Latest

Why do they have Feta cheese at a Greek wedding?
→ To keep the flies off the bride!

Tips on Love (by kids, 5-10 years of age):

WHAT IS THE PROPER AGE TO GET MARRIED??

- Eighty-four, Because at that age, you don't have to work anymore, and you can spend all your time loving each other in your bedroom. - (Judy, 8)

- Once I'm done with kindergarten, I'm going to find me a wife. - (Tom, 5)

WHAT DO MOST PEOPLE DO ON A DATE??

- On the first date, they just tell each other lies, and that usually gets them interested enough to go for a second date. - (Mike, 10)

WHEN IS IT OKAY TO KISS SOMEONE??

- You should never kiss a girl unless you have enough bucks to buy her a big ring and her own VCR, 'cause she'll want to have videos of the wedding. - (Jim, 10)

Top Twenty Countdown of the Best Oxymorons...

20. Found missing
21. Resident alien
22. Airline food
23. Same difference
24. Government organization
25. Sanitary landfill
26. Alone together
27. Business ethics
28. Sweet sorrow

During a service at an old synagogue in Eastern Europe, when the Shema prayer was said, half the congregants stood up and half remained sitting. The half that was seated started yelling at those standing to sit down, and the ones standing yelled at the ones sitting to stand up...

The rabbi, learned as he was in the Law and commentaries, didn't know what to do. His congregation suggested that he consult a housebound 98-year old man, who was one of the original founders of their temple. The rabbi hoped the elderly man would be able to tell him what the actual temple tradition was, so he went to the nursing home with a representative of each faction of the congregation.

- Knock Knock

- Who's there?

- Interupting Cow

- Interupt.... MOO!!

If Atheists don't belive in God......can they get insured for an act of god?

"Living on Earth may be expensive, but it includes an annual free trip around the Sun!"

Indifference will be the downfall of mankind, but who cares?

Top Ten Least Popular Stephen King Novels

10. "The Man Who Died of Old Age"
11. "How Cujo Got His Groove Back"
12. "Here's Another One I Cranked Out In An Afternoon"
13. "Vacuumstarter"
14. "The Scary Windowless Corridor Next To The Oval Office"
15. "The Guy Who Accidentally Put Expired Milk In His Coffee --He Didn't Drink It, But What If He Did?"
16. "The Scariest Part of This Book Is My Picture On The Back Cover"
17. "Inside the Kitchen At Your Local T.G.I. Friday's"
18. "Hi I'm Your New Neighbor, Richard Simmons"

At a recent Sacramento PC User's Group meeting, a company was demonstrating its latest speech-recognition software. A representative from the company was just about ready to start the demonstration and asked everyone in the room to quiet down.

Just then someone in the back of the room yelled:

- Format C: Return.

Someone else chimed in:

- Yes, Return

Unfortunately, the software worked...

Drink

- 17: beer

- 25: bourbon

- 35: vodka

- 48: double vodka

- 66: Maalox

Seduction Line

- 17: My parents are away for the weekend.

- 25: My girlfriend is away for the weekend.

- 35: My fiancee is away for the weekend.

1. I can please only one person per day. Today is not your day. Tomorrow isn't looking good either.
2. I love deadlines. I especially like the whooshing sound they make as they go flying by.
3. Am I getting smart with you? How would you know?
4. I'd explain it to you, but your brain would explode.
5. Someday we'll look back on all this and plow into a parked car.
6. There are very few personal problems that cannot be solved through a suitable application of high explosives.
7. Tell me what you need, and I'll tell you how to get along without it.
8. Accept that some days you're the pigeon, and some days you're the statue.
9. Needing someone is like needing a parachute. If he isn't there the first…

Great Reasons To Be A Guy!

- Phone conversations are over in 30 seconds flat.

- You know stuff about tanks.

- A five-day vacation requires only one suitcase.

- You can open all your own jars.

- Dry cleaners and hair cutters don't rob you blind.

- You can go to the bathroom without a support group.

- You don't have to learn to spell a new last name.

- You can leave the motel bed unmade.

- You can kill your own food.

TOP TEN REASONS WHY TRICK OR TREATING IS BETTER THAN SEX

10. You are guaranteed to get at least a little something in the sack.
11. If you get tired, you can wait 10 minutes and go at it again.
12. The uglier you look, the easier it is to get some.
13. You don't have to compliment the person who gives you some.
14. It's O.K. when the person you're with fantasizes you're someone else, because you are.
15. Forty years from now you'll still enjoy candy.
16. If you don't like what you get, you can always go next door.
17. It doesn't matter if the kids hear you moaning and groaning.
18. Less guilt the morning after.

Top 10 Halloween Things That Sound Dirty...

