Latest

What's the difference between the dinosaur and a dragon...?
→ Dinosaurs are too young to SMOKE!

At the edge of the forest there was a somewhat mediocre wizard. He is there to help the animals of the forest with some of their daily problems. One day a toad hops in.

The toad says:

- Oh wizard, please help me. I was born with a yellow penis.

- I've told you animals, I can't help you with any big problems - responds the wizard.

- You'll have to go see the Wizard of Oz.

So the toad hops off on his merry little way. But in not too long an elephant enters the wizards pad.

- Oh wizard, please help me. I was born without a trunk - the elephant begins.

Now the wizard is infuriated:

- Don't you stupid animals ever listen!!! Take your damn big problems to the wizard of Oz!

The elephant responds:

- Baby Jim: Mommy, does God use our toilet?

- Mom: No Jim, what made you ask?

- Baby: Every morning, Daddy goes up to the toilet and says:

- Oh God! Are you still in there!

Four nuns are driving to market and get hit by a drunk driver and all four nuns die. They get in line to go through pearly gates and wait for St. Peter to admit them.

St. Peter goes to the nuns and says:

- I realize that you are sisters of the cloth, but I must ask you if you have anything to report to me that might be a sin.

The sisters thought for a while and the first nun went to St. Peter:

- I once touched a man's penis with this finger.

St. Peter thought for a while and said:

- I'm sure it was in the line of duty; Place your finger in that holy water and swirl it around.

She did as she was instructed and "PING" she was in.

The second nun went to St. Peter and said:

Hey bob,

- Will you rember me tomorrow??

- Yes

- Will you rember me next week??

- Yes

- Will you rember me next month??

- Yes

- Will yoiu rember me next year??

- Yeah

- Knock Knock

A Ukraine businessman who bought a pager for each member of his staff as a New Years gift, was so alarmed when all 50 of them went off at the same time that he drove his car into a lamp post, a newspaper said Thursday.

The unnamed businessman was returning from the pager shop when the accident happened, the Fakty daily reported.

"With no more than 100 meters to go to the office, the 50 pagers on the back seat suddenly burst out screeching.

The businessman's fright was such that he simply let go of the steering wheel and the car ploughed into a lamp post."

After he had assessed the damage to the car, the businessman turned his attention to the message on the 50 pagers. It read: "Congratulations…

5-year-old Nicholas was sitting on a department store Santa's lap and told him:

- My name's the same as yours.

Santa's helper blows his cover when he says:

- Well, hello, Harold!

A hospital patient, recovering from minor surgery, was being given an alcohol rubdown by two of the hospital's more attractive nurses.

While manipulating the man's body they noted that the word "tiny" was tattooed on the head of his penis.

Some months after the man's discharge, Mary, one of the nurses, told Joan, the other, that she had dated their former patient.

- How could you go out with a man that had 'tiny' tattooed on his love stick? - exclaimed Joan.

- How could I indeed! - said Mary.

- It said 'tiny' when it was soft, but when aroused, it spelled: 'Tiny's Delicatessen & Catering Service. We deliver at all times, twenty-four hours a day!!!'

A blonde walks into an electronics store and points to something behind the clerk.

- How much is that television set? - she asks.

- Sorry, we don't sell to blondes - the clerk said.

So, the girl walks out. The next day, she returns wearing a brown wig. She again approaches the clerk and asks:

- How much is that television set behind you?

The clerk replies:

- Sorry, we don't sell to blondes.

Again, the girl walks out.

She again tries the next day, this time wearing a red wig. She goes up to the clerk and asks:

- How much is that television set behind you?

A man and a woman were in 2 different cars. The man was going up the mountainside. The woman was going down the mountainside. Then the woman yells out - "Pig!". The man then yells back - "Hoe!" They both continue on, until the man smashes his car into a pig!

How do you make 5 lbs. of fat attractive?
→ Put a nipple on it.

Suggestions for Guys Golfing or Using A Public Bathroom:

- Back straight, knees bent, feet shoulder width apart.

- Form a loose grip.

- Keep your head down.

- Avoid a quick backswing.

- Stay out of the water.

- Try not to hit anyone.

- If you are taking too long, please let others go ahead of you.

