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A blonde goes into work one morning crying her eyes out. Her boss, concerned about his employee's well being, asks sympathetically:

- What's the matter?

The blonde replies:

- Early this morning I got a phone call saying that my mother had passed away.

- I'm terribly sorry to hear that. Why don't you go home for the day... we aren't terribly busy. Just take the day off to relax and rest.

The blonde very calmly explains:

- No, I'd be better off here. I need to keep my mind off it and I have the best chance of doing that here.

The boss agrees and allows the blonde to work as usual.

- If you need anything, just let me know - he says.

A few hours pass and the boss decides to check on the blonde. He looks…

There once was a blind man who decided to visit Texas. When he arrived on the plane, he felt the seats and said:

- Wow, these seats are big!

The person next to him answered:

- Everything is big in Texas.

When he finally arrived in Texas, he decided to visit a bar. Upon arriving in the bar, he ordered a beer and got a mug placed between his hands. He exclaimed:

- Wow these mugs are big!

The bartender replied:

- Everything is big in Texas.

After a couple of beers, the blind man asked the bartender where the bathroom was located. The bartender replied:

- Second door to the right.

A blind man was describing his favorite sport, parachuting. When asked how this was accomplished, he said that things were all done for him:

- I am placed in the door with my seeing eye dog and told when to jump. My hand is placed on my release ring for me and out I go with the dog.

- But how do you know when you are going to land? - he was asked.

- I have a very keen sense of smell, and I can smell the trees and grass when I am 300 feet from the ground - he answered.

- But how do you know when to lift your legs for the final arrival on the ground? - he was again asked. He quickly answered:

- Oh, the dog's leash goes slack.

A blind man walks into a store with his seeing eye dog. All of a sudden, he picks up the leash and begins swinging the dog over his head. The manager runs up to the man and asks, "What are you doing?!!" The blind man replies, "Just looking around."

Why don't blind people skydive?
→ It scares the heck out of the dog.

One day two blind men started fighting.

Pretty soon a crowd surrounded them.

Then one of the members of the crowd yelled out:

- I bet 10 bucks on the one with the knife.

Both men ran away.

- First boy: Are you having a party for your birthday?

- Second boy: No, I'm having a witch do.

- First boy: What's a witch do?

- Second boy: She flies around on a broomstick casting spells.

Johnny was racing around the garden on his new bicycle and called out to his mother to watch his tricks:

- Look, Mum! No hands! Look, Mum! No feet! Waaah! Look, Mum! No teeth!

- That's an excellent essay for someone your age - said the English teacher.

- How about for someone my Mum's age, Miss?

- Welcome to school, Simon - said the nursery school teacher to the new boy.

- How old are you?

- I'm not old - said Simon.

- I'm nearly new.

Miss Jones agreed to be interviewed by Fred for the school magazine.

- How old are you, ma'am? - asked Fred.

- I'm not going to tell you that - she replied.

- But Mr Hill the technical teacher and Mr Hill the geography teacher told me how old they were.

A couple have not been getting along for years, so the husband thinks:

- I'll buy my wife a cemetery plot for her birthday.

Well, you can imagine her disappointment.

The next year, her birthday rolls around again and this time he doesn't get her anything.

She says:

- Why didn't you get me a birthday present!?

He replies:

- You didn't use what I got you last year!

A man asked his wife:

- What would you most like for your birthday?

She said:

- I'd love to be ten again.

On the morning of her birthday, he got her up bright and early and they went to a theme park. He put her on every ride in the park - the Death Slide, The Screaming Loop, the Wall of Fear. She had a go on every ride there was.

She staggered out of the theme park five hours later, her head reeling and her stomach turning.

Then off to a movie theater, popcorn, cola and sweets.

At last she staggered home with her husband and collapsed into bed.

Her husband leaned over and asked:

- Well, dear, what was it like being ten again?

Why did the turkey cross the road?
→ To prove he wasn't chicken.

What is a crowbar?
→ A place where crows go to get a drink!

Why do hens lay eggs?
→ If they dropped them, they'd break

David received a parrot for his birthday. This parrot was fully grown with a bad attitude and terrible vocabulary.

Every other word was an expletive. Those that weren't expletives were, to say the least, rude. David tried hard to change the bird's attitude. He was constantly saying polite words and playing soft music, he did anything he could think of. Nothing worked. When he yelled at the bird, the bird got worse. If he shook the bird, the bird got madder and ruder. Finally in a moment of desperation, David put the parrot in the freezer. For a few moments he heard the bird squawking, kicking and screaming and then suddenly, there was quiet.

A man with a talking parrot is getting married. On the day of the wedding he says to the parrot "Now look here, I know you are always sat in that window sticking your beak in, when me and my new wife get back from the wedding I want you to turn round and no matter what you hear I do not want you to turn back or I'll break your neck, do you understand?" The parrot reluctantly agrees.

On returning from the wedding the parrot turns round as instructed, and behind him the bride and groom start to pack for the honeymoon. The wife however has packed too much and they can't get the case closed.

"Get on top and sit on it baby!" Says the man the woman does so and grunts and moans but can't shut the…

A boy frog telephones the Psychic Hotline and his Personal Psychic Advisor tells him:

- You are going to meet a beautiful young girl who will want to know everything about you.

The frog is thrilled:

- This is great! Will I meet her at a party?

- No - says his Advisor.

- in her biology class.

A biologist was interested in studying how far bullfrogs can jump. He brought a bullfrog into his laboratory, set it down, and commanded:

- Jump, frog, jump!

The frog jumped across the room.

The biologist measured the distance, then noted in his journal:

- Frog with four legs jumped eight feet.

Then he cut the frog's front legs off. Again he ordered:

- Jump, frog, jump!

The frog struggled a moment, then jumped a few feet.

After measuring the distance, the biologist noted in his journal:

- Frog with two legs jumped three feet.

How do you eat a DNA spaghetti?
→ With a replication fork (you can also use your zinc fingers...)

A boy was assigned a paper on childbirth and asked his mother:

- How was I born?

- Well honey... - said the slightly prudish mother.

- the stork brought you to us.

- Oh - said the boy.

- and how did you and daddy get born?

- Oh, the stork brought us too.

- Well how were grandpa and grandma born? - the boy persisted.

- Well darling, the stork brought them too! - said the mother, by now starting to squirm a little.

Several days later, the boy handed in his paper to the teacher who read with confusion the opening sentence:

Two biologists are in the field following the tracks of a radio-collared grizzly bear. All of a sudden, the bear crashes out of the brush and heads right for them. They scramble up the nearest tree, but the bear starts climbing up the tree after them. The first biologist starts taking off his heavy leather hiking boots and pulls a pair of sleek running shoes from his back-pack.

The second biologist gives him a puzzled look and says:

- What in the world are you doing?

He replies:

- I figure when the bear gets close to us, we'll jump down and make a run for it.

The second guy says:

- Are you crazy? We both know you can't outrun a full-grown grizzly bear.

The first guy says:

My dog is a nuisance.
He chases everyone on a bicycle.
What can I do?
→ Take his bike away.

Did you hear about the vampire bicycle that went round biting people's arms off?
→ It was a vicious cycle.

- Lie flat on your backs, class, and circle your feet in the air as if you were riding your bikes - said the gym teacher.

- Fred! What are you doing? Move your feet, boy.

- I'm freewheeling, sir.

What is a ghost-proof bicycle?
→ One with no spooks in it.