There was this guy who was sick so he went to the doctor. The doc ran some tests and sent him home with some medicine. The next day the doctor called and the wife answered.
- I'm going to have to run a few more tests - the doctor said:
- I'm going to need a semen, urine and a fecal sample.
After she hung up the husband asked:
- What did the doctor say?
- Oh the doctor is going to need a pair of your underwear.
Why isn't gambling allowed in Africa?
→ Because of all the cheetahs.
What's the difference between an English Sheepherder and Mick Jagger?
→ Mick Jagger sings:
- Hey, Hey, you, you, get off of my cloud.
An English sheepherder says:
- Hey, Hey MacCloud! Get off of my ewe!
A new neighbor arrives. The kids meet.
The local kid:
- My mom was born in California! Where was your mom born?
The other kid answers:
- Alaska
The first one replies:
- Gee, then don't worry about it... I'll ask'er myself!
Once, there were three guys stranded on an island, and the mainland was 100 miles away.
The first guy swam 25 miles, and drowned.
The second guy swam 50 miles, and drowned.
The third guy swam 99 miles, and said:
- I'm tired. I think I'll swim back.
The Queen of England was visiting one of Canada's top hospitals, and during her tour of the floors she passed a room where a male patient was masturbating.
- Oh my God, - said the Queen, - that's disgraceful, what is the meaning of this?
The Doctor leading the tour explains:
- I am sorry your highness, this man has a very serious condition where the testicles rapidly fill with semen. If he doesn't do that 5 times a day, they'll explode, and he would die instantly.
- Oh, I am sorry, - said the Queen.
On the next floor they passed a room where a young nurse was giving a patient oral sex.
- Oh my God, - said the Queen, - what's happening in there?
The Doctor replied:
- Same problem, better health plan.
A herd of buffalo can move only as fast as the slowest buffalo, and when the herd is hunted, it is the slowest and weakest ones at the back that are killed first. This natural selection is good for the herd as a whole because the general speed and health of the whole group keeps improving by the regular culling of the weakest members.
In much the same way the human brain can only operate as fast as the slowest brain cells. Excessive intake of alcohol, we all know, kills brain cells, but naturally it attacks the slowest and weakest brain cells first.
In this way, regular consumption of beer eliminates the weaker brain cells, making the brain a faster and more efficient machine.
President Yeltsin, President Clinton and Bill Gates are invited to have dinner with God. During dinner He tells them:
- I needed three important people to send my message out to all the people: Tomorrow I will destroy the Earth.
Yeltsin immediately calls together his cabinet and announces:
- I have two really bad news items. God really exists, and tomorrow he will destroy the earth.
Clinton calls an emergency meeting of congress and announces:
- I have good news and bad news. The good news is God really does exist; the bad news is tomorrow he's destroying the Earth.
Gates goes back to Microsoft and tells his employees:
- I have two pieces of great news. First, I am one of the three most important…
Who did the dyslexic satanist worship?
→ Santa.
There were 4 monkeys in a tree.
Why did the first monkey fall out of the tree?
→ It died.
Why did the second monkey fall out of the tree?
→ It was tied on to the first monkey.
Why did the third monkey fall out of the tree?
→ It got hit by the first two.
Why did the fourth monkey fall out of the tree?
→ Peer pressure.
What is the difference between a newfie and a bucket of shit...
→ The Bucket
A man walks into a doctors office one day with a frog on his head.
He sits down and the doctor says:
- What's the problem?
The frog says:
- Doctor, is there any way you can get this wart off my ass?
Monica needed to get one of her dresses cleaned so she takes it to the dry cleaners. The man working there was an elderly man and was hard of hearing.
Monica said:
- I need this dress cleaned.
The man said:
- Come again?
Monica replied:
- No, it's just mustard.
A long time ago, way back then...we used to spell Canada, Cnd.
Why? you ask. Well it's really simple...
It's because we forgot the eh?
A business man got on an elevator in a building. When he entered the elevator, there was a blonde already inside and she greeted him by saying:
- T-G-I-F (letters only).
He smiled at her and replied:
- S-H-I-T (letters only).
She looked at him, puzzled, and said:
- T-G-I-F again.
He acknowledged her remark again by answering:
- S-H-I-T.
The blond was trying to be friendly, so she smiled her biggest smile and said as sweetly as possibly:
- T-G-I-F another time.
Okay, so this blonde is driving by in his red sports car, and he sees another blonde rowing with oars in a cornfield.
Well, he is just absolutely furious and he gets out of the car and yells to the blonde in the cornfield:
- Hey, if I knew how to swim, I'd go right out there and give you a piece of my mind!
What's coming but never comes?
→ Tomorrow!
One Day The President was out jogging without his guards.
All of a sudden a man with a ski mask jumped out from behind some bushes with a gun.
The masked man said:
- Give me all your money!
Unwilling to do so, the President said:
- You can't do this, I'm the President!
The man then replied:
- Oh, never mind then. Give me MY money!
A swedish man was bored. He was bored with his work, bored with his life in general. He felt as there was nothing waiting for him in this life... ...until one day, in the breakfast table, he was reading the morning paper, when he saw an article, which would change his life. It said:
- ...
- Scientist's had found out, that somewhere in Africa, one could still find tribes of genuine cavemen, untouched by civilization. Only thing needed was to find the correct cave and shout "Wohoo!!" and the tribe would answer to this call.
- This is it! - the swede thought.
- This is what I've been waiting for! I'll sell everything I own, go to Africa, find these cavemen, and become rich and famous!
Ever hear about the blonde coyote who got a leg stuck in a trap - she chewed off three legs and was still stuck!
How many Bill Gates does it take to change a lightbulb?
→ One - he puts it in the socket and lets the world revolve around him.
A woman takes her 16-year-old daughter to the doctor.
The doctor says:
- Okay, Mrs. Jones, what's the problem?
The mother says:
- It's my daughter Darla, she keeps getting these cravings, she's putting on weight and is sick most mornings.
The doctor gives Darla a good examination then turns to the mother and says:
- Well, I don't know how to tell you this but your Darla is pregnant - about 4 months would be my guess.
The mother says:
- Pregnant?! She can't be, she has never ever been left alone with a man! Have you Darla?
Darla says:
There were three guys in a new bar that just openened and the bartender asked them what he should call his new bar.
One guy said:
- just name it a pub.
Another said:
- just name it the bar.
The thrid guy said:
- name it Suzy's Legs.
The owner like that one so he called his bar Suzy's Legs.
The next morning, this same guy and his dog were sitting in front of the bar waiting for it to open when a cop drove by and asked what he was doing?
He replied...nothing officer...:
When I die I want to go peacefully -- like my grandfather did -- In his sleep.
Not screaming like the passengers in his car.
Clinton was asked who was a better lover: Monica Lewinsky or Paula Jones.
His response: Paula was good, but no cigar.