- Don't stand directly in front of others.

- Quiet please!... while others are preparing to go.

Yo mamma's so nasty, I was havin phone sex with her and I got an ear infection!

A man has a car wreck and they have to amputate his brain.

So the nurse takes him to the brain transplant wearhouse.

On one side of the shelves are lined with brains marked $500.00 each. On the other side the shelves are lined with brains marked $200.00 each.

The brainless man asks why the price differece.

The nurse points to the $200.00 brains and explains that these are female brains, so they've been used.

The Madam opens the brothel door to see an elderly man standing in the doorway. His clothes are all dishevelled and he looks...well, "needy".

- Can I help you? - the Madam asks.

- I want Natalie - the old man replies.

- Sir, Natalie is one of our most expensive ladies. Perhaps someone else...?

- No. I want Natalie.

Just then, Natalie appears and tells the old man that she charges $ 1,000 per hour. Without so much as a blink he reaches into his pocket and pulls out ten crisp new $ 100 bills. The two go up to her room for an hour, whereupon he calmly leaves.

The next night the old man appears again demanding Natalie. Natalie explains that no one had ever come back two nights in a row, that there…

A little girl and her mother were shopping. The girl asks her mother:

- How old are you?

Mommy says:

- Honey, women don't talk about their age, you'll learn later on in life.

The girl then asks:

- Mommy, how much do you weigh?

Mommy says:

- That's another thing women don't talk about, you'll find out when you are grown up.

The girl still wanting to know about her mother asks:

- Mommy, why did you and daddy get a divorce?

A chicken and a horse were playing in a meadow. The horse falls into a mud hole and is sinking. He calls to the chicken to go and get the farmer to help pull him to safety. The chicken runs to the farmer but the farmer cannot be found. So she drives the farmer's BMW back to the mud hole and ties some rope around the bumper. She then throws the other end of the rope to her friend, the horse, and drives the car forward saving him from sinking. A few days later the chicken and the horse were playing in the meadow again and the chicken fell into the mud hole. The chicken yelled to the horse to go and get some help from the farmer. The horse said:

- No, I think I can stand over the hole.

A man has to leave the country on business and he entrusts with his best friend the job of keeping an eye on his wife. If anything out of the ordinary should occur, he was to be notified immediately.

After about a week of no news the business man received a telegram: "The man who comes to visit your wife every night didn't show up yesterday..."

Buckwheat and Darla were in school and the teacher asked Darla:

- How do you spell 'dumb'?

Darla says:

- d-u-m-b, dumb.

The teacher says:

- Very good. Now use it in a sentence.

She responds:

- Buckwheat is dumb.

- Now spell 'stupid'.

Darla says:

Ron and James had been camping together for a week when they finally had enough of each other, so Ron had an idea for the two to wake up early the next day and hike in opposite directions for the day and meet at the campground for dinner. James agreed.

So around 6 the next evening they meet up. Ron says:

- I hiked north and came up to a beautiful spring, I swam for a few hours, then stretched out on the shore to dry and I watched a deer drink from the spring... it was so wonderful.

James said:

- Wow, you had a good day. I went south and ran into some railroad tracks, I followed them east until I came across a woman tied to the tracks, I untied her and we had sex in every imaginable way all day.

A snail goes into a bar and orders a beer.

The barman says:

- Sorry we don't serve snails - and throws him out.

A couple of weeks later the snail goes into the bar again and says...:

- What did you do that for!

An Amish boy and his father were visiting a mall. They were amazed by almost everything they saw, but especially by two shiny, silver walls that could move apart and back together again.

The boy asked his father:

- What is this, Father? The father [never having seen an elevator] responded:

- Son, I have never seen anything like this in my life, I don't know what it is.

While the boy and his father were watching wide-eyed, an old lady in a wheel chair rolled up to the moving walls and pressed a button. The walls opened and the lady rolled between them into a small room. The walls closed and the boy and his father watched small circles of lights with numbers above the walls light up.

Bill & Hilary Clinton are on a sinking ship, who gets saved?
→ The nation!

The phrase "rule of thumb" is derived from an old English law which stated that you couldn't beat your wife with anything wider than your thumb.

What is the difference between 'like' and 'love'?
→ Spit and swallow!