Two cab drivers met.
- Hey - asked one
- what's the idea of painting one side of your cab red and the other side blue?
- Well - the other responded
- when I get into an accident, you should see how all the witnesses contradict each other.
A fellow was following a truck in heavy traffic. Every block or so, when they were stopped at a stop light, the driver of the truck would jump out of the cab with a big stick and bang on the side of the cargo bay. He'd then jump back into the cab in time to drive away when the signal changed.
The first fellow observed this for several miles, until he could stand it no longer. The next time the truck driver jumped out with the stick, the first fellow jumped out and ran up to him.
- I'm sorry to bother you - he said, over the din of the banging
- but I am very curious; could you tell me what you are doing?
Without breaking rhythm, the truck driver replied:
- Wife: There's trouble with the car. It has water in the carburettor.
- Husband: Water in the carburettor? That's ridiculous.
- Wife: I tell you the car has water in the carburettor.
- Husband: You don't even know what a carburettor is. I'll check it out. Where's the car?
- Wife: In the pool.
A driver pulled up beside a rundown farmhouse. He got out and knocked at the door. A very old woman answered the door, and he asked her for directions to Des Moines.
- Don't know - the woman said.
He got back in his car and pulled away. Then he heard voices.
He looked in his rearview mirror and saw the woman and an equally old man waving for him to come back.
So he made a U-turn and drove up to them.
- This is my husband - the old woman said.
- He doesn't know how to get to Des Moines either.
A young bloke has started work on a property, and the boss sends him up the back paddocks to do some fencing work, but come evening he's half an hour late. The boss gets on the CB radio to check if he's all right.
- I've got a problem, Boss. I'm stuck 'ere. I've hit a pig!
- Ah well, these things happen sometimes - the boss says.
- Just drag the carcass off the road so nobody else hits it in the dark.
- But he's not dead, boss. He's gotten tangled up on the bull bar, and I've tried to untangle him, but he's kicking and squealing, and he's real big boss. I'm afraid he's gonna hurt me!
- Never mind - says the boss.
- There's a .303 under the tarp in the back. Get that out and shoot him. Then drag…
A man is driving down the road for a long period of time.
During his travel, he sees a priest with a gas can hitch hiking, so he gladly picks him up he says, "Normally father, i dont pick up hitch hikers. You seem like a man of dignity so i thought id make an exception.
In fact i hate hitch hikers. The priest nods his head and they drive on
Along the way, The driver spots another man hitch hiking. "that dirty son of %$#%#% ill fix him". He then swirves the car and tries to make the hit and run like an accident. Dang! i missed. The priests yells, "Don't worry i got him with the gas can!"
A man was driving up a steep and narrow mountain road. A woman was driving down the same road.
As they passed each other, the woman leaned out the window and yelled:
- Pig!
The man immediately leaned out his window and replied:
- Moron!
They continue on their way and as the man rounded the next corner, he crashes into a pig in the middle of the road.
A guy driving a truck in the middle of nowhere picks up a hitch-hiker.
It gets dark and the hitch-hiker falls asleep. Suddenly bang, and the hitch-hiker wakes up:
- what the hell was that?
The truck driver replies:
- some kinda animal, go back to sleep.
Further the same thing again, bang:
- What the hell was that?
- some kinda animal again.
Further into the night, bang, bang, bang:
- What the hell was that?
A state trooper pulled a car over and told the man driving that he was going 50 mph in a 40 mph zone.
- I was only going 40! - the driver protested.
- Not according to my radar - the trooper said.
- Yes, I was! - the man shouted back.
- No you weren't! - the trooper said.
With that, the man's wife leaned toward the window and said:
- Officer, I should warn you not to argue with my husband when he's been drinking.
A driver, obviously drunk, was heading the wrong way down a one-way street when a policeman pulled him over.
- Didn't you see the arrow, buddy? - he asked.
- An arrow? - the confused driver said.
- I didn't even see the Indians
A quadruple amputee is waiting at the bus stop.
The bus pulls up.
Driver says:
- alright John, how you getting on today?
A Lutheran minister is driving down to New York to see the radio show and he's stopped in Connecticut for speeding. The state trooper smells alcohol on his breath and then he sees an empty wine bottle on the floor, and he says:
- Sir, have you been drinking?
And the minister says:
- Just water.
The sheriff says:
- Then why do I smell wine?
And the minister looks down at the bottle and says:
- Good Lord, He's done it again!
Peter Ludwig, a caver from Austria who is appalled by American driving habits, offers the following advice:
The probability of being involved in a traffic accident is directly proportional to time spent on the road. Driving fast decreases one's exposure.
One third of traffic accidents are caused by drunk drivers; two thirds are caused by non-drunk drivers.
Therefore, the safest way to drive is drunk and VERY fast.
