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What did the bald man say when he got a comb for Christmas?
→ Thanks, I'll never part with it!

Why are Christmas trees like bad knitters?
→ They both drop their needles!

What do monkeys sing at Christmas?
→ Jungle Bells, Jungle bells..

A certain little girl, when asked her name, would reply:

- I'm Mr. Sugarbrown's daughter.

Her mother told her this was wrong, she must say:

- I'm Janey Sugarbrown.

The Vicar spoke to her in Sunday School, and said:

- Aren't you Mr. Sugarbrown's daughter?

With her mother standing just a few feet away, the little girl replied:

- I thought I was, but Mommy says I'm not.

A little boy walked down the aisle at a wedding. As he made his way to the front, he would take two steps, then stop, and turn to the crowd, alternating between the bride's side and the groom's side. While facing the crowd, he would put his hands up like claws and roar. And so it went-step, step, ROAR, step, step, ROAR-all the way down the aisle.

As you can imagine, the crowd was near tears from laughing so hard by the time he reached the pulpit.

The little boy, however, was getting more and more distressed from all the laughing, and he was near tears by the time he reached the pulpit.

When asked what he was doing, the child sniffed back his tears and said:

- I was being the ring bear.

Why were ancient Egyptian children confused?
→ Because their daddies were mummies.

A group of young children were siting in a circle with their teacher. She was going around in turn asking them all questions.

- Davy, what noise does a cow make?

- It goes moo.

- Alice, what noise does a cat make?

- It goes meow.

- Jamie, what sound does a lamb make?

- It goes baaa.

- Jennifer, what sound does a mouse make?

- Errr.., it goes.. click!

A mother was reading a book about animals to her 3 year old daughter.

- Mother: What does the cow say?

- Child: Moo!

- Mother: Great! What does the cat say?

- Child: Meow.

- Mother: Oh, you're so smart! What does the frog say?

And this wide-eyed little 3 year-old looked up at her mother and in her deepest voice replied:

- Bud.

Where did the kittens go on their class trip?
→ To a mewseum.

When is a bad time to cross a black cat?
→ When you are a mouse!

Little Tim was in the garden filling in a hole when his neighbor peered over the fence. Interested in what the cheeky-faced youngster was up to, he politely asked:

- Whatcha doing, Tim?

- My goldfish died - replied the boy tearfully, without looking up.

- And I've just buried him.

The neighbor was concerned:

- That's an awfully big hole for a goldfish, isn't it?

Tim patted down the last heap of earth then replied:

- That's because he's inside your cat.

A woman is walking in the park when she sees a man playing chess with his cat. She says to the man:

- I can't believe what I'm seeing, a cat that plays chess, what a clever animal!!

The man replied:

- Nah lady this cats not clever at all I'm beating it 6 games to 1

A man is driving along in the Irish countryside, when he comes to a petrol station, since he's in need of petrol, the man decides to stop. He says to the attendant at the station:

- Fill it up, will you?

The man says:

- Sorry - we're right out of petrol.

So the man considers, and says:

- Well, I'm a bit low on oil, would you mind topping that up?

And the attendant responds:

- Sorry, but no oil either.

The man thinks, and asks the attendant to wash his windscreen, to which he gets the by-now predictable response that he can't do that. The man at this point is fairly mad, so he asks the attendant:

- Just what kind of petrol station is this?

One day there was a family driving in the car to Michigan to visit their relatives. They were looking for the street they had to turn on to get to their relatives house. They accedently turned on the wrong street so they had to pull in a driveway and turn around. When they pulled into the driveway the girl asked her mother "Why dont these people have electricity?" Very confused the mother said, "Wut are u talking about?" The girl quickly replied, "Well, the sign back there said NO OUTLET!"

As a senior citizen was driving down the freeway, his car phone rang. Answering, he heard his wife's voice urgently warning him:

- Herman, I just heard on the news that there's a car going the wrong way on 280 Interstate. Please be careful!

- Hell - said Herman.

- It's not just one car. It's hundreds of them!

A man was in court charged with parking his car in a restricted area. The judge asked if he had anything to say in his defense. "They shouldn't put up such misleading notices," said the man. "It said FINE FOR PARKING HERE."

A grizzled old man was eating in a truck stop when three Hell's Angels' bikers walked in. The first walked up to the old man, pushed his cigarette into the old man's pie and then took a seat at the counter. The second walked up to the old man, spat into the old man's milk and then he too took a seat at the counter. The third walked up to the old man, turned over the old man's plate, and then he took a seat at the counter.

Without a word of protest, the old man quietly left the diner. Shortly thereafter, one of the bikers said to the waitress:

- Humph, not much of a man, was he?

The waitress replied:

- Not much of a truck driver either, he just backed his big-rig over three motorcycles.

When Abraham Liebowitz gets to school he discovers that he is the only Jewish kid in the class. But it's a decent town and nobody really bothers him.

One day the teacher asks the class:

- Who was the greatest person who ever lived? and why?

And to make it interesting she held a twenty dollar bill in the air and said:

- whoever gives the best answer will get this twenty dollars.

All of the kids called out their guesses.

One said:

- George Washington - because he was the father of our country.

- That's excellent - said the teacher.

Another said:

Several weeks after a young man had been hired, he was called into the personnel director's office.

- What is the meaning of this? - the director asked.

- When you applied for this job, you told us you had five years experience. Now we discovered this is the first job you've ever held.

- Well - the young man replied.

- in your advertisement you said you wanted somebody with imagination.

A man is flying in a hot air balloon and realizes he is lost. He reduces his altitude and spots a man down below. He lowers the balloon further and shouts:

- Excuse me, can you tell me where I am?

The man below says:

- Yes, you're in a hot air balloon, hovering 30 feet above this field.

- You must work in Technical Support - says the balloonist.

- I do - replies the man.

- How did you know?

- Well - says the balloonist.

- everything you have told me is technically correct, but completely useless.

The man below says:

These two construction workers always noticed that their boss always left early on Fridays. So one asked the other that if the boss left early next Friday if he would want to also. The other man agreed. Sure enough, when Friday came, the boss left early. Therefore, the two men left also. The one offered the other to join him down at the bar, but he decided to just head on home. When he arrived home, he heard a noise from up stairs.

When he reached the top of the stairs, he noticed that the noise was coming from the bedroom. He opened the door and saw his boss sleeping with his wife, so he quietly closed the door and headed back down the stairs and out the front door. He made his way down to…

What does a cannibal eat with cheese?
→ Pickled organs.

When do cannibals cook you?
→ On Fried-days.

Why was the cannibal expelled from school?
→ Because he kept buttering up the teacher.

Did you hear about the cannibal spider that ate his uncle's wife?
→ He was an aunteater.