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One night when a boy prayed to god, the boy asked god: How Long is 1 million years to you?

God replies 1 second.

The Boy asked God: How much is 1 million dollars to you?

God replies 1 penny.

Then the boy asked god if he could have a penny.

God replies...sure:

- gimme 1 second.

A guy with a black eye boards his plane bound for Pittsburgh and sits down in his seat. He notices immediately that the guy next to him has a black eye. He says to him, Hey this is a coincidence, we both have black eyes; mind if ask how you got yours?

- Other guy: Well, it just happened. It was a tongue twister accident. See, I was at the ticket counter and this gorgeous blonde with huge, huge breasts was there. So, instead of saying I'd like a ticket to Pittsburgh, I said I'd like a picket to Tittsburgh. She socked me one.

- First guy: Mine was a tongue twister too. I was at the breakfast table and I wanted to say to my wife: "Please pour me a bowl of Wheaties." But I accidentally said: "You…

An exhibitionist named Joe was preparing to board a flight to Atlanta.

As he approached the open door of the plane at the end of the jet way, a very attractive flight attendant was collecting boarding passes. As she reached toward him for his boarding pass, he opened his raincoat and exposed himself.

- I'm sorry sir, - she said politely - but you have to show your ticket; not your STUB.

A foreman at a construction site gathers three of his workers: an Irishman, an Italian and a Chinese. He says to the Irishman, "you're in charge of Sweeping, I want this whole area swept up before I get back". He says to the Italian, "You're in charge of shoveling. I want that pile shoveled into the truck so they can haul it away." He says to the Chinaman, "You're in charge of supplies. No make sure that all gets done before I get back." Three hours later, he returns and none of the work is done. The Irishman says, "I couldnt find a broom. You left the Chinaman in charge of supplies and he disappeared." The Italian says "And I couldn't find a shovel". So the forman starts walking and…

How do you double the value of a Ford Pinto?
→ Fill the gas tank!

2 people walk into a bar. The third one ducked.

What do you call a prostitute covered in tattoos?
→ The Scenic Root.

Why is 6 scared of 7?
→ Because 7 ate nine! (7, 8, 9)

What did the bird say when his cage fell apart?
→ Cheap-Cheap

God and Moses were out golfing. They were both doing well. Then they came up to the 5th hole. It was a dogleg to the left, with a lake to the right. Moses got up and hit a long shot with a little hook. Right in the middle of the fairway. Then God got up and pulled out his driver. Then Moses said:

- God, everytime you use you driver you always slice it.

So God said:

- If Arnold Palmer can do it, I can do it.

So he approched the ball. Got ready, then hit a long one. It drifted to the right, SPLISH! Right in the middle of the lake. So Moses said:

- See God, I told you that would happen. I'll get it this time but you'll have to get it next time.

Chelsea Clinton was home for Christmas break. She was having lunch with her dear mother, Hillary, just talking about typical girl stuff. Hillary says to Chelsea:

- My, my what a fine young lady you have turned out to be. Being a sophomore at Stanford and all, I'm so proud!

Hillary proceeds to give Chelsea a hug then speaks softly and asks her a question:

- Say, I was just wondering since you're all grown up now. Have you, um, had sex yet?.

Chelsea ponders and contemplates then responds:

- Um, not according to dad.!

Sally was a girl with no horseback riding experience, yet one day she discided to take her chances. As she climbed on the big Palimino, it took off at a gallop. Sally was sliding off. She tried to grab the mane but she couldn't seem to get a grip. So in a great rush she threw herself from the thundering horse, but her foot got caught in the stirup. She was at the mercy of the pounding hooves, near unconsciousness, when......

The Wall Mart manager came out to turn the ride off.

Why did the Packers tear up the end zone after a Vikings Game?
→ There was too much "Moss" in it!

A guy is walking past a high, solid wooden fence at the insane asylum and he hears all the residents inside chanting:

- Thirteen! Thirteen! Thirteen!

He continues walking along the long fence, but, being a curious person, he can't help but wonder why they are chanting "Thirteen!" over and over. Could it be that they are chugging beer? Are they perhaps taking turns beating one of the inmates? Maybe they are counting the number of patients that have leapt off of the roof thus far.

His curiosity peaks and he frantically searches for a hole in the fence so that he may see what is going on. Finally, he spots one a few feet ahead. The hole is low in the fence and he has to kneel down to peer inside.

The vice-president of a local company had quite a problem. He was told by his boss to lay off one of his employees, either Mary or Jack.

His choice was a tough one because Mary had been a devoted employee for 10 years and Jack was a fine worker who had a family to support. At night, the VP tossed and turned in his sleep trying to decide which of his employees he would lay off.

Finally he decided, the first one to come to work tomorrow would be the one. Morning finally comes and the VP waits at the office for one of the two employees to arrive.

At 8:55 Mary walks into the office.

- I've got a difficult decision - the VP says:

- I either have to Lay You or Jack off.

- Oh? jack-off, - Mary says:

Why does the wind blow from the north in Indiana?
→ Kentucky sucks.

Once there were 3 Chinese mothers in a church.

They always liked to compete with their sons.

- First mother: My son is a priest. Whenever people see him they say, "Oh my priest!"

- Second mother: Oh yeah, my son is a bishop. Whenever they see him they say, "Oh my bishop!"

- Third mother: (after thinking a bit) Well my son is a fat, lazy pig and whenever people see my son they say, "Oh my God!"

Ring Ring...

- Hello, who is it?

- Is your phone number 13498732?

- No.

- So, why did you pick up the phone?

One day a guy went to a grocery store and the bagger boy asked him:

- Paper or Plastic

and the man said:

- Uh...paper I guess.

Then the bagger boy said your total is $56.35. The man took out his wallet and said:

- Real or Counterfeit.

How many Kentucky basketball fans does it take to roof a house?
→ Three, if you slice them really thin.

Little Johnny walks into his mother's room and catches her topless.

Mommy, Mommy, what are those? He says pointing to her breasts.

Well, son, These are balloons, and when you die, they inflate and float you up to heaven.

Incredibly, he appears to believe this explanation and goes off quite satisfied. Two days later while his mother is making tea, he rushes into the kitchen. Mommy, Mommy, Aunt Eliza is dying!

What do you mean? Says his mother.

Well, she's out in the garden shed, lying on the floor with both of her balloons out. Daddy is trying to blow them up for her and she keeps yelling, God, I'm coming! God, I'm coming!

A Horse walks into a bar: "Hey buddy," says the bartender, "why the long face?"

A kilted Scotsman was walking down a country path after finishing off a considerable amount of whiskey at a local pub. As he staggered down the road, he felt quite sleepy and decided to take a nap, with his back against a tree.

As he slept, two young lasses walked down the road and heard the Scotsman snoring loudly. They saw him, and one said:

- I've always wondered what a Scotsman wears under his kilt.

She boldly walked over to the sleeping man, raised his kilt, and saw what nature had provided him at his birth.

Her friend said:

- Well, he has solved a great mystery for us, now! He must be rewarded!

So, she took a blue ribbon from her hair, and gently tied it around what nature had provided the…

There were three men. Joe, Rich, and Scott. They were all camping in the woods, and they knew they had to stop for the night. Joe suggested they stop where they were right there, a nice clear, wooded area. Rich agreed, but Scott disagreed, because there was nothing interesting around, only trees. They kept hiking for a little longer, and came across a small clear area, right next to the highway. Both Joe and Rich wanted to stay there because there was no stumps, or moss around, and the sounds of the cars could help to put them asleep. Scott said no, because he found a small ant farm 500 meters away, and was scared the ants might come, and get them. SO they kept hiking, and finally, they…