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How do you deal with heavy traffic?
→ Heavy psychedelics.

What is the difference between a flashing red traffic light and a flashing yellow traffic light?
→ The color.

What changes would occur in your lifestyle if you could no longer drive lawfully?
→ I would be forced to drive unlawfully.

How can you reduce the possibility of having an accident?
→ Be too drunk to find your keys.

When driving through fog, what should you use?
→ Your car.

Who has the right of way when four cars approach a four-way stop at the same time?
→ The pick up truck with the gun rack and the bumper sticker saying:

- Guns don't kill people. I do.

Do you yield when a blind pedestrian is crossing the road?
→ What for? He can't see my license plate.

A young man comes home and says:

- Dad, I just got my driver's license and would like to use the family car.

Father replies:

- O.K., son. But, first, you have to get good grades in school, keep your room clean, make sure the yard is neat, and cut your hair. Come back in a few months and then we'll see.

Well, several months pass and the young man comes into the house with his report card in his hand:

- Dad, I got great marks on my report card. I've been keeping my room as neat as a pin, and the yard is always ship-shape. How about letting me use the car?

Father replies:

- That's all true, but son you didn't cut your hair.

Son says:

- But, dad, Jesus had long hair.

A man goes out and buys the best car available in the US or Europe, a 2001 Turbo BeepBeep. It is the best and most expensive car in the world, and it runs him $500,000. He takes it out for a spin and, while doing so, stops for a red light. An old man on a moped, both looking about 90 years old, pulls up next to him.

The old man looks over the sleek, shiny surface of the car and asks:

- What kind of car ya got there, sonny?

The dude replies:

- A 2001 Turbo BeepBeep. They cost $500,000.

- That's a lotta money! - says the old man, shocked.

- Why does it cost so much?

- Cause this car can do up to 320 miles an hour! - states the cool dude proudly.

The old man asks:

- Can I take a look inside?

While driving along the back roads of a small town, two truckers came to an overpass with a sign that read:

- CLEARANCE 11'3.

They got out and measured their rig, which was 12'4."

- What do you think? - one asked the other.

The driver looked around carefully, then shifted into first:

- Not a cop in sight. Let's take a chance!

It had been snowing for hours when an announcement came over the intercom:

- Will the students who are parked on University Drive please move their cars so that we may begin plowing.

Twenty minutes later there was another announcement:

- Will the nine hundred students who went to move fourteen cars return to class.

An Irish priest and a Rabbi get into a car accident. They both get out of their cars and stumble over to the side of the road. The Rabbi says:

- Oy vey! What a wreck!

The priest asks him:

- Are you all right, Rabbi?

The Rabbi responds:

- Just a little shaken.

The priest pulls a flask of whiskey from his coat and says:

- Here, drink some of this it will calm your nerves.

The Rabbi takes the flask and drinks it down and says:

- Well, what are we going to tell the police?

Kelly was standing in front of Cohan's Tavern when he saw a driverless car rolling slowly down the street. He ran to the car, jumped in, and pulled on the emergency brake with a jerk.

Kelly got out and very proudly said to the man approaching him:

- I stopped it!

- I know, you idiot! - said the man.

- I was pushing it!

Why did the electrician close early on Mondays?
→ Because business was very light.

The Americans and the Japanese decided to engage in a boat race. Both teams practiced hard and long to reach their peak performance levels. On the big day they felt ready. The Japanese won by a mile.

The American team was discouraged by the loss. Morale sagged. Corporate management decided that the reason for the crushing defeat had to be found, so a consulting firm was hired to investigate the problem and recommend corrective action. The Japanese team had six people rowing and one person steering and rowing; the American team had two people rowing and five people steering.

After a year of study and thousands spent analyzing the problem, the consultant firm concluded that too many people were…

The social worker asked the bartender:

- What's the difference between your job and mine?

The bartender replied:

- I only had to go to bartender school for 6 weeks and I learned to mix very good drinks, then wait a couple of hours to have people tell me their innermost thoughts, while you went to school for 6 years, paid thousands and thousands of dollars, sit session after session using technique after technique, and you still may never hear them!!!

INTERVIEWER to job applicant: "Do you think you could come up with any reason you want this job other than your parents want you out of their house?"

- Boss: I can assure you that the value of the average employee will continue to increase.

- Employee: That's because there will be fewer of us doing more work, right?

- Boss: Right. Except for the 'us' part.

- Boss: I've decided to use humor in the office. Experts say humor eases tension, which is important in times when the work force is being trimmed. Knock knock.

- Employee: Who's there?

- Boss: Not you anymore.

After being laid off from five different jobs in four months, Arnold was hired by a warehouse. One day he lost control of a forklift and drove it off the loading dock. Surveying the damage, the owner shook his head and said he'd have to withhold ten percent of Arnold's wages to pay for the repairs.

- How much will it cost? - asked Arnold.

- About $4,500 - said the owner.

- What a relief! - exclaimed Arnold.

- I've finally got job security!

A businessman who needed millions of dollars to clinch an important deal went to church to pray for the money.

By chance he knelt next to a man who was praying for $100 to pay an urgent debt. The businessman took out his wallet and pressed $100 into the other man's hand. Overjoyed, the man got up and left the church.

The businessman then closed his eyes and prayed:

- And now, Lord, that I have your undivided attention....

'I'm very sad to announce this morning, girls, that Miss Jones has decided to retire,' said the principal at morning assembly. 'Now we will all stand and sing this morning's hymn....now Thank We All Our God.'

An American manufacturer is showing his machine factory to a potential customer from Albania. At noon, when the lunch whistle blows, two thousand men and women immediately stop work and leave the building.

- Your workers, they're escaping! - cries the visitor.

- You've got to stop them.

- Don't worry, they'll be back - says the American. And indeed, at exactly one o'clock the whistle blows again, and all the workers return from their break.

When the tour is over, the manufacturer turns to his guest and says:

- Well, now, which of these machines would you like to order?

- Forget the machines - says the visitor.

- How much do you want for that whistle?

Two government economists were returning home from a field meeting. As with all government travelers, they were assigned the cheapest seats on the plane so they each were occupying the center seat on opposite sides of the aisle.

They continued their discussion of the knotty problem that had been the subject of their meeting through takeoff and meal service until finally one of the passengers in an aisle seat offered to trade places so they could talk and he could sleep.

After switching seats, one economist remarked to the other that it was the first time an economic discussion ever kept anyone awake.

Kowalski, fresh out of accounting school, went to an interview for a good paying job. The company boss asked various questions about him and his education, but then asked him:

- What is three times seven?

- Twenty-two - Kowalski replied.

After he left, he double-checked it on his calculator (he knew he should have taken it to the interview!) and realized he wouldn't get the job.

About two weeks later, he got a letter that said he was hired for the job! He was not one to look a gift horse in the mouth, but was still very curious.

The next day, Kowalski went in and asked why he got the job, even though he got such a simple question wrong. The boss shrugged and said:

- Well, you were the closest.