Latest

Mom and Dad are in the iron and steel business.

She does the ironing and he does the stealing.

There was once a high-powered businessman who insisted on taking his three secretaries everywhere with him - a tall one for writing longhand, a short one for taking down shorthand, and a very small one for adding footnotes.

On the first day his son joined the family firm, the founder took him on to the roof of the factory building and said:

- I am going to give you your very first lesson in business. Stand on the edge of the roof.

Reluctantly, the boy went to stand on the edge of the roof.

- Now - said his father - when I say, Jump, I want you to jump off the roof.

- But, Dad - said the boy - there's a huge drop!

- Do you want to succeed in business?

- Yes, Dad.

- And you trust me, don't you?

- Yes, Dad.

- So do as I say and jump.

What did the ruthless businessman say to his employees?
→ If at first you don't succeed - you're fired!

What happens when business is slow at a medicine factory?
→ You can hear a cough drop.

- Monster: Stick 'em down.

- Ghost: Don't you mean, stick 'em up.

- Monster: No wonder I'm not making much money in this business.

Did you hear about the businessman who is so rich he has two swimming pools, one of which is always empty?
→ It's for people who can't swim!

What business is King Kong in?
→ Monkey business.

Why did the doughnut maker retire?
→ He was fed up with the hole business.

- Information? I need the number of the Caseway Insurance Company.

- Would you spell that, please?

- Certainly. C as in sea. A as in aye. S as in sea. E as in eye. W as in why. A as in are. Y as in you.

The operator pauses.

- Just a minute, sir. I'll connect you with my supervisor . . .

Two Italian construction workers were in the field on an extremely hot day working. The one says to the other:

- Hey, how come we do all a da work and he gets all a da money? - pointing to the supervisor.

The other says:

- I don't know, go ask him.

So Guido goes up to the supervisor and says:

- Hey, how come we do all a da work and you get all a da money?

The supervisor says:

- Intelligence.

Guido says:

- What is this intelligence?

A young businessman rented a beautiful office and furnished it with antiques. However, no business was coming in. Sitting there, worrying, he saw a man come into the outer office.

Wanting to look busy, he picked up the phone and pretended he was negotiating a big deal. He spoke loudly about big figures and huge commitments. Finally, he put down the phone and asked the visitor:

- Can I help you?

The man said:

- I've come to install the phone.

The boss called one of his employees into the office.

- Rob - he said, you've been with the company for a year. You started off in the post room, one week later you were promoted to a sales position, and one month after that you were promoted to district manager of the sales department.

- Just four short months later, you were promoted to vice-chairman. Now it's time for me to retire, and I want you to take over the company.

- What do you say to that?

- Thanks - said the employee.

- Thanks? - the boss replied.

- Is that all you can say?

- I suppose not - the employee said.

- Thanks, Dad.

A young man, hired by a supermarket, reported for his first day of work. The manager greeted him with a warm handshake and a smile, gave him a broom and said:

- Your first job will be to sweep out the store.

- But I'm a college graduate - the young man replied indignantly.

- Oh, I'm sorry. I didn't know that - said the manager.

- Here, give me the broom, I'll show you how.

- Young man, do you think you can handle a variety of work?

- I ought to be able to. I've had ten different jobs in four months.

An applicant was filling out a job application. When he came to the question:

- Have you ever been arrested?

He answered:

- No.

The next question, intended for people who had answered in the affirmative to the last one, was:

- Why?

The applicant answered it anyway:

- Never got caught.

An Arthur Anderson partner comes back to his office and says to his manager:

- Did you get my message where I said, 'Ship the Enron documents to the Feds'?

The manager goes white.

- Oh My God! I thought you said rip the Enron documents to shreds.

The Mafia was looking for a new man to make weekly collections from all the private businesses that they were 'protecting.' Feeling the heat from the police force, they decide to use a deaf person for this job, figuring if he were to get caught, he wouldn't be able to communicate to the police what he was doing.

In his first week, the deaf collector picks up more than $40,000. He gets greedy, decides to keep the money, and stashes it in a safe place.

The Mafia boss soon realizes the collection is late and sends some of his thugs after the deaf collector. The thugs drag the guy to an interpreter.

The right-hand man says to the interpreter:

- Ask him where da money is.

The interpreter signs:

An American manufacturer is showing his machine factory to a potential customer from Albania. At noon, when the lunch whistle blows, two thousand men and women immediately stop work and leave the building.

- Your workers, they're escaping! - cries the visitor.

- You've got to stop them.

- Don't worry, they'll be back - says the American.

And indeed, at exactly one o'clock the whistle blows again, and all the workers return from their break.

When the tour is over, the manufacturer turns to his guest and says:

- Well, now, which of these machines would you like to order?

- Forget the machines - says the visitor.

- How much do you want for that whistle?

An investment counselor decided to go out on her own. She was shrewd and diligent, so business kept coming in, and pretty soon she realized that she needed an in-house counsel. The investment banker began to interview young lawyers.

- As I'm sure you can understand - she started off with one of the first applicants, in a business like this, our personal integrity must be beyond question.

She leaned forward.

- Mr. Mayberry, are you an honest lawyer?

- Honest? - replied the job prospect.

- Let me tell you something about honest. Why, I'm so honest that my father lent me $15,000 for my education, and I paid back every penny the minute I tried my very first case.

Did you hear about the banker who was recently arrested for embezzling $100,000 to pay for his daughter's college education?

As the policeman, who also had a daughter in college, was leading him away in handcuffs, he said to the banker:

- I have just one question for you. Where were you going to get the rest of the money?

- The fees for withdrawing money from your ATM machines are expected to double, even triple. You're gonna pay two to three as much to withdraw your money so basically the ATM machines have become full service. Instead of getting robbed at the ATM machine the ATM machine robs you. You eliminate the middle man. - Jay Leno

"I'm not saying that the customer service in my bank is bad, but when I went in the other day and asked the clerk to check my balance ... she leaned over and pushed me."

A wealthy investor walked into a bank and said to the bank manager:

- I would like to speak with Mr. Reginald Jones, who I understand is a tried and trusted employee of yours.

The banker said:

- Yes he certainly was trusted. And he will be tried as soon as we catch him.

The banker fell overboard from a friend's sailboat.

The friend grabbed a life preserver, held it up, not knowing if the banker could swim, and shouted:

- Can you float alone?

- Obviously - the banker replied, but this is a heck of a time to talk business.