10. She's a goblin!
11. I'd like to get a little something in the sack.
12. Let me see your bag.... OH!-You're having a great night!
13. Just get on your hands and knees and bob your head.
14. She's got a couple of nice pumpkins on her porch
15. If you just lick it, it'll last longer.
16. Show me your JuJuBees and I'll let you see my Zagnuts.
17. Have your mom check it before you put it in your mouth,
18. You scared me stiff!

ALWAYS GIVE 100% AT WORK:

- 12% Monday

- 23% Tuesday

- 40% Wednesday

- 20% Thursday

- 5% Friday

BLOOD IS THICKER THAN WATER AND TASTIER, TOO.

FAILURE IS NOT AN OPTION! It comes bundled with the software.

I want to die while asleep like my Grandfather, not screaming in terror like the passengers in his car.

I can't dial 911. There's no 11 on my phone.

Kentucky: Five Million People, Fifteen Last Names.

JESUS LOVES YOU. It's everybody else that thinks you're an ass.

I married Miss Right. I just didn't know her first name was, "Always".

What is a free gift? Aren't all gifts free?

Can you yell "MOVIE!" in a crowded firestation?

It's hard to make a comeback when you haven't been anywhere.

Why We Appreciate Men And How Our Bubbles Get Burst When He Ain't Prince Charming!! (and added comments)

1. They've got that comfortable place on their shoulder that's perfect for snuggling into while we fall asleep. (At least that's what his girlfriend/wife says - depending on which YOU are!)
2. They're at peace with their bodies, except for maybe some minor anxiety over height, weight, and baldness. (The names deleted of the world. . .teehee!!)
3. They're enthusiastic about our bodies, even when we're not. (Yeh, don'tcha love it when they say you look great. . .just don't get over 200 lbs!!)
4. They're beyond enthusiastic about sex. (OK if they are discriminate. . .about who they are having…

How do you kill a blue elephant?
→ With a blue elephant gun.

How do you kill a pink elephant?
→ Twist his nose until he turns blue and then use the blue elephant gun.

Yo' mama's so fat when she get's out of bed in New York she sets off the seismographs in California.

If athletes get athlete's foot, astronauts get missile toe.

A bird dog could be called a point setter.

James Fenimore Cooper wrote about the life of Santa Claus in his novel The Deer Sleigher.

What's the difference between a one-winged angel and a two-winged angel?
→ It's a matter of a pinion!

It's a matter of my opinion that Yule love the game we're about to play. In each sentence below, fill in the blank or blanks with an expression commonly used at Christmastide. Answers repose at the end of this column.

1. On December 24, Adam's wife was known as [blank] [blank].
2. In Charles Dickens's A Christmas Carol, Scrooge was visited by the ghost of [blank] [blank].

Why Beer is Better than Women

1. YOU CAN ENJOY A BEER ALL MONTH LONG.
2. BEER STAINS WASH OUT.
3. YOU DON'T HAVE TO WINE AND DINE BEER.
4. YOUR BEER WILL ALWAYS WAIT PATIENTLY FOR YOU IN THE CAR WHILE YOU PLAY FOOTBALL.
5. WHEN YOUR BEER GOES FLAT, YOU TOSS IT OUT.
6. BEER IS NEVER LATE.
7. A BEER DOESN'T GET JEALOUS WHEN YOU GRAB ANOTHER BEER.
8. HANGOVERS GO AWAY.
9. BEER LABELS COME OFF WITHOUT A FIGHT.

Temperatures

- 60 degrees - Californians put their sweaters on.

- 50 degrees - Miami residents turn on the heat.

- 45 degrees - Vermont residents go to outdoor concert.

- 40 degrees - You can see your breath, Californians shiver uncontrollably, Minnesotans go swimming.

- 35 degrees - Italians cars don't start.

- 32 degrees - Water freezes.

- 30 degrees - You plan your vacation in Australia.

- 25 degrees - Ohio water freezes, Californians weep pitiably, Minnesotans eat ice cream, Canadians go swimming.

- 20 degrees - Politicians begin to talk about the homeless, New York City water freezes, Miami residents plan vacation farther south.

How many blondes does it take to make chocolate chip cookies?
→ 30 - 1 to make the batter and 29 to peel the smarties.

There were three ladies at the obstetrician's office, waiting to see what their results were. When the first young woman came back to the waiting room, she was very happy.

- I'm going to have a boy! - she declared.

- The doctor said that if my husband was on top, I would have a boy.

When the second young woman came back, she was very happy, too.

- I'm going to have a girl! The doctor said that if I was on top, I would have a girl.

Suddenly, the third young woman burst into tears. The other two tried to console her, but all she could say was:

- I'm going to have a puppy!