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A wife asks her husband:

- Honey, if I died, would you remarry?

- After a considerable period of grieving, I guess I would. We all need companionship.

- If I died and you remarried - the wife asks - would she live in this house?

- We spent a lot of money getting this house just the way we want it. I'm not going to get rid of my house. I guess she would live in this house.

- If I died and you remarried, and she lived in this house - the wife asks - would she sleep in our bed?

- Well, the bed is brand new, and it cost us $2,000. It's going to last a long time, so I guess she would.

- If I died and you remarried, and she lived in this house and slept in our bed, would she use my golf clubs?

A man rushed into the veterinarian's office carrying his dog, thoroughly distraught. The vet examined the dog's still, limp body and sadly informed the man that the dog was dead.

Saddened at the loss of his best friend, the man asked the doctor if he could please try one last time to revive the dog. The doctor stepped into his other room and returned with a cat in a wire cage. He set the cage on the examining table and opened the sliding door.

The cat got up, stretched, stepped out of the cage and slowly walked around the dog from head to tail sniffing the body. When it was finished, it looked up at the veterinarian with a "meow", walked back into the cage and went back to sleep.

What were Jesus' last words at the last supper?
→ "Ok, all you guys who want to be in the picture, get on THIS side of the table"

Dave works hard at the plant and spends most evenings bowling or playing basketball at the gym. His wife thinks he is pushing himself too hard, so for his birthday she takes him to a local strip club.

The doorman at the club greets them and says:

- Hey, Dave, how ya doin?

His wife is puzzled and asks if he's been to this club before.

- Oh no, - says Dave.

- He's on my bowling team.

When they are seated, a waitress asks Dave if he'd like his usual Budweiser. His wife is becoming uncomfortable and says:

- You must come here a lot for that woman to know you drink Budweiser.

- No, honey, she's in the Ladies Bowling League. We share lanes with them.

What did Bill Gates' wife say to him on his wedding night?
→ "Now I know why you called your company Microsoft"

Why are there no phone books in China?
→ Because there are so many Wing's and Wong's, they are afraid you will Wing the Wong number.

A guy was walking along the beach admiring the beautiful sunset when he noticed a young lady laying in the sand, she had no arms and no legs and was crying.

He goes over and asked what was wrong. She said:

- I am 21 years old, I have no legs and no arms and I have never been kissed

So, he bends down and kisses her and she stops crying. He gets up to walk away and she starts to cry again. Again, he asks her what is wrong.

She says:

- I am 21 years old, I have no arms and no legs and I have never been screwed.

So, he goes over to her, picks her up and throws her in the water, and says:

- there, now you're screwed!

What do you call four bullfighters in quicksand?
→ Quattro sinko.

What do you get when you cross a midget with a prostitute?
→ A little fucker about so tall.

There were three men sitting on a bench. Man1 asked the other two:

- What do you want your family and friends to say at your funeral?.

Man2 says:

- I guess I'd want them to say I was a nice guy and I took care of my family.

Man3 says:

- I'd want them to say things like that too

Man1 said:

- Really? I'd want them to say... LOOK! HE'S MOVING!.

Why did the little girl bury her flashlight?
→ Because the batteries died.

Why are fish in the sea smarter than animals on land.
→ Because they travel in schools.

What do you call a boomerang that doesn't come back?
→ A stick!

A farmer goes to the patent office to patent a peach, and the patent officer says:

- You can't patent a peach, the peach has already been patented!

And the farmer says:

- Oh no. Not THIS kind of peach. Go ahead, try it!

So the patent officer takes a bite, and then:

- Oh, wow! This is so good! It tastes like blackberry pie!

And the farmer says:

- Yeah, and do you like vanilla ice cream? Well then you gotta flip it over & try the other side.

So the patent officer does and he's like:

- Man! That really does taste like vanilla ice cream! I can't believe it!

What's the difference between a Train and Teacher?
→ A train says, "Chew, Chew!" and a Teacher says, "Spit the gum out!"

So this grasshopper walks into a bar. The bartender looks up and says:

- Hey! Your a grasshopper! We have a drink named after you!

The grasshopper says:

- Oh yeah? You have a drink named Leonard?!

An engineering student is walking on campus one day, when another engineer student rides up on a shiny new motorcycle.

- Where did you get such a functional bike? - asked the first.

The second engineer replied:

- Well, I was walking along yesterday minding my own business when a beautiful woman rode up on this bike. She threw the bike to the ground, took off all her clothes, spread her arms wide and said:

- Take what you want.

The second engineer nodded approvingly:

- Good choice; the clothes probably wouldn't have fit.

The recreational director of a mental hospital wanted to take a well behaved group of inmates to a baseball game. The General Manager of the club was a little leery of this. When the Recreational Director said:

- If I prove to you how well behaved they are, will you let them in?

The General Director agreed.

The group of inmates came in and sat down. The Recreational Director shouted:

- Stand up, nuts!

Everyone stood up.

- Sit down, nuts!

Everyone sat down.

- Look behind you, nuts!

Everyone turned around.

A feeble old man is in his doctor's office having a check-up. The doctor finishes the check-up says to the man:

- So, you seem in fine health. Any problems?

- Yes, Doc, - the old man slowly responded.

- My sex drive is too high and I need it lowered.

This took the doctor quite by surprise.

- You're 84 years old, and you're in fine health for a man of your age, and I know men half your age who would kill for a problem like that. So, why are you complaining?

- Well, - the old man said.

- I see all these sexy nurses at the home, and when I go for a walk, I see all these cute honeys all around, so that's why I'm here, Doc. I want my sex drive lowered.

Still confused, the doctor said:

A man driving on the highway is pulled up by a police officer on a bike.

The officer says:

- Pull over,

and the driver pulls over to the side of the road.

He says:

- I'm sorry, officer, was I speeding?

The police officer says:

- No, mate, but your wife fell out of the car a mile back.

The man replies:

- Oh, that explains it. I thought I was going deaf!

Two elderlies are rocking on the porch at the home.

- Bet you can't guess how old I am - he says.

- Bet I can - she says.

- Bet you fifty dollars you can't tell me how old I am - he says.

- You're on - she says.

- Stand up.

He stands up. She looks him up and she looks him down.

- Now turn around - she says.

She looks him up and she looks him down.

- Now, turn back around . . . and drop your pants - she says.

Why are Monica Lewinsky and a change machine alike?
→ They both say... "insert Bill here!"

Two drunks are driving down the road drinking beer. All of a sudden they see a police car lights flashing in the rear view mirror.

- What are we going to do? - asks the drunk passenger.

- Don't worry, I know what to do. Peel the label off your bottle and stick it to your forehead. Let me do all the talking.

They pull over and the cop gets out.

- May I see your license and your registration? - he asks.

The guy gives him his license.

- Have you been drinking?

- No officer. We haven't.

- Well, you were weaving back and forth. Are you sure you haven't had anything to drink? - the officer asked.

- I swear officer. I haven't had a sip.

Why did the blonde stare at the orange juice?
→ Because it said "concentrate!"

- What makes Britain so strong?

- It's the two-party system. One big party on every friday and another big party on every saturday