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What do you call a donkey with three legs?
→ A wonkey!

What do you get when you drop a piano down a mine shaft?
→ A flat minor!

Once, there were two bikers driving down the highway on a cold afternoon.

- Man! - commented one...

- it's FREEZING!!! and my coat won't zip up. The cold air is killing me!!

The other biker thought for a minute as they sped down the road.

- Well - he said at last...

- you can turn your jacket around, then the open side would be at the back. You wouldn't get so cold that way.

- Great idea! - commented the other.

- stop and let me switch.

The driver pulled over, and the passenger put his jacket on backwards.

- There! - he said when he had completed the switch.

Buckwheat & Darla were in school, and the teacher asks Darla:

- How do you spell 'dumb'?

Darla says:

- d-u-m-b, dumb.

The teacher says:

- very good, now use it in a sentence.

She says:

- Buckwheat is dumb.

Now spell "stupid".
Darla says:

Well, I was interviewing Hillary Clinton the other day, and we came to the subject of her and Bill's sex life. I asked her "Hillary, is your sex life with Bill anything like what he had with Monica?", and she said "Well, close but no cigar."

There is is this guy and he has three mistresses. Well, he decides that he only wants to have one, so he has to choose. He decides on a way to choose by giving them each $150 and telling them to go off and spend it how they see fit.

The first girl comes back and announces that she has spent the $150 on a complete makeover and new hair-do. The guy thinks that is really nice.

The second girl comes back and announces that she has spent the $150 on a new see through nightie. The guy thinks that is really nice too.

The third girl comes back and puts a wad of money onto the table in front of him.

- What's this ? - he asks.

The girl explains that she has taken the $150 and invested it and made $2000…

- Bridegroom: Dear, we've been back from the Caribbean for a month now. We've been in our apartment now for nearly a month. Isn't it time we were alone?

- Bride: But darling, we are alone, aren't we?

- Bridegroom: What I mean is, when can we get your mother out of here?

- Bride: MY mother! I thought she was YOUR mother!!!

Guy walks into the bar, goes up to the bartender. Reaching into his pants pocket, he pulls out a hundred dollar bill.

- Set up everybody in the place! - he shouts.

The bartender obliges.

Suddenly, a little man jumps out of the guy's pocket, runs down the bar, and kicks all of the drinks, smokes, change, etc on the floor. He runs back and jumps back into the guy's pocket.

The Bartender asks what's going on. The guy just reaches back into his pants pocket, pulls out another hundred, and says:

- just set everybody up again.

Bartender obliges once more, suspiciously watching the guy.

Once more the little man appears from the guy's shirt pocket. Runs down the bar, breaks the glasses, pitches the…

Why do so many Polish navy personnel drown?
→ Because when the engine stops, they all have to get out and push!

There was a blonde and a brunette watching the 10:00 news. A news reporter was in the foreground, giving a report. In the background there was a man and a bridge.

- I'll bet you 50 bucks that the guy jumps off of the bridge - the brunette said to the blonde.

- Okay, it's a bet.

A moment later, the man did jump off the bridge and the blonde pulled out 50 dollars.

- I can't take it.

- You have to, it was a bet.

- I really can't take it. You see, I watched the 6:00 news and saw him jump then.

The brunette was feeling very humble at this point.

And the blonde said:

- Well, I watched it too, but I didn't think he'd jump twice!

A supply of Viagra was stolen last night, police are looking for two hardened criminals and they can expect stiff sentences when caught!

- Schizophrenia -- Do You Hear What I Hear?

- Multiple Personality -- We Three Queens Disoriented Are

- Dementia -- I Think I'll Be Home For Christmas

- Narcissistic -- Hark the Herald Angels Sing (About Me)

- Mania -- Deck the Halls and Walls and House and Lawn and... or Deck the Halls and Spare No Expenses

- Borderline Personality -- Thoughts of Roasting in an Open Fire

- Paranoia -- Santa Claus is Coming To Get Me

- Personality Disorder -- You Better Watch Out, I'm Gonna Cry. I'm Gonna Pout, then MAYBE I'll Tell You Why

- Depression -- Silent Anhedonia, Holy Anhedonia. All is Calm, All is Pretty Lonely

- Obsessive Compulsive -- Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell…

- Hello, welcome to the Psychiatric Hotline.

If you are obsessive-compulsive, please press 1 repeatedly. If you are co-dependent, please ask someone to press 2. If you have multiple personalities, please press 3, 4, 5 and 6. If you are paranoid-delusional, we know who you are and what you want. Just stay on the line so we can trace the call. If you are schizophrenic, listen carefully and a little voice will tell you which number to press. If you are depressive, it doesn't matter which number you press. No one will answer.

