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There were three elderly men sitting in wheelchairs on the porch one sunny afternoon. They were ten years apart in ages.

One was 60, another 70 and the last 80 years old.

The 60 yo started complaining. He said:

- I wish I could just piss all at once and not dribble, dribble, dribble all day and night.

The 70 year old then said:

- I don't have that problem. I just wish I could take one good dump and not ooze, ooze, oooze all day and night.

The 80 year old started laughing at the other two. He said:

- I don't have any of those problems! At 7:00 a.m. I take a good piss, at 9:00 a.m. I take a good shit.

- My only problem is that...

- I don't wake up until noon!

If you're American in the kitchen, what are you in the bathroom?
→ European.

How can you tell when a Jewish girl has an orgasm?
→ She drops her nail file.

My wife invited some people to dinner. At the table, she turned to our six-year-old daughter and said:

- Would you like to say the blessing?

- I wouldn't know what to say - she replied.

- Just say what you hear Mommy say - my wife instructed.

Our daughter bowed her head and said:

- Dear Lord, why on earth did I invite all these people to dinner!

One day, a girl walked up to her mother and looked at her mother's hair and sadly said:

- Why is some of your hair white mommy?

The mother replied:

- Well, every time that you do something wrong and make me cry or unhappy, one of my hairs turn white.

The girl thought about this revelation a while, and then said:

- Momma, how come all of grandma's hairs are white?

What do snowmen have that snowwomen don't?
→ Snowballs!

Women's faults are many, men have only 2: Everything they say and everything they do.

A guy is taking a walk and sees a frog on the side of the road. As he comes closer, the frog starts to talk:

- Kiss me and I will turn into a princess.

The guy picks the frog up and puts it in his pocket.

The frog starts shouting:

- Hey! Didn't you hear me? I'm a Princess. Just kiss me and I will be yours.

The guy takes the frog out of his pocket and smiles at it and puts it back.

The frog is really frustrated:

- I don't get it. Why won't you kiss me? I will turn into a beautiful princess and do anything you ask.

The guy says:

- Look, I'm a computer geek. I don't have time for girls. But a talking frog is cool!

A kid, just getting home from school runs up to his dad:

- Daddy, daddy! I'm the only one in my class that can count to ten. Why do you rec'un so?

- Why that's because your from Kentucky son. - The dad responses.

The next day the kid gets home from school:

- Daddy, daddy! I'm the only one in my class that knows all the letters in the alphabet. Why do you rec'un so?

- That's because you're from Kentucky son. - The dad tells him again.

The next day the kid busts through the door:

- Daddy. daddy! I'm the only one in school who has a large penis, is that because I'm from Kentucky?

The dad looks at him and says:

- No that's because you're 22.

A Skeleton walks into a bar, asks for a beer... and a mop.

A couple came upon a wishing well. The husband leaned over, made a wish and threw in a penny.

The wife decided to make a wish, too. But she leaned over too much, fell into the well, and drowned. The husband was stunned for a while but then smiled and said:

- Cool!... It really works!

One day in the Garden of Eden, Eve calls out to God:

- Lord, I have a problem!

- What's the problem, Eve?

- Lord, I know you've created me and have provided this beautiful garden and all of these wonderful animals, and that hilarious comedy snake, but I'm just not happy.

- Why is that, Eve? - came the reply from above.

- Lord, I am lonely. And I'm sick to death of apples.

- Well, Eve, in that case, I have a solution. I shall create a man for you.

- What's a 'man', Lord?

- This man will be a flawed creature, with aggressive tendencies, an enormous ego and an inability to empathize or listen to you properly. All in all, he'll give you a hard time. But, he'll be bigger and faster and more muscular…

A Dutchman, a German and a Belgian are planning to walk in the desert.

The Dutchman says:

- I'll bring an umbrella for the shade when it gets too hot.

The German says:

- I'll bring some sunglasses. This sun can really destroy your eyes!

The Belgian remains silent.

Next day, the Dutchman and the German are astonished.

- What's that? - they both shout.

The Belgian answers:

- It's a car door. Now I can open the window when it gets hot...

It's Colonel Smith's first day at a new base in Saudi Arabia, and the company clerk is showing him around the camp. They tour the entire base and the clerk shows him around and points out every building of interest. At the end of the tour, the Colonel says:

- What about that little stable over there? What's that for?

- Well - says the clerk, and looks at the ground in embarassment:

- you may have noticed there aren't any women on the base. You see, we keep a camel in that there stable, so that when the men get their urges they can --

The Colonel holds up his hand, shakes his head and cuts off the clerk midsentence:

- PLEASE! Say no more. I get the point.