A tourist is picked up by a cabbie in New York on a dark night. The passenger taps the driver on the shoulder to ask him something.
The driver screams, loses control of the car, nearly hits a bus, drives up on the sidewalk, and stops inches from a shop window.
For a second everything went quiet in the cab, then the driver said:
- Look friend, don't EVER do that again. You scared the daylights out of me!
The passenger apologizes and says he didn't realize that a "little tap" could scare him so much.
The driver, after gathering himself together replied, "Sorry, it's not really your fault.
Today is my first day as a cab driver - I've been driving hearses for the last 25 years!
Ole and Lena were sitting down to their usual morning cup of coffee, listening to the weather report coming over the radio.
- There will be 3 to 5 inches of snow today, and a snow emergency has been declared - the weather report said.
- You must park your cars on the odd numbered side of the streets.
Ole says:
- Jeez, okay - and gets up from his coffee.
The next day they're sitting down with their morning cups of coffee and the weather forecast declares:
- There will be 2 to 4 inches of snow today, and a snow emergency has been declared. You must park your cars on the even numbered side of the streets.
Again, Ole says:
- Jeez, okay - and gets up from his coffee.
One day, two guys were driving to a local grocery store to get some food. On the way to the store they ran into an intersection with a stoplight. The light showed red.
The man driving went right through the red light. The passenger looked at the driver and screamed:
- What the heck are you doing? You're going to get us killed!
Then the driver responded:
- Don't worry, my mother allways drives like this.
So later on, the two guys came to another stoplight and that too was red. The driver sped right through the light. Again the passenger looked at the driver and said:
- I thought I told you, you're gonna get us killed! Would you please stop this nonsense!
A man walks into an auto parts store and says:
- I'd like a rear view mirror for my Yugo.
The man behind the counter thinks about this for a while, then says:
- Yup, seems like a fair trade to me.
Andy wants a job as a signalman on the railways. He is told to meet the inspector at the signal box. The inspector puts this question to him:
- What would you do if you realised that two trains were heading for each other on the same track?
Andy says:
- I would switch the points for one of the trains.
- What if the lever broke? - asked the inspector.
- Then I'd dash down out of the signal box - said Andy
- and I'd use the manual lever over there.
- What if that had been struck by lightning?
- Then - Andy continues
- I'd run back into the signal box and phone the next signal box.
Five Englishmen in an Audi Quattro arrive at the Italian border.
The Italian customer agent stops them and tells them:
- Itsa illegal to putta fiva people ina Quattro.
- What do you mean it's illegal? - asked the Englishmen.
- Quattro means four - replies the Italian official.
- Quattro is just the name of the automobile - the Englishmen says disbelievingly.
- Look at the papers: this car is designed to carry 5 persons.
- You can'ta pulla thata one ona me - replies the Italian customs agent.
- Quattro means four. You hava fiva people ina your car and you are therefore breakin'a the law.
The Englishmen reply angrily:
After seeing a documentary on how inner city youths can remove the wheels of cars in under 4 seconds with no specialist equipment, the McLaren team decided to fire their pit crew and hire four of the youths as most races can be won or lost in the pit lane.
The first race came along and the car came into the pits. The youths went to work but the McLaren team boss noticed a real problem.
Not only had the youths replaced all four wheels within four seconds, but within 10 seconds, they'd re-sprayed and re-numbered the car and sold it to the Ferrari Team!
In a very small alley two trucks driving in opposite directions meet.
As the drivers are equally stubborn, neither of them wants to reverse.
They angrily look one at the other.
Finally, one of them picks up a newspaper and starts reading.
The other one politely asks:
- When you've finished the paper, will you please bring it over, and let me read it?
- When you exit the bus, please be sure to lower your head and watch your step.
- If you miss your step and hit your head, please lower your voice and watch your language. Thank you.
A guy driving a Yugo pulled up to a stoplight next to a Rolls-Royce.
He rolled down his window and shouted to the driver of the Rolls:
- Hey, buddy, that's a nice car. You got a phone in your Rolls? I've got a phone in my Yugo!
The driver of the Rolls looked over and said snobbishly:
- Yes, I have a phone.
The driver of the Yugo said:
- Cool! Hey, you also got a fridge in there, too? I've got one in the back seat of my Yugo!
The driver of the Rolls, much annoyed, says:
- Yes, I have a refrigerator.
The driver of the Yugo said:
A driver tucked this note under the windshield wiper of his automobile:
- I've circled the block for 20 minutes. I'm late for an appointment, and if I don't park here I'll lose my job. Forgive us our trespasses.
When he came back he found a parking ticket and this note:
- I've circled the block for 20 years, and if I don't give you a ticket, I'll lose my job. Lead us not into temptation.
What can you do to help ease a heavy traffic problem?
→ Carry loaded weapons.
