a BP station!
What goes 99 click?
→ A centipede with a wooden leg.
What do the Pope and the Rams both appearing in the St. Louis Trans World Dome have in common?
→ They both feature 3 million people saying 'Jesus Christ!'
Why do the Vikings play in a Dome?
→ Because even God can't stand to watch!
Why did God give women legs?
→ So that they wouldn't leave tracks like snails!
Why do bald men have holes in their trouser pockets?
→ So they can run their fingers through their hair!
There was a guy in a bar one night that got really drunk, I mean really, really, really drunk. When the bar closed he got up to go home.
As he stumbled out the door, he saw a nun walking on the sidewalk. So he stumbled over to the nun and punched her in the face. The nun was really surprised but before she could do or say anything he punched her again.
This time she fell down and he stumbled over to her and kicked her in the side, then he picked her up and threw her into a wall. By this time the nun was pretty weak and couldn't move very much.
So then he stumbled over to her, put his face right next to hers and said........
- Not very freakin' strong tonight, are you Batman!
Stallone, Tony Danza, and Arnold Swarzanagger are all going to be in a musical about famous composers.
Stallone wants to be Mozart, Danza says he'll be Bethoven, and Swarzanagger says:
- I'll be Bach!
Always give 100% at work.......
- 12% on Monday
- 23% on Tuesday
- 40% on Wednesday
- 20% on Thursday
- 5% on Fridays
And remember .......
When you're having a really bad day and it seems like people are trying to piss you off, remember it takes 42 muscles to frown and only 4 to extend your finger and flip them off.
Now get back to work!
There's this young couple, Louise and Al, they've been married for about a year, and the bride isn't getting any sex. Just about every night hubby comes home, has a shower, gets changed and goes down to the pub. She's getting increasingly rampant as the days go on, but each night she is disappointed.
Al comes home every night completely hammered and unfit for sexual activity. One particular night when Al gets in from work, Louise is seated provocatively on the sofa, wearing the skimpiest dress she has, suspenders, stockings, and very sexy lace panties and bra.
As is always the case, Al comes home runs upstairs, gets ready and goes to the pub. Once again Louise is rejected, so she sits back…
A Blonde was down on her luck. In order to raise some money, she decided to kidnap a kid and hold him for ransom. She went to the playground, grabbed a kid, took him behind a tree, and told him:
- I've kidnapped you.
She then wrote a note saying:
- I've kidnapped your kid. Tomorrow morning, put $10,000 in a paper bag and put it under the pecan tree next to the slide on the north side of the playground. Signed, A Blonde.
The Blonde then pinned the note to the kid's shirt and sent him home to show it to his parents. The next morning the Blonde checked, and sure enough, a paper bag was sitting beneath the pecan tree. The Blonde opened up the bag and found the $10,000 with a note that said:
What do you call a dead athiest?
→ All dressed up and no place to go!
If there was an animal called Yabba Dabba, and if you decided keep it as a pet it your back yard, you will eventually step in Yabba Dabba Doo!
An Ancient Greek man walks into a tailor and holds up a torn tunic.
- Tailor: Euripides? (You-rip-e-dees)
- Man: Eumenedes?? (You-men-e-dees)
(Say it quickly, it works!)
Heard about the dyslexic pimp?
→ He bought a warehouse!
An old man and old woman had been married for about 52 years when one day the old woman died. The entire family showed up to the funeral.
Every day after the funeral the old man would show up at the grave with his dog and spend a few minutes out there. About two months later a priest saw the old man out there with his dog and decided to go talk to the old man.
- Hello there. You know, we see you come out here every day to visit your wife's grave and we just think that so sweet. We were all wondering if the dog is something that was special to your wife since you always bring it out here with you.
- No, actually I bring the dog out here to pee on the grave. I'd do it myself, but I'd get…
How did Moses part the Red Sea?
→ With a seesaw!
You're in a room with no doors and no windows, and all you have is a baseball bat. How do you get out?
→ Strike 1! Strike 2! Strike 3! You're out!
Can You name 3 Cars that start with P?
→ Nope, they all start with Gas!
In a restroom at IBM's Watson Center, a supervisor had placed a sign directly above the sink. It had a single word on it -- "THINK!"
The next day, when he went to the restroom, he looked at the sign and right below, immediately above the soap dispenser, someone had carefully lettered another sign which read -- "THOAP!"
A neutron walks into a bar, and asks for a drink.
The bartender serves it up, and the neutron asks:
- Hey - how much?
Bartender replies:
- For you - no charge!
Why are Australians like kiwifruit?
→ Because they are rough on the outside, green on the inside..... and too many of them will give you the shits!