When I die I want to go peacefully, in my sleep, like my grandfather; not screaming and yelling like the passengers in his car.

I always try to count my blessings, but I am no good at fractions.

War decides not who is right, but who is left.

A guy goes into a supermarket and buys:

• one tin of beans
• one bag of chips
• one pack of burgers
• one tub of ice cream
• one cake
• one case of beer
• one pint of milk.

He takes them over to the checkout, and the girl looks at what he has bought and asks if he is single.

The guy replies sarcastically:

What do you get when a cow gets stuck in an earthquake?
→ A milk shake!

An attorney went into a bar for a Martini and found himself beside a scruffy-looking drunk who kept mumbling and studying something in his hand. He leaned closer while the drunk held the tiny object up to the light, slurring:

- Well, it looks plastic.

Then he rolled it between his fingers, adding:

- But it feels like rubber.

Curious, the attorney asked:

- What do you have there?

The drunk replied:

- I don't know, but it looks like plastic and feels like rubber.

The attorney responded:

- Let me take a look.

How can you tell that your blonde secretary has been typing on your computer?
→ White-out on the screen!

How can you tell she's made the corrections?
→ She wrote over the white out!

A few days ago, a mother was working in the kitchen and listening to her son playing with his new electric trains in the living room. She heard the train stop and her son said:

- All you sons of bitches who want to get off, get the hell off now because this is the last stop. All of you sons of bitches who are getting on, get your asses on the train now, because we're leaving.

The mother went into the living room and told her son:

- We don't use that kind of language in this house. Now go to your room for two hours. When you calm down, you may play with your trains as long as you use proper language.

Two hours later, the mother was still working in the kitchen when her son came out of his room…

A teacher was working with a group of children, trying to broaden their horizons through sensory perception. She brought in a variety of lifesavers and said:

- Children, I'd like you to close your eyes and taste these.

The kids easily identified the taste of cherries, lemons and mint, but when the teacher gave them honey-flavored lifesavers, all of the kids were stumped.

- I'll give you a hint - said the teacher.

- It's something your mommy probably calls your daddy all the time.

Instantly, one of the kids coughed his onto the floor and shouted:

- Spit 'em out, they're assholes!

After the annual office Christmas party blowout, John woke up with a pounding headache, cotton-mouthed, and utterly unable to recall the events of the preceding evening. After a trip to the bathroom, he was able to make his way downstairs, where his wife put some coffee in front of him.

- Louise, tell me what went on last night. Was it as bad as I think? - he moaned.

- Even worse - she assured him, voice dripping with scorn.

- You made a complete ass of yourself, succeeded in antagonizing the entire board of directors, and insulted the President of the company to his face.

- He's an asshole - piss on him!

- You did - Louise informed him.

- And he fired you.

- Well, screw him! - said John.

World's Worst Pick-up Lines...

I wish you were a Pony Carousel outside Wal-Mart, so I could ride you all day long for a quarter.

Just call me milk, I'll do your body good.

Your body's name must be visa, because it's everywhere I want to be.

Can I buy you a drink, or do you just want the money?

I may not be Fred Flintstone, but I bet I can make your Bed Rock.

I may not be the best looking guy here, but I'm the only one talking to you.

My love for you is like the energizer bunny, it keeps going and going.

Yo Baby, you be my Dairy Queen, I'll be your Burger King, you treat me right, and I'll do it your way right away.

I'd like to screw your brains out, but it appears that someone beat me to it.

A man and woman were celebrating their 50 year anniversary. That night, the woman comes out of the bathroom completely naked and looks at her husband who is already in bed. She says:

- Honey, 50 years ago tonight, when I came out of the bathroom with no clothes on, what were you thinking?

He said:

- I was thinking that I wanted to suck your titties dry and fuck you until you couldn't think straight.

She smiled at him and said:

- So what are you thinking now?

He said:

- I think I did a pretty good job!

Why did the boy take a ladder to school?
→ It was a high school.

The room was full of pregnant women and their partners, and the class was in full swing. The instructor was teaching the women how to breathe properly, along with informing the men how to give the necessary assurances at this stage of the plan.

The teacher then announced:

- Ladies, exercise is good for you. Walking is especially beneficial. And, Gentlemen, it wouldn't hurt you to take the time to go walking with your partner!

The room really got quiet.

Finally, a man in the middle of the group raised his hand.

- Yes? - replied the teacher.

- Is it all right if she carries a golf bag while we walk?