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While crossing the US-Mexican border on his bicycle, the man was stopped by a guard who pointed to two sacks the man had on his shoulders.

- What's in the bags? - asked the guard.

- Sand - said the cyclist.

- Get them off - we'll take a look - said the guard.

The Cyclist did as he was told, emptied the bags, and proving they contained nothing but sand, reloaded the bags, put them on his shoulders and continued across the border.

Two weeks later, the same thing happened. Again the guard demanded to see the two bags, which again contained nothing but sand. This went on every week for six months, until one day the cyclist with the sand bags failed to appear.

- Father: Why did you put a toad in your sister's bed?

- Son: I couldn't find a spider.

What should you do if you find a witch in your bed?
→ Run!

What do you call a python with a great bedside manner?
→ A snake charmer.

What should you do if you find a snake in your bed?
→ Sleep in the wardrobe.

Who stole the sheets from the bed?
→ Bed buglars.

- First girl: I spend hours in front of the mirror admiring my beauty. Do you think that's vanity?

- Second girl: No, it's imagination.

She's so ugly that when a wasp stings her it shuts its eyes.

- Fred: What's that terribly ugly thing on your shoulders?

- Harry: Help! What is it?

- Fred: Your head!

- I'm not ugly. I could marry anyone I pleased!

- But that's the problem - you don't please anyone.

My Mother uses lemon juice for her complexion.

Maybe that is why she always looks so sour.

The plumber was working in a house when the lady of the house said to him:

- Will it be alright if I have a bath while you're having your lunch?

- It's okay with me lady - said the plumber - as long as you don't splash my sandwiches.

- Doctor: And did you drink your medicine after your bath, Mrs Soap?

- Mrs Soap: No, doctor. By the time I'd drunk the bath there wasn't room for medicine.

- Boy: Dad, dad, there's a spider in the bath.

- Dad: What's wrong with that? You've seen spiders before.

- Boy: Yes, but this one is three feet wide and using all the hot water!

Which villains steal soap from the bath?
→ Robber ducks.

How do vampire football players get the mud off?
→ They all get in the bat-tub.

There is a new Barbie doll on the market -
Frozen Barbie on a Stick ...in your grocer's frozen food section

There is a new Barbie doll on the market -
East German Swim Team Barbie ...a Barbie head on a Ken doll

There is a new Barbie doll on the market -
Hiroshima Barbie ...just a shadow of her former self

There is a new Barbie doll on the market -
Marie Antionette Barbie ...with removable head; guillotine included

There is a new Barbie doll on the market -
Crash Test Barbie ...comes with car and brick wall

One day an Englishman, an American, and a Canadian walked into a pub together. They proceeded to each buy a pint of Molson Canadian. Just as they were about to enjoy their beverage three flies landed in each of their pints.

The Englishman pushed his beer away from him in disgust.

The American fished the offending fly out of his beer and continued drinking it as if nothing had happened.

The Canadian picked the fly out of his drink and started shaking it over the pint, yelling...:

- SPIT IT OUT, SPIT IT OUT YOU BASTARD!!!

A guy stumbles through the front door of a bar, ambles up to the bartender and orders a beer.

The bartender looks at the drunk man and says:

- I'm sorry sir, but I can't serve you...you've already had too much to drink.

The guy swears and walks out of the bar.

Five minutes later the guy comes flying through the side door of the bar, and yells for a beer.

Again the bartender says:

- I'm sorry, sir...but I can't serve you...you've already had too much to drink!

Ten minutes later, the same guy comes barrel-assing through the back door of the bar, storms up to the bartender, and demands a beer.

Again, the bartender says to the man...:

- I'm really sorry, sir, but you've had too much to drink...you're…

A man walks in to a bar and says to the bartenter:

- Give me twenty shots of your best singlemalt scotch quick!

The bartender pours the shots, and the man drinks them as fast as he can.

The bartender says:

- Wow. I never saw anybady drink that fast.

The man says:

- well you would drink as fast as I do if you had what I have.

The bartender says:

- Oh my god. what is it. what do you have?

The man looks at him and says:

A drunk stammers out of a bar and runs into two priests. He runs up to them and says:

- I'm Jesus Christ.

The first priest says:

- No, son, I'm Jesus Christ.

So the drunk says it to the second priest.

The second priest replies:

- No, son, I'm Jesus Christ.

The drunk says:

- Look, I can prove it. and walks back into the bar with the priests.

The bartender takes one look at the drunk and exclaims: