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Why did Mrs. Tomatoe turn red ?
→ She saw Mr. Green Pea !

Why don't women need to wear watches?
→ Theres a clock on the oven!

The math teacher saw that little Johnny wasn't paying attention in class. She called on him and said:

- Johnny! What are 4, 2, 28 and 44?

Little Johnny quickly replied:

- NBC, CBS, HBO and the Cartoon Network!

Three best friends are at the corner bar on a Friday night as usual. One of them is an Italian, one is Black and the other is Jewish.

They are sitting around drinking some beers, and they make a wager. They bet who can make love to their wife and make her scream the longest. They agree to return next week and compare.

Next week, they all arrive at the bar at the usual time with smiles on their faces. The Italian guy says:

- I definitely won. I took my wife out to dinner, bought her roses, then took her home and made love to her. She screamed for an hour.

The black guy says:

- Man, that's nothin'. I cooked dinner for my wife, and for dessert I poured honey all over her and made love to her like…

Something to ponder... Do the workers at the Lipton factory get a coffee break?

A blonde went to a flight school insisting she wanted to learn to fly.

As all the planes were currently in use, the owner agreed to instruct her by radio on how to pilot the solo helicopter.

He took her out, showed her how to start it and gave her the basics, and sent her on her way. After she climbed 1000 feet, she radioed in:

- I'm doing great! I love it! The view is so beautiful, and I'm starting to get the hang of this.

After 2000 feet, she radioed again, saying how easy it was to fly. The instructor watched her climb over 3000 feet, and was beginning to worry that she hadn't radioed in.

A few minutes later, he watched in horror as she crashed about half a mile away.

You know that Storks bring babys of course.
What kind of bird definitely does not bring babys?
→ Swallows!

How can you tell when an elephant has been in your refrigerator?
→ Footprints in the butter!

Remember when........

A computer was something on TV
from a science fiction show of note
a window was something you hated to clean
and ram was the cousin of a goat
Meg was the name of my girlfriend
and gig was a job for the nights
now they all mean different things
and that really mega bytes
An application was for employment

You know how Princess Diana and Mother Theresa died around about the same time? Well they both went up to heaven. St. Peter met them at the entrance to the pearly gates. He said:

- You both must show me something to prove your worth, going into heaven.

Mother Theresa went first. She walked up to St. Peter and lifted her habit and flashed her breasts at him.

He said:

- okay. Princess Di?

Princess Di smiled and walked over into the corner, did a squat and pissed. St. Peter gave it careful consideration.

Finally he decided:

- Princess Di. You're in. Sorry Mother Theresa, but a Royal Flush, beats two of a kind!!!!!

Your momma's so fat the only time she sees "90210" is when she's on a scale.

Two guys are bungee-jumping one day. The first guy says to the second:

- You know, we could make a lot of money running our own bungee-jumping service in Mexico.

The second guy thinks this is a great idea, so the two pool their money and buy everything they'll need - a tower, an elastic cord, insurance, etc.

They travel to Mexico and begin to set up on the square. As they are constructing the tower, a crowd begins to assemble. Slowly, more and more people gather to watch them at work.

The first guy jumps. He bounces at the end of the cord, but when he comes back up, the second guy notices that he has a few cuts and scratches. Unfortunately, the second guy isn't able catch him, he falls again…

Three women always hang their laundry out in the backyard. When it rains, however, the laundry always get wet. All the laundry, that is, except for Sophie's. The other two women wonder why Sophie never has her laundry out on the days that it rains.

So one day, they are all out in the backyard putting their clothes on the line when one of the women says to Sophie:

- Say, how come when it rains, your laundry is never out?

- Well - says Sophie - when I wake up in the morning, I look over at Saul. If his penis is hanging over his right leg, I know it's going to be a great day, and I can hang out the wash. If his penis is hanging over his left leg, I know it's going to rain, so I don't hang out…

One fall day, Dave was out raking leaves when he noticed a hearse going down the street, followed by another hearse, followed by a man walking solemnly along, followed by a dog, and then about 200 men walking in single file.

