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Why do hummingbirds hum?
→ They forgot the words......

ACTUAL PRODUCT INSTRUCTIONS:

• ON A HAIRDRYER: Do not use while sleeping.
• ON A BAG OF FRITOS: You could be a winner! No purchase necessary. Details inside.
• ON A BAR OF DIAL SOAP: Directions: Use like regular soap.
• FROZEN DINNER SERVING SUGGESTION: Defrost.
• ON A HOTEL-PROVIDED SHOWER CAP IN A BOX: Fits one head.
• ON TESCO'S TIRIMISU DESERT: Do not turn upside down. (Printed on the bottom of the box.)
• ON MARKS & SPENCER BREAD PUDDING: Product will be hot after heating.
• ON PACKAGING FOR A ROWENTA IRON: Do not Iron clothes on body.
• ON BOOTS CHILDRENS COUGH MEDICINE: Do not drive car or operate machinery.

The strong young man at the construction site was bragging that he could outdo anyone in a feat of strength. He made a special case of making fun of one of the older workmen. After several minutes, the older worker had had enough.

- Why don't you put your money where your mouth is - he said.

- I will bet a week's wages that I can haul something in a wheelbarrow over to that outbuilding that you won't be able to wheel back.

- You're on, old man - the braggart replied.

- Let's see what you got.

The old man reached out and grabbed the wheelbarrow by the handles.

Then, nodding to the young man, he said:

- All right. Get in.

In Florida there was a swimming contest. The contestants were a brunette-Mindy, a redhead-Cindy, and a blonde-Sandy. The second race was the Breast Stroke...the order of finish was: The brunette came in first, the redhead second,... "but wait", where was the blonde??? She was still racing!

When she got to the finish line...she said:

- THEY CHEATED!!

The Judge said:

- how??

The dumb blonde screamed...

- THEY USED THEIR ARMS!

What did the blonde say when she opened a box of cheerios?
→ Oh! Look!! Doughnut seeds!!!

I wish there was a knob on the TV to turn up the intelligence. There's a knob called 'brightness', but it doesn't work.

- Can you see farther during the day or at night?

- During the day of course.

- Wrong! During the day you can only see the sun but at night you can see the stars.

OJ Simpson's website address: www dot 'o' dot 'j' dot com backslash backslash backslash escape.

Veteran Pillsbury spokesman Pop N. Fresh died yesterday of a severe yeast infection.

He was 71.

Fresh was buried in one of the largest funeral ceremonies in recent years.

Dozens of celebrities turned out including Mrs. Butterworth, the California Raisins, Hungry Jack, Betty Crocker and the Hostess Twinkies.

The graveside was piled high with flours, as long time friend Aunt Jemima delivered the eulogy, describing Fresh as the man who "never knew how much he was kneaded". Fresh rose quickly in show business, but his later life was filled with many turnovers. He was not considered a very smart cookie, wasting most of his dough on half-baked schemes. Still, even as a crusty old man, he was a roll…

Why should Monica Lewinsky never go to medical school?
→ She sucked as an intern!

Once there were three surgeons engaged in conversation.

They got on the topic of their occupation and each stated who they liked to operate on. The first doctor said:

- I like to work on electricians.

- Why - the others replied.

He answered:

- When you open them up, they are all color coded so you know where everything goes.

The second doctor said:

- I like to work on librarians.

- Why - the other doctors asked.

He replied:

What's the difference between an epileptic oyster fisherman, and a hooker with diahrrea?
→ Well, one shucks between fits.

What's the difference between a nun and a fat lady?
→ One's tryin to diet, and the other's dyin to try it...

There were 3 guys in a plane. The plane was about to crash.

They each had to throw one item out: The 1st guy threw out an apple.

The 2nd one threw out a bannana.

The 3rd one threw out a bomb.

There were 3 guys below them. 2 were crying, 1 was laughing.

A guy went up to the 1st one and asked:

- Why are you crying?

He answered:

- An Apple hit me on the head.

He went up to the 2nd one and asked:

Your momma's so fat that when she sits on a penny Lincoln dies once again!!

Why can't a ghost have sex??
→ Because he has a hollow weenie!

Yo mama's so fat, I had to take a train and two busses just to get on her good side.
Yo mama's so fat, when she hauls ass, she has to make two trips.
Yo mama's so fat, when she hauls ass, she has friends come help.
Yo mama's so fat, I've got to tell two snaps just to cover her fat ass.
Yo mama's so fat, she's 36-24-36... but that's her forearm, neck, and thigh!
Yo mama's so fat, she's 36-24-36... but that's in feet.
Yo mama's so fat, they had to grease a door frame and hold a Twinkie on the other side to get her through.
Yo mama's so fat, she can lay down and stand up and her height doesn't change.
Yo mama's so fat, when she dances, she makes the band skip.

Top 10 Reasons No One Wants to go into Space with John Glenn again:

10. The horror of seeing the effects of G-Forces on wrinkles.
11. Kept using the Hubble to find his glasses.
12. Everytime he sneezed, his teeth flew out.
13. Forgot where he was each morning, kept grabbing for Scott while calling him "Annie".
14. Constantly complaining about being "Stiff all over" while eyeing Chiaki.
15. Couldn't get him to stop doing the "Viagra" experiment.
16. When warned:

- There's a Meteor Shower ahead - he thought they said:

- Shower cause he'd peed the bed.

What does Hillary Clinton and Tampons have in common?
→ "They are both stuck-up cunts!"

The Top Ten Reasons Trick-Or-Treating Is Better Than Sex:

10. Guaranteed to get at least a little something in the sack.
11. If you get tired, wait 10 minutes and go at it again.
12. The uglier you look, the easier it is to get some.
13. You don't have to compliment the person who gave it to you.
14. Person you're with doesn't fantasize you're someone else.
15. If you get a stomach ache, it won't last 9 months.
16. If you wear your Batman mask, no one thinks you're kinky.
17. Doesn't matter if kids hear you moaning and groaning.
18. Less guilt the next morning.

How do you keep a black kid from jumping on the bed?
→ Put velcro on the ceiling.

A horse walks into a bar and the bartender says... "Why the long face?"

How do you know when a nymphomaniac drove your car?
→ The gear shift is wet!!

It seems a farm boy accidentally overturned his wagon-load of corn. The farmer who lived nearby heard the noise.

- Hey Willis!! - the farmer yelled.

- Forget your troubles. Come in with us. Then I'll help you get the wagon up.

- That's mighty nice of you - Willis answered - but I don't think Pa would like me to.

- Aw, come on - the farmer insisted.

- Well okay - the boy finally agreed, and added:

- but Pa won't like it.

After a hearty dinner, Willis thanked his host:

- I feel a lot better now, but I know Pa is going to be real upset.

- Don't be foolish! - the neighbor said with a smile.

What do you get when you have 50 politicians and 50 lesbians in a room?
→ 100 people that don't do dick!!

A little girl and her mother are walking through a park and see two teenagers having sex on a bench. The little girl asks her mother what they're are doing. After a moments hesitation, the mother replies:

- They're making cakes.

The next day the little girl and her mother go to the zoo. The little girl sees two monkeys having sex, and again asks her mother what they are doing. The mother again uses the same answer:

- They're making cakes.

The next morning the little girl says to her mother:

- Mummy, You and Daddy were making cakes on the lounge last night.

The Mother replies:

- How do you know?

The girl says:

- I licked the icing off the sofa!