"Only in America"...

- can a pizza get to your house faster than an ambulance

- are there handicapped parking places in front of a skating rink

- do people order double cheese burgers, a large fry, and a diet coke

- do banks leave both doors open and then chain the pens to the counters

- do we leave cars worth thousands of dollars in the driveway and leave useless things and junk in boxes in the garage

- do we use answering machines to screen calls and then have call waiting so we won't miss a call from someone we didn't want to talk to in the first place

- do we buy hot dogs in packages of ten and buns in packages of eight

- do we use the word "politics" to describe the process so well: "poli" in…

What does a bee do with it's stinger before he goes to bed???
→ He put's it in his honey!!

Bill Clinton dies and goes to hell. Satan is giving him a VIP tour, showing him his options for spending eternity.

They come to a room marked "Hitler." Inside is Eva Braun, torturing Adolf Hitler with red-hot irons. Every time Hitler tries to escape, Eva applies another iron.

- I can't spend eternity like that - says Clinton.

- Show me something else.

Satan takes him to another room marked "Jack the Ripper."

Inside are three mutilated prostitutes, stretching Jack on the rack.

Every time Jack screams, the whores turn the wheel a little more.

- I can't spend eternity like that, either - says Clinton.

- Show me something better.

Satan takes Bill to the last door.

There are four guys in the park who get arrested for blowing bubbles. In the court room one guy comes in, the judge says:

- who are you and what are you charged with??

- I'm duck and i got charged for blowing bubbles in the park.

2nd one comes in:

- who are you and what are you charged with?

- I'm duck duck and i was charged for blowing bubbles in the park.

3rd one comes in:

- Who are you and what were you charged with?

- I'm duck duck duck and i was charged for blowing bubbles in the park.

4th one comes in judge says:

Rules that guys wished girls knew...

1. If you think you're fat, you probably are. Don't ask us.
2. Learn to work the toilet seat: if it's up, put it down.
3. Don't cut your hair. Ever.
4. Birthdays, Valentines, and Anniversaries are not quests to see if he can find the perfect present!
5. If you ask a question you don't want an answer to, expect an answer you don't want to hear.
6. Sometimes, he's not thinking about you. Live with it.
7. Don't ask him what he's thinking about unless you are prepared to discuss such topics as navel lint, the shotgun formation, and monster trucks.
8. Get rid of your cat. And no, it's not different, it's just like ever other cat.

What's the difference between a porcupine and the White House?
→ With a porcupine, the pricks are on the outside!

What is the last thing to go through a bugs mind when it hits your windshield?
→ It's butt!

This Cowboy is riding the range when he gets ambushed by some indians. They take him back to their villiage to see the chief. The Chief looks at the cowboy and says:

- You White man, you will die at sundown, but Chief is not as evil as white man, so you gettum three wishes. What is your first wish?

The cowboy looks around, thinks, then, with a gulp, says:

- well, can i talk to my horse o' great chief?

The Chief looks puzzled, laughs to his tribe and says:

- he-he, sure white man you can talk to your horse.

So the cowboy goes to his horse and wispers in it's ear, the horse looks puzzled, but then with bright eyes it gallops off in a cloud of dust. The Indians just sit and laugh at the cowboy for…

Mr. Johnson, a businessman from Wisconsin, went on a business trip to Louisiana. He immediately sent an e-mail back home to his wife, Jennifer (JenJohnson@AOL.com).

Unfortunately, he forgot his wife's exact email address and the e-mail ended up going to a Mrs. Joan Johnson (JJohnson@AOL.com) of New Jersey, the wife of a preacher who had just passed away.

The preacher's wife took one look at the e-mail and promptly fainted.

When she was finally revived by her daughter, she nervously pointed to the message, which read:

- Arrived safely, but it sure is hot down here.

One day a Blonde and a Brunette were driving through the country..

The Brunette noticed a woman over in a field of wheat rowing in a kayak.

The Blonde then noticed also and the Brunette asked her:

- Why is she in a boat out in a field of wheat? There is a lake right down the road!

And the Blonde replied...:

- Want me to swim out and tell her?

Peter and Jim were partners in a profitable painting-contracting business. Unfortunately, they weren't entirely honest, because they mixed their paint with water.

One day Jim's conscience started to bother him as they painted a poor widow's house. The next day Jim told Peter he just couldn't be dishonest anymore.

- Don't quit now, - Peter begged.

- A few more jobs and we can retire.

Jim refused to change his mind.

- Peter, - he said.

- I just can't do it. Last night an angel stood by my bed and said - 'Repaint, repaint... you thinner.'