Intrigued, Dave went up to the man following the second hearse and asked who was in the first one:

- My wife - the man replied.

- I'm sorry - said Dave.

- What happened to her?

- My dog bit her and she died.

Dave was taken aback.

- And who's in the second hearse?

- My mother-in-law. My dog bit her too and she died as well.

Dave asked:

One day some guys were doing a survey between "boxers" or "briefs".

They went to a 25 year old man and said:

- boxers or briefs? - He said briefs.

They went to a 40 year old man and said:

- boxers or briefs? - He said boxers.

Then they went up to a 80 year old man and said:

- boxers or briefs?

And the old man replied:

- depends?

What do you call a buncha Blondes in a freezer???
→ Frosted Flakes

Yo Mommas so fat that even Richard Simmons makes fun of her!!!!

There was a hooker with a bunch of other hookers. The police came, and said for all of the girls to line up.

Then the hooker's gramma came and said:

- Why are all of you girls lined up?

The girl didn't want her gramma to know what she did for a living so the girl said:

- We're lined up to buy oranges

The police talked to every girl individually, and when they got to gramma the police said:

- How do you do it, you're so old?!?

Gramma says:

- It's easy, just peel it down and suck it dry!

What does the left leg of a nymphomaniac say to her right leg?
→ Nothing, they have never met.

Two guys, of limited intelligence, were on a ship that sank in the middle of the ocean. They managed to inflate a rubber life raft and grab a box of provisions before their ship slipped under the surface.

After floating under blazing heat, for 6 days, they ran out of food and water. On the 10th day, bleary eyed and half dead from heat, thirst and starvation, they spotted a small object floating toward them in the water. As it drew near, they were ecstatic to find that it was an old oil lamp (the kind that genies come in).

They grabbed the lamp and rubbed it. Out popped a tired old genie who said:

- OK, so you freed me from the stupid lamp, but hey, I've been doing this 3-wishes stuff for a…

A blonde and a brunette were watching the 11:00 pm news. The current news story was about a man up on a ledge and threatening to jump, when the station cuts to a commercial.

- Brunette: I bet you $20 he's going to jump.

- Blonde: OK.

(Back to newscast: He jumped!)

- Blonde: OK. I lost. Here's my $20 to you.

- Brunette: No, that was too easy. I can't take it.

- Blonde: I insist. I lost.

- Brunette: I have a confession to make. I saw the same thing on the 6:00pm news and I knew he jumped. So it wasn't really a good bet.

- Blonde: I know. I saw the same newscast at 6 too. But I didn't think he would be stupid enough to jump TWICE!

What protection does a nymphomaniac use during sex?
→ A bus shelter.

A guy walks into a pub and sees a sign hanging over the bar:

• Cheese Sandwich: $1.50
• Chicken Sandwich: $2.50
• Hand Job: $10.00

Checking his wallet for the necessary payment, he walks up to the bar and beckons to one of the three exceptionally attractive blondes serving drinks to an eager-looking group of men.

- Yes? - she inquires with a knowing smile - can I help you?

- I was wondering - whispers the man - are you the one who gives the hand jobs?

- Yes - she purrs - I am.

The man replies:

- Well wash your hands, I want a cheese sandwich!

There was a man who entered a local paper's pun contest.

He sent in ten different puns, in the hope that at least one of the puns would win.

Unfortunately, no pun in ten did.

Once upon a time there lived a woman who had a maddening passion for baked beans. She loved them but unfortunately they had always had a very embarrassing and somewhat lively reaction to her.

Then one day she met a guy and fell in love. When it became apparent that they would marry she thought to herself:

- He is such a sweet and gentle man, but he would never go for this carrying on.

So she made the supreme sacrifice and gave up beans. Some months later her car broke down on the way home from work. Since she lived in the country she called her husband and told him that she would be late because she had to walk home. On her way she passed a small diner and the odor of the baked beans was more…